06-15-03 @ 9:17 am EDT

I came across a story called "A Lieutenant's Duty," and while it has nothing whatsoever in common with any of my writing, it was the title that caught me, since lieutenants figure so much in my stories. I'm beginning to wonder if, like in Manitou Island, I should not retitle the chapters of the Chronicles to make them more interesting than just "Part 1," "Part 2," etc. I would need to think up titles to go with the plot, though.

I'm going through and unrestricting my fiction...hope I don't regret this. I unrestricted MI a while ago and now I'm doing the rest. Slowly I'll see about unrestricting most of my port, but Skew and Skew 2 will likely always be restricted from nonmembers. It's not as if they're private, with all the other copies of them--it's just that he knows they are here and as he's patient, I won't take that chance, even if he appears to be gone.

*cross fingers*

Plus, so far this does not include my main folders as those are seen from my port page even when one is not logged in...I'm not sure what to do about those. Make them unrateable? One would have to be a member here anyway to ding me, and that would just be inevitable. Maybe I should just stop worrying. Maybe I should stop thinking so much.

Horus unrestricted.

I am very behind in my entries at LJ. It would be easy enough for me to just catch up, but with their stupid five-entries-a-day policy, I have to post five, wait a day, post five, wait a day...I think I still have ten, then this one will make eleven, and so I'll have to wait that long to post them. Just to catch up. They could at least make it five posts a DAY rather than every 24 hours--I don't post five entries a day--but when catching up, I have to. They should let you post backdated entries that don't count toward the five-a-day total, just as long as you really DON'T go over five entries in a one-day span. I don't know if I made that understandable. Basically, let's say I post two entries here on June 6th. I forget to post those at LJ for whatever reason. Then I post three on the 7th, and one more on the 8th. I decide to go to LJ and catch up. I have six entries to post. But oops! As it is, it will only let me post five of those and I have to wait 24 hours to post the last one. I think the way it SHOULD be set up is, they should let me post all of them then, at once, because I never went over FIVE ENTRIES A DAY--I have over five entries to catch up on, yes, but it was only two one day, three the next, and then one. It should let me post them all around the same time as long as I didn't have five for each day. Days when you don't go up to or over the five-a-day limit should not be counted--you should still be allowed to have the posting privileges you did not use on those days. The way it is, if you don't post up to five a day, the rest of the entries allotted for that day are wasted--you don't get the chance to use them at a later time. I find that stupid, because it doesn't save space either way.

Lucifer unrestricted.

Diaryland has the habit of temporarily disallowing posting privileges for free members until the stress on the server is lessened, and while that can be very annoying, especially when it seems to keep happening at weird times whenever *I* feel like posting (why is it so busy in the mornings when people should be asleep??), at least I can post more than five things a day if I have to catch up. I've felt very dampered at LJ just because of this policy. I wish either they'd lift it to ten entries or let us catch up when we don't go over the five-a-day limit--TRULY allot (am I spelling that right?) us five entries a day, even when that day has already passed. As it is it's like you have to hurry up and post your entries IMMEDIATELY else you forfeit your right to catch up later, and I think that's a cheat. I don't think I can explain it any better so if you don't get it, I can't help it then.

D Is For Damien unrestricted.

I'm looking at some very beautiful digital art by a user named "gunsan" at Renderosity.com. She(?) is a real artist, much better than some of the other drek I always come across online. Some pics would make great desktops. I'm tired of coming across pictures of teenagers' arms cut up and the blood running down the drain as if that's "art." That's not art, that's showing off your injuries, and if you feel such a need to show them off online, chances are you're not hurting yourself out of pain or mental anguish anyway. It just seems that most SI'ers would be ashamed of what they do and try to hide it. I understand expressing your pain, but there's a difference between that and just trying to get attention. I know I'm hardly one to talk when it comes to seeking attention, but at least I don't go posting pics of every bruise I get as if it's really artsy and deep. Ooooh, ANOTHER blurry, poor-quality picture of blood flowing down a drain...deep. Original. Not. I know some "SI'ers" will bitch at me, at least mentally, if they read that, but it really is the opinion I myself hold as an SI'er.

Minot unrestricted.

I'm also getting tired of seeing the same old story featured in the sponsored items...this person has like three or four novellas--they are HUGELY long. And they sponsor them so damn much that they have hundreds of ratings, plus some awardicons, each! So that blasts the theory that people do not read longer works--they'll read them, if they're sponsored up the wazoo. I believe in capitalism, and I know I'm just jealous, but come on, give somebody ELSE a chance to showcase their work. It's also just my opinion but the protagonist is very cliched. I can't give away too much of it lest somebody identify the work, but it's a female and with the way they act you'd think they're male, and a very stereotyped male at that. The language/dialogue is also cliched. And it's supposed to be a certain genre but it feels a lot more like a different genre to me--again, can't explain why without giving too much away; I probably already have. Mainly I'm just pissed off that it's sponsored so damn much while some truly good-quality stuff is probably overlooked and ignored. It makes me angry to think of how many people on this site probably work so hard, pouring their hearts into a story, and it won't get the recognition it deserves because it's not sponsored and because they don't have a ton of friends to read it for them. And I am NOT talking about only my work; lots of times I come across things that look better than the sponsored stuff I see and nobody has even rated them. I would, if I had the time and inclination, but much of my inclination for interaction here is gone; ever since the end of MI, I've noticed I don't seem to be writing for this site anymore. I write only for myself, and the few who return to my port, and they are interested mainly in RTMI and not the rest so all the rest of my writing has been neglected. Face it, I don't really focus on something, even if I love it to death, if I feel nobody else cares for it. I'm trying not to whine, just stating what I've been feeling while I'm here to state it.

Book Of The Gods unrestricted.

Continued--I USED to feel the urge to help out other writers here, to R&R and be active on the site outside my own port, but when that's returned very little, even by those who SAY in their ports that they'll return R&R's (for the most part I've learned that's not true), I just don't feel that desire to be of service. I feel very hypocritical for at this moment someone is plodding through MI and has gotten up to about halfway through and I have sent them only one thank you so far; I don't know, I guess I'm just skeptical of sending out even more thanks until they get through it, because I'm so used to people starting, me thanking them profusely, and them never coming back. I feel like I jinx the story or something if I seem too desperate for them to read it all. It just gets very annoying. I feel like I should not thank people until they've made it all the way through, because lots have said they will try and very few have succeeded, for whatever reason.

Hm, I should probably delete this preview for RTMI since, hello, the story is here, isn't it? And that scene has already happened. I'll put it on private and copy the reviews later and delete it then...that should free up one more space.

While I am bitching supremely, let me get ONE more out of the way, please? This concerns old blood between another member and myself. They are one of the mods I knew as a black case when they first joined; I was one of the first, if not THE first, person to R&R one of their stories so long ago, you've probably seen that whiny entry, bla bla, moving on.

Tales From Manitou Island unrestricted.

Continued--anyway, they wanted participation in their group to increase as it's been seriously lagging. I pop in once in a great while to post something of relevance, but not that often because I just don't have anything to say. I well understand this person's frustration as I've been in the exact same situation at Yahoo! Groups; even had some idiot tell me, when I posted to explain why I don't much moderate the Group anymore as there's no participation, that he hopes to start some conversations. Well, start away! But don't you dare think I'm obligated to respond to them. Groups function only when OTHER members participate, not just one member and the moderator/owner. I'll be damned if I'll have him laying a guilt trip on me just because *I* do not post. I USED to post, until the other hundred-odd members stopped. I'm not taking up most of the responsibility. If he's pissed off because I won't reply to his posts, that's the Group's fault, not mine.

Anyway, like I said, I obviously understand this other person's frustration when they set new rules of participation in the hopes of keeping the group active. It looks as if it is not working. But again that is the fault of more than one person besides me. This person themselves is often absent from the site for long periods of time; at least they admitted to that, which I respected. Most people can't admit that. But there's one little niggling detail that has had me angry with them for a long time.

Long, long ago, when I finished a story of mine--I can't name it as it might give away the group and the person I'm talking about--I posted a link to it in the forum in the hopes of getting reviews, since it's related to the group's subject matter. One person who I do not like anymore rated it without commenting, then returned to comment--and I appreciate that she did that, even if that was probably the ONLY item in my port that she ever read, while I made sure to R&R all the parts of a similar story of HERS until she told me people would not R&R my stuff because it was "too long." (Whether she was right or wrong wasn't the point--SHE wrote long stuff which got lots of R&R's--so who was she to tell me MINE was too long??) But anyway, this rant was not about her. Back to the subject.

Book Of D's unrestricted.

Continued--the owner of the group replied to my post and said they'd be delighted to R&R my story. And...and...and...

They never did. Nope! Must have forgotten.

When they recently tried to step up participation in the group, they suggested that people plug related items. I, still feeling bitter about them offering to review MY related story and never getting around to it, hinted that I would love to plug my Chronicles but the content rating on them was likely too high. As I had even QUOTED them in the group before, I thought this person would take the hint that maybe I DID want a comment on them from this person. PLEASE?

When I said this, they sweetly replied with, "Oh, you can plug OTHER people's items if you want!"

THANKS A LOT! I'm sure OTHERS need the publicity! *steam* I have to refrain from calling a bad name here...I don't feel they deserve that, but I'm very pissed off with that remark. Was this person really that blind to not see what I was getting at? Did they really NOT remember when they said they would read my other item? That got me SO mad. I was very obvious in my hinting, and then they slap me in the face with, "Plug somebody ELSE'S item!" Other people can plug their own stuff! I wanted you to read mine! Can't you see how much I would value YOUR opinion? That's the only reason it pisses me off so much, because as the story always goes, it was because I valued this person's opinion so much that I plugged in the first place, and got so angry when they never even looked.

Besides, they have written material as graphic as almost anything in the Chronicles--even though the Chronicles are primarily sex oriented, I like to think they are deeper than that--and so far most people have told me they are. Why can't this person overlook the content rating for once and COMMENT? So it's listed under "Erotica" and has a lot of sex in it (the first part, at least). At least I focus on character development and such. They said they were willing to look past graphic stuff if the focus wasn't on sex, but what's so bad about sex? (GAH, I never thought I'd say that!! O_O; ) I believe I understand why they made that rule for plugging--there are many items in certain genres that make it seem as if those genres are all about sex when they are not, and this person was probably trying to avoid cheapening the genre or perpetuating stereotypes. I understand and commend that. BUT, why can't they overlook whether something is ABOUT sex, just as long as it's written well, focuses on character development and plotting IN ADDITION to sex, AND does not disparage the genre in question? I want to believe my Chronicles strive to do all those things--so this person should take a look at their rule and apply it accordingly. I have worked hard not to make the Chronicles just cheap smut. Just because they FOCUS on sex rather than on other aspects of the genre doesn't make them cheap or bad for the genre. If anything I think it can help the genre out, as I try to make the sex parts meaningful rather than cheap. Why can't this person see that and comment? I would highly respect their opinion if they could not be so prudish about it. (There's another thing I never thought I'd say.) They've written graphic material before, so who are they to shun reading it? Even I read erotica if it's not just cheap sex. I would certainly consider it, if I were the one running the group.

Random Stories unrestricted.

And I'm DOUBLY pissed off because that other person I mentioned above?--she BROKE RULES of the group and posted a link to her ENTIRE multipart story, WHICH features an X-rated chapter (which in itself breaks the stated rules!)...but the group owner KINDLY allowed the plug to stand. They've probably R&R'ed every chapter of it, too. The same story I was R&R'ing until she told me oh, my work is too long for HER to bother reading. Well isn't that nice, the rules can be bent for HER but not for me. So it's not like the owner is sticking 100% to the rules. Why not bend them a little further, or at least modify them? The way they stand they make it seem as if erotica is a dirty genre which should not even be considered as good writing even if it's the focus of the story. DAMN I feel weird sticking up for sex stories!! >_< But even prudish me feels they have their place if carried off right. The few GOOD erotic stories out there should not be vilified because of the many BAD ones.

(Not saying MINE are necessarily good--but I can't tell what this person thinks of them, as they have written mine off as smut in their very rules! WHICH they broke, for this other user...)

The Trench Rats already unrestricted. Moving on.

Even after ALL of the above...I would not be so mad...if they had simply reviewed my OTHER, non-X story like they'd said. In my post hinting about me wanting them to read the Chronicles (at least the first part!), I DID mention I had a few OTHER items that were not X-rated and that fit into the genre, and that abided by the plugging rules. I said I was kind of afraid to plug them since I'm not good at tooting my own horn. And...I already gave their response--"PLUG SOMEBODY ELSE'S ITEMS!" If that was not the BIGGEST-ass hint you have ever read--"I do have some such stories but I'm afraid of tooting my own horn"--then what kind of hint do I have to GIVE? YES, I wanted them to read MY stories--and I do have a few that abide by the rules. The real reason I'm afraid of plugging them? Because I DID plug one, once, and they said they'd read it and never did! They don't even seem to remember saying that! Why should I be inclined to actually PLUG something again--something I ALREADY plugged and that they promised to read--if I've already been stung once by this person? Who's to say they'll live up to their word and R&R it THIS time? They vow they'll R&R everything that's plugged, but I have heard THAT one lots of times before...the last time was for the very item of contention I mentioned above, Part 1 of the Chronicles. It was promised two reviews on a new plug page for X-rated items...there were like FIVE items, total, plugged on that page...I waited...and waited...

Osiris unrestricted.

...and waited...the page was updated to now say that only ONE review would be promised! Well sheesh, thanks! But still I waited...and waited...and while there was not a huge amount of activity on the page, still it was being updated, and...nope, never got ONE review, much less the two that had been promised. Long I had hoped someone would open up an X-rated plugs page, but a lot of good it did if reviews were promised and never given. I anonymously groused to the owner and if they had TRULY read all the OTHER items as promised, they could have looked at their own page and realized which item they had NOT reviewed--namely, mine--and could have THEN reviewed it, or dinged me, or whatever, at least showed they knew it had been plugged and admit they had lied and were not offering the reviews they said they were. Instead of bothering to look into it, they sent me some GPs in return for my comment...wow thanks...not. It never did get either of the reviews promised.

So after THOSE experiences, do you really think I'm so inclined to plug anymore? It's one thing to plug and not be noticed; that happens, too often. It's a whole 'NOTHER thing to plug repeatedly in places where you are PROMISED reviews and to never get them. Sheesh, I remember a few of my very first experiences seeking out review forums here, the reason I don't bother with them anymore. I posted a plug in three forums. I think I got one or two reviews. They were pretty much "Great story, I really liked it. Well written." That's nice, at least they did R&R...but I had just expected a bit more, like comments on what I'd done right, specifically, and opinions on what if anything needed fixing. I wasn't even told what I'd done right. The third reviewer? Never got back to me. I believe I saw them posting in the forum, but I guess they were overwhelmed. That experience turned me off from review forums so much that I've never put hope in them again. Another reason why I'm so reluctant to plug to this person. If they just can't catch the hint that I have been awaiting their comments for MONTHS, can't I be angry that they had the gall to tell me to plug someone ELSE'S items? They didn't even bother to say something like, "Oh, don't be shy; go ahead and plug! We'll see if it's as bad as you think." I would still be skeptical but at least they would have taken my hint. I really just want to out and tell this person, "You already promised me a review of this long ago. From what I can tell you didn't read it...I was disappointed, because I really would have respected your opinion. Should I plug it again, will you have time for it? Or should I just take it elsewhere? I would also respect your opinion on my X-rated writing, but you've ruled that out; I feel it's more than just smut and I would really like to hear what you think, but I did not make the rules." What good would any of that do besides make them feel bad, if anything? No matter how pissed off somebody might make me, I'd much rather sit and hold it all inside and grow to detest them than tell them to their face and hurt their feelings...and probably end up pissing off THEIR friends while I'm at it. It's better to suffer in misery and let nobody know how much you're growing to hate seeing their name than to wound their pride.

Background Info unrestricted.

I am being SO bitchy here today, when I didn't intend it. :/ All this over a sponsored item...sheesh. I should have put all that in warning violet but as I did not anticipate so much whining ahead of time I forgot. Sorry. To sum it up, I'm just very disappointed that I already plugged for this person and they didn't read it then, so I'm reluctant to try again. And I'm angry that they bend their own rules for somebody they like more than me, but I'm too afraid to ask them to bend the rules for MY story. I feel they're being a little too judgemental concerning genres and they should broaden their scope a bit--they can always refuse an adult item if it really DOES get trashy, but they should at least keep the option open so that erotica writers don't have to feel that their writing is all junk and gives this other genre a bad name. When I was told that writing adult material isn't a bad thing and I should not be ashamed, I did not think I could possibly face shunning by other writers of adult material just because of genre-crossing. It's very disappointing.

As I said, I believe I understand their reasoning, but I think they shut out too many potentially good works with the strictness of this rule, and that they should let up on it a bit; maybe OFFER reviews to higher-rated items that focus primarily on erotica, but do not PROMISE such reviews, if the item does not live up to certain standards of characterization and plot development and such. Bla bla bla. Should I tell this person that? Why bother, they'll probably identify me. Still, it's a thought; I would just need to figure out how to phrase it tactfully. I get the feeling that although this person did write adultish material and still does, they've "found religion" and now are turned off by the graphic stuff; I hate it when people use religion to get prudish. I read the Song of Solomon and that's no chaste story, if you get my drift. The Bible is one of the most sex-filled books you'd ever read. And people are always going on and on so much about sex being a glorious thing that should not be vilified if it's between consenting loving adults bla bla that I seriously wonder why it's still frowned upon by these very people if it's the main focus of a story. C'mon, SOME erotica can have an actual story to it, too. Even if most of the action involves...well, you know what I'm talking about by now.

Hm, all my fiction is unrestricted, so...

I really have to pee. I can't believe I ranted that long about SEX! I am such a hypocrite! Erotica should not have an inhibited virgin speaking up on its behalf. Crap, crap, crap. It's a sorry day when that happens. I'll pass that torch on to somebody else. >_<;

And I KNOW I had more to talk about than just that. CRAP! I'm pretty sure it was about...oh yeah. I've been revising Part 7 of the Chronicles. Guh, I need a bathroom break. Captain Ahen is being introduced a LOT earlier than he was before (which for those who know--which is me :P --was during Djuta's trial, though he was not named just yet)...it's coming out a little hard, but I'll eventually get it...and I'll make the dreaded Part 8 make more sense, too. It's too abrupt as it is; that scene needs a reason for happening. It can't be just shock value anymore. If I'm going to defend erotica so damn much, I'd better stick to my own rules!

I hate not having much good to say when I've just spent like an hour or two bitching about something. o_o Hummmmmmmmm. I banged my knee the other day. It didn't bruise though...as if I'd show you a PICTURE of that! Phhhbbbbtttt. Surely I can do better than that. Well, I have been wanting to e-mail Sumi to comment on a recent journal entry of hers, but wondered if I could post it in here instead. I have yet to make up my mind...it was about losing track of friends. And about the very thing that I started to complain about up there, hurting oneself. But I'll wait until I'm more disposed to type more in here...like when my BLADDER IS NOT PESTERING ME SO MUCH!!

Sheesh, I really lost track of time. I didn't even get to finish looking at this artist's gallery...*sigh* Or to catch up more at LJ. Or to PROOFREAD THIS! I'm too bored with myself to bother reading everything I wrote by now, so please excuse the venom and the typos. I was only venting...though some things still have me mad (like the whole plugging issue), I'll get over the others and maybe now that I've typed that all I can simmer down a little bit.

Oh yeah! One more thing. I was informed I'll have another item in the Fantasy Newsletter. The strange thing is, I was not told which one...and the editor who sent the notice has never R&R'ed any items of mine, much less any fantasy items. Plus none of my fantasy items have unexpectedly gotten any reviews or ratings lately. So I have no clue what she could be talking about. :/ I hate it when things don't make sense like that--how can I have an item featured if nobody running the letter has recently looked at it? I hope things fall into place later. I hate being confused. I suppose I should just be happy that I'm actually getting something in there again (THIS was where I ORIGINALLY intended to post all that junk about me not being involved with the site much anymore--I haven't had anything featured publicly in ages, hence affirming my ideas about my growing insular state)...though with the way things go it's probably one of my crappier items. *sigh* I never did think "Sovereignty" was good enough to win anything, though I'm not looking THAT gift horse in the mouth. I just wish my TRULY good items would be the ones that are noticed! (Though what I think is "truly good"--at least, better than the rest of my stuff--seems to be at odds with what others think. Oh well. I'm not whining, just very confused. My intuition must be all off.)

I'm so sorry this ran on for so long! At least I gave you an adequate title. Forgive me for all the bitching...if it helps, my entries have been a BIT more positive as of late so maybe I was due for this? >_< Blah. Sorry again. I think I really need a muzzle, or a Chinese finger trap. I will not be nearly so blathery the next time I set foot in here, promise.

Tar...