06-17-03 @ 2:18 am EDT

This entry won't be any better than the last one. It's going to be worse. I'm sorry for breaking my promise, but it's not like I had any idea this would happen.

We got an e-mail from NMO, our ISP, informing us that we are a "power user"--that is, somebody who is online a lot more than average. According to them the national average is like 34 hours a month.

I'm online at least half the day. Probably longer. The truth is I'm too ashamed to try calculating how long I'm online every day because I KNOW it's away above average. But 34 hours per month? That's only about an HOUR a day. Who did they poll for this average? People with lives and families and jobs who work all day and can only access from there? Did they think of polling all the avoidant, housebound, jobless, friendless lonely people with no lives? How did THOSE people figure into the equation? I bet they didn't, else the average would be a HELL of a lot higher. Based on the actions I've seen of some people online, those people who are around ALL THE TIME, I can't be the only one like this. Power user? More like power sucker.

Remember my entry back when I ranted about the crap NMO gave us after we had to change our dialup number. Ma STILL has not contacted them to resolve the deal with my deleted e-mail account. I'm not sure if I mentioned it in there but ever since we've had all sorts of trouble dialing up and staying connected. First I could not connect and I contacted them and the guy there said it was an "issue with our username." He said to just put a "1" after it "for now" and it should work fine. So I did. The very next day I had the same trouble and called again, only to be told to just type in the password again. So I did. It worked then. There were numerous other problems but NMO finally owned up to them (sort of) on the homepage by saying they were working with the REAL culprit to try to fix it--they even offered a THIRD dialup number to switch to if this one didn't work! Fuck that! Like I'd go through THAT shit again...try to find the entry just to see the hoops they made me jump through...I think it's called something like "Maybe I Can Talk Now (Big-A** Violet Entry)." Oh, this entry should be in violet, I guess, but I'm too upset. Sorry.

But ever since then they've been doing this "timeout" thing--if I'm online like over a few hours at a stretch they kick me off, usually when I'm either in the middle of posting something or when I'm about to log off anyway. You saw in yesterday's entry, I think, how that made me feel. I was getting the distinct impression they'd reached an agreement with the phone company to try to jack up users' bills by making us make more calls. Last I knew, from the phone company we were allotted 400 CALLS or 400 HOURS a month. Ma disagrees but I know what I read.

Well, what did that power user e-mail we just got LAST NIGHT say? That people who use over 200 HOURS A MONTH might find their accounts not working, and when that happens to just PUT A 1 AFTER THE USERNAME to log on.

What in the FUCKING HELL is this? Put a 1 after it? That was what the asshole at NMO told me to do when I had an "issue with the username." He didn't tell me the "issue" involved our hours being used up. When we signed up with them NMO offered UNLIMITED HOURS. (Ma says it was unlimited calls, but I'm almost positive it was UNLIMITED HOURS. What's the point of unlimited CALLS when all those calls are going to be severely limited? Again--collusion with the phone company! And the phone company, remember, are the same guys who have yet to fix our lines so they aren't crossed with some OTHER woman's lines, even after about two YEARS!) The e-mail also said that because of their new software accounts were limited to 200 hours a month or something.

What they DID NOT say--but which I just KNOW is intended--is that with the addition of this "1" to our username, we created a secondary account. Two accounts equals--TWO BILLS. I just KNOW that when the billing date is due, we will get TWO BILLS from NMO. All this because some ASSHOLE working there told me there was "an issue with the username" and told me to "put a 1 after it for now" and it would be okay!

HE NEVER FUCKING SAID OUR HOURS WERE UP!

Why, WEEKS later, do they FINALLY decide to tell us, "Oh yeah, we've severely cut your hours allotted, so pay up!"?

No, they did not say pay up, but like they would give us a FREE secondary account out of the kindness of their hearts? These are the bastards who are always suffering severe downtime and never award their users extra hours because of it. They are are the MORONS who told me it was SAFE TO DELETE MY E-MAIL ACCOUNT, leading me to believe I HAD to, and then conveniently DELETED THAT PART OF THE INSTRUCTIONS WITHOUT A WORD AFTER I COMPLAINED ABOUT IT!

You can see they have a history of not stating everything that needs to be said. Why not this time, too?

I'm online WAY more than 200 hours a month, just because of this FUCKING shyness. You know, before the Internet, I had ZERO contact with people outside this house. I would leave it once a week to go shopping, but you do not really interact with people when shopping. I'd ride my bike down the road once in a while but even that was lessening--I didn't bother doing it last year--because my bike is small, I can't afford a new one, I look like a moron riding it, and the stupid kids laugh at me whenever I ride by. Before the Internet, I practically lived in this house and nowhere else. I had no contact with anyone but my immediate family. Nobody was like me. Nobody would listen to my problems. Nobody knew what it was like. Nobody read my writing. Nobody. Nothing. Just ME.

When we first came online in January 2000, my first act was to print out all the info I could on certain things like Egyptian mythology because I honestly thought we weren't going to be online long. I felt Dad would make us get rid of it. That was before I discovered online communities, and...things have not been the same since.

Sure, I bitch about communities all the time, but places like writing sites and diary sites and such have been my ONLY means of contact with the outside world since then. I have actually found out I can talk to people. I can share my problems and they can share theirs. I can learn that I'm not the only one like this, even if I seem to be among the worst. I can read things that interest me, and people have ACTUALLY READ MY THINGS!! That was the biggest shock of all, the biggest difference in coming online. There are actually people out there who READ WHAT I SAY! For somebody who after graduating college in 1997 (even then I did not have any friends anymore) never had any outside contact for three years, do you know what that felt like? What it still feels like? No wonder the Net is like a drug to people like me--have you any idea how it feels to just be LISTENED TO after so long being alone?

For all the bitching I do about it, the Internet has been like a second chance for me. A way to communicate when everything else is just too impossible for me. I have gotten worse, because even online communication is hard for me now, outside my journal; but at least that lifeline is there. At least I know there are others who seem to care about me. Before the Internet, I did not know it was possible. I felt lost in my own shell and figured nobody out there could ever care about me or what I say. I felt that everything I thought, everything I felt, everything I wrote, was pure crap. Because nobody cared about it except me.

Then I went online and found out that there ARE other people out there, and they are willing to listen to me. I should have been more grateful...

...Because I don't know how long that will last now. If I'm right about the two accounts thing, and the 200 hours limit, then I'm not nearly as poorly off as most--I can just cut back my time. But it would be a SEVERE cutback based on how much I'm online now. I hate the thought of not being able to come on here when I NEED to and FEEL like it--because face it, whenever I have a worry or a problem, which is OFTEN, can I go to a family member or a friend? Hell no! One won't listen, and the other doesn't EXIST! That's why this "national average" pisses me off so supremely. National average, my ass. More like national average of people who work and function well socially and aren't the mental WRECKS I am. I really want them to go and poll all the users on avoidance and social phobia boards and such and see how much THEY are online on average, a month. Go ahead and find out! You will find a slew of "power users"!

And so now, every time I log on here, I'm going to feel extreme guilt at what "power" I'm "using." I just KNOW that bill will be DOUBLE when we get it. All because that ASSHOLE didn't see fit to tell me AHEAD of time that he was setting up a secondary account because I used up my allotted time. "Oh, it's an issue with your username." THANKS FOR CLARIFYING! Ma says not to worry until the invoice comes--but if you wait until everything falls through to worry, then things just get worse! Part of me is relieved that she's not blaming me, but if a double bill comes, then the blame WILL fall on me. If Dad finds out he will kill me, and there will BE no more Internet, period. (Forget logging on at the library--no way to get there! And forget going through the cable company--might as well just pay for a double bill, plus THEY are about as reliable as NMO and Ameritech!) Ma also confirmed that if we get a double bill she will not pay it--and because these idiots didn't see fit to tell me WEEKS ago about all this crap (they could have at least informed their users, when they were busy gushing about how "improved" their service would be following the dialup change (where's the improvement, BTW??), that their formerly UNLIMITED hours would now be STRICTLY LIMITED!)--even I agree that we should NOT be required to pay that bill because we were not fully informed of what they were doing when they set up the other account with the "1" in it. For all I knew and believed, it was temporary! It was when our old account STILL wouldn't work that I just stuck with it! The e-mail said such "1" accounts are "reset" at the end of each month--what the FUCK does that mean? Deletion? Gee, thanks for telling us. One day I will probably come to log on here and won't be able to log on at ALL. And will probably have to wait until the next month. Very nice.

Thanks, NMO.

Ma says that we'll just look into Juno if this turns out to be true. But Juno charges LONG-DISTANCE CHARGES. We don't even have a long-distance provider--it cost too damn much. She insists there's a local number we can call, but the only reason those providers are so cheap is because of all the ADDITIONAL charges they don't tell you about. I know we could not afford Juno. And our other local ISP, they are probably just as bad as NMO. I should have SEEN this coming. I should have KNOWN. I KNEW something bad would happen, but it always manages to surprise me anyway. Stupid asshole me, with no life, who spends too much time online. "Power user." Power-sucking no-life loser.

And so these are yet MORE wonderful reasons for me to hate myself and hate the stupid way I am. If I weren't so fucking SHY about everything I wouldn't even need to be online. I wouldn't need to be here, posting this and crying, because it bothers and worries me so much. I wouldn't be writing to people I don't even really know and who don't even really know me. I would have a REAL LIFE with real things to worry about and real things to feel proud of. I hate the way I am. I wish I knew what step it would take to just get over it all--even OTHER avoidant people keep telling me to just take some step--but even if there is such a step--and most people argue that there is--I'm still too chickenshit to take it. I have absolutely no courage, no faith in anything concerning me. I'm an invalid, plain and simple.

And now they've found yet another way to persecute me because of that. Thanks a lot, NMO.

I'm a whole lot better off than many others but I'm willing to bet most of those others don't go through the daily sheer agony of hating themselves and not trusting anybody and second-guessing everything they do and dwelling in bottomless loneliness...day in and day out...did you know that Manitou Island would not have even come about if I had not come online in the first place? Nor a lot of my other writing. I wrote it all because I finally knew for CERTAIN that SOMEBODY was listening. When I don't feel like anyone is listening, I just tend not to write nearly as much. It might have sucked away what little life and time I had, but the Net has actually increased my writing. As worthless as that is.

The thought of that freedom being limited or taken away from me fills me with such dread and anxiety...and every single moment I spend on here now just increases it. I'm trying to tell myself that, well, either way, that bill is coming, and how much time I spend online now won't change that. Ma was right when she said we just have to wait until the invoice comes. But I hate just sitting here until things get even worse. I hate just trying to be calm with the almost-positive knowledge that things will get even SHITTIER. I have yet to get any response to my jury selection thing and I've been growing avoidant of that, hoping it will just never come. I know that when it does come it will just shock me as if I'd had no knowledge of it! And I'll feel the anxiety as greatly as I did before--even more so. That's why I hate waiting to see what happens. It allows me to grow complacent in the hopes that NOTHING will happen. When I know by now that something ALWAYS happens. And usually makes things worse. A LOT worse.

And so I'm sorry that I broke my promise and posted yet another crappy entry. It's hard for me to feel positive though when every single moment I spend online has me hating myself even more. Every time I think it isn't possible for me to detest myself any further, something proves me wrong. Why should any of this surprise me.