06-24-03 @ 2:55 am EDT

Cover your eyes. It's a warning violet entry.

Ah, isn't this nice. I step into my inbox to find yet ANOTHER invitation to participate in a forum created for ANOTHER member's birthday/special day/whatever, just to make them feel noticed and loved. Neither the person who sent it nor the person it's meant for are people I'm in any sort of contact with. I know them by name, but not as people. So why I'm on the list of invitees or why they thought I might care is beyond me. Must be another mass-invite thing and somehow my name was tossed into the mix without much thought, as usual.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I used to care; every time I got an invite to a secret forum intended as a gift for another member's b-day, even if I knew that member only in passing, I'd be sure to step in and say happy birthday. The thing is, I find it odd that whenever MY birthday rolls around, ho-hum, there are never any secret forums or special invites for ME. I might get a happy birthday from somebody who for some reason noticed my name on the birthday list (and that did happen, oddly enough, on my site b-day this past May), and of course from the people who know me (they are exempt anyway since they WRITE to me on normal occasions), but nope, no special secret forum that somebody was busy inviting lots of other members to post in days before the big event. And so, I stopped caring, since obviously this thing only goes one way. You only get a special gift if you are a mega-popular member here, and since I fly below the radar for the most part now (partly because I wasn't noticed much in the first place!--it gets tiring asking for attention when 90% of people don't want to give it, and whenever I view somebody's story that has like 5-50 ratings and they are STILL begging for more reviews, I get pissed), I'm not included. I WAS really dumb to think there would be some reciprocation, way back when. These people don't know me, and I don't know them. SO, why should they care if I tell them happy birthday or you're special or whatever? They don't say it to me, so I won't say it to them. No give, no take.

I would not take it so personally if I didn't keep getting these stupid invites. HELLO! I'm not interested. I was, once, when I thought that maybe someday they would do something special for me. So okay, I'm selfish. Aren't we all? Since there's no secret forum awaiting my birthday or any special occasion or whatever (like it would get more than ten posts anyway), please stop inviting me to participate in others'. I do not see the point of making people who do not even know or care about me feel special. And I'm sure they would feel the exact same way. Otherwise I would have had such a gift by now, right?

On another, kinda related note...why a merit badge for erotica? I don't have any reason to believe this person has read or rated any of my erotica, and I know for certain they've never reviewed any. We haven't written to each other in ages, and from what I could tell they didn't care very much for my work. (I could be wrong but was too ashamed to read the reviews, honestly.) A lot of other badges were given by them around the same time that I got mine, so I have to wonder if it was given on accident or...well, I won't give my other thoughts. I just feel I don't deserve it because I don't think the items were read or appreciated. I hate to be suspicious of gifts, but I really don't see why I even got it. And I hate not knowing why I got something. It always makes me suspicious. :/

Well, that's the end of the violet entry; I'm glad it's at least shorter than usual, though that's probably because I'm still toiling away on my dream journal. About 90 entries through and still going; back to work now...*sigh*

Tar for now...