06-10-03 @ 11:43 am EDT

I wanted to work on an e-mail but I really want to write this entry which I alluded to in "Silver Eleven," I think it was. It's just on my mind at the moment. I don't think I could finish the e-mail before logging off for the day anyway as I tend to get very into e-mails...this is how I look, physically, when writing a long e-mail...

opens mail
sits
reads a line, sees if it's safe, maybe even if she's read it already
reads some more
opens another window
surfs
reads some more of the e-mail
surfs
checks other mail
checks other sites
reads mail
deletes something
thinks about tea or writing a journal entry
reads rest of mail
thinks about a character or a story
thinks more
wants to write about that
opens up reply box
sits
holds fingers over keys
switches to other window
thinks
goes back to mail
types a line
thinks
sits
sits
maybe types another line
sits
gets up and goes to bathroom
plays with cat
sits down and thinks
surfs
goes back to e-mail and types a bit more
gets really into a paragraph that goes on for...ever
types another paragraph similar to above
thinks
thinks about characters
thinks about rewriting
sighs
stares at ceiling
ponders saving draft
looks at clock
curses self
types some more
no time to proofread
sits and thinks
saves draft...

You wouldn't be able to imagine how much of the above I did just typing that up...well actually most of it was just sitting and thinking, and wanting to get up and do something else, but I refrained...

So I have just wasted about ten minutes on that part alone, which is why I thought writing this entry might be better than getting into an e-mail right now.

I wanted to try to explain why a cartoon character is so important to me that I actually remember HIS birthday at the expense of like everybody else's.

You see, that up there is Damien, in case you didn't know. (And the only way you CANNOT know is if you aren't a frequent reader.) He's a fictional character I created around 1990. It was originally his older brother, Lucifer, who was my main character and who was meant to carry off the novel Lucifer when I started it in 1989. Hence Lucifer appears in some of my earlier works in a prominent role, while Damien is nowhere to be found. But somehow the younger brother became the protagonist and Lucifer was pushed...well...I don't think he even enters the story that started out being named after him. (It's changed so now it's named after his dad, who has the same name, so it doesn't matter. Lots of people in Dami's family have the same names, get used to it.) The sequel novel, D Is For Damien, I started writing in 1990 before the first was even finished...I can't remember exactly when I finished it, but I finished Lucifer in high school, around 1994-5. Talk about procrastination. The only real reason I finished it? The guy who professed to be my boyfriend really wanted to read the ending. He said something to me once--I remember it clearly, it was at the county fair--that sticks with me to this day. It's indicative of just how well he must have really known me, even if he turned out to be an asshole who was probably just out for nookie. At the fair, he turned to me and said,

"I'm your Damien. I'll never hurt you."

While I know nobody in their right mind will ever say that particular comment again, if I were to ever have a boyfriend, a REAL boyfriend, this is the attitude I would want from him. That he would be "my Damien." I realize this sounds borderline psycho and I don't blame you, looking at the goofy drawing above. But I'll try to explain it so maybe you can get a clearer picture of why I post his happy birthday every June 6th when I can never even remember what days my parents' birthdays fall on.

The D Is For Damien series (yes, odd, I know--I named the entire series after the SECOND book in it, not the first) was probably the first series I really invested a lot of time and energy in. The Horus series DID come first. But I never wrote as much in that and never finished more than Horus and the junky first version of Osiris themselves. (Both being completely rewritten, one done, one not.) The King Kuts series was the VERY first series I spent a lot of time on, and did finish a lot of...but I consider those "kiddie" works by now, childish things of poor quality, more like false starts on my way to really writing. They still mean a lot to me, but aside from Horus--and like I said, the version I had finished around that time was a crappy one, not at all like the current one--Damien was the one whose story I focused on the most, and it was his story that really signified my transition from "kiddie" writing to "adult" writing. At least, as adult as those things get...

I will not say the D4D novels are any good. IMO, they're not. When I first posted Lucifer online at Open Diary, now Free Open Diary, and asked for comments from another site, I had any confidence roughly shredded to bits by one particular critic whose idea of "help" was to mercilessly flay me alive, even after I asked him to just leave me alone. When I asked him why he would not do so he insisted he was butchering my ego for the sake of art, and that leaving anonymous insulting comments was the best way to do so, I guess. I had to disable the notes function twice before he finally left...and I never had confidence in the series again. That was back in 2000. It has yet to change, though I do rather like Minot, written around 1995, only because my style had evolved since Lucifer and D4D. The other roughly-twenty books have never been written and probably never will be. But they take up a very large place in my heart and mind. I can still like them, all to myself. I'm just not as inclined to ask for feedback on them, knowing how crappy they probably are. Once bitten, twice shy.

But...I've spent this much time babbling, and I have yet to get to the actual entry itself. Out of all my hundreds of characters, some MUCH more interesting, why is it Damien who sticks in my head all the time? How come I can rattle off his statistics so easily when I can't remember basic details about characters like Kristeva and Devetko, when I forget my Apsiu's fur colors, when I don't even know Charmian's last name? (Jeez, does she even HAVE one?) I freaked out last week because I couldn't even remember the color of TAL NATHA'S TAIL!! Dami? Just ask me something about him that somebody should know about their characters, and I'll know it...if I don't know it, that's only because it hasn't come up yet, but you can be sure I'll quickly figure it out and fill you in. He's been living in my head for the past thirteen years, after all. Crap, need I even tell you that the homemade D Is For Damien soundtrack contains music by The Cure and MC Hammer and MILLI VANILLI?? (Little-known and highly embarrassing fact! Proto-Damien--the one whose picture I drew in junior high, back when such things were yet to be laughed at by peers--was a huge fan of Milli Vanilli--his hat even said this, only I did not know the proper spelling, and it thus was "Milly Vanilly." This was before anybody knew the truth about that particular pair, mind you. That fact afterwards quickly vanished into the recesses of my brain, and I'm only digging it up now to show you just how long this guy has been a part of me. Cue insane blushing!! >_<;;;)

To just quit blabbering and get down to it...why does this character mean so much to me? Why do I think about him so much? What's his importance?

He's confident. He believes in his own abilities, and while he does often doubt himself, he doesn't let that deter him so much that he becomes useless. He knows what he's capable of and makes use of it. If he's unsure about something, he'll try anyway. He won't just sit and let himself be ruled by fear of failure.

He's confident, but not too cocky. He knows most of his limitations. If he can't do something, and knows it, then he'll admit it. If he's lost and needs directions, he can swallow his pride and just ask. He can be reckless sometimes, but he's not bewilderingly stupid. He'll do what he can do, try what he's not sure of, and if he can't do something, then he'll just live with that fact.

He cares. I've learned after all these years what Dami's motivation in everything is--his family. He would literally do ANYTHING for them, even risk himself. What I said above about him knowing his limitations and not doing something if he knows he can't do it? That goes out the window when his family's safety is concerned. In his own mind, his own welfare does not matter if one of them is in trouble. He will lay everything on the line for them. And the odd thing is...he'll often do the same for others, even complete strangers. There's more than one reason I named him after one of the Unmercenary Saints. (Look up information on Saints Cosmas and Damian, if you wish to know more about that.)

He's not a snob. Even with as famous as he is, in my stories, he does not consider himself a superstar. He lives in a bigger-than-usual house, yes, but aside from that it's nothing special. In fact he lives right next door to me (at least, to where I would be living, if I were included in my own stories). He has never abandoned his roots and never will. He makes loads of money, but aside from his weakness for Lamborghinis (he has two--actually three, as one was totaled in a car wreck in 1998), he has no real need for it. Most of it goes to charities--again take a look at whatever you find about the Unmercenaries. His namesake and his namesake's twin brother were often called the "Silverless Ones" because they took no fees for their services...Dami is much the same way. What he takes, he gives back. This opens him to ridicule, yes, but he doesn't care. If fans come to him, he remembers who he was before he became famous and smiles and says hello. He never rudely pushes somebody away when they want to see him. And while he does have his down days, he tries not to take it out on others.

He's been wounded, but he's still on his feet. Damien has been badly hurt, many times over. He was nearly killed at age six, and thought he witnessed the murder of his beloved uncle, twice. He lost his parents to a cult. He was separated from his family for years. He lost his twin sister to a murderer. He was beaten nearly to death by his own father, has witnessed the deaths and near-deaths of friends and comrades, has been tortured and nearly brainwashed himself, has almost literally come back from the dead--more than once--and has constant worries and nightmares about the ones he loves. Yet he tries not to let this keep him down. Unlike most of my other wounded healer characters--Kristeva, Reichert, Kincaid, Djuta, Black Rat, what have you--he doesn't allow the negativity to consume him--even after all the times he's been betrayed and disappointed, he still somehow believes in the best in others. Because of this part of his nature he comes across as naive and, yes, sometimes stupid. When the truth is that he just isn't the cynical type. He might present a jaded exterior, but he isn't like that. Even though he's 34 by now, there's always something childlike about him in that he's willing to give EVERYONE a chance. Well...almost everyone...

He's protective. If he senses danger, he'll step right up to face it. If he witnesses someone weaker than himself being threatened, he'll step in to prevent it, by any means possible. He's not violent--he'll try persuasion and compromise first, if he can. But he's not afraid to fight. It's THIS part of his personality that has gained him the label of a criminal and a troublemaker, when most of the police know him better than that. He is not an aggressor. Even bad guys, when they first see him, can't help but wonder why anybody might think he's in the least bit dangerous--he certainly doesn't look like it, being an average 5'8" tall and a relatively scrawny 145-160lbs in weight. If I had to describe his build, it would be lean verging on androgynous. But his looks are pretty deceptive. And if he sees ANYBODY striking a child or a woman...they'd better watch out, because at that moment all his reason and goodnatured attitude will fly out the window. He grew up seeing people he loved being tormented and held down, and he won't put up with it anymore. He tries to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but if they step over the line, they'd better be prepared to deal with somebody who CAN fight back.

He's forgiving. If someone slights him, intentionally, he's not likely to just sit and take it. But if he senses sincerity in an apology, he's willing to forgive. He CAN hold a grudge...but he prefers not to. That takes too much energy, and too much spite...and while he's high energy, he's not the spiteful type. He would rather forgive and move on than let things fester.

He's charming. He might not read emotions the best, but he's good at figuring out what people like. If someone is down, he can make them laugh...or give them a shoulder to cry on, whichever they need. If it's laughing and forgetting they need, he'll crack the first joke. If it's solitude and tears they need, he'll give them their space. Sometimes he has to be told what somebody needs before he can figure it out, true...but he does give it to them, and he picks up what cues he can.

He's stubborn. This might be seen as a bad trait, but...when all the odds are against you, sometimes you need to have a thick head. While he won't batter his head against the wall if he KNOWS he can't do something, he WILL try to find something he CAN do...and he'll just keep looking until he finds it. Giving up is not in his nature. He's too stubborn to give up. This does make him stupid at times. But I never claimed he was perfect. He's just not the type to cave so easily.

He's tolerant. Even when he doesn't really understand something, as long as it hurts no one, he can accept it. If he's hit on by a gay person, he can accept that as flattery without feeling TOO awkward, and without feeling threatened. If he crosses a new lifestyle, he might stare, but he won't ridicule. His worst enemies are criminal Satanists...yet he knows some other Satanists, non-criminals, and hasn't a thing against their choice of religion. He has his own values, yet understands that not everyone's beliefs will be the same. And that's fine with him.

He's not superhuman, but he's strong. He'll let people lean on him, if they need to. He may not understand everything emotional--he's much more mentally oriented than anything--but he'll be there if somebody needs him. He's the type of person to pick up the phone in the middle of the night (heck, he can't sleep most of the time anyway), and drive a hundred miles in the rain if they need him. (At speeds pushing the limit, of course. ;P ) He's been bent plenty of times, but not broken. Like I mentioned above, he hasn't let adversity make him grow bitter, and he hasn't grown afraid of facing it. He can be a rock of somebody needs him to be. At the same time, however, he's not made of stone. He CAN cry, and while he doesn't like this fact, he won't deny it. Only the unhuman don't cry. And only liars say that they never do.

He's tarnished, but not blackened. He has made mistakes and owned up to them. He can acknowledge that he'll make mistakes in the future, and he'll own up to those, too. He knows he's not perfect, nor will he ever be, and that's all right. He has a good heart, and a good soul, and and the willingness to work hard on himself and to work hard for others. One of his BIG weaknesses is faith...it flusters his priest uncle no end that Damien just can't get the concept of blind faith, and this IS one issue that they argue about, frequently...but in lieu of that he's willing to work hard for those who can't help themselves. Perhaps he's wrong in believing that if he works hard enough, and does enough good deeds, that he can fully redeem himself...who can say...but at least he's doing something, rather than sitting around complaining about it.

And I'm betting there are a million other things about him that I could add here, but I have to end this entry after almost an hour spent on typing it, without proofreading it, and post it now.

These are the reasons I love Damien so much.

Because he's every single thing I wish that I was, but am not.