04-23-03 @ 7:12 pm EDT

This entry is aimed at one person, so if you're not that person...well, it's okay if you read, else it wouldn't be here, but it wasn't intended for you.

This entry is intended for M. I hope they know who they are.

I guess this is one of those occasions for the journal. I've tried clicking on the e-mail link and even opened up the page to compose a letter. I considered seeking out an old e-mail referring to what I wanted to write about, and quoting that, but couldn't get myself to do so. I've really tried, but every time I try to e-mail I get stuck and no words will come whatsoever, no matter how apologetic I might make them. (Not apologizing for something I've done, but for what I might do just by sending the e-mail in question. I hate when I bother people, even when they insist I'm not.)

I just tried it two times in a row and both times I nearly started crying so I can't do it. I don't know why; I just feel too stupid.

I hinted in a couple of previous entries about what I wanted to talk about but I'm guessing I was too vague. You are one of the people I've wanted to write to, or rather, wanted to write to me, but you can't rightly know WHAT I want you to write to me about unless I say it outright. And that's what I've been sitting here trying to do but it's not working. I can't say it outright, I can't hint, so I don't know what to do other than just keep sitting here in silence and growing angrier with myself.

Plus what I wanted to talk about would probably be time consuming for you, who have a job and family and a life (as your journal entries keep reminding me) to attend to; plus it would probably be boring because it concerns ME. That's probably one reason I can't get myself to ask outright, as it's very vain and narcissistic to ask somebody to talk to me about me. Why would anyone want to do that? I know you'd say it's all right, but I keep reading your entries, and I sense your busyness. That's another reason I haven't said anything. I just can't impose. If I were the suicidal type (which I am not--don't worry about that--I might SI but I won't kill myself), I wouldn't even be able to call a suicide hotline for fear of taking time away from somebody else who needs it even more. Does that help explain?

This is getting longwinded and I'm not even sure if you'll see it...

And even after typing all that up, I still can't even say what it is I wanted to talk about. :( I'm trying to think of a way to just hint at it but that would be leading and I can't do it...the most I can say is that you once proposed a theory to me, and I have long been wanting you to go more indepth on it, but I can't say what or why or anything. At least one other person proposed this same theory long ago and I waited for her to get back to me on it, as I really wanted to know what she thought...that was the "B" I have referred to in long-past entries...if you haven't seen those, needless to say she never got back to me. I let her cry on my shoulder, gave her my time, and everything, but whenever I wished for a word from her she was always "too tired"...when she finally did show up again it was to defend somebody who was mocking me, something which I'm sure she didn't know she was doing, but which badly hurt. I've never confronted her about that. She claimed she was an "empath" so I feel she should have known all along what she was making me feel; some empath. I see her active again on a website I used to frequent and I just get filled with rage and disappointment. I'm so tired of people hinting at things, then those things being left unsaid and unknown. I'm not transferring that feeling onto you right now, just venting about HER...but that was another time I couldn't speak up about it, and it went unfinished, and I feel that way now. I'm pretty sure you won't even know what I'm talking about. That was why I started to look through my old e-mail, to find where you referred to it, but couldn't even do that.

How can I make it clear what I'm looking for? I've been sitting here typing this trying to think of at least SOME way to make it fairer for you (it's unfair of me to tell you I want to talk about something but to not tell you WHAT!), but I can't. I've never been able to just say outright what it is that I want, when I feel it could inconvenience or bore the other person involved.

The only word I can allow myself to say for some reason is "eleven." I don't think it'll mean anything to you; you've probably forgotten it by now. But I can't get any other words to come out, no matter how clear or vague.

I hope you at least see this and know I'm referring to you; I don't know what else to do. I don't even know what I'm asking of you right now, if I want you to get back to me or post in your journal about it or not say anything or what. I'm confused and upset. Not with you, with myself. If I want you to talk with me about something, why can't I just say what it is? The worst thing you can do is say you don't have the time or interest, and I always prepare myself to hear that anyway. Why can't I do that this time?

I think what I'm most afraid of is hearing you tell me that you don't know. That you proposed the theory itself, but that's all you know, and you can't say anything else because you don't know anything else. I've been hoping you have more to your theory but I guess I'm afraid that you don't. I'm afraid of hearing that there's nothing more to be heard, that what you already said is all there is to it. I'm very much afraid that there's nothing more than a basic theory. Everybody else has more than a theory, even you; and as you were the one who proposed it, I don't have even that. All I have are my vague thoughts and paranoia and such. And as you can see, aside from hinting and fiction, I can't even put those into words.

I don't know what the reaction to this, if any, will be, so I'll stop typing now. I wish I felt safe enough just telling you what I'm interested in talking about, but no words come except "eleven."

And my hinting in my other entries was way too vague, so I feel this will be, too. :(

I hope I at least didn't get you mad if you by any chance see this. I don't know what else to say. I know I will continue to feel frustrated that something I wish to discuss will be going unsaid, but maybe posting this will relieve the tension a little. I keep surfing websites related to what I want to talk about but I've seen them all before. There's nothing there. :/