09-17-03 @ 2:54 am EDT

I have just been obsessing and obsessing, and that's not good. Maybe if I put them into words and just let them go I'll feel a little better. It's nothing serious, but it grates on my nerves and bothers me anyway.

Bothersome Thing Number One:

The Ameni Chronicles. Out of the entire series, with all the rape and abuse and orgies and bloodshed and all that other fun stuff, there is ONE scene that bothers me severely above all the others. Even more so than the dreaded Parts 8 and 10. That...is K'tasai's chapter. I can't remember the particular number but perhaps that's best because if I posted it somebody might feel like going over to look at it and that's not my point. Now I must explain something here that will make me look like a hideous person to those of you who have not browsed the series, and that's most readers. The Ameni Chronicles are an erotica series of mine set in ancient Egypt. You do know that in ancient times, children got married, and children had children. That was how it was, when the life expectancy was about thirty or thirty-five years. If you were female you were just expected to get married and have children around age fourteen or fifteen or so. If you waited until you were in your twenties, you were putting your life in danger and it was pretty much too late anyway.

These are modern days and now the life expectancy is around seventy-five or eighty, and of course things are much different. Me? Personally I believe you should be required to have a license and/or psychiatric exam in order to have and raise children. I get perpetually disgusted with how often I see teenagers just casually having sex and raising children (I'm not belittling their child-raising skills--just saying they should not put themselves in a situation where they have to end up raising children in the first place!--for God's sake, just be a teenager already!). And yes, I agree that statutory rape should be a crime; you have to be a certain age to drive, to drink, to vote, so of course you should be a certain age to be able to give consent. Many teens just don't fully understand what's going on. And adults should NOT be showing interest in teens.

That having been said, that's today, and my stories are back then. Before all that. I say this because I'm constantly afraid of somebody thinking that because many of the female characters in the Chronicles are in their teens, and are regularly having sex and having babies, that I'm some kind of sicko who gets off on this stuff. The truth is, I just don't view those characters the same as modern-day teens. Because teenagers were expected to behave differently back then. (I should state it's the same with Manitou Island, to an extent, but the subject has never really popped up in any of the writing so it's not noticeable. For the record, when she first appeared in the story, Little Dove was probably around seventeen, and I think Red Bird was around eighteen or nineteen--much older than the Chronicles characters. I can't speak for the ages of other female characters of the series when they first paired off with someone. And you'll notice that the modern-day protagonist, Charmian, a fourteen year old, realizes that her feelings for Justin (who's about nineteen) are improper.) I have to view the characters in their own context and not in a modern-day one in order for the stories to seem at least somewhat realistic. Face it, in ancient Egypt, if you were of the modern legal age of consent you were often getting to be too old to have children.

I feel like some kind of pervert trying to justify my views when in reality I'm just explaining the series...so I'll leave it at that for now.

But for anyone who has read the Chronicles, you'll also notice I still don't advocate relations at a certain age, as indicated by how some of the characters react. Ameni himself is shocked at first by how young such characters as Ki'amit are (she's about fifteen, I think), even though that's pretty much the right age of consent for his people; I guess he's a forward-thinker. In one chapter, Ahen (a character probably in his forties) is thinking about his eighteen-year-old mate and how he purchased her (all females in Apsiu society are slaves) at age twelve; he treated her more like a daughter and was never intimate with her until she was around fifteen, I believe; again, the same age as Ki'amit. There's one scene with Mahakhi and his fourteen-year-old mate which sets me somewhat on edge, but for some reason it doesn't bother me as much as K'tasai's scene. In K'tasai's chapter, his mate is thirteen years old.

That is the chapter which bothers me more than any of the others in the entire series so far, even with all the assault and carnage and everything. The scene is "consensual," if you could call it that, but it still bothers the hell out of me. Honestly, I wish I hadn't written it. And I seriously wonder if I should change the female character's age, though that would probably disrupt the story, with how often they refer to such things as age and maturity. Also, the point is made in the story that K'tasai simply has a...thing...for younger females. And so it still sits there the way it was when I first wrote it. :/

Thirteen is practically not even a teenager--just a teen by one year. One year removed from twelve, which is elementary-school age. Way, WAY too young to be doing such things. So you see why this bothers me that I ever included the scene. I would really excise it if it wouldn't mess up the plot and chaptering. Don't ask me what I was thinking when I wrote it because truthfully, I don't want to know.

(For the record, both the characters Ameni and Ahen show revulsion for K'tasai's choice of such a young mate--even according to Apsiu standards, this is a very young age, and K'tasai is pushing it.)

Well, as for what bothers me...underage relations, as you'll probably know, are the ONE taboo on erotica sites. I do not disagree with this taboo; it serves a purpose. I'm honestly confused why nonconsensual scenes are allowed, on the other hand, as both scenarios are illegal and involve people who are victimized against their will. Why is one taboo and one is an acceptable "fantasy"? Most erotica sites seem to want to make you believe that when you really look at it, all rape scenes are just seduction fantasies. I have never believed this and, judging by the narration and description of some nonconsensual pieces I've read (not least of all including my own), other people don't believe it either.

I'm not saying nonconsensual scenes should not be allowed on erotica sites, either. I'm not arguing for or against either of them being allowed or disallowed. Frankly I'm fine with things staying the way they are, even if I find the double standard odd. What bothers me is the writer being judged over the material they put out, and not being able to display that material if it is part of a larger whole. I do not go around writing standalone underage stories just for the fun of it; ick ick ick!! In fact, aside from several nonconsensual scenes, I believe ALL of my shorter, Black Binder standalone scenes feature legal relations...I just remembered, except for a few in the Kemet storyline (again when younger women were expected to bear children). And I can think of only maybe two of those; I don't think they're posted here. *shrug* NONE of my modern-day stories feature such things in a "consensual" light like the ancient-times stories do, because the laws changed with the times and vice-versa. I just don't like romanticizing things that are illegal and that victimize people. Probably why my nonconsensual scenes tend to be so brutal--I don't want anyone to mistake them for love.

The bothersome K'tasai scene, however, takes place in a serial. It's not a standalone story which serves no purpose other than as a little bit of entertainment. It takes place in a much bigger work, and even though it hasn't served any direct purpose on the plot yet, it might at some point. (Perhaps I should excise it before it does and save myself the trouble. You know, I'm betting that I will probably have to delete it from this site anyway, since it's probably not allowed here either. I hope I at least get a courteous warning notice so I can remove it myself first.) The other scenes with the underage characters like fourteen-year-old Dji'it and fifteen-year-old Ki'amit, however, would probably severely disrupt the story if omitted, since they feature so heavily in the plot; one scene with Ki'amit shows how Ameni is introduced to the Apsiu way of life, and the beginning of his friendship with Thi'usa, a major character; in fact, it's Ameni's mistaking Thi'usa's relationship with Ki'amit for rape that leads to them growing to understand each other. Other scenes with her elaborate on the different character relations. And she can't be the only one; I'm sure there are others I'm forgetting. The point I'm trying to make is, I didn't write those scenes to be prurient or anything; I wrote them as part of a larger serial which by now has so many characters and plot facets that it isn't even just erotica anymore. I like to THINK it serves some greater entertainment purpose, and with the rewrites the erotica is just some bonus in the background. In fact I'm having loads more fun on the politics and drama of the series rather than on the sex part, by now. If I could find a way to omit most of the sex scenes and still maintain the plot to write a tamer, R-rated version of the serial, I'd really love to do that to reach more readers. *thinks*

To state it simply, I don't want to be judged as some writer of sicko stories when those stories fit into a bigger context. I would fully understand if they were standalone stories and the whole underage thing was the entire point of the plot. Then, I would not post them because they would be purely exploitative. But with the Chronicles it's actually a small part of the plot by now, albeit an important one, and I'm afraid of the ENTIRE series being lambasted because of it. Or at the very least, of having to yank entire important chapters because of what amounts to several smaller scenes by now.

What brought this on was the deletion of someone else's story post on the other site where I am currently posting the Chronicles rewrites. From what I've heard it involved father-daughter incest and my first thought was, why did they delete THAT? Incest stories are very big on erotica sites, for whatever reason; it's not exactly taboo anymore if it's consensual. (And even if it wasn't, it would still probably be allowed!) When I asked what the posting criteria were so the website owner would not get in trouble, I was informed that only stories with children seemed improper, so far. So I'm guessing the story in question featured an underage character. That settled my worries, but only somewhat. For I don't know what exactly counts as "underage" on this site. My chapters with the fifteen-year-old Ki'amit were posted there long ago, and have not been deleted. Was it because that detail was not noticed, or because she's not considered underage?

So that's what's bothering me, what lines the Chronicles are crossing and when, because those lines vary according to site. I really don't want to have to yank my stories from there because it is a small, closed community which has provided me with no little bit of encouragement on that particular serial, and I would hate having to pull the entire thing because some of the characters are not the proper age. I'm not trying to excuse the fact that I wrote about something which is taboo. In fact can't you tell I feel very mixed up and confused and conflicted about all this?--I wish I'd never written it that way at all. But it's too late to alter most of it now without ruining the entire story, so I'm not sure what to do. I asked for clarification on what the proper age limit was, but I'm afraid to find out. I don't want to lose that readership because they have helped me greatly (they let me know that the plot additions have helped rather than hindered it, thank God!), but even more I do not want to endanger the webmaster by posting illegal material. I hate breaking rules. The problem is that I wrote something which tends not to be allowed by the rules ANYWHERE.

I'm not saying it should be, just that the context should be looked at. Is there a redeeming purpose to the entire work, or no? I can't say that there is, only that I want people to look and judge for themselves. If it turns out that yes, it's just smut, then I suppose I would pull it and the series would not be missed much.

And so...this has been bothering me. I thought in that particular forum, anything was allowed, but there are decency limits everywhere. I won't argue the limits, but I'm really not sure what to do if I find out they exclude my story. Excise the offending scenes and post the rest, plot holes included? Alter the ages and possibly affect the plot? Exclude the offending chapters entirely and offer to send them via e-mail to interested readers, who will probably not be confident enough to contact me and will thus miss out on the plot? Just stop posting the series completely? I haven't a clue. And that bothers me.

I hate that I write about taboo things...it makes me look so sick. I hate looking sick. What do you do when you feel compelled to write about the very things you hate? When people might mistake your writing for glorification? I'm shuddering right now...yuck. This is why I do not consider myself an erotica writer.

Bothersome Thing Number Two seems very silly in comparison to all the above...

Basically, my tape player is ruining some of my tapes. :( So far I've noticed my Crash Test Dummies God Shuffled His Feet tape and my Moby tape...er...wow, I can't remember the title. The one with "South Side" on it...Play? Is that what it's called? I only bought it for "South Side"...so far I've noticed those two have been kinked over my favorite songs. They were never ever eaten, so they must have been crimped during playback. I believe it's only the one deck on my dual-deck player which is doing it; maybe it's because the door is broken and it might close crookedly? I'm not sure; the door's been broken for quite a while but it's only in the past few days that I've noticed my tapes affected. This would not be a problem--just play them in the second deck--if the playback quality didn't vary so much. Some tapes play clearly only in deck one, some in deck two, some just as well in either. Last night I wanted to listen to my Vertical Horizon tape and it played fuzzy in deck two so I put it in deck one and...I think it started to crimp my tape! One of my FAVORITE tapes! :*( I'm so angry with myself over this. Once I got my Madonna tape eaten to pieces and yet I managed to extract it all, straighten it out, and it plays almost perfectly still, just a bit of fuzz in one spot. THESE crimps, the tape wasn't even eaten yet the playback seems ruined on Moby and CTD! So I'm afraid to listen to my Vertical Horizon tape lest I find out that yes, it has been ruined...plus I can't listen to and enjoy it anyway as it doesn't play clearly in the other deck. Stupid tape player! Why is it doing that!

I COULD simply play them in the big new CD/tape player I bought a while back...but it PLAYS THE TAPES TOO SLOWLY! It's hardly noticeable unless you listen to music a LOT, like I do...it plays CDs normally, but it plays tapes just a TEENY BIT too slow. I can notice it! It affects the tempo of the songs and everything. Why can't I find a decent CD/tape player combo that plays BOTH devices properly! I CAN'T! They don't exist!

So now I'm just wondering if I should simply buy yet ANOTHER cheap tape player to take the place of my current one...I go through these things about as fast as I go through VCRs, it seems, and that's fast. Well, the one I have now IS a bit old...I was thinking just the other day about how long I've had it, must have been a few years by now...I don't know if they have the same model anymore, and I hate investing in another dumb one especially since I just got that CD/tape player not long ago. What would Ma ask? "Why are you getting THAT thing??" She would not understand how badly a tiny change in playback speed bothers me...*sigh,* I wish I were not so damn anal.

What I REALLY need and want--what I've wanted for YEARS--is a tape-to-CD burner. THAT is all I want and need! A device that decently dubs tapes to CDs, so I can copy my 200-something tapes to CD and play them in the CD player. There is no way in HELL I can replace every one of my albums with store-bought CDs--far too costly, and many are older, obscure albums. (FYI, I use the word "album" to refer to an artist's or group's entire compilation of songs which fit onto one tape or CD--I am not referring to LPs. Okies?) We have tape-to-tape dubbers, and radio-to-CD burners; why the hell don't we have tape-to-CD dubber/burners? Or do we? I have never seen one advertised ANYWHERE. At least not for an affordable price. I saw a tape-to-tape dubber at Radio Shack a long time ago and it was so expensive I could not believe it--CASSETTE TAPE! I thought if anything involved audiocassette now it was considered anathema and was very cheap. (I am highly embarrassed just to be caught looking at the ever-dwindling audiocassette section nowadays. "She still buys those things? What an idiot!") For God's sake, why is there not a tape-to-CD dubber somewhere to just get me out of this mess. Let me copy the damn things to CD just for myself, and be able to just MOVE ON from cassette already. In this day and age, why they do not have such a device available for a decent price is beyond me, and severely pisses me off, to boot.

Or just a CD/tape combo player which PLAYS BOTH THINGS PROPERLY. Gawd! What does it take already?? I find a CD player with decent speakers, and it plays my tapes too slowly...I'll never be able to make the transition from tape to CD...UGH!!

So it very much bothers me that two of my tapes are likely ruined, one of my FAVORITE tapes is very possibly damaged, and the rest, I am just about too afraid to play them by now lest they get ruined too...and I get depressed when I can't play those things loud just about every night. :(

I'm sure there are other things bothering me but those are the main two. AGH! Did you know what I had originally planned on writing in here? Two very short paragraphs, not all the above. Sheesh.

I hope I do not get in trouble over my Chronicles for posting this entry. I hate the thought of yanking them from the site and replacing them with a request to e-mail me for objectionable chapters, especially since most readers of them are people who do not wish to rate or comment. I should have posted this in TUOJOT instead, but...it would have taken me ages just to write it all down... :(

Tar...