04-25-03 @ 12:04 pm EDT

I have so many bad headaches lately, especially after napping. My eyes will ache and my head will pound like I've been choked. I wonder if I have an infection.

I heard a weird noise at my door yesterday afternoon while sleeping and I'm still not sure what it was. It could have been the cat, but I don't think I saw him anywhere near. It sounded like something tapping at my door or trying to push it open or something. I felt very nervous when I left my room. But nobody was there. Still I'm glad I have a pair of scissors near my pillow. (There for no real reason, but they could make a good weapon, I suppose, if I were awake enough to reach for them. Which I'm usually not. I have three alarm clocks which I set properly yet with great regularity I'll miss all three of them. Or rather, I'll wake up, turn them all off, even the ones that haven't gone off yet, and go back to bed without even knowing I'm awake yet.)

I ate the last two chocolate items in the house--a chocolate and a cream Cadbury egg--so I won't be tempted to eat them on one of my bathroom trips while sleeping. I have a very bad problem with eating chocolate while half awake. It doesn't even matter if I'm fully awake. Whenever I wake up to go to the bathroom and back to bed, I always have this abnormal craving for chocolate or some other type of food. But usually chocolate. I have tried removing all chocolate from my room to make obtaining it inconvenient. But I'll just leave my room and go find it when I want it. I've tried shaming myself into stopping--when I'm wide awake, all I can think of the situation is to just tell myself to STOP!--I've already gained back all the weight I once lost, plus some, I'm betting; I'm too afraid to check the scales. I look at my face in the mirror every day and dread the return of fat to my cheeks; at least if it's somewhere south of that, it's not as easily seen. I think of how bloated and awful I look in my pics from my high school graduation; I hadn't even known I was that fat, nor that I had lost so much of it as to be noticeable. Please, not my face! I look at my arms and mourn how flabby they are. I hate how my belly could make me pass for a pregnant person. Women can be overweight, but they are not supposed to have potbellies. And I can't even talk about everything south of THAT.

But none of this matters whenever I wake up and want chocolate. I have even sat in bed eating some and thinking, "What does it matter, I'm fat anyway; I might as well just eat it."

One time I even woke up with chocolate smeared ALL OVER the side of my face...yet not a speck on my pillow. Which was weird, as I had been SLEEPING on the side of my face. I didn't even remember eating the chocolate that time. There have been occasions when I have snapped awake in bed, already eating it, without any memory of having gotten up, turned off my clock, gotten the chocolate, and sat back down and munching.

THAT is how bad my problem is. It's not just some little cutesy "I have a chocolate addiction" thing. When you wake up eating chocolate and can't even remember doing so, then something is wrong.

So that's why I just ate the damned eggs so I have nothing I can snack on during bathroom breaks. I know that later on I will be prowling around desperately seeking chocolate of ANY kind, but there won't be any there. At least I won't be able to con myself into eating it again.

I hate how weak I am.

I feel kind of sick. My pills, then the chocolate and a drink of water, didn't go down well.

I have to log off now.