06-04-03 @ 3:08 am EDT

I didn't have to record Inuyasha last night so I figured I would have a nice, longer-than-usual nap. Instead it was probably the WORST nap I've had in weeks!

I lay down to nap. I think I did doze a bit, but not deeply enough, before the cat started freaking out for some reason. VERY LOUDLY. Ma locked him in the bathroom, which pissed me off because when she's here and awake she's supposed to keep an eye on him. She didn't even take the garbage out of the bathroom or tuck up the towels--and I have TOLD her that he tips over the garbage and strews the toilet paper all over the place, and pulls down the towels, when they're left like that! I had to get up to go to the bathroom--a half hour had passed by now. The entire extra amount of time I could have napped. I was so angry. I let Cosmas out because I didn't feel like taking out the garbage and I hoped he had learned his lesson...admittedly I was pissy about this, I should have just removed the garbage and left him in. Went back to lie down. Cat acted up AGAIN, started knocking things over. WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH HIM!! Ma locked him up again. I tried to get back to sleep but now the TV seemed very loud! This BLARING commercial came on...I had turned the damn thing down before going to nap, so what the hell happened? I had to turn it down, which just kept me even further from getting to sleep. Then Third Watch came on and there was a crying baby and...AAAGGGHHHHHH F**KING SHOW! I wish they'd cancel it already!

I woke up to go to the bathroom halfway through and went back to "sleep," if you could call it that...

And commenced having probably the WORST string of dreams I've had in a long time...they were so bizarre, and the last one was SO AWFUL, I don't even know how well I remember them by now...let me put down what mixed-up images I do remember...

* Looking at a baby sitting at a table, eating. It had some food on its face. It was kind of cute, but I hate babies that are eating. It's gross. The baby started shifting into many other babies, one at a time, like a shifting picture, each a different baby, eating. The last one was very freakish looking. Its eyes seemed almost to disappear into its mouth!! Its face was so stunted! I looked at it harder and it seemed normal then, but gah, that had been hideous. What an ugly baby. Maybe related to another dream.

* Some Egyptian-style graphics on a wall, maybe in a restaurant or something. I looked hard at them and they grew a bit more Egyptian as I looked. Maybe one was like a cat-woman with an Egyptian bob hairdo and kohl around her eyes. Very stylized, kind of comic. It was like on a partition or one of those folding walls. Light colored. Black outlines on a goldish-whitish background. Lots of activity to the left, behind it, in a large room; maybe this was related to the Shannon part of the dream.

* Going into a public bathroom; I feel I had been with a Muslim woman before this. I felt uncomfortable. I was using folded paper towels because it was that time of the month. (In real life I do use folded paper towels because they are cheaper and a LOT less uncomfortable than those maxi pads obviously designed by MEN!) I pulled them out and there wasn't much blood but it had seeped over the side and I needed a replacement pad, but I had no paper towels! (I use Viva. I don't like other kinds; too frail.) Went into this public bathroom to look for more and there was a paper towel dispenser but they were as flimsy as NAPKINS! I pulled out two of them in the hopes of making a pad anyway, but then grew distraught. It would not work! There was a girl beside me--Muslim? I felt as if I should not be so obvious about my problem around these people--you know--maybe menstruation was a taboo subject or something. I wanted to go into a stall to fix myself but there were other women around--I remember coming OUT of a stall, to get the paper towels, and when I headed back there were some other women lining up to use it! The jerks! Finally I went into one and checked my own "pad" again. It was bloodier now...the blood was red beneath, but oddly dark gray in the middle...very strange...and the paper towel was of a different texture, almost like a real pad...and very pushed out of shape...I think I tried to push it back into shape in the hopes of using it a bit longer, until I could find more paper towels, but I was despairing of it working. That gray blood was just so freaky looking. I think Ma appeared and I was going to ask her for help but the dream must have shifted or something...maybe this was related to the Shannon dream...

* Hearing something about my sister-in-law Shannon suffering a miscarriage. In real life she had a baby girl; in my dream she miscarried and I was surprised because I still had a memory of Rayne, my niece. I felt bad for her and expected her to be in grief, as well as my brother. But when I met her she seemed a bit sad, but fine. We were in some big strange room...kind of orangish walls maybe? Knick-knacks? My brother Eric was going to be celebrating his "second graduation"--whatever that was. So was I. We needed to pick class rings. He picked his. Ma was with us and we seemed to be in the utility room now and it was my turn to pick one. There was a velvet thing with rings set into it and she and Eric were egging me to pick the green stone, like my mom's graduation ring. I had WANTED to pick it, because in real life I picked a red stone for my own grad ring and kind of regret that choice; red isn't my color; green is closer to what I like. I was close to picking the green one but then rebelled. I wanted something PRETTIER. There were all different rings and they kept changing. One was like turquoise but I wanted something transparent. There were at least two green ones. I couldn't find anything I liked and started to get angry. "Fine--I just won't HAVE a ring!" I wanted them to feel sorry for me. I just couldn't choose. Finally I turned the card around and found more rings set in the other side. Some very pretty ones! The very first one I saw was a LARGER than usual teal-colored crystal. Very pretty! I wanted it! But then I looked at the others. There were some VERY TEENY-TINY cabochon stones like tiger's eye, in an odd diamond-shaped setting...very nice but not my style...then similar ones, whitish, with weird stripy colors like on peppermints...interesting, but no. Something kind of like opals. Tempting. Then I saw a huge clear crystal cabochon. I don't much care for clear crystal, but it somehow refracted light of different colors from within it almost like an opal! So GORGEOUS! I picked that and held it up. MY ring! There was another similar to it but I wanted THIS one. I tilted it and the stone was even bigger than I'd thought--awesome! Then I looked deep inside it and found there was an image carved into the back of the crystal. :( I didn't like that! I wanted a pure, clean crystal! It was an image of a Persian cat or something, but then it changed into a...hippo. A cartoon hippo! (When I told Ma this part of the dream after waking up she burst into laughter.) I did not like hippos, but...well, it did look a TINY bit Egyptian...so maybe I could claim it was that little hippo statuette that is so famous. I showed it to Ma and she looked at it and exclaimed, "Is that an elephant??" "No, it's a hippo," I said. "An Egyptian hippo...I want this ring." Then she started laughing. I wondered why. She set the ring down and I could see the carving inside it, but now it folded out and became some sort of 3D display, like an unfolding card or plastic model. There was the hippo at first, standing up, and then he had a row of little plastic dolphins shooting out on both sides in front of him. They might have been pink. Then they changed into something else...I heard one of the others (Ma? Eric? Shannon?) make a remark about something sexual--WHAT? I looked more carefully and now at the end of the rows of dolphins (or whatever they were now) there was a little cartoony monkey and because of the position of one of the dolphins or something, it looked like it could be giving him oral sex. I was SO HUMILIATED! I had wanted this beautiful ring, when it turned out it was some kind of vulgar sex joke. I turned away and my eyes started tearing up. "Fine! I won't HAVE a ring!" I felt so awful.

* Maybe something about Cosmas? Only I feel he was female, and something was wrong with him, like he was ill or injured. The other night I had a dream he came walking by with blood on him and I think I picked him up to wash him off, only to find a lot more blood; he was acting normally but I grew frantic. I don't know what was wrong with him in this dream, if he did appear. I think he was supposed to be like Pepper. :(

* Some part with Ma and me. I had some food I was trying to finish, but couldn't for some reason; very foggy. Somehow some of it ended up in...our bathtub? I remember the water draining from the tub and there was all sorts of food in it...lots of rice and stuff, left on the bottom...yuck. I felt guilty for making such a mess. Ma didn't seem to care. Maybe Rayne was involved somewhere. I think this was in the part with Eric and Shannon. So gross.

* The most confusing one...I don't know how well I can describe it...

I don't remember how it started but I think I was chasing somebody or being chased. It probably shifted out of one of the other dreams. My memory picked up as it grew just SLIGHTLY lucid--I kept saying that I was dreaming, and influencing what was happening--it gave me a great feeling of power!--but I never once knew I was actually sleeping on the couch, so I don't count it as total lucidity. I was getting ready to flee home, I think. I just realized my "lucidity" and started changing things and this gave me confidence.

I rushed outside and I had a companion of some sort. I don't remember the order of this so I could have it wrong. I remember the trees were bare...there was snow and ice all around but the sun was setting and tingeing everything gold...I looked up into the treetops. I wondered, "Is it September 11th?" Then I thought, "No, it can't be. September 11th was a balmy day. Not wintry. It must be November or December 11th or something." For some reason I felt it was like two months later, but much the same. I don't know why 9/11 held importance here; maybe it was because Bosco on Third Watch was talking about it before I went back to sleep. (Stupid show!) I was atop this thing...like a big car or semi or something, yet also alive...it turned into the sideroad and started rushing toward the corner. There was a huge vehicle, frozen into the road. Only the very top of it protruded from the ice. Like it had submerged in water. I felt it was a semi or something. "Are we going to hit that?" I asked; then, "No! Let's go over it!" Whatever I was riding followed my instructions and I think we then went out, north, down the highway. There were more vehicles frozen into the road beneath us like some sort of catastrophe had occurred, but I had survived. I felt some anxiety or grief, but at least I wasn't alone.

As we went north there were two rows of cars and such stopped down the middle of the highway. We sped along and I was afraid of running into something but I said, "This is a dream!" and we somehow swerved around everything, squeezing between some, miraculously. I was very high up above them all but I don't remember seeing what I was riding; like it was invisible, or like I was flying. :/ We just kept going so fast.

I don't know if this happened before this or right now. But I was stopped at some point and there were two small animals that wanted to come with me. I think I was afraid of at least one of them at first, as I thought it might attack me. But they were friendly enough. They were kind of like stuffed animals or puppets. I thought, "All right, they can come." One might have been a dog, maybe one was a bunny. Light brownish colored. They started to jump up on this thing that I was going to ride (what was the vehicle, above?--now it was much, much smaller, brown, and furry, with a curved back--I don't remember a face or tail or legs) and one of them changed into a backpack. I was puzzled--I hadn't willed it to change into a backpack, I wanted them to follow MY instructions--but then thought, "Okay, a backpack; I can use that." So this backpack that had once been an animal, I picked it up and strapped it over my back. Then got atop this other big furry thing along with the other animal, I think. Though it was always like I had only TWO other sentient beings with me, not three.

Somewhere the characters from Ed, Edd & Eddy figured in here, maybe riding with me. Then I was riding this furry thing down a country road--a long, hilly country road--and this furry thing was GIGANTIC now. When I awoke I described it to Ma as a buffalo, but I think it could have been a bear. It was charging and I rode atop the "hump" or whatever, the curve of its back. I felt so free and wild and powerful. This creature was a very close companion of mine and I was probably even cackling with glee as I clutched at its fur as it ran.

And, um...there was some slight lucidity here too, as I seemed to remember ANOTHER dream where I had been riding a horse or something and had gotten...excited...because of the repetitive motions of it beneath me. o_o;;; In reality I recall no such dream, though I read a scene like that in one of those cheap little books once. In my dream though it had been an older dream of mine, and I willed that to happen again as I rode this big bearlike creature. It took a while but eventually it started to work...I felt like this animal friend or whatever knew what I was willing to happen, so there was no problem with that. Guh, embarrassing. >_<;

Dream shift. Something happened that I don't remember. I went into some sort of house and I was going to pretend to be a woman, some Latina-looking woman. Very pretty, thin, with sleek black hair pulled into a tight ponytail. The walls all seemed to be darkish pink but not tacky; sunlight was filtering through shaded windows into various parts of the house. I think I had a child, but he/she/it was in another room. Some things happened first; maybe my character had been stalked or attacked earlier on? Now I was roleplaying and I went into a bedroom or something and lay down on the floor at the foot of the bed(?). Kind of prone, with my arms and legs twisted at angles, to feign having passed out. I wanted my friend or sister to come and find me and panic. I wanted to cause a stir and to be rescued. I lay there for a while before realizing how uncomfortable it was, and then shifted a bit. And a bit more. It was hard to breathe, like my face was pressed into cloth. I tried moving again and felt my pose wasn't as believable as before, but my right arm (which was twisted beneath me or something) was beginning to hurt. I finally fell still and this other Latina woman, my friend or sister, entered the house, calling for me. I sort of controlled this; she came into my room and I made her gasp and cry out, bending down to help me. She scooped me up and cradled me but was careful with my neck in case it had been injured. I seem to remember her...bathing me with soapy water as some sort of treatment, right there, on the floor, as she held me. o_o I think I was going to show signs I was still alive, but possibly injured or poisoned, so she would call for help. I liked the sense of power I got there too, making somebody feel concern for me.

Maybe I was conveyed to the hospital or something? I seem to remember another part of the dream with Eric and Shannon in some big room, doing something, and me being injured or needing help, but I don't know.

Then the roleplaying ended and I was walking into the bathroom or kitchen of my house. I looked down at the floor and noticed...ANTS crawling around!! ANTS!! Big huge BLACK ANTS! I started hopping from foot to foot in panic...one would scramble past, then another, and another, in a row...I looked down at the wooden panelling near the air vent in the living room and noticed a HUMONGOUS black ant scuttle up it--it was TWO INCHES LONG!! *cries* I hate ants the way most people hate spiders or snakes--I can't stand them--they scare the SHIT out of me. I freaked out and ran from the room screaming for Dad. He appeared, somewhat miffed, and I cried to him about the ant infestation. He was mildly irritated but sympathetic and went to get some ant killer. He reappeared with what looked like a plastic bin full of soapy water and a sponge or something, and started rubbing the soapy "water" (in fact probably some kind of disinfectant or ant poison) along the bottoms of the walls. I left the room to let him do that and retreated to my bedroom to get away from the awful scene.

I then instinctively looked down at my own floor, near the heater. And...an ant--an ANT! IN MY BEDROOM!! I started to panic again! I had to move some junk out of the way, hoping to call Dad in here next. I spotted the ant trundling across my carpeting toward my bed! It was carrying a piece of food in its mandibles! I reached out to squish it with something and kind of hit it, but it got away! ANOTHER one came along and I missed it, too! And another! I started trying to scream for Dad, but it came out only as a whimper. My voice got stuck, as if my cold were holding it back. I could only hop from foot to foot and cry in fear. I started to flee from my room. I needed Dad to come in and get rid of the ants! I HATE ANTS!!!

...That was when I awoke. My alarm went off and I bolted upright and whimpered. "Ants! I dreamed about ants! They were in the kitchen and bathroom, and in my room...and there was this HUGE one...TWO INCHES LONG! It was so awful...!!"

I CAN'T F**KING STAND ANTS!!!!!

What an awful nap...this is the worst nap ever...I COULD have tolerated the menstruation part, and the sex joke part, and the ugly baby and the food in the tub and the other sex part but GODDAMN IT WHERE DID THOSE ANTS COME FROM!!!

**cries** I would rather dream about dead rotting bodies! I forgot to mention that in the dream, I had been lying on the same spot of floor where the ants had appeared MOMENTS later and I kept scratching the left back side of my head as I panicked looking for Dad...when I woke up my right arm hurt and my head itched, just like in the dream...so awful! AWFUL! God I pray we do not get ants this year. Not ones like those! ***cries***

Let me dream about bodies next time. Just NOT ANTS!! D***:>

I have not proofread this entry, I'm too flustered. I'm sorry for the language but F**KING ANTS!!!