04-26-03 @ 1:05 pm EDT

This is very annoying. I actually did do much today--I wrote some e-mails I have long owed--I finished editing and revising Part 3 of the Chronicles--and I know, while that doesn't seem like much, it's much to me, since I'm so awful with e-mail and with proofing. But I still feel like I wasted almost all morning. I've spent a lot of time looking through online literature and just feel like I could have done something more.

I don't know, maybe anxiety is getting to me. Maybe it's something completely unrelated. I feel very ill at ease with sharing my opinions lately; I just feel like people are coming at me from all sides, and I distrust them all. No matter how friendly they are. One of them reminds me too much of somebody who caused me a great deal of hurt in the past, but I can't tell them that; they have not done a thing to me so far, and in fact they were very generous. Why do they set me on edge so much?? Another one I'm just worried of offending. I realize I probably couldn't offend them, but I sense they are more blunt in stating opinions than I am, and if I get blunt, I will be offensive...if I am not blunt, I will be waffling and evasive. Maybe this is why I blather so much about mythology; at least it's not controversial or anything. :P

A few other people I cringe at because I owe them responses and I have not done this yet. I don't even know them, but they left me comments, and I have been avoiding that site because I haven't summoned the courage to respond to them yet.

And everybody else, I don't know, I'm probably just afraid I've already offended or annoyed them, who knows. That's how my mind keeps going...

I'm telling myself not to write this entry for fear of people recognizing themselves, which is why I have tried to be vague, but for all I know I have been too obvious. I'm beating myself up mentally over all this, and maybe that's why I'm trying to distract myself so much and thus wasting so much time when I could be doing something more constructive? I hate to see motives in the actions of friendly people everywhere I go, and I hate to always make myself walk on eggshells for fear of offending people who are probably much thicker skinned than I am. I hate feeling like I'm made out of a piece of cracked glass! AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

I have an urge to start punching things just to relieve the stress. Punching things never resolved anything, but at least the swelling knuckles take my mind off of other matters, which are probably being blown out of all proportion by my paranoia anyway. How did I even get like this? >:(

Crap, when I started this entry I was just very irritated, but now I'm very angry with myself. I always try to see the best in people, but whenever they try to see the best in me, I can see nothing but the worst in them. What went wrong with my mind? I was not always this bad. I wish I COULD say this is just hormones for once but it's not.

Now my eyes are starting to sting so I have to go. I apologize profusely to anybody I've offended or have yet to offend, for I know I have/will!

I hear voices outside!! Nobody's supposed to be here!