06-07-03 @ 6:45 am EDT

I got rid of that thing from my portfolio a moment ago. I can never deny writing it but the thought of it sitting on the server any longer--sitting on the server in the first place--makes me cringe at myself. I hate that I can spew out such words, and so easily and so often. I wish I knew patience and trust in people, but those just don't seem to be two of my virtues. Even when I think I'm doing better, I just go and blow it again.

So there's an "invalid item" link just a few days old, but it's still settled right inside me and it will weigh there for a long time. I can't even try to start things again without my eyes tearing up. I hate being such an awful person.

The sky's gotten lower every day and it finally rained yesterday. No downpours, but I felt relief anyway. It's not that I hate sunshine and such. In fact it seems like every time I start to form plans to go for a long walk on a Saturday--weekdays I just need my sleep too much--that it rains and I have to stay home. But this is something that's been building up for a while now and it's about time it broke a little. It's always easier for me to sleep when it rains--it's darker and gloomier, and I know I'm not missing time that could be spent outside--plus yesterday evening and today it just gives this look to everything...it's gloomy, but it's pretty, somehow. The leaves popped out a week or so ago and now it's so green all of a sudden. I'm always surprised how abruptly that happens every year.

I don't know how to explain it but sometimes when it's rainy or cloudy it lends this shade to everything outside...this dim shade...especially when it's early like it is now. Not when the sky is just washed-out white. But when it's gloomy gray or yellowish or platinum. I'd like to see platinum skies more often but that could be a bad thing...every time the sky turns that particular color I know what's coming. But anyway...I can't explain it, really. The way the light hits the grass beneath the trees. I can only think of the illustrations in the old Serendipity books. Remember those? When you were little? They had the most gorgeous illustrations. I remember one of my favorite ones was the story with the unicorn named Morgan, and his friend...a little sheep, that's what it was. Named Yew. I couldn't remember all the details so I looked it up online and that's the name of the book, Morgan & Yew. Some of this is what I remember, and some is from what I looked up.

The sheep, Yew, felt very dumpy and ugly and was so jealous of Morgan's beauty that he wished for a unicorn horn just like his. He even made one out of mud (I forgot about this part), but Morgan laughed at him because it trickled down his face. Yew felt very hurt and groused that he wished he had Morgan's horn. Morgan said, "There can be only one unicorn here at a time. That means if I were to give up my horn, I couldn't be here with you anymore. Would you still like a horn?"

"Yes! Yes! More than anything!" Yew said.

Morgan sadly said, "Since you're my friend, I'll give it to you."

My memory is dim but they went to this mountain to await the morning star. When it came, the little sheep made a wish to have Morgan's horn. Morgan disappeared...and a huge horn appeared in the middle of Yew's forehead. He was so happy, and frolicked around with it.

But then he realized he was alone...the horn suddenly felt very heavy, and looked very ridiculous. Yew realized now how worthless that horn was, with nobody to share it with. He'd just wished away his best friend in the world, just out of envy. He cried for Morgan to come back, but it was too late; the morning star was gone.

The little sheep spent the entire day in sorrow. I remember "crystal tears" running down his nose. Finally, morning came, and he went to the top of the mountain to meet the morning star as it rose. He begged for it to take the horn back, to give it back to its rightful owner so Morgan could return. The morning star asked if Yew really wanted this, and he said, "Yes! I want my friend back more than anything. I'm nothing without him."

The horn disappeared from Yew's head...and Morgan reappeared. The little sheep was so happy. He learned that Morgan was a true friend because he'd given everything just to make him happy; he hadn't needed a horn to feel special. And he had learned that having a friend was much more important than being most beautiful. The two of them remained friends and every time Yew began to feel ugly and unspecial, he reminded himself what Morgan had done for him, and did not envy him again.

I didn't mean to go off on that tangent, telling the whole story there...but if you've seen the book, you've seen the beautiful illustrations. They're just as good as the writing. I forgot this part but the name of the place where these two lived was Emerald Isle and in every picture the grass was so green, like moss...and the trees the same way...I so wished I could just step into those pictures. Once in a while when the late sun shines down through the trees in the evening, across other people's yards (ours is too ugly and patchy), it looks a lot like those pictures from the Serendipity books...beautiful green grass, dark trees, shadows obscuring everything in the distance but reminding you there's still something there to be found if you wish to look for it. And sometimes, when the sky is heavy and cloudy, I get that same feeling too. Like I want to go out and look for something.

I only had a few of the Serendipity books...I remember two I had with the character Gabby, including Crabby Gabby...one about a cat missing its leg, and one with rabbits...Leo The Lop, I think?--I believe that was my first Serendipity book ever...and one with a squirrel, which was, oddly enough, about child abuse...but I can't remember the rest, if I had more than that...I don't know what became of any of them. I always wanted the entire set, I loved them so much. Even now I wish I had them all. I never even read the original Serendipity itself. There are just too many of them though and they're probably out of print...

I wanted to say more things in here, but my mind has gotten distracted thinking about those books. I think I'm going to just go browse to see what I can find. I'll be back later. Tar...