05-30-03 @ 9:44 am EDT

I've been trying to be patient. Waited over a month. I'm starting to get the hint, I guess. I got it a lot earlier but didn't want to believe it. Or rather, I DID want to believe what I was told...

I stopped reading a long time ago because back when I had my entry when I was in distress (I still am, just trying to numb myself to it and shut it out), I noticed there were no hits to it that particular day. It hadn't been read. I was in pain, and it wasn't noticed. Still nothing has been said about it. So I stopped reading because I figured, if there's no interest in me, it should be equal. If something was important enough, it'd get through to me somehow or other, and any misunderstanding could be cleared up as always. I thought that that would happen. I really believed I'd end up feeling stupid about my impatience yet again, and sorry that I hadn't been calmer. At least, I had hoped I would.

That was weeks ago. Nothing's come through yet and I know there's been recent activity, so...never mind. I really was trying to be patient, honest. I could have sat tight even longer...two months, three...I could have just assumed something much more important had come up and things would eventually return to normal...if I hadn't had that entry of mine, when I was in misery, and had seen it wasn't noticed that day. And if there still hadn't been any notice, weeks later. I thought there was going to be give and take but maybe this is the payback I get for always taking so much and not giving enough? I'll take the blame, if it helps any. But that was the one reason I decided I should just get the hint and stop waiting. I've been burden enough. I wish I could understand why, why these things are said but never meant, why the silence, but I'm too ashamed and disappointed to ask. I'll just live it down like I always do because I'm not surprised. I really wanted to believe it would be different, just this once. Shame on me for hoping otherwise...and shame on me, I guess, for always knowing somewhere deep down that it would be the same. I really am ashamed that I never believed it would be any different, even if I was right.

I tried to trust, and to be patient, but I guess I just can't do it. So I guess I don't deserve anything in return. Maybe that's the answer I was looking for above.

I have a lot more I want to say but I'd rather this not be as bitchy as it would be otherwise. And I have the feeling it won't be read anyway.

Just never mind...and I'm sorry, for whatever. I'm sure there must be something for me to be sorry about.