07-16-03 @ 3:12 am EDT

Crap. I didn't mean to doze until 1:30. I even got to sleep in yesterday. No matter how much I sleep, I always seem to crash around the same time every night. :(

Anyway...I wanted to try to vent a bit about what is bothering me. Prejudice. Namely, hatred or a feeling of superiority over large groups of people simply based on what they look like, where they come from, whatever it is that puts them into a group. I'm by no means a minority unless you count such things as "shy people" as being minorities. I know from experience though that "shy people" ARE greatly maligned by the majority of others--face it, this is an extroverted society. We are treated as if it's just something we do for fun, or for attention, and that we can "get over it" if we want to. Extreme fear of others can be traced to brain chemicals, the same as depression and schizophrenia, but it's still treated differently. At least with major disorders like depression and schizophrenia they are recognized and more easily treated so their sufferers can function properly. If you are "just shy," however, it's treated as nowhere near as bad and as something that YOU have to just deal with on your own. Really, if I had schizophrenia, I'd have way greater chances of getting disability or something than the chances I have now, just "being shy."

I was never physically threatened, but all throughout school I was bullied and even called a snob and uppity because I was so painfully afraid of people that I could not even speak up for myself or make eye contact. For some reason people assume that if you don't meet their eyes or say hello that you think you're better than they are. Don't they ever notice how you stare at the ground instead, never lifting your head, always slumped forward, as well as the lines of worry etched permanently into your face? Don't they notice how you always sit by yourself, huddled in to make yourself as small as possible, and how whenever there is a group project you grimace to yourself and are the last one to pair up with anybody, and then only because somebody else had to take pity on you? Don't they notice how you always walk home alone or sit by yourself on the bus (or dread sitting by somebody else if the seats are all full), how you can never ask them for help when you need it, how you cry when you hope nobody is looking? How can they possibly mistake all of THAT for snobbery?

It's a case of people not WANTING to look any deeper because they have this prejudiced mindset, possibly coached to them by countless others. Lately, with French-bashing still going at full speed, I've even taken this personally. No, I'm not French. I've never been to France. I can hardly speak a word of it, and what words I can are the ones everybody else knows. But I admire the French for what they did in my part of the world: My hometown, and most of those cities around me, probably would not even be here if it weren't for them. The French explored what I consider one of the most beautiful areas of the world, the Great Lakes. They befriended those people I write and read about so often, the Ojibwa Indians. And I have to wonder if Mackinac Island would be the beautiful spot it is today if it were not for their exploration efforts. My favorite place in the world, Mackinac Island. How can I not take it personally when people attack the French?

Plus an online friend of mine, and my family through my great-grandmother's side, are French-Canadian. So yes, I take it personally now. I'm part French. So when people say they hate the French, they are also saying they hate me.

It hurts as much as when people proved, not so much by words as through actions, that they hated me because I'm shy. Shyness, and being part French: two things I have no control over.

These people, in effect, have told me, "I hate you. I don't even know you, and haven't taken the chance to get to know you, but I will never take that chance to get to know you because I already hate you. So there."

That's what hurts the most about prejudice. Not the hate crimes, as awful as they are and with as much attention as they get. Not the namecalling, no matter how hurtful it might be. What hurts most is how very many people bigots shut out of their lives, simply by matter of generalization, before they even get to know them. Before you so much as say, "Hi" to somebody and find out they may in fact be an intelligent, friendly, compassionate, imaginative, funny, insightful person, you've locked them out of your life and experience forever just because...they're shy. Or black. Or French. Or part French, or white, or Jewish, or gay, or female, or of a certain age, or southerner, or whatever.

So what if all your experiences with a particular group of people have been bad. Can you really sit there and say with honesty that ALL such people, or even most, in that group are the same way? If you can, then you are either the world's most experienced traveler, or else you're God. Let me tell you something that opened my eyes a bit.

When I was in school, as I told you, I was constantly teased because of my shyness, my paleness, my posture and everything. One such bully was a boy named Brian H., another was a boy named Josh H., and a third was a boy named Adam L. Somehow, we all ended up in a junior high support group together, along with some other troubled students. By now I can't remember most of what was talked about in there, and even if I did, I could not tell you here because we were bound by secrecy, the same as with any other psychological practice. To put a long story short, I was stuck in a support group with three of the biggest bullies I knew! Three people who I could not stand, because they'd been so cruel to me, and I'm sure they could not stand me, either. After all, they'd said so.

Fast-forward to the end of the support group meetings.

Brian H. and I never became friends, but he no longer teased me. In fact, he could be a funny guy, when he wanted to. We were not close but were on friendly terms from there on out.

Josh H. never changed. He continued to tease and call me names and act in a spiteful manner until he moved away not long after.

And Adam L.? Again, we did not really become friends, but he was the biggest change of them all. He was always friendly and cheerful toward me after that. He was always joking WITH me, not AT me! The same guy who I had met when we were viciously fighting over him kicking my seat and laughing at my expense, turned out to be the same guy who gave me a goofy picture of himself for our graduation, and I always had to laugh at the silly things he said. He was a great guy, after all, despite the bumpy start.

I never would have learned these things about these guys, and they never would have learned what *I* was really like, without that group to help us to get to know each other. It's true that Josh never changed; some things never do. Some people really ARE jerks. But two out of those three turned out decent, and I never would have known if I hadn't gotten to know them. The same holds for them, getting to know me.

I realize that I myself fall victim to the prejudiced mindset in that I tend to shut out prejudiced people themselves. I try to be civil toward them, if they are civil in their own comments (if they're being total jackasses, then civility goes out the window; who wouldn't want to start spewing invective when faced with invective?); but I cannot really accept them as friends. It's just that it would be like me, being a particular race, befriending somebody who hates everyone of my race. Sure, they may be friendly toward ME, but all I would be able to think would be, "Do they really like me, or are they mocking me behind my back? How can they really like me if they say they hate all of my kind? What makes ME the exception? I am not an exceptional person in any sense, so I cannot be the only one like me. Hence this person is lying, one way or the other. I can't be friends with somebody who can't be truthful with me about that." Unless you are the most liberal, openminded person in the world, with NO self-confidence or anxiety problems whatsoever (and I congratulate you if you are, though you'd probably be way too rational and unemotional for me), how much would YOU like befriending and hanging out with somebody who by their very own comments must hate you?

Sure, said prejudiced people can always claim that it is only a small part of the individual they cannot stand; the individual him/herself is a good person. "I don't like that you're gay/Jewish/black/shy/whatever, but I like you as a person, and isn't that good enough?" Well, for some people it might be; but again, for some of us, matters like our race, our religion, our orientation or our mental states, are such a big and important part of who we are, that to be told that WE are a good person, well, we WOULD be a great person if it weren't for that ONE little defect of our character...it's just insulting, and hurtful. "Hey Tehuti, I really like you! Yeah, there's that French thing...too bad about that...but do you wanna chat sometime?" Um...thanks, but no. BTW you're a great person and all but there's that FRANCOPHOBE thing, y'know...? Sorry, maybe I'll see you around sometime. Or not.

That's just the way it feels to some people. And I know I am not the only one, else prejudice would not be such a big problem for so many people. If it were so easy for us to separate the different parts of ourselves from our emotions and from our total being, it would be perfectly easy for every Jewish person to be friends with anti-Semites, for gays to be friends with homophobes, for blacks to be friends with the KKK and such, because we would be able to overlook significant parts of each other and to focus only on the parts we do like.

But the majority of people are not like that. Even those who claim to be. You can only take so many niggling little comments from a friend before you burst out in anger and decide you can't be friends anymore, if you ever were. Think of closet gays, for example, and how painful it must be for them to force smiles and joke around with those who make "fag" and "homo" jokes in their presence...now think of what that would be like if it were a part of your makeup or personality that is already known to your friends. These people KNOW you are gay/French/black/whatever, and still make the comments...and expect you to brush them off just because that is such a small part of who you are...? For you to consider these things only a small, insignificant part of yourself and to not take any offense? In a perfect world, maybe. This is not a perfect world by any means.

If it were, I would just tell myself to shut up and get over all the stinging already, because I'm never going to change said people's minds. Even this entry itself will serve no purpose but to put my own mind at ease, temporarily. I would very much like to be able to separate the different little parts of myself, so I could not take it so damn personally when somebody who is otherwise seemingly a nice person says something snide about blacks or the French or shy people or whatever (I'm not black or gay etc., but I vicariously feel the sting when I hear any groups being generalized as bad). I'd like very much to be as openminded as I think others should be, to write off the little parts of people that I don't like--their bigotry--and to focus instead on the parts I do like and find interesting and thoughtful. (Because really, there ARE some otherwise friendly and intelligent bigots out there.)

But I'm a flawed human, the same as we all are, and I just can't separate people into tiny little compartments. Unless it's a flaw that in my mind is minor enough to be overwritten by the person's virtues, it will always stand out like a huge sore thumb, poking me in the eye whenever I try to hold a civil conversation. You can't be civil when somebody is poking you in the eye every chance they get, whether they mean to or not. You just start to get the feeling that, hey, they KNOW my eye is there, why aren't they being more careful? They didn't care when they generalized my group of people as bad, so they never will care. I can't be friends with somebody who preaches hatred or intolerance, no matter how polite they may be about it. If anything, polite, thoughtful intolerance is way worse because it's all that much harder to let the person know you can't stand being around them because of what they believe. I've always hated hurting ANYONE'S feelings, even bigots'. Because even bigots are people, and likely have their own reasons for being the way they are, the same way as I have mine.

I won't flaw people for being intolerant, as that's just what they chose to be, but I can certainly flaw people who step up with a smiling face and trash one part of my being while being friendly to the part they like. I'm not so easily broken down like that. I'm not Tehuti, compartmentalized into Box A: White person; Box B: Shy person; Box C: Partly French; Box D: Partly German; Box E: A writer; Box F: A Libra; Box G: A short person; Box H: An overweight person; Box I: A female; Box J: A self-injurer; Box K: A heterosexual; Box L: Brunette; Box M: Pale skinned; Box N: Obsessive-compulsive etc. etc. into infinity. I'm just one person, Tehuti-who-is-white-shy-partly-french-partly-german-a-writer-a-libra-a-short-person-an-overweight-person-a-female-a-self-injurer-a-heterosexual-brunette-pale-skinned-obsessive-compulsive-etc.-etc.-etc. It's not a bunch of easily separated boxes. It's all one big mess of person. Kudos to the people who can keep all the parts of themselves separate, for they (while being way too rational for my tastes) are the REAL openminded people, but I'm not one of them. And neither are a lot of other people. If you accept one part of me, you'll have to accept at least MOST of the rest if you want to consider me a friend. The same way as I will have to accept at least most of you to consider you a friend. There will ALWAYS be small parts of people that I can't stand, and things about me that others can't stand, but I like to think that in relation to the whole, they're outweighed, whereas in cases like this--"You are shy and I hate that. You are part French and I hate that"--they're not. Those are big, important parts of me, and I can't just shrug them off as insignificant.

My main problem at this point in time is that no, I don't really have any way I can clarify what makes a part of somebody very important, what makes it stand out so much that I cannot overlook it and can't be their friend, as opposed to what makes it smaller and less significant, and makes it possible for me to overlook this flaw and befriend them. I wish I could tell you what this difference is because it would make this entire entry make SO much more sense, and would make me look at least a little less hypocritical. But I don't know what that difference is; it's just something, I guess, that works on a case-by-case basis. My dad is bigoted and I HATE that part of him. But...he's my dad, and I have to love him anyway. In that case, familial closeness is what overrides the bad part (even though I hate that bad part and wish it were not there, because it shames and hurts me). My mom has this weird thing about gays (she doesn't HATE them, but relies an awful lot on stereotypes and thinks they're "weird"), and that's especially hurtful considering all the yaoi writing I do, writing I could never tell her about even IF she knew I wrote erotica because God knows what she'd think if she knew I wrote male/male sex scenes!! But she's my mother, and I have to deal with her on a daily basis, so again, family outweighs her prejudice. Some people I know have different politics from mine, but as we never talk about politics when we talk, I can overlook that difference, and they apparently can too, because other things outweigh it.

My own personal prejudice (and yes...I'm ashamed to admit I do have at least one) is against the Church of Scientology; I don't think I've ever really communicated with any Scientologists, but I HAVE heard about some people who happen to BE Scientologists, in a non-Scientology atmosphere, and they seem like wonderful people aside from believing in that thing...I can overlook what I consider to be devotion to a money-cult, if they happen to be good people who don't shove the "religion" down your throat. Etc.; I hope this at least illustrates a little what I mean. (And apologies if I offended any Scientologists with this; it's the church I have problems with, not the followers, even though I realize my comments could still come across as hurtful. You see? I hate having a prejudice, even if I do feel it's warranted. Makes me look like an ass especially after all the "pro-tolerance" stuff I've been spouting here. *sigh*)

What's the difference between myself and the people I wrote this entry about, though? Well...even if I despise Scientology...would I so willingly write off every Scientologist as a bad person I would never want to associate with? No, I wouldn't. Because I know I'd be writing off a hell of a lot of people who could probably make good friends. It's not LIKELY, considering how they probably consider their faith to be such a big part of their lives; how could they rightly want me as a friend when I hold such a big prejudice against them? You see, I can't go by some double standard here; if they can't be friends with me because I can't accept that part of them, then I graciously understand because I would be the same way. But at least we did not write each other off from the very start as bad people just because of this difference. We're not bad people, we're just...people who are too different. People who do not fully understand each other, and might never be able to, but at least we accepted that and moved on without tossing barbs and saying we hate each other because of who we are.

I'm still trying to think of the difference here, because I AM kind of giving a double message in this entry. Why I can overlook and live with some prejudices, and not with others. Maybe it has to do with how deeply said prejudices affect me, personally; as I'm not a Scientologist, that doesn't affect me as much as somebody hating shy people, or the French, does. On the other hand, I'm sure that my distrust of Scientology WOULD matter a lot more to some Scientologists! So you see, I'm nowhere near perfect, nowhere near what I'm talking about in this entry. I hate that, but...I can't see a way around it.

Maybe the difference is that I just don't wish to go around stating to everybody else what I hate and distrust, why I'm right, and why they should hate too. I try to keep it to myself, or at least to my own space (journal). I don't preach it or say why I think I'm right unless somebody should ask me first, thus inviting an answer. I bet most people with "smaller" prejudices (unable to define "smaller," sorry) are the same way--they keep it to themselves unless it should become a problem or an issue with another person. And so those such people don't really bother me. Out of sight, out of mind.

The people who do make it a public issue whenever they can, they are the ones who prompted the discomfort I felt yesterday, and continue to feel today. I hate it when there is somebody who is decent in one respect, but whose beliefs I cannot tolerate in another respect. It makes me feel very conflicted and confused. I hate it when I feel like that, and when I don't know how to handle it tactfully, short of posting a WAY TOO LONG entry which is so rambling it's probably either offended everybody reading it, or else entirely missed the point. O_o

Well...my ISP just disconnected me for no particular reason other than that it happened to be 2:30 AM, and I think I've beaten this nearly dead horse long enough; long long entry short, I will not be changing anybody's mind here, and they will not change mine, but maybe (I can hope?) they will at least think about it, the way I've been thinking. (You can tell I've been thinking because I HAVEN'T SHUT UP YET!! >_< )

One last favor to ask. I kept all this entry to my own journal, so I ask that anybody who may disagree please do the same, and not leave/send notes countering everything I've said here. I don't mind people saying they don't agree, but I REALLY don't want to see a page full of refutations and demands to back up my claims. I may counter a point made in someone else's journal now and then in the hopes of further understanding where they're coming from, but I try to avoid full-fledged debate; if it turns out we don't agree, I just go on my way. Posting this entry is not an invitation for debate, it's just me putting my thoughts in my journal, the way anyone else is free to do in THEIR journals. I will never ask for the last word, but I do ask for the last word in my own journal. That's all.

Tar until later, when I hope I have something FLUFFY to write about...I need fluff, after THIS entry. o_o