08-21-03 @ 11:01 am EDT

Hm, I think I'm having a thing with titles lately. ^_^

This entry will make sense to only one person. If it makes sense to the rest of you anyway, congratulations, you're PSYCHIC! Sorry, I think I'm a bit hyper today. Not sure why. :/

This is in response to the next-to-last paragraph. It's part of what I've wanted to say lately but haven't had really any way to phrase it; maybe I just needed clarification on how. I could be jumping to conclusions thinking that what's going through my head is similar, but I guess that remains to be seen...

This is not 100% all the time, but it comes and goes at certain times. Perhaps it's merely how my mind obsesses over my own writing, which it does--I view that as normal. Anyone who reads this has seen how I go through phases--sometimes I prefer Egyptian things, other times it's all about Manitou Island or Damien. These phases can last for months on end, to the exclusion of all else. (Don't try talking to me about a Trench Rat when I'm jagging on Damien, for example. I will hardly be interested.)

Well, at some times my head gets stuck on a THEME in my writing...I guess I can only say look at the Shywriter folder and you'll see what I mean. Not stuck in any particular storyline, like I described above, though I do go through those. But stuck on that theme. And I'll be thinking nearly CONSTANTLY about it. I have to force the thoughts out of my head when I'm around family else I'll be too distracted and will get the distinct feeling they can tell what I'm thinking...this is why I tend to write when I'm the only one awake or around. Especially that material; I minimize the screen even if they are in the next room and can't possibly read it. Paranoia, I guess.

Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked. The thing is, once I start thinking about it, along comes more and more and more. It used to be that I would just use these times to write the scenes out. As time went by I had over 300 scenes written; only a few are uploaded here. I actually started RUNNING OUT of scenarios! But my head still fixates on them. Eventually it sometimes even comes up with more extreme scenarios, or toys with ones that would never happen. Lately, this is what has been going through my mind the past several days.

I've been logging off the computer and going to my room to work on a puzzle, then getting up and wandering around and wanting to write said scenes, but no words come. It's like I'm stuck or something. That might be normal writer's block, but it's frustrating because before, all I had to do was write those things out. Even reading my older scenes isn't much help because they've all been done before--not sure how to explain that. In short I think my mind has been seeking something new. The problem is, my mind is the only thing that can come UP with this something new, and by the time it's put into words, it's old and it tires me.

So maybe that's why no words have been put down. The word "daydreaming" was used, I just noticed; that's pretty much all I do about it. I'm not sure about you, but it gets frustrating when all you can do is daydream or write, and the writing doesn't want to come so you're stuck with a bunch of weird scenes in your head.

Sometimes I fixate on particular characters or pairings. At least I used to. Lately I've been trying to think of weirder pairings I'd probably never consider in my fiction, just to make it more interesting. And I'm stuck on that too. It's like everything has been done already. Still, the characters from the Minot storyline (the later, unwritten stories, not the novel) are the ones who keep showing up lately. Kristeva, Brooks, Devetko, Reichert are the main ones. Reichert is the one I've been fixated on most of all and it's odd because I have messed him up COMPLETELY. He's not in the same boat as Kristeva and Brooks ("A Crack Of Light" and "Random Scene 3" explain those two), but he's still been through a lot, and lately I have just...ugh. I can't even describe it here. I have totally messed him up. o_o On the job he is a perfect cop and a perfectly nice guy, but off duty...ugh. I'm not sure how to put it right now, let's just say that he is constantly putting himself in danger of being either mugged, choked to death, otherwise maimed, or of contracting a disease. And unlike with Kristeva and Brooks and the rest I don't really see him seeking a way out of it.

Anyway my mind has been on him almost constantly, putting him in every kind of awful situation...and getting constantly bored with it and switching channels. It drives me nuts when I'm thinking like this because I just keep playing out endless repetitive scenarios which go nowhere and which I can't even talk about without sounding perverse. >_<

I think the book I'm reading has influenced what I've been thinking about Kristeva lately, but Reichert is the one I keep fixating on. It would be more productive if I just wrote something instead...

I don't know if this is any comparison to the next-to-last paragraph so if it isn't, please forgive me, but it's been driving me batty lately, and this isn't the first time; the fixating on the theme does not so much bother me as my inability to do anything useful about it. I am getting VERY BORED working on puzzles and formatting my journal and trying to read my book when my mind is on other things! (In case you didn't know, working on a puzzle is a good way to let your mind fixate even more...UGH!! You have to think about SOMETHING while looking through those pieces, and well, that's what I've been thinking about.)

Hm, I feel rather dense comparing this to that paragraph; if they are not similar or nearly the same, then sorry. At least I tried to explain it a bit even if I'm not sure how well I did. Have to go...can't be bothered to proofread this. Too embarrassed! >_<;;

Tar...