09-01-03 @ 10:53 am EDT

Um...eep. I'm still here, really. I'm just in the middle of this horrendous phobic state that's made me afraid of everyone. o_o Gaw, Skew's never looked so dusty before.

First off, some catch up, I suppose.

One beginning reason for such a hiatus there (more on the hiatus in a bit) was the problem of Skew versus TUOJOT. These journals do not like each other, it seems. The problem is I have not yet reached a balance between what should and should not go in one versus what should and should not go in the other. I often sit in front of TUOJOT and find myself writing things I should really be putting here in Skew. TUOJOT was meant to be the real OPENING-UP place that Skew could not be. Skew was meant to be my blithering, babbling, somebody-please-shut-her-up-for-the-love-of-God place. With some opening up here and there, granted.

Driven away from Skew by phobia, I started writing more in TUOJOT instead but it's writing that doesn't "really" belong there. I'm actually tempted to copy it here but I'm too lazy and strapped for time so nyeh.

So I also often find myself not writing in Skew, while wanting to write in both Skew and TUOJOT and not being able to write in either because I have no clue what should go where and if it even matters so dang much. It doesn't, I know. But it's very irritating. Where is the liberation I thought I'd feel? I have yet to figure any of this out, I guess. I've never really kept a paper journal before so maybe that's my problem. When I started Skew I felt awkward and originally restricted its purpose. Maybe it's to be the same way with TUOJOT.

I DID write a humongous, ten-page entry in there the other day, stuff which I would never put in Skew, so I guess that might be a start.

I'm sure I have a zillion things to talk over but for some reason the only thing I can think of is jigsaw puzzles. On Friday, we went to KMart to see if they had any interesting ones as Wal-Mart's selection is sparse and grows sparser every week what with my jigsaw habit. (More in a sec.) KMart's selection was not much bigger, but they were DIFFERENT puzzles, and I ended up getting FOUR. Including one Limited Edition puzzle that I saw in an ad from one I bought at Wal-Mart and wanted to do but which was not carried at Wal-Mart...Gawd, I never thought I'd be so geeky as to refer to jigsaw puzzles by their brand names. Anyway, we then went to Wal-Mart to go shopping and I just KNEW this would happen...Wal-Mart restocked their puzzle section! Entirely NEW ones! Not just 1000-piecers, either. THREE 1000-piecers to a BOX! They had like four or five different sets of them...themed puzzles...like the World Trade Center and the Brooklyn Bridge and the Hard Rock Cafe, and a polar bear and a penguin and an iceberg, etc....not the most STUNNING images, but when you are like me you learn to take what you can get. (Unless it is fuzzy kitties or flowers in a watering can sitting on a table with some coffee...UGH UGH UGH.)

So I have been obsessing over those themed puzzle sets since then. I did not get any, as I just bought four at KMart. But I hope they don't sell. Because I want them. I want those puzzles BAD.

Now, about jigsaws...I used to hate them with a passion because they were just too damned hard for me. Then one day I got bored, found one sitting on the freezer, and decided to try it. I have been good at them ever since. Anything below 1000 pieces is too easy. Sure it takes me from about four days to a week to put one together, but I consider that progress especially considering I don't work on the thing all day. I have not been online nearly as much lately as I used to be--I'm trying to cut back--so in my offtime I need something to keep me busy. Enter jigsaw puzzles. I've never been a HUGE fan of them but I sure as hell am doing the snot out of them now. It has gotten down to two undone ones in my room and they both look like TORTURE--a field full of identical sunflowers, versus a field full of identical tulips. HELP!! That's why I needed some new ones. As much as I like challenging puzzles I do NOT think I am ready for those two.

A while back for my birthday or Christmas or something Ma got me two very interesting jigsaws, one dragon shaped, one wolf shaped, both with artwork in them. I tried both but I haven't a surface big enough to build them on. :/ I have a big piece of cardboard I stash under my bed to put together the regular ones on. Maybe someday I will figure out what to do with those shaped puzzles, because it would be a waste never to do them.

When the selection was narrowing I actually considered going upstairs to seek out some old ones I did long ago. Maybe I will do that sometime. It's been long enough that they should be almost new again. But it takes a long time to want to redo a puzzle, wouldn't you agree?

And I'm sure I've lost pieces to a few. *cries* I know, it's bad. I'm sorry. I'm careful now.

But I still really want to get those themed sets at Wal-Mart. ASSES! Restocking puzzles when I decide to go elsewhere...typical.

I checked out the paper journals at KMart as well. The ones at Wal-Mart are smallish, okay, but all have BIBLICAL quotes on and in them!! Biblical quotes!! I do NOT need that shoved in my face on every entry, thank you! What is it with Wal-Mart and Christianity...they are a very religious chain store. You should see the book section, like a third of the entire thing is devoted to religious works. GUH. Anyway, KMart had some nice SECULAR journals with pressed-flower covers, mildly expensive and kind of small, what do I need pressed flowers on the cover for, fools. But in the book section they had these HUMONGO journals...fullsize like a big book...hardcover with some decent, if not noteworthy, designs...faux suede-feeling back cover...lined pages with some nice designs on them...and 340 pages. WOW! Unfortunately the pages are perforated, so you can use the pages as stationery if you wish...it's a journal, for crying out loud, why'd you want to use it as stationery? Still, very nice-looking journals, for only about $8. I didn't get any. Maybe another time. I'm using my comp books as it is. But tempting. I already had four jigsaw puzzles in the cart, give me a break.

I really need to stop talking about jigsaw puzzles.

In other news, really the only other news I can think of is that Ma has told Uncle John to keep a look out for any suitable cars...I asked her, why John? She said he knows where to look for these things. o_o I guess I'll take her word for it. I hope her car holds together but you know the way things are. I hope an affordable one comes along, at least. Not that any are affordable, but one that's reasonable...

It just struck me, as I was mentally thinking of composing this entry a while ago (yeah, I do these things...a lot more often than you'd think...), that I do not even know what Uncle John does for a living. Aunt Peggy is a teacher, but what is John? And what do Cousins Jamie and Wendy do? Last I knew Wendy was somewhere over in the Middle East with her husband but that was YEARS ago...I am woefully out of touch with Dad's side of the family.

Not that I'm in touch with Ma's, but I don't want to be, either. There are too many of them and all they think I would be good for is having babies. That's all they seem to be good for! Except for Aunt Rose, and even while she got the most brains, she still has lots of babies.

Jeez, this entry is getting weird. I probably should not stay away from Skew for so long. o_o

One thing more before getting to a final note; a dream I had the other night. It'll go in the DF but it's here so it's seen...an abuse dream, though a somewhat odd one. Hm.

It's not completely proofread yet...sorry...

SVU & The Mystic Wave Pool

This dream from my regular sleep yesterday was pretty clear on waking up (my alarm clock interrupted it), although a bit muddled.

I think it began with me being in a classroom at night; at least that's the earliest part I can remember. It seemed kind of like an elementary school classroom, though it was far too spare and utilitarian to actually be one; more like a college class, with small desks (maybe with chairs attached), whitish-cream-colored walls and floor, etc. It was very brightly lit and at least at one point the windows were kind of to my left/behind. I don't think the desks were lined up; they might have been in a semicircle or scattered around as it was an informal atmosphere. In fact I'm not even sure what we were doing there, nor who my companions were. I think it might have been a support group, or it could really have been a class; I don't recall.

There was a bit before this but all I can remember earliest is me looking at a thin, blond, mustached man (I want to say he looked kind of hickish, like he should live in a trailer park, though I don't want to stereotype--I hope you get the idea--he looked like he was from the lower class, I guess) as he beat his child on the head. :( The child was young, a toddler I believe; I think it was a little blond girl but I can't be sure; maybe it was a boy. They were sitting at a desk over near the door, I think; I can't say which direction exactly I faced as I kept turning around in my seat but at one point they were kind of behind me, to my right, before I faced them (while I myself kind of faced the windows--I'm certain the windows were opposite these people). I had heard some noises from them earlier but hadn't paid attention, probably because I didn't want to. Yet I had to look now, and saw that he was glaring at the child angrily (maybe hissing something at her under his breath?) and smacking her in the head. Not really on the face, but it was bad enough. Nobody else was doing anything, but that didn't make me angry. Simply the fact that he was beating his own child (she looked rather like him) pissed me off supremely.

So what did I do?

I turned my back on them! o_o

Now, this is hard to explain. I think it might tie in with a scene I recently wrote in a story of mine. In the story, one character, a soldier, has to be punished for the torture and murder of a lesser soldier; however, he's highly esteemed and is needed to train some troops for upcoming combat, and his victim was a known rapist who had victimized the murderer as well as some others. Nobody really believes he (the killer) will ever do such a thing again, but he still has to be punished else army morale might go down. He's sentenced to be tattooed (like being branded) and whipped publicly by his comrades. While this is happening in the public square, one of his fellow soldiers of the same rank steps forward and turns his back on the proceedings, refusing to acknowledge the punishment being taken--in short, saying that he doesn't agree with it, and refusing to witness the killer's humiliation. Slowly almost all of the condemned's other comrades do the same thing until much of the crowd is no longer watching the public punishment. They do this to spare his pride and to show that they are on his side.

Well, I think that what I did in my dream was supposed to be similar to that. I was furious that this man was beating this child, so I turned my back on them. I turned my whole desk around and conspicuously sat ramrod straight, letting everyone else in the room know I refused to acknowledge that the child deserved to be treated that way. I sensed everyone staring at me because of this and this is where in the dream I began to feel it was more of a support group atmosphere rather than a class, because I felt as if I had once been victimized myself. (For some reason at this point I also focus on my hair. I almost always wear it in a ponytail in real life, and I believe this was so in the dream too, though I think I had some strands loose as if I had been busy with some physical activity which had mussed and dampened it a bit, like I had been walking or exercising a lot. I'm not sure why this detail sticks with me.) I knew I looked very angry. I seemed to be facing the door (front right corner of the class?--or back left?), even though this was where the man had been before; like I said, I kept switching directions so I can't be sure which way I faced.

Well...the thing is, this plan of mine, to refuse to acknowledge the abuse, kind of backfired as, just as in real life, I wondered why I would do such a thing as TURN MY BACK on an abused child! Sure it was serving a symbolic purpose, but what if nobody else understood that? I felt they did, but it still meant I was not DOING anything to HELP the child. Disagreeing with what was happening was noble, yes, but I could have actually DONE something! So as I sat here with my back turned I started to feel guilty that I had not gotten up and helped the poor girl. I didn't really know what to do. :(

The dream fades a bit here and starts to get kind of weird...because Detectives Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit suddenly appeared, and started quietly and unobtrusively questioning those of us in the room. o_O At least one of them, maybe both, came over toward me and started asking me questions about my own abuse. I was still in a sort of stage of denial--I believe I knew it had happened, but I was not really talking about it to anyone, and was stuck in anger mode which had been triggered by seeing the little girl beaten--and rather than answer their questions I believe I just got up and wandered off. I sensed they were doing good by being here--again with the potential support group thing, maybe the other people present (who I never got a good look at) were also abuse survivors--but I did not feel I was yet at a place where I could freely talk about it. Perhaps I was also angry with myself about the little girl's situation, but now that the SVU was here I think she was safe.

The dream shifted but I believe it was still the same one. There might have been a bit in here where I was on the ground but I ended up in the air, flying. Whenever I fly in dreams it is almost NEVER graceful or really fun; at the worst I'm terrified of falling and everything, and at the best I'm usually very awkward, like I'm tied in a harness which I'm not used to being in or don't know how to use; I twist and turn and tilt and veer every which way with very poor control. Well, it was the same here. >:/ Evening had come on and the sky was darkening blue, though not dark yet; more like dusk. I was high over...hm, it's hard to explain. It was probably a suburb as it wasn't city and it wasn't country, but it was closer to the city. Whatever city that is; the terrain was unrecognizable. It was kind of hilly and uneven and there were trees and buildings scattered about; the primary one, the one I believe I had just been in (a school/college?), was sort of built into the hill so it became part of the landscape. I think it might have been modeled after the community college I attended in real life as that was on a hill and had an upper and lower level, with concrete steps outside; so did this one. It was summery I believe, with shrubs and green rolling hills and such. Lights had come on all over as it grew darker and I was kind of floating over this one area, acting all dramatic. I was panning around like I had a camera, zooming in on certain areas and even imagining or else humming theme music out loud. o_o; I wanted this to be dramatic so I imagined kind of like this rap music or something playing in the background as the camera panned over the landscape, like it does between scenes on CSI and such. It's...hard to explain if you're not the imaginative type. >_<;; I suddenly decided to turn this into a story about my character Detective Kristeva, who is a ritual abuse survivor; I guess it just went with the theme of what had been going on. (At the moment I was detached from what had just happened, as if it had happened to someone else. It never really got through to and affected me as it should have.)

I tried turning and zooming in a few times, all the while with this music in my head, but with my poor coordination it didn't work well. I just kept bobbing and weaving. Finally I somehow came down to Earth and my next memory is of a wave pool. It was out front/back of this building and there were people gathered around it. It was like a lawn party or something, with people chattering and laughing and such. I sensed they were around my age; perhaps I was college student age here. *shrug* Unsure. It was very relaxed and friendly so I did not feel ill at ease. I wandered around until I came to this wave pool and it immediately drew my attention.

It was BEAUTIFUL! It wasn't very big as far as pools go, but it was decent sized. Rectangular, the narrower end facing me. There were lights somewhere in it because the whole of the water was lit up in aqua and it GLOWED in the dimness. I couldn't see the light sources; it's almost like it was the water itself. Though I knew it was just hidden lights in the pool. There was wave action so there were always waves going across its surface, and some people were standing in and around it. I went over to it and I think I stuck my feet in--the water was warm, very nice!--and very shallow, too, not even seeming to come up past the knees!--but I didn't get to spend much time in it. I had other things to do...most of which escape me now. :/

I just have vague memories of leaving the wave pool to go up toward the building, maybe ascending some stairs to go to an inside or roofed area like a porch, and observing people. There was a bit in here I don't remember--maybe my mom was around. I just know it involved people inside, maybe a lot of talking, and mostly I just watched and listened. At one point I spotted a cat, and then I think I looked outside(?) a window and saw it again, sleeping on a cushioned lawn chair on a patio or porch. I think it could have been my own cat, Cosmas. I saw that he was outside and thought, "Oh. The cat escaped outside, so it must still be nice out there!" Some time must have passed for me to think that. So I decided to go back out and enjoy myself while I could.

Near the pool or on my way to it I spotted a girl I had known in elementary school, Amy C. Now I have no clue why she would show up here as we were never particularly close, and she never really made an impression on me. She was a very nice person, and never gave me any reason to dislike her, but we weren't friends either. Why was she here? :/ The only connection I could think of is that I knew her mainly in elementary school (possibly briefly in junior high too, but after that I believe I lost track of her). So perhaps she had something to do with how the dream had felt like school earlier, or with my childhood or something. *shrug* I'm not here to interpret, just to describe...she seemed around my age, yet not aged...hard to explain. I don't know what she looks like now as an adult, I mean, yet she was neither a child nor an adult in my dream, but was my age. That's still not sufficient but it's the best I can do. We seemed ageless, I guess. Anyway, she was near the pool with a female friend of hers who I did not know, and she seemed angry about something. Amy was not perfect and could get angry about things, but she was not a vengeful grudge-bearing person, so I knew it had to be serious for her to be so angry. She wasn't yelling or anything, just looking peeved and not talking much. I think her friend might have been trying to console her or to get her to talk (her friend seemed rather neutral). I didn't interact with her, though I wondered what had gotten her angry; I thought it might have had something to do with what had happened in the class (was she an abuse survivor, too?), but was not sure. I decided to leave her alone, and went back to the pool.

Drat! The neat lights had been turned off and it was getting darker outside as night drew on, so the pool was not as mystical as it had been before. :( Plus whatever had been heating the water must have been shut off as well as it was growing cooler and there were fewer people around, to boot. Still, I waded in (the water seemed not to go past my ankles though I felt it was deeper); it was lukewarm and still wavy, so I tried to enjoy it the best I could before it got too dark and cool to be outside anymore. I think one of the people nearby was like a blond surfer dude or a jock; a lunkhead-like guy, but friendly enough. I didn't talk to anyone. Everyone else just stood around in their own groups and chattered while I walked around, getting my feet wet in the pool. (In real life I HATE deep water and so dislike most pools, but this one in the dream was so shallow that I really enjoyed it. I have seen ads for a big wave pool on TV and it looks like the turbulent water and the crowds playing in it would scare the hell out of me but this was tolerable.) I walked around for a while and then went to the end which was closer to the building and probably to where Amy had been earlier. Here now it's like there were rocks around the edges or possibly on the bottom of the pool, though I think it was the former. They were all shiny and tumbled smooth by water action, like pictures I've seen of the rocks scattered along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore on Lake Superior (a place I want to visit someday). Intrigued, I bent down to examine them; I have always loved shiny, colorful rocks.

There were SO MANY beautiful ones! I had to have some. (I used to collect rocks to a fault in childhood. ^_^; ) I poked around until I came upon an absolutely GORGEOUS one. It was large and covered in rainbow stripes. It was like it was layered, as some rocks are, only instead of earth tones they were bright RAINBOW colors! Part of the rock, like the bottom, was plain grayish colored but atop that were the layers of rainbow hues...so beautiful! Almost as if they had been painted on! I picked this up and set it aside, determined to keep it...but then found another one almost like it, even bigger and more beautiful...and another one, which appeared to have been broken or fragmented, but was still big and pretty to look at. It had the jagged rough side where part had broken away but with those colors, who could resist at least looking at it?

I kept setting these in my own pile of prospective treasures. I glanced up, as if hoping to draw somebody's attention to my finds, then poked around some more. Then I noticed that my little growing stack of rocks had been knocked over so I had to pick them up and stack them again. >:/ "Somebody's trying to steal my rocks!" I exclaimed, even though none had really been taken, they'd just been knocked over. Still, who had done it? I searched for the culprit but found none; I think I picked up some of the rocks and started rinsing them off (I was standing in the pool again and now it seemed deeper, like waist deep) or else poking around for other ones while in the water. As I held up one of the rainbow-colored rocks, I believe it was, a decent-sized black spider appeared upon it, scuttling around. I'm not TERRIFIED of spiders, but I do not like them crawling on me or my things. So I shook the rock, maybe blew on it, and the spider landed in the water. I watched it flail around and then it kind of swam toward the right side of the pool and, curious, I followed it. I knew it was in fact the culprit who had knocked over my pile of stones, and I wanted to see where it was going.

It either crawled out or washed up on the other side of the pool, where now it was kind of like beach. I followed it and now instead of being a spider it was a cartoony-looking shrimp. Very cute and funny looking, kind of orangish-pink with crab claws and antennae and big google eyes. I think I smirked down at it. "This is the one who was trying to make off with my rocks!" I accused, half in jest; the shrimp took offense with my tone and started scuttling toward me. I tried to avoid it as I hadn't really meant to make it angry, and I hoped it would recognize my gestures and back off as well, but it didn't. It persisted in following me as I walked around (I was on land now), and finally caught up and clamped its pincer onto my finger. OUCH!

It didn't hurt an INCREDIBLE lot, but it was a lot of pressure and I hated that I had made the little guy so angry. I tried to pull it off but I don't think I could. Even its eyelids had turned down so it looked miffed. As I stood there trying to pry it off I realized that we were both in a losing situation and so decided to strike a deal with it.

"I'll make a deal with you," I said. "You let go of my finger, and I'll watch over you and make sure nobody makes you into dinner. (There might have been another stipulation--something I wanted the shrimp to do for me, like maybe promise not to steal/touch my rocks anymore.) What do you say?"

It took a moment for the shrimp to realize I was being truthful, but once I got through to it its eyes lit up and I sensed agreement. It let go of my finger and voila, we had a deal. The shrimp would not pinch me (and would probably leave my rocks alone, and maybe help me with something else?--like finding something?), and in return I would be its guardian, protecting it from being turned into seafood. ^_^ Even in the dream I realized how cute and silly this bargain was, but the shrimp seemed happy enough, and so so was I.

The dream got confusing right about here, as now I was advising the shrimp about something...I was holding onto it and instead of being a shrimp, now it was like a plastic toy of some sort, and it was collapsible. It was still in animal form and was still the same color but I don't know what it was--a horse?--giraffe? I seemed to collapse and/or stretch out the neck of it, maybe set it down on the shore fully stretched out, then suddenly it was on the footstool in my living room instead; I stood on the far end and faced the couch, looking down at this little collapsible toy. I believe I was advising the "shrimp" not to go about partly collapsed; it was best to keep itself stretched to its maximum size when dealing with others--at least I think that's what I said--and I picked it up and again stretched out its neck and maybe its limbs accordingly, so it was longer and bigger. It was in little sections like those plastic light sabers that collapse in on themselves--telescoping, I should say. It had a telescoping neck and I stretched this out because I think I felt the "shrimp" (now in quadruped form) had a better chance of protecting itself if it were bigger.

At least, as I said, that's what I think I meant. I woke up just then, so I'm not really sure what the deal was. o_o;

Make of that what you will.

Now a final bit. I tried to lessen my guilt (one reason for my not posting in Skew in so long...frequent readers know this) by replying to a couple of outstanding e-mails. A couple I didn't reply to yet. One, to M., because I hope to address her when my mind is not quite so scattered; whenever that is. The other one, to P., though he deserves one most of all right now. If you're reading this, I'm sorry I made you sit through such a long entry to get to this part, P. >_< Through his entire stay here you would not believe the things he's done to make it easier for me on this site. My first year-long upgrade came from him, and a portion of my current premium upgrade, and most recently he's contributed to the next one. I hate the thought that you might think I'm begging for handouts or anything when I vent in my entries, P. and anyone else; for that is never really my intention. I find that talking about what's worrying me often helps me work through it, or at least let it go for a while so I can focus on other things. But I have so much appreciated every single gift P. has given me, no matter how undeserved they are. Every time I find something from him that's exactly what I think; what did I do to deserve it? I haven't done nearly enough for him to justify everything he's done for me; and this includes all the reviews, comments, and encouragement he's sent my way, to boot. That is the icing on the cake. Along with his latest gift came a review for the latest part of RTMI, which I worked on and finished just the other day.

Do you know, now every time I post a part of that story I always have P. in mind. :)

I really wish that there was something I could do to repay everything he's given, but I can't think of anything. :( And wouldn't you know it but I'm all PHOBIC right now, too!! >_< I am even always dreadfully late getting back to his e-mails and he has never ONCE gotten mad at me because of it. Can you believe that? **crosses fingers** o_o Sorry, but I always feel I will jinx good things when I talk about them...which is probably one reason you so rarely find me talking about good things here in Skew. You never knew that before, did you. Well now you do. ^_^; Yes, I'm superstitious.

I hope at least a few of the things I've said here made some little bit of sense, though; whenever I think I've seen it all P. still surprises me. I feel VERY jittery that I've jinxed things now, so you know how much that comment means.

I wanted to end this in a more grateful manner but I'm getting all nervous again!! o_o;;; Not proofread. Have to go...*flees*