06-05-03 @ 11:11 am EDT

If you're reading.

I'm too ashamed to read at the moment. I don't know if or when I'll be able to. I'm ashamed that I wrote all of that in such anger and then let you read it. I probably shouldn't have done that, but I didn't wait until I could calm down. Sometimes I don't know how to calm down until it's too late. When I'm calmer, I tend to just clam up and not say anything at all. The past month I could have just e-mailed YOU if it bothered me so badly, right? You've even said so, repeatedly. Instead I kept quiet and just let it get worse. I really don't know how to say things when I'm not in the midst of rage, and then it all comes out sounding wrong and incredibly spiteful.

I'm not saying I'm NOT spiteful, because obviously I am. I'm not even sure why I'm typing this entry here because this is something that should remain private, but...I don't know. You saw what my last private entry was like. I'm afraid of doing something like that again. Maybe if it's public I'll hold my tongue more like I should have before.

Maybe now that I'm not in the midst of a fit I can try to say some things clearer, but I don't know for sure.

The thing that sticks in my head as meanest, even though it probably meant little to you, is the rating. I'm sorry I removed it. That was one of the pettiest things I've ever done. I didn't know any other way to get your attention aside from contacting you personally, and you've seen how I am with that...if it were that simple I would have just e-mailed you ages ago. I just felt like...well...when you said you would send me an e-mail I felt it was my duty to remain silent until you did so, or unless something came up in your journal. I never got to see if the latter occurred because I didn't read the three or four latest entries. Everything after May 9th, I think. You already know why. I'm always like this. Whenever I sense I have a problem with someone else I always wait for them to take it up with me first, rather than tell them something is wrong, and as such I'm betting they never even know there's a problem. I have grudges against a lot of people I knew in elementary school and I bet they have no clue why. I never told them; I just expected them to know, and they probably had no way to do so.

I just keep expecting everybody to be so much better and more intuitive than me. I think I'm one of the lowest specks on the planet; why shouldn't everybody be better than me? That's no excuse, but it's always how I feel.

I can't take back anything I said in that entry...as much as I want to...but I wish I could take back the way I said it all. You MUST have had your own reasons for not noticing what was wrong with me. I know it. I don't know what they are because I've been too ashamed to look. But you must have had them. I should not have said everything like that. I hate saying this so much but I do believe though that if I hadn't said it like that, I would never have said it at all. You probably would have e-mailed me eventually to ask what's up and I probably would have told you off with a curt "Nothing." I don't know if you know this yet but when I get shortwinded and evasive it usually means I'm very angry...though you would not be able to tell from that thing I gave you to read...

So it seems like the only way I can let you know that something is wrong is by telling you off. And I hate that. I'm sorry that I did it. I wish I could just convince myself to just let you know when something is bothering me. YOU let ME know when something was bothering you...remember your entry where you worried that my opinion of you would change. Why can't I just do that, straight out? You couldn't even be sure I was even talking about YOU in my entries, I'm so vague. I got like that because I was afraid of hurting you, but look what I ended up doing anyway...

So after all of that, I don't know what to say aside from I'm sorry. I can't take any of it back or I would be lying. But I so wish I hadn't said it like that. I wish I were just able to let you know when I'm getting bothered so I can avoid all of this trouble. But I don't think that that will change. I'm always too afraid of bothering anybody or hurting their feelings by letting them know that something is wrong. I just expect things to get better on their own, but they only get worse. Even when I was typing all that up I was convinced you had much more important things to deal with. Somebody died, right? At least that's what the entry title said. My biggest concern? The reason behind that entry that bothered me so much?

I was called for jury duty for the first time in my life and I have been panicking. It sounds very stupid compared to a family death, doesn't it...but for the first week after getting that letter I sobbed to myself every day. I'm STILL worried. I can't bear the thought of going to jury selection, much less serving on a jury...I just cannot sit in a room full of strangers, for hours on end, with no escape in sight...day after day...disrupting all of my safe routines. It sounds trivial, but it's had me so upset that I can't even think about it if I want to keep calm. Somebody WAS helping me on that and I've been avoiding even HER because I'm too afraid of facing it. She was running out of suggestions and that was making me feel even worse; I didn't want to face her if all she had to say was that she had nothing left she could do to help me. That's why I sit and bitch in my journal all the time instead of doing anything to better my life; I'm even more afraid of failure than of my current situation! To get out of this, I need a signed form from a physician and I have no medical insurance, not even any diagnosed condition aside from OCD...OCD does not an excuse make...I don't even know how to contact my old psychologist, even IF she would help me for free. It turns out I will likely have to write them a letter myself to try to beg off. And I'm so terrified of doing that too, because I'm afraid of facing that room full of people, of failing and having to face that anyway. "You expect us to excuse you because you're SHY?? What kind of excuse is that? Go sit down and wait your turn!" She said they are likely to excuse me if I let them know how terrified I am, but I'm so afraid that she's wrong. Why should they excuse ME if I haven't a signed form? Why am I so special as to deserve an exception like that? I'm so afraid.

Just so you know now, that that was what was behind that entry. I don't know what else to say about it besides that...I'm still trying to deal with it, and don't know what will happen next.

But to everybody else, that's just not earthshattering. Everybody has faced jury duty, except me...I bet it was a piece of cake for everyone...but it has me so terrified.

If this is the WORST of my problems, what does that say about your problems or anyone else's? I'm certain they're much worse, so that's why I did not just e-mail you to express my worry. How STUPID would it have sounded to you, especially then? "Hey, a relative died? Sorry to hear that; but did you know I have JURY SELECTION...?" You had a death to face; I had jury duty, which isn't even certain yet. (God please don't let me have to sit in that room...) I couldn't rightly bother you by bringing up something so dumb.

So I festered about it instead...a lot of good that did.

I'm not sure what else I wanted to say. Oh. A couple of other things.

The "eleven" deal...I feel like I should apologize for that too. It's likely just me looking for an excuse for being so messed up; in fact, I'm willing to bet that's what it is. Back when I posted in the forum? (Now private.) I never felt I belonged there because all the rest of you had been through so much that I just hadn't been through. I WANTED to belong there, but I didn't. So my dad yells at me sometimes! So my mom ignores me! Big deal! Everybody's parents yell at or ignore them...it doesn't mean anything. I think eleven was just my way of searching for a reason to belong among all of you. Because, I want to be like all of you. I'm not saying you guys are messed up. But I want a reason for ME being messed up. An excuse. I want to be like all of you, to belong. Ultimately? Eleven is probably just me seeking attention, as always. Because truthfully, you've seen that when something horrible has happened to you in the past, you get more sympathy and attention. You belong to a special group. I wanted that, so badly.

So I stopped growing up at age eleven. Big deal. It probably doesn't mean anything except that I'm immature. And wanting attention. I'm sorry that I made you dig into that. I still DO keep looking at things and wishing they made some sense, that they connected somehow and implied something, but I'm betting there's nothing there to be implied. Just me needing attention as always. I admit I loved the attention you gave me when you were looking into eleven, but it was probably all pointless. I wanted to belong to your group because I've seen the attention and sympathy you all get and give each other, and I wanted it so badly. The Bruised forum and stuff, for example? I quit them long ago because...I never paid attention to anyone else...and what the hell was I even doing there anyway? Bruised? Hell! If anybody ever bruised me it was myself. I'm just too sensitive. Eleven is just a bunch of empty excuses, I bet. I really badly want it to be something else, as sick as that sounds. I know it sounds sick, to WANT that to have happened to you...all of this does...but at least then I would have had a reason to belong. I don't think I even have that.

You long ago commented on "A Crack Of Light," and said that perhaps something had happened in the past and I could talk to you if I wanted...and that opened the door for me seeking attention through a perceived common trait. There is probably no common trait after all...just a piece of fiction, some obsessions of mine, a few scattered dreams, a bunch of graphic fantasies, and a stupid number. I can't help fixating on it even more though...eleven eleven eleven...do you have any idea how often that stupid thing keeps popping up in all my writing? Even I didn't know...sorry, I'll shut up now...

I hate saying this because it means you and I would have to just quit bothering with the eleven thing when I still want to look for excuses...I just wanted to let you know in case you hate wasting more of your time. I wasted your time with that. The truth is I'm just a baby who never grew up and doesn't want to start now. And who wants attention. It doesn't explain the dreams or fears or the writing or anything but then again some things just don't have explanations. I'm abnormally terrified of ants, for example, and does that necessarily mean anything? No. Who's to say it isn't the same for eleven and everything else?

What was the other thing I wanted to say...I can't remember it right now. Damn it. I just had it, too. I have to wander off for a bit and try to remember it; sorry, but I don't think I can stand writing this in two sittings or I'll chicken out.

*sigh* I can't remember it...I hate that. I wanted to get this all out.

Oh. I think I remember it now. I wanted to ask you something. I'm not even sure it applies because I didn't read your e-mails. All I saw was the subjects. What I wanted to know was, would you be able to forgive me? If so...how? After I said all of that? And more? (I have definitely thought more, in my head.) How can you forgive somebody who thinks and feels that way when you're trying to be their friend? How can you forgive somebody with so much bitterness and anger? I probably wouldn't be able to. How could you?

If you can't forgive me, then I understand because like I said I wouldn't forgive me either; in fact I haven't. I've been beating myself upside the head for ever having gotten angry in the first place. Even if you do say it was your fault. It was MY fault. You told me you were human and you would make mistakes; how come I can't accept that? How come I hold all of you to higher standards than I hold myself? How come I expect all of you to just roll over and forgive me of the same things I always hold against you? How can anybody ever forgive somebody as spiteful as me? I am not a friend, I'm awful.

At the moment you would be the only one who could answer that question because nobody else who reads this has seen that entry, nor will I let them...I'm so ashamed that I feel and react that way...you're not the only one I've reacted to in that manner, either. You're just the only one I let know it.

I thought I had another question but I can't remember it by now. I have to post this before I cry much more. I would like to know if you could forgive me...even if I can't understand how you could...and if you can't, like I said I understand. If you never wanted to write again because I'm so f**king unstable, and petty, and spiteful all the time, I understand that. I just don't have any understanding of personal boundaries, no matter how much I say I'll try to understand; I take every little perceived slight so damn personally. I'm not saying that for sympathy; I really AM those things and that way. Everybody would believe me if they saw that entry. And even if you do forgive me and let me know how, I'm just so ashamed of myself that I don't know how I could bring myself to read it...I don't deserve your attention, or anyone else's, for that matter. Maybe I did, at one time, but not now. Not after writing all that.

What do you know, it's 11:11 right now...

Remember that I first e-mailed you after you reviewed "A Crack Of Light"? Back then I was thinking of eleven and hoping to get at it someday. That was why I contacted you...I'm sorry I used you like that. And for everything afterwards. I must have been wreaking hell on your mind with all the crap I've been pulling. Dealing with me is like dealing with a three year old throwing a tantrum...you just can't win. Psychic vampires? Yes, I am one. I demand so damn much from everybody and give so little.

I'm sorry that I made you think you owed me an apology. I owed YOU one, and it's still not enough. That's why I've kept babbling in this entry for so long; looking for the right words to make it right again. There aren't any. I'm still sorry.