01-17-04 @ 10:53 am EST

I read an entire chapter of a book today. It took a couple of hours, and lots of squirming and stalling, but I did it. The other day I proofed 3500 words of a Chronicle, and two other days about 2500 words each. The book was about a vampire ghost or something, supposedly nonfiction. Bleh, not what I typically read, but I pulled it off the shelf...I must've bought it for some reason in the past...and browsing through it I stopped to read a few times, so I decided I'd try it out. First chapter, about twenty pages. Little paperback pages, yes, but still.

I wonder how many words that was.

I took a B-12 (is it hyphenated?) vitamin yesterday in the hopes that that might help, though I'm skeptical. I read somewhere once that B-12 promotes circulation, and thus enhances memory. I figured, you need concentration to memorize things, so why shouldn't B-12 help concentration, too? Plus if it doesn't help that at least it's promoting circulation and with my poor state I could use as much circulation as I can get. So even though it's most likely just a dumb placebo thing, I decided it couldn't hurt. I've never put much stock in all the wonders attributed to vitamins. They're good for health, yes, but they're not cure-alls, and B-12 is not Prozac. I used to blame all this trouble on my ADD and the Net but I'm growing to believe the OCD is more to blame. I KNOW what I'm reading, and I can pay attention to it (to a point), but I keep stalling and re-reading just in case I misunderstood or didn't quite get it...it's like I have no more confidence in my reading comprehension. Even while I know I'm understanding most of it (what the ADD doesn't make me miss, that is), some part of my brain just keeps insisting I'm not getting it. I really just want that part of my brain to shut up. I want to be able to read a book WHERE I want to, WHEN I want to.

I'm tired of having to wait until everyone is gone or asleep and it's dead quiet, and then having to read out loud, and then for only a certain number of words, in order to "understand" what I'm reading.

I want to be able to proof my Chronicles without having to mumble over the friggin' sex scenes because I'm too timid to read them out loud even when I'm alone!! >_<

I just want to be able to read like I used to, and enjoy it like I used to. I would do almost anything to have that one thing back. I never realized how much I would miss reading until I realized I could barely do it anymore.

Well, I have lots more to say, including whining, but who cares, and I should just go now anyway. Tar...