07-24-03 @ 7:54 am EDT

I found the journal of E., the person from the old Four Board who for some reason decided she hated me. Remember that her posts were similar to mine--offtopic--except that she was flowery in her language, and supposedly "deep," whereas I was not. My posts were reviled and I was told repeatedly to stop posting them, including by her. Meanwhile even her offtopic posts were "on topic" because her posting style supposedly indicated that she belonged on that message board. I'll spare you all the other details since they've been gone over before.

Anyway, I read through her entries. Her journal doesn't go back nearly as far as the incident on the board, which is probably for the best. I saw no mention whatsoever of anything concerning me, which is also probably for the best, because truthfully, I have no idea what I would have done or felt had I seen mention of me. On the other hand, a sick little part of me is disappointed, because that means what happened back in 2000, while having a huge effect on me (a very negative effect), appears to have affected ONLY me. Oh, she made a show a few times of saying she was upset by how she'd treated me, but a subsequent posting pretty much negated that. She was very contradictory, as if she was trying to elicit responses from me. I just ended up leaving.

Like I was saying though I looked through her entries, trying to see what exactly it was about her that made her so beloved there, and that made me so badly reviled that my very username came to mean "hysteria."

I found lots of short, "shallow" (not using it in a negative way, just meaning not very deep) entries, and several longer ones. Not very many of them at all got very flowery or deep. There were a few friends only entries, so perhaps those were deep; I can't say. The few times she got deep seemed to be when she was upset about something, or when she was talking about a matter which interested/concerned her very much. A lot like I tend to do.

She cares about animals and is upset when they die. Like me.

She's anxious a lot of the time. Like me.

She likes watching some of the programs I do.

She shares some of the interests I do.

She posts often, like I do.

She seems to worry about her physical appearance, like I do.

There were some other similarities between us, and of course, the differences. She has a job or else is always looking for one, has a boyfriend, does volunteer work, and seems motivated. I cannot claim any of those things, but then again, there are other things I can claim about myself that she can't. I write novels and novellas and serials, study mythology, go indepth on my dreams. I didn't see mention of any of that (except a few short dream posts) in her journal, so I take it she does not do these things.

I checked out her website also and there wasn't much there of note. One semi-deep essay, and other things of interest only to her and her friends; nothing flowery or literate.

(Anyone reading this can likewise claim that nothing on my websites is flowery or literate. I'll agree with you. One of the very reasons I was not liked on that board was because I was not flowery or literate, apparently, and that meant I did not belong there. What's confusing me is if she is so flowery and literate, why isn't it manifesting itself in her personal journal or on her website? Was she just faking being that way?)

Anyway, to put it short, I looked all through her journal and I found...absolutely nothing that sets us distinctly apart as two wildly different posters. Sure, I tend to post MUCH longer, whinier entries, and I'm certain I did that on the board and that made people hate me. But there were times when I was happy, and cheerful, and ontopic; and there were times when I tried to change my style to suit theirs; and neither helped. Even when I went back under an alias and posted virtually nothing, E. sniped at me and managed to jab me in the ribs with her snideness. Months away hadn't changed any attitudes toward me. I left again, because by then I really saw no point to staying when I'd severed all ties but the painful ones which have left me bitter about the unresolved situation. (Everyone else got over it; I'm still hurting. I wish they would know how badly all that hurt me, but they won't. Not ever.)

I realize we are two completely different people--it's obvious, since her emotional reactions are just beyond my understanding. I really can't figure out why somebody who is a self-avowed sufferer of anxiety and low self-esteem, somebody who is supposedly emotional, felt so free to poke at my anxiety and tear down my own self-esteem and treat my emotions as if they were nothing. (To paraphrase an exchange between us once: Me--"Why are you being so hurtful to me? You don't know what I'm feeling." Her--"I do know what you're feeling. I just don't care.") In my eyes, that's like a black person calling another black person a "nigger" or something (and not in a brotherly way). I can never understand it when people of one group knock down others of the same group. I used to believe, and still do (to an extent), that those with the same problem should stand together and help each other overcome it, or at least sympathize if that's not possible. I think that was why her jabbing at me hurt so much more than that of some of the other posters--because we are so alike in some ways, probably could have been friends even, yet she detested me because of the way I posted and has felt like that ever since. I may be annoying but I don't know what I ever did that was so bad as to make anyone there, especially her, hate me.

I looked through her entries and found nothing that screamed that she is much more special than I am, that she is a much better person. I really did expect to find it but I didn't. And rather than leaving me feeling more confident in myself, it just leaves me feeling more confused. As I've said before, if people have a reason for hating me and I know it, I can live with it, albeit unhappily. But if I have no clue what that reason is, or if it's a very flimsy one, it wears on me forever.

On another, similar, note, there is someone else who seems to love getting in little jabs at me whenever they can, and I can't see why they don't just quit obsessing about me. They are another case of somebody who seems to hate me because of the sole purpose that they don't like reading my posts. Why do they read me if they can't stand me? You can argue the same thing about me, that I should just stop reading that which bothers me, but I will be the first to admit I seek out negativity and such and that it isn't healthy, and I have a problem. These other people don't seem to recognize that tendency in themselves and in fact seem to think they are above me, or better off than I am; at least, both of them have tried to dictate to me how to act as if they know what will work for me.

A news flash: What works for one person will not necessarily work for another. And people who think the same solution applies to every similar situation...well, I won't say what I think of them, nor how misguided that belief is. This is one of the reasons I don't suggest solutions unless asked because my solutions may have worked only for me.

E. also tried forcing solutions on me. Maybe I was too upset when I refused them and sounded ungrateful or something. I never intended to be rude to her if I was. I remember once she stated her height and I exclaimed, "You're that tall?" She seemed to grow sullen and said, "Yes, I am." I learned later on that her height was a sore issue with her. She probably thought I was gawking and laughing. If she only knew the truth. The reason I exclaimed about it? Because it WAS tall, yes; but also because I felt jealous. I am very SHORT, and have always longed to be just a few inches taller. She seemed to take offense when I had meant nothing of the sort.

Does that not sound familiar, too? I also don't understand why she felt so insecure about something, yet had no problem poking at my own insecurities every chance she got. She did not strike me as the bully type. So what was it?

All I have ever wanted from these people is for them to know how badly I was hurt, to understand why that hurt me so much. Then, maybe, I could let it go. From what personal things of theirs I've read, they seem like otherwise rational, reasonable people with emotions much like my own. They are impassioned about what they care about; they get worried about what others think of them; they get upset when things don't go their way; they feel happy when things do. Just like me. Yet for some reason, somewhere along the way a signal got crossed and instead of sympathizing with each other, we attacked each other. And I'm the only one still hurting from it. That makes me feel very upset, angry, and bitter. I'm tired of always being the last one upset, the one who must always hold my tongue after everyone else has moved on obliviously, and having only a journal to grouse about it in; and then having people get pissed off about THAT, too.

The world will never love me, but when people hate me for no reason, or for just being and expressing myself--which you are always encouraged to do, from childhood--it will forever confuse and hurt me. I will never understand what sets us so very much apart, so they are the favored ones, while I am the one nobody wants around.

I hope I have something lighter to post later on.