11-29-03 @ 11:27 am EST

Oh my Gawd. I can't believe that I'm actually going to do this. That I'm going to quote Evanescence lyrics in my personal journal. *cries in shame*

All right. Explanation. You see, I really have nothing against Evanescence. Well, not much. In fact when "Bring Me To Life" first came out on radio, I kinda liked it. Wasn't anything to write home about, but it was tolerable. Nice beat. Bla bla. Until...they started playing it over. And over. And over. And OVER. And EVERY SINGLE ANGSTY TEEN ON THE INTERNET STARTED QUOTING IT IN THEIR ONLINE DIARIES. I kid you not. I cannot count how many times I have seen that friggin' song quoted by some teen who thinks THEY have problems. "My mom won't let me go shopping--OOOOHHHH WAKE ME UP INSIDE!" I actually came across this banner ad on Diaryland once that was merely a blue background with black lettering that said, "Bring me to life...save me from the nothing I've become." "Hm," I thought, "an angsty teen. I'll check out the diary, see if they like to whine a lot like I do." What can I say, I like vicarious whining.

Well, I click, and what do I find...? Probably the CHEERIEST, HAPPIEST teenage GUY'S diary I have ever seen! He was not even angsty at all! What right did he have using Evanescence lyrics in his banner ad? I felt REALLY pissed off by that--it was the last straw. Now teens did not even have to identify with the angsty lyrics in order to quote them! He merely used popular lyrics to get idiots like me to click. For shame! At least be a depressing diarist if you must quote that song!

*takes breath* Anyway...so I really started DETESTING that damn song. I mean, it's okay if EVERYBODY likes it, but why must EVERY angsty (or even wannabe angsty, from the looks of it) teen quote it? I mean EVERY ONE? I can understand identifying with a song's lyrics--I am posting this one entry out of many, aren't I? (Do you not dare bring up Vertical Horizon or I shall smite thee!) But do that many people REALLY identify with "Save me from the nothing I've become"? I'm willing to bet that most teens have not ever felt that way. They think they have, but it was just teenage rebellion or mild dysthymia or hormones or something. Me? Well, I feel like I AM nothing, and I feel like I have no sense of self, but even I have never felt like I need to be saved "from the nothing I've become." I mean, come ON.

In time this irritation toward the many Evanescence-quoting teens turned into irritation toward Evanescence itself. I swear to God it's just like they looked up the diagnosis of BPD in a textbook and wrote a song based on it. The song is okay to listen to, but it's really overdone. I really do get the sense that when the man sings, he's freaking out and bouncing off the walls--but only pretending to. Because borderlines, they tend to freak out, y'know?

And oh yeah--just because she sings "Bid my blood to run" DOES NOT MEAN SHE'S TALKING ABOUT CUTTING!! Yes, she MIGHT be--only the artist can say for sure what they're talking about--but the way *I* interpreted it was, she feels unalive, and needs to feel alive again--hence her blood needs to run, while STILL IN HER VEINS. NOT out of her arms and down into the sink. I say this only because many of the angsty teens I have seen quoting the song are of the melodramatic cutter type. (Yes, there are really teens and adults who cut out of desperation or needing to feel alive, but I really doubt that the HUGE amount of self-professed cutters I have seen online would really be categorized as clinical self-injurers. Sometimes, people really do do it just for attention, and not because they need that attention. Hurting yourself for attention that you really do need and are not getting is a legitimate problem, but there are so many people who do it just for the sake of being cool that it pisses me off. Yeah, some people are really gonna hate me if they read this entry. Just let me remind you I've currently got a bruise on my arm and it didn't entirely get there by itself, but I'm not posting pictures of it or writing poetry about it or flaunting it around, either.)

Well, now that I've probably unintentionally pissed every reader off...? I didn't mean to, I just hate it when everybody jumps on this bandwagon of what is a legitimate problem just because it seems "cool"--it just makes it all that more difficult for people with a real problem to be taken seriously. (I need not bring up the many, many times I have gone seeking comradeship and comfort in SI forums and have been totally IGNORED just because I don't cut, but I will anyway.) And I hate it even more when they interpret the lyrics of a popular song to make it seem more cool. Especially when that song is played so much it DRIVES ME OUT OF MY FRIGGIN' MIND!!

Well, then out came "Going Under." It was also okay, and not as annoying or overblown as the first song. It's also not played nearly as much so it's more tolerable, but it still niggled at me, just because it was Evanescence. I had learned to detest their first song so much that I did not want to listen to anything even associated with them anymore. So even though I had nothing against the song, I would usually change the station when it came on. Every time I heard Evanescence on the radio it reminded me of just how overexposed this whole thing was, and how many people were using it to blow up their trivial problems to huge proportions. "We dated for three weeks, had sex, then he like DUMPED me! CALL MY NAME AND SAVE ME FROM THE DAAAARRRRRK!" Go see a shrink!

Then maybe a week ago I heard the tail-end of this BEAUTIFUL song on the radio. Enraptured, I scribbled down a few of the lyrics which I managed to catch before it ended, and pondered over who the musician might be. Was it Chantal? (For some reason every time I hear a song by a female singer I've never heard before I immediately assume it's Chantal. I'm always wrong, BTW.) I was so sure it was Chantal that I went out and found her album with "In This Life" on it, as I had been wanting that song anyway. No, it was not Chantal! *weeps* So I thought some more. Was it Dido? Turned out that the last time I had heard a song I was sure was by Chantal ("White Flag"), it turned out to be Dido. I even started pondering if maybe it was Sarah McLachlan--sounded kind of like her. I finally dug out the lyrics I'd scribbled down and plugged them in at Google. The result that popped up made my eyes goggle. It was...Evanescence!!

*weeps loudly & profusely*

DAMN YOU Evanescence for coming out with a song I LIKE!

Well...that song was "My Immortal." And I went and...became one of the millions of mindless drones who now own Evanescence's album Fallen. >_< I was so embarrassed merely picking that CD off the shelf. I couldn't believe I was actually BUYING the damn thing. I hate myself!

WELL. Now that I have confessed all that...and gotten it out of the way, and probably gotten those millions of other people mad (well, like they read this, hah!)...I listened to the album and...yes, I like it! Go to hell!! I hate you I hate you I hate you!!

But I still skipped listening to "Bring Me To Life" and "Going Under." And I will probably KEEP skipping those songs until they go off the radio for...a few years or so.

One thing that slightly bothers me though is that the album version of "My Immortal" is SLIGHTLY different from the radio version. In the radio version, there is a drum crescendo near the end of the song, as she sings the chorus. That is not on the album--there it's just strings and piano. It's not so bad that I'm pissed off by it (as I was when I got one of the Now! albums just for Kylie Minogue's "Love At First Sight," only to find it was some stupid-ass SLOW version without peppy music!--f**king Now! jerks!), but I really would like that drum version as well. I hate it when they play different versions on the radio and then you go out and buy the album and the song is different. Why do they do that? It's quite irritating. They could at least offer the drum version on the CD as a bonus track, couldn't they?

Well (I am bad at starting new paragraphs, so sue me)...I wanted to finally get to the point of this entry. Sheesh, I have not even quoted yet. I wanted to quote again two songs from the album, NEITHER of which is "Bring Me To Life" or "Going Under"! So there!

Those songs are "My Immortal," of course, and "Taking Over Me." Why those particular songs? Because...I have been working on the Ameni Chronicles lately, and Part 12 is almost finished. Part 13 is in progress. I've been thinking a lot about later scenes in which Lieutenant Djuta leaves the Great Red Tribe to take on General Nehara's forces on his own...and he doesn't tell either his mate Rithukh'het, or his beloved Lieutenant Resikh that he's going. He merely kisses Resikh in his sleep and...just leaves. This sets the scene for a LOT of agonizing and second-guessing on both Rithukh'het's and Resikh's parts...they love Djuta dearly, and know he loves them, but why would he just leave them like that, without even saying goodbye? Resikh is positive he will return, even if Djuta's abrupt disappearance confuses him, and he convinces Rithukh'het (who is with child by Djuta) to be patient and await his return; so Rithukh'het decides to believe him as well. But as time passes and Djuta still doesn't return, even the loyal Resikh's faith begins to waver. It's not so much that he doubts Djuta will ever return...he begins to feel that Djuta should NOT return. Why should he return to somebody as inferior to him as Resikh is?

I believe it's in the last posted part of the story (just checked, in fact it's 64, the next-to-last part) where Resikh finally relives his memories of his first time with Djuta. They have known each other since childhood, but it was only after an argument that they first made love. It turns out Resikh's long believed himself inferior to the other lieutenant, and just can't see what Djuta sees in him. He's angry because no matter how hard he tries, he can never be good enough. Of course Djuta attempts to disprove this--no one has ever made him fight harder to be best than Resikh has--but Resikh is somewhat like me in this regard...without that constant reassurance, he doubts himself, no matter what all the evidence to the contrary that he is a good Kana. And so Djuta's absence starts to wear on him heavily, until he finally breaks down and cries out Djuta's name at night. Where is he when he needs him most, when he can't believe in himself on his own?

When I read the lyrics to these two songs last night, Resikh and Djuta were the very first characters who popped into my mind, even before Charmian from Manitou Island. When I listened to the words I could just imagine Resikh thinking them as he ponders Djuta's absence. And so that is the reason why I wanted to quote these songs: They effectively illustrate what one of my characters is feeling, in the story I'm currently obsessed with.

MY IMMORTAL
Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

And the second...

TAKING OVER ME
Evanescence

You don't remember me
But I remember you
I lie awake and try so hard
Not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do...

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live, to breathe
You're taking over me

Have you forgotten all I know
And all we had?
You saw me mourning my love for you
And touched my hand
I knew you loved me then

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live, to breathe
You're taking over me

I look in the mirror and see your face
If I look deep enough
So many things inside that are
Just like you are taking over

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live, to breathe
You're taking over me

I swear it's just like I'm hearing Resikh's thoughts about Djuta when I hear those lyrics...I actually cried about it, because I can imagine how badly he's hurting in the story, wanting to believe, but not quite being able to, because the one thing he needs to believe just isn't there anymore.

See

ID: 655930 (Rated: XGC)
Title: The Ameni Chronicles: Part 64
Description: Rithukh'het pines for her missing master as Resikh pines for a lost friend...
By: Tehuti, Lord Of The Eight

just in case you want to know what I'm talking about...the part I'm describing starts out with "Why are you crying?", about halfway through.

Well, I have blathered long enough, and I am probably the only one who does not think this is completely hokey...and I hope this is the last time I quote lyrics for quite a while...what has this become, the music journal? *sigh* Tar...