10-26-03 @ 10:05 am EST

I can't even mention what's bothering me in this entry. Do you know why? Because I made a vow to myself that I would not do that again. That for once I would not be the bitch if push came to shove, the way I always am. So while I can say how furious and hurt I am, I can't even say why. To do so would make me the bad guy that I always am, and I just feel I would not have to be the bad guy if it weren't for the thing which has made me feel this way today. The same thing which makes me feel this way every other time.

So I will not be a bad guy like I always am and like always I'll just keep it to myself. What's a decade or so of silence, I've done it before, I can do it again.

My earlier entry had hope, but the negative part I tried not to listen to was again right. There are just some things I am not meant to talk about. Whenever I bring them up, things fall into place and prevent it. I could have blamed circumstance...until I saw something today which seemed to prove otherwise. It wouldn't matter if I continued to speak about it here in Skew, it still wouldn't be heard.

And I can't even say why not.

This time can I keep my silent vow of not bringing it up again? It's the one issue which for some reason makes everything fall apart. I keep thinking I've learned, but I haven't. I guess I never will. I said I wouldn't even post THIS entry, as it's starting to turn me into the bad guy I always become, but I have to let out something. This is it. This is all, I hope.

But this time, after this entry, I will try my hardest never to bring it up again. I am tired of being the bad guy. I will just be silent now. If I'm silent, I can't be bad.