07-09-03 @ 10:01 am EDT

Well, I asked after Grandma this morning, to try to figure out what exactly is going on. From the sound of it she is currently staying with George (her boyfriend) and is seeking an apartment in town. I've heard nothing of plans for her to try to return to her own house. To quote Ma, "Her house is a DUMP."

I let Ma know that if something happened again, and nobody else did anything, I myself would call the police on Grandma's behalf. She started to get an annoyed look on her face and said that I could not call the police unless something happened. I replied that Grandma being "tossed around" (to use her own words from yesterday) definitely counted as "something." I further said that even if the police couldn't do anything, at least they would be looking into it and maybe that would be the nudge Grandma needs. Ma didn't object, so I'm hoping she understood what I meant. I don't want to cause our family trouble, but some things are more important than that. I just hope it never comes to that point.

I brought up some of my concerns; I don't know if Grandma can afford an apartment, but I hope she can. I let Ma know of the odds of her returning home and accepting Rocky back (not that she ever kicked him out). I also pointed out how, now that she's not there to take care of him or to pay the utilities, he might get angry when he finds out he's left on his own, and could come looking for her. So she will have to keep her eyes open at every moment. He never struck me as the psycho type, but who can ever really tell. If I were to wake up one day and find I had no visible means of support left, I might do something crazy, too.

I may be a leech, but at least I can make my own food, I don't do drugs or get drunk, and I never beat up my own parents.

Ma stated how she thought something was hinky the last time she visited Grandma, because Rocky was always "hovering," so Grandma could not talk to her without him hearing; and whenever Rocky left the room, Grandma would try to whisper something to her, but Ma could not hear her properly. I truly hope her moving out is her way of putting her foot down for good. She's always been a lonely person, and I understand her reluctance of letting her son go and living on her own. But I really hope she can do it. I cried my eyes out yesterday for somebody else. I don't often cry for people other than myself. That's how worried I was. Maybe it was just guilt over me not being able to do anything, but I hope at least a little of it was genuine concern for her. I hope she can be strong enough to look out for herself, or at least to call for help when she needs it. I also hope that I can be strong enough to live up to my end of the bargain. If I hear of another thing happening to her, I want to pick up the phone and call the police on it. Even if they can't do anything, it's a start.

I just hope Ma would remember to tell me if something happens. I guess I'll have to ask after Grandma every so often just to make sure. Ma sometimes tends to let things slip if she doesn't want to face them. I can't say if she does it purposefully or not, but it happens. I would try not to be angry with her about it, but I really want to know.

The thing I hate the most about all of this is that even if I really DID have the courage to get up and do something about this, I really don't think it would help at this point. From the sound of it she's not in any physical trouble at the moment. That could change (cross fingers), but she sounds okay. At least Ma hasn't mentioned her being injured or anything. If I were to call the police right now, all they could do is interview her, and leave emptyhanded. Ma is right on one point. They can't do anything if nothing has happened. And although something HAS happened, it just isn't enough yet. I hate to add the word "yet" because it implies I want something more to happen when I don't. The thing is that, with domestic violence, usually something really bad has to happen BEFORE action can be taken. That's a shame and a disgrace, but that's the way it is. The police need evidence in order to work. I hate the thought of just sitting here waiting for Grandma to get hurt but it's the only thing I can do right now. Calling the police over something which is already over and done with won't help.

There's a part of me rebelling against this; as long as the police don't know, then it's still a "secret," and Grandma is still living with it on her own, without help. I feel like I'm helping to cover something up and I HATE that feeling. :( But what could I do other than announce it to the world? And embarrass everybody? And possibly set Rocky off even worse? Is it better to just lie in waiting for now? The logical part of me is trying to say yes, but I can't be sure it isn't just reluctance and laziness speaking instead. God knows reluctance and laziness have been very outspoken all my life, and will continue to be so.

But aside from getting the authorities' attention, when they can't yet do anything, and pissing off the family, I can't think of a plus side to contacting the police right now. So I have to just sit here and wait and try to keep my ears open, and hope that if something else DOES happen, it isn't even worse, and that I can hold to what I said I'd do and make that call if need be. I really do think that's the most I can do about the whole thing.

But it just doesn't feel like nearly enough.

And I've always HATED just sitting here and waiting for the worst to happen.

You better love loving and you better behave
You better love loving and you better behave
Woman in chains
Woman in chains

Calls her man the great white hope
Says she's fine, she'll always cope
Woman in chains
Woman in chains

Well I feel
Lying and waiting is a poor man's deal
(A poor man's deal)
And I feel
Hopelessly weighed down by your eyes of steel
(Your eyes of steel)
Well it's a world gone crazy keeps
Woman in chains

Woman in chains
Woman in chains

Trades her soul as skin and bones
(You better love loving and you better behave)
Sells the only thing she owns
Woman in chains
(The sun and the moon)
Woman in chains

Men of stone
Men of stone

Well I feel
Deep in your heart there are wounds time can't heal
(That time can't heal)
And I feel
Somebody somewhere is trying to breathe
Well you know what I mean
It's a world gone crazy keeps
Woman in chains

It's under my skin
But out of my hands
I'll tear it apart
But I won't understand
I will not accept
The greatness of man

It's a world gone crazy keeps
Woman in chains
(Gone crazy keeps
Woman in chains)

So free her
So free her

(The sun and the moon
The wind and the rain...)