04-23-03 @ 5:25 am EDT

I keep having thoughts of hurting myself lately. For some reason I just really want to do it. I never used to think about it so much, but I have been lately.

The silly thing is, I never have the time. :/

There are two people I really wish I would hear from but I feel they're too busy or exasperated with me. :( And I'm too ashamed to tell them so. I hinted about them in one of my previous entries, but I'm guessing they're busy or didn't see/understand it. So if they even see this they won't know who they are. I have had ONE unexpected e-mail that I do mean to reply to ({user:sumi}, that's you, just so you know I'm not overlooking you), and some reviews from people I don't know, which are nice, but it always seems to be overshadowed by others' silence. These other two mean a lot to me, but lately it seems like I just keep screwing things up. I think they both don't write to me because I would have to write to them first, and I just can't do that. Yet if I sit here and wait for them to write, they will give up on me and I'll never hear from them again. I don't know what to do.

To think I had actually entered an up phase recently. Everything is so quiet that I'm heading down again. If by any chance these two figure out who they are, I'm sorry that I let you down.