12-21-03 @ 9:18 am EST

*sigh*...

#1. Fancy Title Not Coming Later
---->> ID #257983 entered on 09-24-03 @ 2:56 am EDT [Edit] [10 views]

#4. The Best Of Skew 3
---->> ID #259439 entered on 10-01-03 @ 10:28 am EDT [Edit] [9 views]

#11. Mental
---->> ID #265041 entered on 11-06-03 @ 10:55 am EST [Edit] [8 views]

#14. The French Aren't So Worthless After All
---->> ID #267157 entered on 11-23-03 @ 2:55 am EST [Edit] [7 views]

#17. Coming To
---->> ID #268715 entered on 12-07-03 @ 11:26 am EST [Edit] [6 views]

#20. Plot Ideas Part 3
---->> ID #269010 entered on 12-10-03 @ 10:56 am EST [Edit] [5 views]

#23. It Goes On
---->> ID #269804 entered on 12-18-03 @ 10:09 am EST [Edit] [4 views]

It'll probably be down to two views per entry pretty soon...as I know of only two people who might be reading this thing anymore... :/ Sorry to whine about something so dumb--journals are meant to be primarily for those who write in them--but it's disappointing that some user'(s') grudge against me using my own space to vent is now making it virtually impossible for anyone to even notice this thing anymore...it no longer shows up in the listings, and nobody has reason to venture very far into my port for it...

I even had to make my dream journals unrateable, as somebody rated DF2 with a 3.5...yet didn't review, of course...and get this, I also believe they didn't even so much as LOOK at any of the entries...at least, none of the newer ones had any hits to them...how's that for constructive criticism? Who rates a journal without even bothering to read any of it? Asinine, if you ask me. I bet the description was too difficult for them to understand and so they rubbed their head and said "Duhhhhhh..." and clicked on the 3.5. Only thing that makes sense, aside from possibly jealousy.

So none of my journals show up anymore. Really nice.

Sometime soon I'm going to do away with the Best of Skew as it serves no purpose anymore. Oh well.

Anyway, there's something else that's really bothering me, but I'll try to wait until the beginning of February to comment on that...just to make sure...so I cannot be accused of being too impatient yet again, as I've been pretty damn patient so far and just like before it's all been for nothing. I suspect it's the exact reason I think it is, but I'll wait until the holidays are over, just to be sure...and by then if it's still the same, it will have been about...four months. Wow, a third of a year. Impressive for somebody who said they cared about me...

Well, at least I have plenty of jigsaw puzzles at the moment to keep me busy. We went to KMart the other day to browse, but they did not have a good selection of CDs...I am still stymied or...kept...or whatever...sorry, my mental thesaurus just kicked out... :/ ...from finding Vertical Horizon's Everything You Want or Genesis's We Can't Dance on CD, or Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You Dance" pop version single...I suppose I shall have to get them online somehow. Poo. I find it hard to believe I can't find EYW since it came out only a few years ago...oh get this, I saw that album on last Thursday's CSI! Warrick was looking around in some guy's room and he picked up a CD and it was VERTICAL HORIZON!! I recognized the waterskiing girl on the cover! :D SHAMELESS PLUG! Well, the band was not named, but I recognized the CD, at least...anyway...

Oh yeah, KMart. They did not have those cool journals I saw there the last time, either. Some smaller overpriced ones, but not those really big cheap ones like before. Fooey! Every time I decide to put off buying something, they stop carrying it. :( Just like whenever I settle into buying a favorite product, they stop carrying it...I keep searching in vain for that Chai tea at Wal-Mart. They carried it only for a few months...suckasses. Sorry, I needed a better word than asses or suckwads, and that was the only thing that came to mind. o_o I really loved that tea, too.

I've been writing a lot lately on RTMI...just ask Poet and the other reader... o_o; The only reason is because I'm so stalled on all my other writing! I've been wanting to write this rough future scene with She'hekha and a new character in the Chronicles for ages, but I don't have the right "mood," and you just can't write that kind of stuff if you're not in the right "mood" or it ends up looking like crap...witness "Luther Broderick/Selena/Stacie"...blah. So Charmian it is. The latest part was just posted...

ID: 791773 (Rated: 13+)
Title: Part 29: The Secret Of The Wolves
Description: Charmian learns something strange from the manitou Geezhigo-Quae...
By: Tehuti, Lord Of The Eight

...and the several parts before that came out in short succession. Ugh. I just KNOW I'm going to stall out soon. Get this, Charmian's going to get plastered in an upcoming chapter. I can't really explain why at the moment, but it should become clear when it happens...I'm just wondering what I'll title that chapter, as ANY reference to drunkenness is FORBIDDEN in short descriptions around here, unless I want my PG-13 story to be rated NC-17 (I'm sorry, GC, which STILL looks as if it means "General Content")...

Really, I do understand the intentions of the rating system, but what if somebody is writing an item trying to educate children against the dangers of drugs and alcohol? What will they entitle it--"Things That Are Bad For You"? That's about the only title one could give a drug or alcohol awareness item aimed even at kids around here, since apparently kids are not even supposed to KNOW about drugs or alcohol...the rating system kind of does away with the purpose of drug prevention and such--you know, not too different from those filters that prevent kids from doing research on "breast" cancer...*shrug*, not that they care what I think...though I really am curious how somebody would write and post such an item. I learned about drugs--from the DARE program--when I was in elementary school, yet on this site you have to be at least thirteen to read about such a thing--junior high age. And I don't know if it's normal or not, but I am certain I knew what "rape" meant when I was at least ten or eleven, maybe even younger, which means I had to know what "sex" meant, as well. Kind of weird, the overprotectiveness of this site, it seems...

I forgot what I was even talking about! O_o I think I was going to talk about dreams. *four(?) remaining readers groan* Well sorry, but you'll just have to deal with it, or else skip the rest of this entry. *four(?) remaining readers close the browser & log off* I want to kinda summarize a dream I had in September of 1996. It's NOT going in my dream journal, yet, as it has not been transcribed yet; this is just a summary of what I listened to on the tape yesterday. A very weird dream which I no longer remember (really, listening to those dreams in my own voice on tape is like me hearing completely new things, I don't even remember saying most of them), but which I found curious enough to comment on.

This is sort of summarized as the beginning part was odd and didn't fit in with the rest. I was driving around Petoskey (which is weird since I'm usually a passenger, or don't know how to drive, in my dreams), and there were two roads I could take--the lakeshore road, or a higher road. I was on the higher one but wanted to take the lower one, but it disappeared. I found it again and started driving it but it was all rocky; but there was some weird thing that had to do with erosion which made it easier to drive over. Then I was riding my bike instead. I can't remember exactly how this goes but I got off my bike, I guess, and...this wave came in and pulled my bike into the lake! I stepped into the water to wait for my bike to come back. It did--the water was REALLY cold--and I grabbed my bike away from the undertow and rescued it. I think the dream shifted here and now I was a male and was in a strange land, and I seemed to be searching for water to drink--so I guess the lakewater was undrinkable. I went toward a place where the trees formed an archway over the lakeshore and here I met a fat man.

I asked him, "Where can I find water to drink?"

He pointed. "There's a spring over there...but you'll have to ask the frogs for water."

I went to the spring and there were three frogs here--a big one, a little yellow one, and a little green one. I tried to drink from the spring, but the frogs were guarding it. So I grabbed the big frog, yet when I opened my hand it jumped away. So I grabbed the little yellow frog next, I believe. And...I held it over my mouth, and squeezed it, and WATER dripped out of its mouth and into mine!! :O Just a few drops--and it was fragrant, like perfume. Not much, but I thought, "Oh well, it's better than nothing." Then I put the frog back down and returned to the fat man.

"I want to repay the frogs for their kindness," I said. "How can I do that?"

"That's simple," the fat man replied. "You can repay them by having sex with them."

O_O

"WHAT?" I exclaimed. "They'd find THAT an honorable payment??"

"Well, they're not actually frogs," the man said. "They are women who were turned into frogs, and they would consider it an honor to have your children." (Remember, I was a guy in this dream.)

o_o;; Well...I didn't go into detail on the tape, so I guess the dream skipped over that part. But yes, the frogs were in fact women who had been changed into frogs...and I guess I had sex with them! Yipes. The dream shifted again here and grew kind of garbled...I was now in the bathtub, splashing around a lot as I pretended some of this story, and at some point I guess at least one of the frogs, now in human form, had had my child and then returned to her own land...I dunno. But as I was pretending in the tub--I can't remember why, but now I had to fight two knights--the Green Knight and the Black Knight.

Green and black? I don't know. But that's what I said.

The fat man sent the Green Knight to fight with me. He was supposed to be the good guy. We started fighting, but he said, "I'll throw the fight and let you win," and I won. The fat man, who had been jolly before, was angry about this, and sent the Black Knight to fight me. I expected the Black Knight to be evil, but when we met I knew he would throw the fight too, if I asked him. I never did get to finish my fight with him though. There was a bit more but like I said it was garbled and didn't seem to fit in...

I had to stop the tape at that point. What a weird dream! It seems very symbolic, on the surface, though I'm clueless as to what it could all mean. I've tried looking at the individual symbols--car. Driving. Water. Undertow. Bicycle. Rocks. Arch. Fat man. Trees. Spring. Frogs. Three. Green. Yellow. Drinking. Perfume. Sex. Knights. Two. Black. And I figure that this dream has SOMETHING to do with fertility or procreation (even if merely symbolic) somehow, what with the recurring themes of water and sex, but I'm not sure what.

Firstly I mulled a little over the initial impression *I* get of the different symbols involved.

Car--means of transport, something I actually do not know how to drive well in real life.

Driving--being in control or command of one's fate. (As I said I am usually just a passenger, or else lose control of my driving in my dreams.)

Water--the unconscious, feminine, emotions, primeval.

Undertow--something ominous, something which takes away and can kill--a great compelling power. The pull of the unconscious.

Bicycle--means of transport. (I used to bicycle frequently, but my bike has grown too small.)

Rocks--earth, obstacles, difficulty in travel.

Arch--safety, protection, inclusion (as in a tunnel enclosing something), beauty (arches are often beautiful decorations).

Fat man--wise man, jolly man, prosperity.

Trees--nature, growth--the tree has a much more important symbolism than merely this (World Tree, Tree of Knowledge, etc.), but to me it's a highly personal symbol of what I love most about nature, so that's how I tend to see it primarily. Trees make me feel happy and safe. I did not feel that so much back when I had the dream though.

Spring--water, i. e. emotions, feminine, unconscious; hidden, source of healing or wisdom.

Frogs--fertility, feminine, something which is ugly but nimble.

Three--trinity, a magical number.

Green--life, creation, fertility, prosperity, newness, illness. (Also more important to me personally as green is the color of trees.)

Yellow--cheer, vibrancy, light, warmth, cowardice.

Drinking--sating thirst, acquiring wisdom.

Perfume--magical properties? (I must admit I do not pay much attention to things like perfume, but in connection with the frogs and the water in the spring I sense a greater meaning to it. If it were just perfume in my dream, my first thoughts would in fact be "Facades, covering up something unpleasant, sexual/romantic attraction.")

Sex--well, DUH! But also creation in a symbolic sense, completion, or union of opposites.

Knights--warriors, chivalry, honor, the Hero, the Animus. (Or as I was a guy in this dream, possibly the Self?)

Two--male and female, opposites, opponents.

Black--darkness, hidden, the unconscious, the unknown, night, evil. (I actually hesitate saying "evil" as I don't really think any elements in dreams are truly evil--just good, neutral, and misunderstood.)

I then looked some of these up in my most reliable dream dictionary, How To Interpret Your Own Dreams (In One Minute Or Less) by Tom Chetwynd...I say "most reliable," as I find the definitions often agree with or complement my own--the dreamer is the only person who can TRULY say what their own symbols mean for sure--and most other dream dictionaries are just a bunch of predictive hooey, IMO. (Miller's 10,000 Dreams Interpreted, while impressive looking, is just so much pap, if you ask me--all of the "You will acquire a substantial windfall" or "You will find love" variety, blech. I bought it in hardcover form a long time ago before I knew how dumb it is. It's available online--public domain, I believe. Go check it out if you want. Here you go: http://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=926 But if you want a much better dictionary, try Chetwynd's instead.)

Here are general summaries that I got of the symbols above from Chetwynd's book, at least, the ones I could locate...

Car--sexual drives (pun), moving on.

Driving--drives (pun), journeys, independence, mastery over one's destiny.

Water--the womb, primeval creation, rebirth, cleansing (can't believe I forgot that one), feminine, unconscious. (In my dream the water was a lake--"a special haven toward which the dreamer is struggling.")

Undertow--NA, but for "Drowning" is losing consciousness, forgetting, repressing, and for "The tide rising" is increasing love/emotion.

Bicycle--"Bicycling"--puberty, adolescence, masturbation. (I didn't say I ALWAYS agreed with Chetwynd...sometimes a bike is just a bike. ^_^ Also for the definition of "Riding" is given erotic attachment, passion, mastery, conquest, and the conscious directing of energy. While I can easily see riding a horse as being possibly sexual in nature (especially considering the turn some of MY dreams have taken!), I don't view riding a bike as being that way...but that's just me. Maybe I'm in denial er somethin'.)

Rocks--sterility, the earthy. (Please note the rocks served a sort of purpose as an obstacle in my dream--I expected them to be difficult to drive over. So while rocks alone may have one meaning, I think they had a completely different meaning in my dream--as potential obstacles or hindrances. But I still see their possible connection to the Earth.)

Arch--pubic arch (again take note I don't always agree with Chetwynd! But who knows, trees can be feminine symbols, and with all the other symbols in this dream...).

Fat man--there is no definition of what a fat man might symbolize, but in my dream he served a purpose as a giver of knowledge, so I believe he might have been a representation of a guide or wise old man of some sort. I don't know if women are supposed to dream of the Wise Old Man (a male archetype), but that's what he strikes me as. And besides, I WAS a male in this dream.

Trees--life, growth, the male principle (though wood itself can be feminine).

Spring--source of life, mystic healing, the original source, inner potential.

Frogs--transformation, sexuality (from its association with the snake). (I got my idea of the frog representing fertility and the feminine from my study of Egyptian mythology.)

Three--male genitals, father/mother/child, trinity.

Green--growth, vitality, life, hope, inexperience, jealousy, illness.

Yellow--extroverted intuition, cowardice.

Drinking--nourishment, desire to return to babyhood. "Thirst"--sexual desire.

Perfume--NA, but under "Smell": intuition.

Sex--love, longing for closeness, union. "If a child is born of the union in the dream: The 'conjunction' of the inner alchemy from which the Self emerges whole." (At least one of the frog women had my child, though the baby itself didn't play a part in the dream.)

Knights--NA, but knights are a masculine "heroic" figure...so these two could fall under the "Hero" archetype. Again, this is a part of the male dreamer's self, not the female dreamer's...but also again, I was male in the dream. The knights could have been the Hero if I was supposed to be male, or they could have been my opposite--maybe the Animus?--if I was really meant to be female when I fought them. A confusing issue--I hate how I keep switching genders in my dreams!! >_<

Two--duality, two halves of something, masculine/feminine, harmonious relationship, either/or, conscious/unconscious. (Here's something interesting: "Two parallel roads or railway tracks: Being heterosexual or homosexual: being married or being a bachelor, etc. Sharing or halving. 'Number Two': excrement." Remember the two roads at the beginning of the dream?)

Black--mourning, death (ah!--I forgot those meanings--otherwise I would have included them too), depression, obscurity, secrets, the unconscious, earthiness, passivity (ditto!--remember the meaning of the yin-yang, after all), feminine.

Bla bla bla...like I said already, there seems to be some emphasis on fertility or creation of some sort in the dream, though the specifics elude me. The fact that I took on the role of a man just confuses me even more, because I don't know if that counts regarding what archetypes show up or not. In a woman's dream male characters usually represent the Animus or some opposite of the dreamer, whereas female characters usually represent aspects of the Self, the Shadow, etc. But if you are a female who in the dream is a male, does that make any difference in the meaning of the characters who appear? I have no clue. I should try to find out somehow but I'd probably be ignored or thought stupid or something. o_o

Well, anyway...there was an entry I came across purely by accident in the same book, and it startled me...that entry is the one for the subheading "The Intruder," under the definition for "People":

The Intruder (a burglar, a tramp, a salesman, etc.). **The Shadow. Or, in a woman's dream, her Animus (+ ARCHETYPES). The dreamer invariably tries to keep him out, but once he does get in (after a change in the dreamer's conscious attitude), he usually turns out to be helpful in some later dream: **There is something the dreamer needs to know, must recognize, usually about himself. With this new understanding, which seems suspect at first, comes the potential of maturity which may renew the individual's life.

There's more but it concerns sexual relationships, bla bla bla. The reason this entry stuck out for me is it reminded me immediately of my "Watchers" dreams. Remember those ones? I'm in the house and there are a bunch of kids outside peering in the windows, and I run frantically from window to window, trying to cover them all and lock the doors? Yet I usually fail somehow, so some windows remain uncovered and, in the worst case scenario, the kids even make it into the house and confront me? I have always regarded this recurring dream as a social anxiety dream, as that's why I feel so terrified about confronting the kids--they stand outside and stare at me and grin, and I feel put on the spot, invaded, like I have no privacy, and like every little thing I do is being observed. I try to maintain my privacy and my safe shelter but always fail, which leads to me confronting these watchers and usually feeling even worse.

There have been I think three exceptions so far, however, that I can remember, when I confronted these watchers directly rather than continuing to hide from them. One was another old dream I have yet to transcribe to journal, and when I transcribed it to paper I was surprised I had even had such a dream way back then. In it, I was in the basement and I observed a girl student who was slightly younger than myself (I was in college at the time I had this dream, yet in my dreams I usually feel younger, like a teenager), a girl who I did not like (she was somebody I vaguely knew from real life as a sort of snob who lived just down the road with an equally bratty family--none of the kids had any discipline), walking down the road past my house after getting off the bus. She was littering in our yard. I yelled out the basement window at her, calling her a "bitch" and telling her to knock it off. She heard me and came to the house. Alarmed, I ran and locked the door and everything, yet when I got into the living room and turned around--there she was! There was nowhere for me to hide. So I had to confront her. I told her I was sorry for calling her a bitch--I shouldn't have done that--but it made me angry when she littered on our property--it wasn't right. She seemed surprised and said, "It's something I do without even thinking--I didn't even know I was doing it." I was just as surprised as she seemed to be, to hear her say this--I'd just assumed she didn't care for our property! She turned out to be not half the bitch I thought she was. We both ended up making up, and then...we went driving downtown...and then the dream shifted into some weird rodeo dream featuring Clint Eastwood. O_o But suffice it to say it ended when we drove off. (Though when I was in the car I noticed I had not buckled my seatbelt, and felt bad for having chastised her when I myself wasn't following proper custom.)

In a more recent dream (I believe it's called "Confronting The Watchers," in my dream journal), again there were some people younger than myself hovering around outside my house, and instead of hiding, I decided to go outside to meet them. It turned out they were rather friendly and had nothing against me. The dream was pretty vague and then involved something having to do with Harry Potter... O_o ...but again, that was basically how it went.

The third exception was very much an exception in that the watcher was an older male (almost ALWAYS my watchers are kids or teenagers, younger than I am and usually in groups--the first dream above was an exception to that rule as well)...I think this dream might be in my journal but I can't remember its title. As I remember it the man was outside the house peering in the windows and then maybe Dad invited him in as he was a salesman or something...sorry I can't remember it better...and unlike the other two dreams, I did not like him at all--he didn't mock me, but I sensed insincerity and malice from him, despite his crooked grin. This dream does not seem to go along with the first two; I only mention it because it involved a direct confrontation with the Watcher(s) involved, even though I did not speak to the man, Dad did all that.

One dream that might have been semi-related, but maybe not, was one in which I was inside the house, naked, and peering out the window, and a policeman outside saw me and came to the house, thinking perhaps I had been assaulted. The truth was I was just naked because I think I was getting ready to go to bed, yet the "invasion of privacy" feeling I had was just the same. Another dream that could count as a "Watcher" dream yet might not was "Tehuti Vs. The Creepy Knife Guy!", but in that one the person involved was inside the house almost immediately, with no spying involved--HE was even surprised to see ME. Only the "invasion of privacy" aspect was the same. Again, as you might remember, the outcome of the confrontation was negative (he tried to stab me, yet I ended up stabbing him instead).

*cough* Sorry about all of that...what I was getting at was, the dictionary hints that the "Watchers" dreams might not be the "social anxiety" dreams I thought they were. All the dreams feature me trying to shut out some unpleasant aspect and invariably failing to some degree. There's a huge amount of rage, anxiety, and dread involved in the thought of losing my feeling of safety. In the most recent "Watchers" dream ("The Friggin' Watchers Again!"), I even told the children outside about my social anxiety, but this didn't stop them from grinning and spying on me, and me from shutting them out.

I'm always curious about the whole Shadow deal. I can't be positive that I've ever seen it in my dreams. It is supposed to take the form of something quite unpleasant to face--if a person, then of the same gender as the dreamer. One likely candidate for Shadow would be AmyJo from "High School Revenge"--a bully who pushes me in the school hallway. I act against nature and trip her when she passes by me again--in effect, becoming just like her. In real life AmyJo grew up to be not half bad a person, but when we were little I detested her. There were lots of people I detested when I was in school for how they treated me without cause--in elementary school it was people such as Jason C., Dale C., Justin B., and Jason B., among various females whose names I can't recall (including AmyJo); in junior high some of the biggest, but not the only, offenders were Brian H., Josh H., Adam L., and Jessica F. (after attending a student support group, Brian and Adam turned out to be quite friendly--Adam was even a funny person, once I got to know him--though Josh did not change; and as for Jessica, I was shocked to learn that I had attended a birthday party of hers when we were little children--I had seen the pictures, but I had not had any clue that the person I knew as a bully had once apparently been an acquaintance of mine!). And in high school, the two biggest bullies turned out to be two girls I did not even know--Vicky R. and Carrie P. (I learned their names by looking at their "mugshots" in the yearbook. They were a year older than I was--ooh, mature!) To this day I still wonder why they targeted me. These were the people I loathed growing up, and even though some of them outgrew their bullying phase and turned out to be decent people, I still feared them greatly when I was younger. Heck, the occasional bully has continued even into the online world--I needn't remind you of C., though I will, and of another who will remain unnamed...all of these people enraged me with their invasions of my privacy and safety whenever they mocked me and made me feel uncomfortable enough to hide from them and change my routines. (Witness me waiting after lunch way on the other side of the school, inconveniencing myself, just to escape Vicky and Carrie, and lying low on my favorite websites to escape the other two just mentioned.)

I try not to hate people, but I hated what these people did most of all in how unsafe, how powerless, they made me feel. The Shadow is supposed to be made up of all the things in ourselves which we cannot face, and in dreams it appears as that person or thing which we loathe the most, the combination of all those things we detest the most in others but really just can't see in ourselves. If this were so I always figured my Shadow would be bigoted, tactless, inconsiderate, closeminded, ignorant, selfish, etc., as these are the traits I hate most in others, even if I do recognize them in myself at times. (Too often. *sigh*) Yet Shadows are also supposed to contain the GOOD parts of ourselves that are unrealized, that we just can't see...I'm guessing that would mean my Shadow would be brave, forthright, outspoken, self-confident, powerful, and able to take charge of itself. Those, at least, are all the traits I do NOT possess...so I guess it stands to reason that they would be the undeveloped, unrealized traits I COULD possess if I were a better person, so they must be hiding out in my Shadow somewhere. I'm only going on what I've read; who knows, I really don't see those traits anywhere in myself at all.

The dictionary hinted that "intruders" could represent the Shadow trying to break through, and the dreamer trying to shut it out, as dreamers tend to do whenever they see the Shadow. (Who can blame them!) I honestly never even thought of that. I hate the Watchers in my dreams so much, it's possible they could be a Shadow symbol. The only thing I don't get is...they are almost always YOUNGER than I am...what does that mean? And they are of different genders, usually male AND female...and the Shadow is usually supposed to be of the same gender as the dreamer--in my case, female. The littering neighbor in my old dream, and the smirking little girl in my latest Watchers dream? They could very well be Shadow symbols. But what about all the others? It mentions that intruders in women's dreams could represent the Animus (the knife guy could, at least, I will concede that much), but when the male intruders arrive in the company of female intruders, what does THAT mean? Do they all represent the same thing or not?

I could work on the theory that rather than being individual people, the Watchers could just be considered one object/force, without gender...I think the Shadow can appear as monsters and animals and such, and their gender isn't always clear. To me the Watchers always represented bullies and the loss of my safety--how I FEEL about specific people--rather than specific people, anyway. I really don't think "High School Revenge" was just about AmyJo. I have to wonder if the Shadow could arrive in the form of a crowd of sneering bullies. Bullies were always my symbolic Shadow all throughout school. I want to say that I was never the way they were, that I would never mock people and intrude on their privacy the way they did, but...on at least a few occasions I know I HAVE mocked people, behind their backs, and felt so ashamed about it afterwards...and I can't say if I've invaded anyone's sense of privacy, but I very well could have. I know I'm pushy for attention sometimes, and that might be an invasion of someone's privacy. (That's probably what drove off the person I am giving until February, I bet.) Who knows? These actions make me feel horrible, and that's usually how someone is supposed to feel when they confront their Shadow and learn they can be just like it is, horrible...

*crickets chirping*

Yeah, I know, you're not reading this anymore...what paragraph did I lose you on? I bet it was right when I mentioned "dream," wasn't it? No surprise, I'm even boring myself now...

Anyway, summary, I'm now wondering if I've been confronting my Shadow all along in my dreams, I just assumed they were anxiety dreams all this time. Well, I hate the things that cause me anxiety, so who's to say both ideas aren't right? The younger age and varying genders of the Watchers still bother me, though...maybe their constant youth represents how I had to face them the most when I was younger and in school, but if that's so it seems like I would be/feel younger in the dreams, myself...when in truth I always feel older than the Watchers. So I don't get that part at all. :/

I am honestly, seriously bored and this has probably taken up like 50kb of my journal space, and only four or even fewer people are even going to click on it, and probably not even read half of it, so tar for now...