04-20-03 @ 11:43 am EDT

I wonder how one writes about things they're not sure of. A lot of times I've wanted to post things in this journal, but I haven't, because they are entirely conjecture, completely outlandish, and probably 100% imaginary like all of my writing. Only I'd be trying to pass them off as truth. The operational words being I don't know. A hint, I guess, my dreams have a lot to do with it all.

I've wished to ask someone or talk to this someone about them for a long time, but how can one rightly talk about things that are probably imaginary? Without sounding like an idiot jumping to conclusions? I keep hoping somebody else will bring up the topic and question me about it so I'll have a reason to talk about it, but that hasn't happened beyond hinting, and I would feel too stupid bringing it up on my own. People who read this know already, I have problems jumping to conclusions; why would this be no different? "Tehuti, why do you think that? There could be a million other explanations." True.

It would explain some things about me, certainly, but so would a lot of other things. I've considered just posting what I think; opening up a private journal to post it in; or trying to write it from the POV of one of my characters; but the first would be too embarrassing, the second would not help if it were entirely private and would still be embarrassing if it were semi-private, and the third, I have never been good at putting myself in my own characters. I removed myself from my stories long ago because I couldn't stand reading them when I was reading about myself.

I even considered letting Kristeva talk about them as he would probably best understand but I would be far too obvious and I can't rightly do that to him. The last time I acted as one of my characters in front of others was when I pretended to be "Pipsqueak," a puppy, in front of my psychologist...I am still embarrassed to this day. :/

(That's my favorite expression lately, that kind of confused, uncertain look: :/ )

I guess that's all I had to say...I don't think it will make sense to anyone but me. *sigh*