05-05-03 @ 11:31 am EDT

Oooohh...weird floaty feeling again. Just sitting here, reading, and feeling like I'm floating slightly above the chair. o_O Very weird. Kind of unnerving.

Something has been bothering me increasingly over the past week, but I can't even hint at what it is...can't talk about it. I hope it's resolved soon but it's not in my hands. :( *sigh*

If I talk about it I'll come across as a bitch yet again...you know, I think I've found a topic for this topicless entry. Am I a bitch? I have never thought so, but based on what I type in here alone, and on some of the ways I interact with people (I STILL have not written to P. after posting that he write to me <:( ), I realize that I come across as very bitchy. I know that even in this entry I will come across as bitchy, when I don't intend to. When I feel upset or discouraged about my writing, it comes out sounding bitchy. When I'm feeling like I'm not worth anything in the world and I have the facts to prove it, it comes out sounding bitchy. When I'm rightfully angry about something, it comes out sounding abnormally bitchy. When I'm sad--bitchy. Angry--bitchy. Upset--bitchy. Worried--bitchy. Heck, I bet even when I'm happy I sound bitchy...

If not bitchy, then whiny, and that's even worse than bitchy because while some people love bitches, NOBODY loves whiners. Now didn't that comment in itself sound both bitchy and whiny?

Even if I had to still be terribly shy and avoidant and afraid of everybody and everything, and worried about it all to boot, still, my self-image would be of me being this shy, sweet, hyperemotional, yes, but empathic person who cares so much about the feelings of others that she suppresses her own wants to make them feel better. Always letting herself be passed over in life in favor of others because she never feels worthy enough, or because she feels others deserve it more. Always missing out, even on the little things, because she has no faith in herself. Always seeking approval, because none is good enough to make her believe in herself. Very disappointed, sad, depressed, and yes, even angry, but concerned about others, about their feelings, and willing to do so much to make them feel happy, even if it means she does not.

But...I know I'm not really like that. I'm too bitter, too jealous, too filled with spite. When I sacrifice something for somebody else, I only do so with a great deal of reluctance; I'm selfish. Even when I do give something up for another, I hope to gain something from it--I think of myself first. Even if I do not benefit from it at all, I feel angry and slighted when no thanks are forthcoming, or I feel angry and resentful that I had to make the sacrifice in the first place. "See, I'm doing this to make YOU feel better. And now I feel like crap. I hope you're happy. Because I'm not."

That's not the thought of a sweet, self-sacrificing person.

Empathic? A listening ear? A shoulder to cry on? I'm rather of the mind that people don't seek me out for advice or comfort because they KNOW I will not be so forthcoming. And they would be right. I always have something more pressing to do--something that matters to me--or I'm too afraid of making MYSELF look stupid--or I'm too angry that I feel THEY are never there for me 100% of the time (as if anyone could be!)--to want to help them. Even when I do help, it's always nothing more than "I wish I had something to say." Because I want to make you feel better? More likely because I want MYSELF to stop feeling so lousy. Me, me, me. I've never hidden the fact that I hate it when others around me are upset because it upsets me. But that's a very selfish way to think and feel. Unfortunately it's the truth.

I'm not sweet; I'm bitter. I'm not shy; I'm terrified and envious. I'm not self-sacrificing; I'm self-centered. I'm not empathic; I'm stuck in my own head. I'm not concerned about what you feel; I'm concerned about what YOU make ME feel. I'm not your shoulder to cry on; I'm resentful that I feel I don't have one of my OWN to cry on. I don't welcome those who need help; I feel anger over the intrusion and jealousy that I can't feel free to intrude in like manner upon others. I'm not the very flawed but compassionate, friendly, kindhearted person I like to think I am; I'm very flawed and selfish, antagonistic, and unreliable.

And moody and bitchy and whiny, too; don't forget those.

I'm really NOT trying to bitch or whine in this entry; I'm just painting a picture of what I am really like, as opposed to what I like to think I am. And I hate being like this. For years I have looked at descriptions of Libras (for anyone who believes in that) and have always agreed with the whole "sweet and sympathetic and caring" thing, but I've come to realize that doesn't apply to me at all! I've only been deluding myself into thinking I am anything like that. The thing is I wonder if I've been deluding other people too. :(

Or maybe I'm just naive (I know I am already) and people have known all this about me for a long time, but have been really good at hiding that they know? I hate that people will be as resentful of me as I often am of them...I don't WANT to be so bitter and spiteful...but every time I tell myself to give somebody the benefit of the doubt, well, MY doubts just come niggling back in my head again, and they don't go away. I can be proven wrong a million times and that doubt will still be there, somewhere. I can whip and beat myself until I'm blue, out of guilt for having doubted somebody, but the pain only changes into suspicion over time.

Sheesh, I can't even be the sweet, highly flawed, NAIVE individual...replace naive with ignorant and paranoid.

Most of the people around me--with the exceptions of probably the most obnoxious and obvious ones--seem to be much more compassionate and selfless than I am. How was I able to fool myself for so long? I don't think I ever actually believed it; I just wanted to. I wanted to think that even while I have so many problems, I should have a good side to me, too. I wish that the happy description I gave above was my good side, but I can't really FIND a good side to me, now. :(

Well, Ma is hovering, I have to post this and do something more worthwhile than bitch or whine...this isn't proofread!! >_< ...tar...