12-03-03 @ 10:14 am EST

Violet entry. I think I'm owed one after a while.

And so it has been...about two months now. Actually longer than that, but that was when it ended, apparently. I wasn't going to say anything more but what the hell, I am always the bad guy, let me be the bad guy yet again. Seeing as I never get the final word anyway, because by then everyone but me has moved on. Without even telling me.

It was not so much the silence this time that hurt, though it did, as always. There was something that I thought warranted at least a small comment in my last note, but I received none. I guess that's what I deserve by now, though no one ever told me. In fact I've been told all along I deserve better, but actions speak louder than words, and actions have been speaking pretty loudly for the past several months, because this just keeps happening and happening and no matter what is said to the contrary, I don't see it changing any.

What hurt the most was that I actually worried for the better part of a month. I was honestly worried about another person besides myself. I can't say my worrying is completely selfless, but it's genuine, and it's not often that I do it for others besides me. I worried for a long time...then it appeared that my worrying either wasn't necessary, or wasn't as needed as I had thought. Either way, it doesn't seem to have mattered. It wasn't considered worthwhile enough to even let me know personally if my worrying was warranted or welcomed or not. I was never even told. I found out somewhere else that things were apparently okay; but I can't even say that for certain, because I was never informed, myself.

That was what hurt most, that my concern apparently meant nothing, not even a small notice that things were okay or not. I waited to see if I was wrong, but several chances have passed and things have not changed, and I am still in the dark. To think I was actually worried all that time when it appears I not only didn't need to be, but it wasn't even wanted. I'm an idiot for bothering to care about someone else's welfare. I should really stick to just worrying about me, because I'm probably the only person who ever will.

That was what hurt the most of all. I'm thinking now not only of the person who promised to write and never did and then ended up harassing me because I was not SPONTANEOUS enough, but of the person BEFORE him, who once told me she trusted me most of all, then when the time came to name the people she trusted most...I was not even among them. Nor was I ever the one she bothered getting back to. She could write to me well enough when SHE was in need of a shoulder to cry on, but heaven forbid I ever needed one; she even belittled my needs, once. Then it was not even worth her time to cry to me anymore. I just apparently vanished, in her eyes.

That's what happens, whenever I open up too much. To the few people I am still on good terms with, that's why I refuse to open up to you, or to cry on your shoulders. Because I know that like a hundred times before, THIS will happen, and once more I will be left wondering what it was that I did wrong. Because nobody ever bothers to tell me. I'm always left waiting and waiting and waiting until the fallout, and it's only when things go sour that I learn it's over, if I ever learn for certain at all.

And I never even get a last word, except in this journal. And by the time this entry is read, if ever, the matter will be so long past that it won't even matter anymore, if it ever did. Based on past events I have no reason to believe it will be read, since I never have closure and am never given reasons why this keeps happening every time I open my mouth. Without reasons I can only assume I am the cause of it (why else would it keep happening to me?), but that doesn't mean I can't feel anger, because I was told all along I deserved better than to be left hanging. At the very least I could have been told the truth. That I don't deserve anything resembling concern, that I don't deserve a two-way friendship. People keep telling me that I do, but based on actions, I guess they're lying to make me happy or whatever. I don't know why, they won't say. And if I ask too much they get pissed off and then it's over anyway.

This time it was not even due to my silence. I know that I spoke up frequently and promptly every time I was expected to. Even some times I was not expected to. My silence might have been the cause of me losing many other possible acquaintances (I've never denied it), but I know that wasn't the cause this time. So it must be something else. But what?

I don't know, and the person(s) who do know will never tell me. I never even get a why. Why do people keep telling me I need to trust and believe them when what I keep getting is broken promises and silence? Am I the only one who's gotten the hint that trust means nothing if promises are consistently not upheld? Am I the only one who by now, whenever I hear the word "trust," feels like running away because I know what it really means? Why do people even wonder why I don't trust anyone anymore?

And for this I am the one called a jerk because I refuse to trust anyone, ESPECIALLY when they tell me I should. Every time somebody told me I would have to trust them, I was let down. And I'll be damned if I can figure out why, because in every one of those cases I tried my hardest to trust and to keep their trust in return. Never works. Like I said the fault is probably on my end, but you can't blame me for saying enough is enough when it happens so many times and nobody even lets me know what I did wrong. You can't really blame me for having learned through actions rather than words that "trust" actually means "I'm going to be bored with you soon so you may as well just keep it all to yourself."

And for all of this, I am the one who gets to be the bad guy. This time will be no different; I will of course feel like a scum after posting this. I will feel like a scum if it is ever read. I will probably end up apologizing and apologizing and seeing the same thing happen yet again, and then waiting a few months and then posting another entry like this and then feeling like a scum again. But with the way things have been going for the past two (and more) months, I felt like a scum anyway. One more reason to feel like a scum shouldn't hurt too much. It's the closest thing to a final word I'll ever get.

Perhaps if I am lucky this entry, when/if it's finally read, will be the last straw. Perhaps there will be a snapping, like with him. The fallout will hurt me, but at least it will finally be over and I won't have to keep waiting and wondering why anymore. At least that is some kind of closure, if not the kind I had wanted.

It's sad when the best you can expect is a hateful end.

Nobody bother asking what this is about. Like I said, on the journal page is the only place I ever get the last word, like it matters. Because after I post, the hurt is always still there, and I still have no idea why.