09-12-03 @ 10:26 am EDT

An entry with no real unifying theme.

Firstly, on going to check my mail at Yahoo! (I'm beginning to think the person who wanted the referral to the Chronicles either doesn't like them at all and thus will not reply, or their e-mail is not working :/ ), I learned that Johnny Cash has died. I heard just last night or the day before that he had been released from the hospital and was expected to recover and I said, "I know this is morbid, but I kind of wish he WOULD die. He's just so old and sick yet keeps hanging on." No, I do not hate Johnny Cash and I did not WANT him to die, but he has really been sick for a very long time, and every time you'd see him on TV he would just look worse. I felt the same way I would on looking at a poor old dog that's on its last legs yet needs to be put down. I do NOT believe in assisted suicide. But I felt sorry that Johnny Cash just would not let go.

I'm not happy he's dead, but I get a feeling he's in a more comfortable place.

Then I looked down the page and saw that JOHN RITTER had died!! John Ritter! I can't believe it! He's only in his fifties! I hadn't even known he was sick...it was a heart problem...this is sad. I was no huge Ritter fan, but he was young, and it was unexpected and thus it's sad. What a shame. :(

Then I saw I had no new mail, so I wandered away.

I had some comments I wished to make regarding some different attitudes held toward September 11th in specific and toward human compassion and mourning in general, but if I get into those now I will be typing for a very long time. Plus I am likely to make another journaler elsewhere look a little bad, when it isn't my intent, as my thoughts were spurred by some things I had seen posted by them. I'm guessing the only thing I can say right here and now is I think I will be removing them from my favorites list...they are still an astute and intelligent person, but lately the things I've been reading by them just seem more and more hateful. They have even claimed to hate my own country. I had not even seen that side of them until lately. Perhaps I just hadn't paid enough attention.

I can see them disparaging particular groups of people in some of their entries, and reading their words, it's almost as if I am reading personal insults being flung at me in particular. I KNOW they are not insulting me in particular. In fact I believe they stopped reading this journal quite a while back...in fact I rather wonder if they stopped reading because my entries and my views annoy them, since we seem to be a lot more different in our outlooks than I thought. I guess I am just too naive and weak and care too much about other people...to this person that would make me a prime candidate for being useless and stupid, but if anything I feel I should be MORE compassionate. I just can't buy into the theory that humans need to be less compassionate, need to think about themselves first, need to stop mourning people they do not even know, and need to quit doting on the weak and helpless. I think that caring about others, even if we do not know them and if they cannot help themselves, is just part of what makes us human. Call me a sap, but whenever I see somebody behaving altruistically for another they do not know--helping the weak and helpless for no personal gain whatsoever--well, that makes me feel happy inside. It reminds me we are not all heartless beasts, like the news often makes it seem.

Even animals such as wolves and elephants will stop to try to help a wounded comrade at times. Elephants, in particular, seem to sometimes mourn their dead. I read once about a group passing through which came upon the bones of a dead fellow elephant. The living elephants, although they had not known the dead one, stopped and picked up the bones, feeling them with their trunks and passing them around silently. They then put the bones back down and moved on their way. No one can say for sure if they were mourning or not...but they were certainly doing something that didn't serve any immediate, important purpose.

Besides, if we did NOT give a rat's ass about other people, somebody would take the flip side and call us heartless bastards. One of the most frequent complaints I hear about our September 11th ceremonies is how we "never" care or mourn the dead of OTHER countries. I HATE how non-Americans (and yes, some Americans too) keep insisting we do not know or care about the dead of other countries. Guess what? SOME OF US DO! The problem is our media are not as concerned about such things--and yes, we tend to mourn our own more often because we feel closer to them. Would you not feel more sharply the pain of loss of a beloved family member, versus the loss of a distant cousin? But at least some people, like myself, mourn every needless death we hear about. It's just that with all the crap always going on in our real lives, it's sometimes hard to hear about it all.

And lest you think we mourn our own dead too much and don't give a rip about anyone but ourselves...take a look at our OWN media coverage of September 11th--I did not even see mention of the moments of silence for when the Towers fell! It was preempted by commercials, it was so "unimportant"! Then the reading of the names was taken off the air in favor of Regis and Kelly, Martha Stewart, and a BLACK BEAR FALLING OUT OF A TREE! (That last goodie was on CNN, the bastion of news networks.)

And now I've learned from this other journaler that if we show too much compassion for people we don't know, we are just wasting our emotions...sometimes you just can't win. If we care, we are overly emotional idiots. If we don't, we're heartless bastards. Well, call me an overly emotional idiot then because that's what I'd rather be...I think overly emotional, compassionate people are the ones who give "humanity" its name. We are not meant to be robots. We are humans and yes, all of us are weak and stupid in our own ways. That's just part of the deal of being Homo sapiens. I bet even the person most devoted to the idea of killing off all the useless members of society and caring primarily for number one would be reluctant to do away with a few key treasured people in their lives, no matter how useless they might be to everyone else. That's because we're human, not because we're overly emotional idiots.

Wow, I did not mean to even type all that! I thought I was going to save it for another time. Guh. I guess it's just still bothering me that I have learned this person holds this attitude. It strikes me personally because I see myself as one of those weak, noncontributing members of society who whines too much and cries too much for people I don't even know. I know I was not targeted but I might as well have been, with how badly the comments have made me feel. This is why I think I must delete this other journal from my favorites; I have probably already been deleted from theirs long ago. I just can't deal well with people who cannot show compassion toward many, and/or have a discriminatory attitude toward some other groups (believing in doing away with even the useless members of society is discriminatory, as who defines useless?--I myself, for example, define many sports, in particular racecar driving, as useless--look at that needless waste of gas!).

And yes--the person reading this can very easily stand up and say, "Well, aren't you being just as closeminded here? Refusing to even talk to or read somebody who does not agree with your mindset?" And yes, on one point you are right--I am being discriminatory here in that I cannot deal with such people, else I will just end up taking everything they say far too personally, I will always be angry and unable to think rationally, and I will let that anger build up and fester and consume me. I just don't have the time or patience or heart for that. I'm so filled with anger already that I don't need more to deal with...the only way I can deal with it now is to just back off from it and turn away. It's the only way I can save my own bit of humanity; I can't feel compassion for others, if I am too consumed by anger to bother with it.

I hate that I am likely turning away from my Shadow (they say that what we hate most in others is what we really hate most in ourselves, and at least in one way this time it is true), as it's only by confronting the Shadow that we grow stronger, but I've never claimed to be strong enough or ready to face that sort of thing. You've all seen how the thoughts of others influence my own feelings. I read an entry by one bigot or homophobe or whatever and it bothers me the rest of the night. It shouldn't even matter, because it's just their opinion, they're free to hold it, it will never change my opinion, plus there are hundreds more people whose opinions are more suited for me--but it bothers me nonetheless that such hate is out there. I take it personally, and I take this person's entries personally, because I have felt that hate, I've been the target of it, and rather than confront them about it and fight them over their own journal--something I will not do--it's best to just walk away. Yes, I'm being discriminatory toward them simply because of their opinion. But in this case, at least, their opinion directly influences me--I myself am many of the things they write disparagingly about--so I do not see myself as being hypocritical by turning away from them. I just see it as a defense mechanism meant to spare me from endless agonizing and yet more pointless anger.

I'm sad because at first, they did seem like a nice, thoughtful person. I'm sure they still are, in many respects; they did not "go bad" overnight. In fact they are probably not bad at all. I just found out more about them that I didn't know before, and so I guess I made a hasty judgement about how I thought they were. My mistake, not theirs. I still feel angry that they MAY not see their comments against particular groups of people include me, when we shared some friendly notes with each other before, but I guess it can't be helped. Like I said, maybe that's why they stopped reading my journal. They found out way before I did how unalike we were, I'm willing to bet. I'm just sorry I bothered them to begin with, and even though I know THIS is no reason for me to be sorry, still I feel sorry that I am so many of the things they claim to hate. *shrug* I've always felt sorry when some aspect of my being bothers somebody else, even if it's beyond my control.

I really don't know what else to say on the subject. I am Tehuti, and I am weak, I am a leech, I am useless, unmotivated, noncontributing to society; I serve no purpose, I have no goals, I am likely even a psychic vampire. I am manipulative and attention seeking and have not given one bit of good to the betterment of anything. I cry too much about myself for I am selfish, and I cry too much about other people I don't even know for I feel their pain as my own all the time. When others feel bad I feel bad, simply because I hate when anyone feels bad. I pity even those who likely don't deserve it, and tend to get taken in by them a lot. Still I remain naive and illogical and overly emotional and wishy-washy and whiny and very, very annoying. I never denied any of the above. That's who I am, I'm not proud of it, but it's me. And there are others like me, and I believe we all have as much right to existence and happiness (albeit fleeting) as anyone else who is popular and successful and contributes much to society.

Just call me stupid, I guess. I won't deny it. I just won't agree when told that people like me should be done away with, because we are just the tip of the iceberg. I can find terminal flaws in just about anybody...the brighter the picture, the darker the negative...and if we had to do away with people based on such things, I know that those most confident of being allowed to stick around would probably be high on the list of those who must go. This is all entirely theoretical and by now I bet nobody knows what the hell I'm even talking about...forget it. It's old news and the people who inspired it don't read this, so I'll move on. I just needed to get it off my chest, for it's been bothering me badly that somebody I had grown to respect so much holds such views on people like myself. As I said, I made a mistake. I'm sorry, and I'm backing off now to spare my own chaotic head.

Lest anyone who inspired or knows who inspired the above DOES see this, rest assured this is not an attack, nor a debate or a call to debate, nor even me seeking affirmations...it's just me trying to get over it and let it go. Which I will likely do now that I've shared it.

AND since I said I was not going to even type that up as it would take too long (GARRRRR!!), let's just move on! >_<;

Found a link to this in a different journal elsewhere...and found it interesting. I only read the first part of it. I should read the rest later...I post it here just for whatever. Read if you like.

WHAT IS A PSYCHOLOGICALLY HEALTHY SPIRITUALITY
© Paschal Baute, 1992, revised 1994

A PSYCHOLOGICALLY HEALTHY SPIRITUALITY (= S.)

...does not see S. as the magic solution to all of life's problems or those one is unwilling to face ("God will do it for me").

...has a sense of humor and is able to laugh and poke fun at oneself.

...does not employ rituals, like attending church on Sunday, to create a sense of superiority or security.

...does not use S. to avoid intimacy/autonomy/conflict/accountability, or standing on one's own feet; does not use S. to detach from the vulnerability of being human.

...does not look for an all-knowing parent or an authority ready with answers to all problems to escape self-responsibility.

...requires a foundation of personal integrity and honesty based on self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and a willingness to accept reality.

...is marked by wholeness, compassion, openness, humility & respect for others.

...is neither rigorously ascetic nor indulgent with sex, food, money, power, etc.

...is often passionate about life and some project dealing with peace and justice.

...tempers spiritual ambition with imperfect reality of ordinary life.

...does not abandon the need for critical thought and insight.

...holds honesty with oneself as a core value of life, and therefore is committed to regular self-examination.

...refuses all self-elevation and any devaluing of others' paths.

...regards everyone, regardless of differences or status in life as a potential teacher.

...enjoys healthy, warm, loving and game-free relationships.

...views all forms of "specialness" or giftedness as an obstacle to true humility.

...accepts imperfections and flaws of our humanity as instructive and redemptive.

...is seldom isolated from a community of fellow seekers.

...often results in compassionate prayer or action for peace and justice.

...accepts that is often through pain, failure, or crisis that we are brought to a deeper spirituality.

...knows the journey can seldom be taken safely alone without some guide or mentor, even if it is only sacred writing, or still better a person of some experience and wisdom; realizes the danger of religious enthusiasm without a guide.

...recognizes that the spiritual journey is beset with many pitfalls, traps, and illusions and is willing to test one's "leadings" with others.

...does not make an idol out of any religious symbol, object, project, or practice, nor out of one's own religious path.

...must be ready to give witness, but never pass judgment on those whose convictions conflict with our own; seeks the truth and stands for it with passion but never acts as if one has exclusive claim upon truth or morality; may never ever claim that its conviction, however deep, binds the conscience of another.

...knows, really knows, that no moral crisis can ever dispense people of conscience from full respect for the freedom and responsibility of every other conscience.

Critique and suggestions welcomed. 6200 Winchester Rd. Lexington, KY 40509-9520

http://www.lexpages.com/SGN/paschal/SPIRHEAL.html

Interesting.

I also found this and looked it over...also interesting.

The changing faces of Jesus.

Some results of my study of the Jesus research, in 2 parts.

part 1: Who is Jesus? part 2: What would he say to us today?

By Paschal Baute, December 2001


"As long as you confine your choices
to the alternatives that are presented to you in a given framework
and do not think of questioning the framework itself,
considering alternatives to that,
you are not liberated."
Walter Kaufmann


My goal is understand the real Jesus in his human individuality, within his historical culture: who he was, as a man, as a Jew, as a Galilean Jew of his time. I want to understand Jesus incarnate, genuine, measurable, palpable: who was this man of God of the first century A.D. I have now been studying him for many years, actually since 1949, but more recently through the publications of the Jesus Seminar folk and others, and our own Lexington Jesus Seminar. Here is summarized some unpredicted and notable changes in my views.

Jesus is not the meek and mild figure of popular Christianity, nor of Joe Grizoni's Jesus' stories. He could be determined, impatient, demanding, angry. He inherited the hot blood of the Galileans, known as fierce warriors, and the fearlessness of his predecessors, the prophets. Jesus was not afraid to stand up to the powerful. He showed love to children whom he proposed as models for those who sought to enter the kingdom of God. He welcomed women and felt pity for the sick and the miserable. In ways, he surpassed the prophets-they embraced the poor and the weak. Jesus went further and extended the hand of friendship to the social outcasts, the unclean prostitutes, and the despised publicans-there were to be no outsiders, no strangers. He is shown capable of extreme emotion to strike at opponents and critics. Jesus was a prophet-like person, mighty in deeds and words, and regarded as a holy man.

Jesus was also an impulsive Galilean who could use harsh words for non-Jews, such as "Dogs," and "Swine." Slowness in the understanding of his apostles made him indignant and he scolded them often. On at least one occasion he was unreasonable, cursing the fig tree for being without fruit, when it was not the season for figs. (Mark 11:12). His family thought he was crazy and tried to rescue him from himself. He proclaimed not just the virtual nearness but the actual presence of God. He seems to have been a man of both steel and warmth. "The gospel preached by him was fire, power and poetry, one of the high peaks in the religious creativity of the people of Israel." (Vermes, the Changing Face of Jesus). He was executed because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and in the wrong season. (Vermes, 280) I believe his death was unexpected and as final as any man's death.

Jesus is not the founder of Christianity, nor of any church. His preaching of the Kingdom present already is incompatible with the founding of any permanent society in his name. Jesus never intended to be the founder of a new church, certainly not one that would compete with, disparage and persecute his own faith tradition. I sincerely doubt that he could recognize any Christian church as being the fulfillment of his own aims. None.

There are many differing faces of Jesus in the New Testament which Vermes (Cf reference below) describes well. Jesus' message has been warped for centuries, by all and sundry, in systematic ways. None of the gospels were written by the authors listed: Matthew, Mark, Luke or John. The Synoptic (Matthew, Mark and Luke) portrait of Jesus was as a charismatic healer, teacher and exorcist, and champion of the Kingdom as already present--without needing ritual.

New Testament authors, Paul, John, and the others, progressively disguised the above portrait to make him into the Messiah, which started a process of theological speculation that culminated in the elevation of the carpenter from Nazareth to the rank of the second person of the triune God, the Trinity. The contrasting view of Jesus in the gospel of John is the largest evident distortion: John's Jesus, for anyone who reads ands notices is very different from the Mark's Jesus, as well as that of Luke and Matthew.

Since I believe Jesus never intended to found another religion, such as Christianity, let's suppose what he might say if he returned today and spoke to three groups: first his own, the Jews, then Christians and finally the unchurched and alienated. (Adapted from Vermes).

"Shalom, my people. Forget the lies: I preached the Kingdom: my followers preached me,--a terrible distortion of my aim in renewing our ancient faith. I am one of yours. Look, my religion is that of Moses and the prophets. I only put extra emphasis on seeking the Lord our God who is one in and through all that we do to our fellow men in every single humble and love-filled deed of all our everydays. I deeply apologize to you for all that has been done to you in my name. Follow the Torah-Christians have distorted how thoroughly Jewish I was in order to make themselves superior to our traditions."

Then he would recognize and speak to the Christians.

"I am amazed to see so many of you calling yourselves my followers, even as you disagree mightily among yourselves. Your differences serve your egos, your security and comfort, not my Father's glory. I never came to be worshiped-that undermines and conceals my message. You have been told to expect everything from me. I exhort you to rely more on yourselves-you may call it the voice of the Holy Spirit-on your own gifts and goodness. You must save yourselves. Remember the Kingdom, better the "Kin-dom," is always at hand, and you are children of your heavenly Father. Carry on with all your rites, customs, and prayers, if you need to, but, please, never prefer the symbol to the reality. Do not assume that any of you can speak in my name. Never prefer what you do in church to actual caring for your brothers and sisters. My Father does not need your Sunday worship but he does want your listening and compassionate hearts."

"Do not blame my Jewish brethren for turning the spirit into the letter. You do worse by judging them by your creeds. You will learn more about the real me from Mark, Matthew and Luke than from all the rest of the New Testament. I wish now I had written some things down; There would be less distortion. I share responsibility for the misrepresentation. Do not make the Bible into a new idol by assuming everything there came straight from God, through angels not humans. Remember to be truly humble and show love and respect to all, especially those with whom you disagree and any who are hurting."

Then he turned to the unchurched standing at the margins and fringes of the group and waved his hand to include all of them as if inviting them closer.

"You also are mine. I know you well and love you. Recognize your weakness and flaws and do the right thing. You are right when you say church is not necessary and that you can find God anywhere. Repent and be confident. Pray in private. A community could help support your faith because we all need one another more than we know. You are already close to the Kingdom. Remember my Father welcomes with greater joy the returning prodigal than the son who was always with him.

To all of you: Jew, Christian and others, I say: the kingdom is here though hidden. The gate is found in simplicity, trust, surrender and the intensity of desire of a child: Unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the Kingdom. (Matt 18:3; Mark 10:15; Luke 18:17). For this "citizenship," total devotion is required: single-mindedness and unrestrained giving of self. No religious attitude is real or sufficient without an all-pervading sense of urgency which converts ideas into immediate action. Hear ye this, all ye church-goers, pray-ers and talkers."

"I am leaving now, all of you, but you can always find this Yearning in your hearts, and in the Mystery of being connected to others, and fully human, and therefore, loving. Continue to listen to the still small voice within, as did the prophet Elijah (1 Kings 19:12). Be joyful."


Reference:

The Changing Faces of Jesus. Gesu Vermes. Viking, Penguin, 2001. Highly recommended. Vermes is a Hungarian Jew whose family converted, but that did not save his parents from the Holocaust. He became a priest, then biblical scholar, one of the first to write on the Dead Sea Scrolls (and correctly date them), and eventually first professor of Jewish Studies at University of Oxford. He is a Fellow of the British Academy and Professor Emeritus now.

Providential Accidents (1999) is Vermes' autobiography, which I just finished reading. Vermes is one scholar every student of Jesus should be familiar with. His books and articles are too many to mention further here. I get all of these kind of books through interlibrary loan at the local branch of my public library, without cost.

"Joy is the echo of God's life in us."

-Abbot Marmion.


From Thomas Merton:

My own peculiar task in my Church and in my world has been that of the solitary explorer who. . . . is bound to search the existential depths of faith in its silences, its ambiguities, and in the certainties which lie deeper than the bottom of anxiety. In these depths there are no easy answers, no pat solutions to anything. It is a kind of submarine life in which faith sometimes mysteriously takes on the aspect of doubt when, in fact, one has to doubt and reject conventional and superstitious surrogates that have taken the place of faith. On this level, the divisions between Believer and Unbeliever cease to be so crystal clear. It is not that some are all right and others are all wrong: all are bound to seek in honest perplexity. Everybody is an Unbeliever more or less! Only when this fact is fully experienced, accepted, and lived with, does one become fit to hear the simple message of the Gospel -- or of any other religious teaching.

- Merton, in Faith and Violence (Notre Dame, Ind.: University of Notre Dame Press, 1968) 211-13.

http://www.lexpages.com/SGN/paschal/FacesofJesus.html

Hm. :/

I've looked briefly at a bit of the site...I don't know nearly enough about the viewpoints of the people involved to comment on any of this much. It says this man is a "married Catholic priest"? :? I just wished to share the articles, and to post them for my own future reference...go and read other articles from there if you wish. There's an interesting-looking article about forgiveness there, and the symptoms of religious addiction...

Well, this entry again went longer than I intended it to. Sorry. Surely if you were bored you've wandered off by now anyway. :/ Tar...