07-02-03 @ 11:40 am EDT

Something on another site has me cringing inside. I can't think of a better way to put it right now.

I also can't go into the specifics for obvious reasons. But let's just say there was lots of debate on various things, and lots of mud flung around. I, being the way I am, took a stand on my OWN opinion. It's very odd that every time I take a stand on my own opinion, I'm called a brainless sheep as if I'm incapable of forming opinions of my own. I don't THINK I come across as the stupid type. Naive, maybe, but not stupid. It always seems that the people calling me a sheep, at least, have sub-par writing skills, such as no understanding of basic spelling and punctuation.

I could tolerate all that if it were not for the two-faced people.

Every website seems to have them. They are not so frequent here, on Writing.com, as you are allowed only one account, but on other sites where multiple accounts run rampant you can never be too sure. I have only one account there, the primary reason being I'm afraid if I log out and register with a new account, I'll have trouble logging back in; the secondary reason being, why hog an account when they are limited to a certain number? I'm sure somebody else can use it more than me. The only thing I could think of to use a secondary account for would be to post my fiction, and nobody would read it, so I don't see the point of that. So I have only one. It hosts backups of this journal and Skew 2. I stay logged in permanently.

I won't lie. In the past, I have tried to maintain aliases. Not to stir up trouble, but to lurk unnoticed, and to voice my opinion without being attacked simply because I am "Tehuti." (It's happened...) People often judge me based on my name and their past experiences with me, even if I try for a fresh start, or to remain impartial. Not everyone is so openminded so yes, I have used aliases before. The thing is, I was almost always made out because unless I stick to very short sentences, and don't share my opinions period, I'm always recognized. My style is that obvious. The only times I have NOT been made out are when I pretty much keep my mouth shut...so that kind of negates the use of an alias.

Not everyone is so courteous to others, however.

I recently encountered an alias who I took at their word on our first meeting. They were abrasive, but I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. I even offered help. Shortly afterward I found out they were laughing at me behind my back. That would not have been so bad, as I figured out they were an asshole all along and have a grudge against just about everybody, and I am at least in good company among others they have insulted. What bugs me is that they and their friends seem to insist I have taken some sort of side against them, when in fact, how could I have done that? I don't even KNOW anybody on that site. I'm not friends with anybody. A few people I post to more than others, but for the most part they have nothing to do with the whole thing, and I really do not know them the way I know people on other sites. So this whole argument of me taking some sort of side to harass certain people is just ludicrous. Sheesh, it seems EVERY time I actually make up my OWN mind I am either called a sheep or am accused of taking someone else's side. I fail to see why people can't understand that I make up my OWN mind. I don't follow the crowd like a good sheep, just because I prefer to lurk below the radar. I don't let majority opinion sway me when I have my own opinion. If I happen to agree with everyone else against somebody, it's because *I* had my OWN reasons to do so. In this case, this person was an asshole toward me, so THAT was why I "turned against" them. Even if in this case "turning against" only meant telling them to buzz off, and then ignoring them.

They insisted I was obsessed with them and harassing them bla bla bla, no idea where they got that junk, since they were obviously the one harassing me. Doesn't matter. I know Small People when I see them by now. Very yappy, like teeny dogs with inferiority complexes. I was even accused of being some sort of lesbian in love with this person...I saw their picture and believe me, even if I was lesbian there's no way I'd go after them. And women do nothing for me anyway. Long story short, I know the entire "argument" of Small People--turn the attack on others since they have no argument of their own. I've seen it a million times, so it hardly bothers me anymore. In the end, the important people know who is right and who is wrong, and Small People are not important people.

What DOES bother me is someone else involved. I have absolutely no clear reading on this person. When I first "met" (encountered) them, I did not like them; then I did kind of like them; then not, then did. I just can't get a clear fix. We shared a mutual comment now and then so I decided they were not so bad, even if we did not always agree. The thing is...along with the Small Person who accused me of having aliases was another person I've never had any encounters with whatsoever, so I have no clue why they'd fixate on me and lump me in with the "bad people." They have the same username as somebody on another site...and that somebody on another site has the same writing style and age and such as the first person I mentioned in this paragraph. THIS is what bothers me...that this person I finally decided was not so bad could in fact be one of those very same Two-Faced People I was talking about. Being nice to me on the one hand, and a total shitwad on the other. Accusing me of something they would have no actual way of knowing, for no obvious purpose whatsoever. Because honestly, the only person who seems to have a reason, no matter how stupid, to be mad at me is the Small Person I mentioned. This second person, I have no clue what I could have done to offend them short of being at odds with their Small Person friend.

I might not be happy when I like somebody who is friends with somebody who is a total asshole to me--because in my mind, how can you really be my friend if you like somebody who treats me like shit?--but in this case, where I hardly know anybody except in passing, I was willing to let it pass. We can't all be perfect; we can't all agree. I have nothing against said friends of the Small Person unless THEY come after me too.

But IS this person coming after me? Under a second face?

This is what bothers me. It brings back memories of C. I am over him--have been, for a long time--but I remember how badly that hurt, and the wounds can always reopen. They're starting to break the skin right now as I sit and wonder. WHAT is the point of wearing two faces, anyway? Being friendly to somebody under one, and laughing at them behind the other? I understand this behavior when it comes to sociopaths like C. and the Small Person. With other people, it just doesn't seem so clear. That's when it begins to wound me and niggle at my mind and wear on me, making me wonder constantly, what the hell did *I* ever do to piss this person off? Despite voicing my OWN opinions and usually having to take shit for it, I try to be a good person and keep to myself. I stand up only if someone or myself is being attacked. I always try to believe in the best in people--and yes, I even did that with the Small Person, for a short time, until I saw how they laughed. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt--perhaps too much. (Well, I've trusted people and been screwed over so many damn times, I've long wondered if I shouldn't just hole up and quit trusting people completely! It gets tiresome being made a laughing stock just because I tried to be nice.)

That's what I don't get. What is the joy in that, the fun? The pleasure? What joy do some people get out of accepting the kindness of others, then laughing at it? Like I said, I understand this behavior with sociopaths. But either there are a hell of a lot more sociopaths online than in the real world, or there is just something about the online medium that makes people think that wearing two faces is fun. And I do not understand that.

Maybe it's my trusting nature that makes it impossible for me to comprehend? I could never bear the thought of wearing a kind face, while laughing at someone's expense when all they have had for me is kindness. I would die of shame if I were to do something like that. How can others find this AMUSING?

Yah, yah, bla, it's online, get over it; why trust somebody online? Are you stupid? Well, like I said...I like to believe in the best in people. With the Small Person, it was just another little "shame on me" situation I will get over. But with this other person, and who knows how many others, it agonizes me. What did I do? Why, when I tried to be kind, did you smile to my face, then laugh behind your hand? What joy did you get out of that and why? Why me? What made you target me of all people? Is my pain even now amusing you?

If my suspicions are right, then this person will not even care even if they do read this entry and recognize themselves, which they probably will not. They will laugh all the harder that they have succeeded in making me doubt myself. At least I'm guessing they will, because there has to be SOME sick payoff for them. If my suspicions are wrong...well, I have no idea what, then. Because I haven't considered that possibility. I've hoped for it, but experience has always shown me to be right when I distrust people.

I feel wounded now, and not because of the Small Person. Because of somebody I hardly even know, but who seemed friendly enough. That's the part that hurts the most. I thought they were friendly. Even now, I can't be completely sure. I'm too afraid to ask them straight out and find out for certain.

Plus, I know everyone around me would just say, "Why do you even care?"

I DO care. When I do my damned best to be kind to others, and get laughed at in return, in real life or even on the monitor--I care. Wouldn't you? You might say you wouldn't, but I bet if it happened to you...you too would feel that niggling little beginning of doubt.

When all is said and done, though, the question is...am I a good person for believing in the best in people, until they should prove me wrong? Or just a fool? Should I give up and write everybody off as assholes before I end up hurting and in doubt yet again?

I will probably take shit for this entry too. It seems I am always taking shit for giving a damn about how others feel. Does caring about the feelings of others make me stupid, too? Because nowadays, genuine compassion seems to be a very rare thing in the online world, and you are always called a fool for caring.


[not proofread]