07-07-03 @ 7:25 pm EDT

I dunno why I chose that title entry, it just popped into my head. The Three Intellectual Latinos, in case you didn't know (and you probably didn't), were characters I THINK my brother and his friends created. They would make goofy videotapes and one that my brother told me about started out like this:

Guy 1: "I am Paco."

Camera shows guy running through the woods Voiceover: "It is Paco."

Guy 2: "I am Mani."

Camera shows guy running through the woods Voiceover: "It is Mani."

Guy 3: "I am The Indian."

Camera shows guy running through the woods Voiceover: "It is The Indian. Together they are..."

Guys: "The Three Intellectual Latinos."

I don't know, for some reason I found the telling incredibly funny...wish I could've seen the tape. I DID see his rendition of "Conan The Barbiturate," one video where he popped around the corner and yelled, "I'm going to throw the book at you!!" and commenced hurling a big-ass book at the cameraman, and another one, a parody of Lethal Weapon, where he was in my mom's car pretending to drive really fast, then the camera panned back to show the car just sitting stationary in a driveway (my brother's explanation: "The moron wasn't supposed to pan back like that"), etc. He told me later on they'd recorded over those videos...*sigh* Too bad.

Anyway. Did I even have an entry to write about after all that? o.o I can't think of one. Just more babbling about writing or something and for some reason I feel nobody would want to be subjected to that right now. Sad, when you'd rather not subject people to your own entries in your own journal. I guess I just feel I've gone over everything so many times that people would be bored with anything I type. No, I'm not whining about a lack of reads or anything; I've had plenty of those lately. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed. I've been crying and snapping a lot lately (I went ballistic this morning when after a few searches I couldn't locate a tape--not that that's anything new--then again when a website which had just been working refused to work right when I was posting--not that that's new either) so I think I'll probably be starting soon.

Even worse than the overreacting snap emotional reactions are the little depressive episodes which have no real purpose. I feel sad and wanting right now, and guilty, but I'm not sure exactly why. I hate that feeling; feelings should always have a cause, or an explanation, even if it's a silly one. I've found that often if I feel anxious after logging off, if I can just identify what's causing it (usually the fear that I've offended someone I don't even know), that helps lessen it a bit. What do you do when you don't know WHAT is causing the feeling?

Maybe it's the fact that I just don't feel like I can open up and blather that is making me feel sad? Nobody is stopping me from yapping. Maybe I just feel tired of blathering when it's stuff that 99% of people really can't empathize with, and they can't be blamed. Again, I'm not whining about lack of readers because stats tell me they are there. I've been getting R&R's from someone who has shown dedication in getting the job done; I got a query about the Chronicles in my e-mail the other day (though I'm not sure if, after I explained to this person what the Chronicles are, they will still be interested in reading them) from someone who stated they have been a fan for a few years; I got that e-mail telling about the link to my MI site. Every time I log on here there are at least a few hits to my journal entries. So I have nothing, really, on that front to complain about. But something just feels wrong.

I feel like letting a character speak or something, but I'm covering up their mouth and shutting them up and I'm not even sure which character they are. Maybe it's a different person every day.

Maybe I'm just afraid of looking like an obsessed idiot yet again. I should be letting real people talk, not posting imaginary conversations with imaginary people. I can't even say nobody cares about my characters but me, as recently I got two comments on my "Damien" entry where other people stated he sounded like a good person and that they liked him, too. I couldn't believe those notes when I first read them, they came as such a shock after what happened back when I posted Lucifer at Free Open Diary. That was years ago, granted...but it still hurts like it was yesterday. I've never really had faith in the series after that. After logging on every day to find more and more notes about how unlikable Damien was, and how crappy the story was, I found it hard to believe that somebody besides myself liked him. A fictional character, remember.

I'm going to shut myself up about that now, so maybe I was right; I don't want to blather about something that's been done ad nauseam for the fear that anybody looking at this will see it and wander off out of boredom. Hits to an entry don't guarantee somebody read the entire thing, I suppose; there was one journal I used to read a lot, but after all the entries started becoming about the same person, I stopped reading out of boredom and annoyance. I even lowered my rating by one star, down to four. Once in a while I click on an entry and see it hasn't changed, so wander off again. I often wonder if I should just remove it from my favorites since it obviously isn't, anymore. Have I done the same thing to anybody else? Inspired such boredom? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to; if I HAVE bored you off, then I'll just assume that's why you don't read and you don't have to verify my suspicions. I don't know why I even asked that; I think it was rhetorical. I'm not making much sense now, am I.

The other day a diary entry popped into my head. But it wasn't my diary entry. It was Chrissie's entry and she was talking about her brother leaving home to join the police force after a huge falling out with their father. He did not want to become a physician like his father was. As she wrote I realized she somehow "knew" what had happened to him, even if not exactly what. I always knew she knew, on some level, but not that much. The entry mainly consisted of her wishing him luck and wondering if this was his way of coping with what had happened to him. Why didn't I know she knew so much, before? Why did that even pop into my head?

None of this was even typed up, and even though I was tempted, I'm not going to. Not right now. Because it's probably boring and I am the only one who really even knows what I'm talking about. I didn't include Chrissie's last name, as a sort of test to see if anyone else even realized who this brother is that I mentioned, and why I would be interested in him. *shrug* It was a thought, albeit a lame one.

Family's here. Tar...