02-05-04 @ 10:53 am EST

How long will it take me to type up today's entry? Starting around 9:30 AM...

This entry is directed at another journal entry posted recently. I don't know if it will be read or not but if it makes no sense to the other...hm...however many people reading this, then that's why.

I apologize for making this a public entry, but at the moment I don't feel comfortable enough sending a one-on-one e-mail. I don't e-mail people if I get the feeling they don't want to write to/hear from me, which is why I have not attempted to say anything aside from what I've said in Skew yet. I'll leave it up to the other party to initiate anything if they still want to if they see this entry.

Firstly, yes, the private entry is about this subject. It's not as vicious as the "anonymous" journal entry from May/June, but it's longwinded, and even though I didn't intend it to be, it might come across as hurtful at points, so even though that entry pretty much clarifies everything that's been going through my mind since October, I don't think I'll take it off private just yet. To summarize it without going into detail, it pretty much asked what was wanted for this correspondence to work, as I assumed there must be some fault on my part--I'm asking too much, I'm boring, the correspondence wasn't wanted in the first place, whatever. I'm sorry if I'm paranoid for always thinking this, but I really had nothing else to go on, I HAD been pushy with all the "Read this, read that"s, and it had been a long time. Every time that's happened with someone in the past, I never heard from them again, so I tend to assume that's what it means whenever it happens again.

The last time this happened, although I'm not sure how, it was suggested that I had given the impression I did not want to be written to. That's entirely possible, given how I am. I know I didn't give that impression this time, but it was clarified that we should try to be clear with each other when something is wrong. If it's too difficult to do it in e-mail, then by journal is fine, or however else. So even though I have never been the best person at keeping communication open, I vowed to try as hard as I could to make it work, if the other party was willing to do the same. I'm really not trying to lay blame here, though I'm still rather hurting from it so if my words come across as harsh, it's not intended. I'm just trying to lay things out as I saw them. I was willing to try to be as clear as I could about where things stand. I thought I wouldn't be the only one. A reason's been given now, so I won't sit here and bitch about it, but I just want to say this.

If there's some sort of problem...please say so. I know I'm hostile a lot of the time, but I truly don't bite heads off if someone is tactful but honest with me. Truthfully, the only three things I would have reacted to negatively are:

1. Brushing me off. This was the response I got from the first (and last) two people I had brought up this subject with. To summarize:

Other person: "Hey Tehuti, did you ever consider this theory...?"

Me: "No, I hadn't. Interesting. Could you let me know why you thought of that theory?"

*waits a long while, gets no response, then sends another message*

Me: "Hi, I was wondering if you could fill me in on what you thought of that theory you offered. Any reason why you offered that one?"

Other person: "Oh, hi, Tehuti...oh...no real reason...never mind. I don't have time to talk right now, sorry...maybe some other time."

I'm not exaggerating, that was practically how both exchanges went--they were the ones who first offered an interesting suggestion, then when I tried to get them to elucidate, they were suddenly nowhere to be found. And when I finally got in touch with them again, they no longer cared, sounded as bored as hell, and said they would write back later...and never did. That was B. and C. I thought we were pretty close for a time, but I was apparently wrong.

2. Lashing out at me. In essence, something like this:

Me: "Hey, I was wondering if you could clarify that theory you offered me..."

Other person: "Would you just f**k off already? I'm sick of hearing from you! Go away! I have more important things to do than write to you all the time!"

...which has never really happened yet, but it's what I pretty much expect nowadays.

And lastly

3. Never getting back to me. I don't need to explain this one... But it's already known how I react to never hearing from people again, when so far we have been communicating regularly or at least semi-regularly. So while I realize and think I understand the reasoning, and will try not to blame, this wasn't a good approach to take...all this time I truly believed I was wrong about somebody yet again, and they were just like all the others who forgot about me. And I agonized over what I could have done wrong this time, when I was so sure I had done everything right. I didn't have any knowledge to tell me this was otherwise. I'm really trying not to sound blaming here although I know I'm failing; I'm just trying to describe what I felt. Especially after this had happened already a few months prior, and we had clarified what to do so it shouldn't happen again--what else could I think but that my e-mails weren't wanted anymore? I didn't know why, and that really hurt me. I spent the past several months alternating between anger toward the other and anger toward myself, and cried about it a lot--I really had no idea what I'd done, but I was SURE I'd done SOMETHING, even if it was just to trust the wrong person. (I actually got pissed off whenever that Christina Aguilera song talking about trusting that "voice within" came on--all I could think was, "What if that voice keeps telling you to NEVER TRUST ANYONE AGAIN?--should you listen to it THEN?" This is how my mind free-associates...) I'm still leery of posting this entry lest that little warning voice of mine STILL turn out to be right. All those times I ignored it in the past, and it was right...why not again? I realize why people get offended whenever I tell them I can't trust them because a bunch of OTHER people in the past let me down, but when the pattern repeats itself enough times...what else can I expect? If I weren't so desperate for attention, I really would have just given up on everybody by now. I often wish I WOULD already.

I'm just not sure what it was that made it seem as if telling the truth would have been worse than not replying at all. I guess both options seemed equally lousy? If it wasn't known...then me hearing the truth, even if it's one I don't want to hear, is way WAY better than never knowing at all, what happened, if it was my fault or not. In the private entry I even encouraged an angry attack over silence, because at least then I know where I stand and the thing is over. Anything is better than never knowing for sure. At least if I am attacked, I know whose fault it is, if it was mine or not, and even being yelled at and called names is some kind of closure.

I'm going to number the other journal entry paragraphs now, and respond to them point by point, so I do not post private information by having to quote it. (There are five paragraphs.) This won't make much sense to other readers, but I already said my problem with writing an e-mail right now...

1. No, the assumption was not incorrect. As much as I hate to admit how I react to people, that's what I was reacting to. I couldn't go into details as I really didn't expect it to be read, I didn't want to stir up crap like my angry entries tend to do, and I felt too uncomfortable making it public yet. Even if I feel that someone else has hurt me, I still hate hurting them back. That holds even more if I feel that person has been sincere so far, as I said in the entry. I don't believe I ever really thought the silence was done purposefully to hurt me, but it hurt anyway, and I get hostile when I feel hurt, which is why it's private...

"Directly tell"--I could not send an e-mail as I felt it was not wanted after so much time. I don't tend to go to people; I let them come to me. This isn't always good as most people have no idea what it is I want, but I'd rather agonize all by myself than bother somebody. And I feel like no matter how much somebody may say they don't mind hearing from me, some little part of them DOES mind, and I don't want to bother them no matter how much I may want to hear from them. (I remember the time I took a phone call from that supposed "EX-BOYFRIEND" of mine, RIGHT when I was getting ready to go listen to some music and relax, and instead sat and made myself listen to him whine about his life for a half hour, reassuring him that I didn't mind when I certainly DID. Lot of good that did, as HE said he would call me one time and I didn't hear back from him for six months...needless to say by then I did not care to hear from him anymore and just hung up on him...) I hope this is direct enough (and I don't mean that snarkily, I just don't feel right sending an e-mail at the moment as no direct communication has been established yet).

2. The truth is better than what happened...even if I would be disappointed by it. The other two people never even bothered trying to explain the information they offered, they just said oh we have no time, we'll get back to you later, and never did...and remember, in those cases, THEY were the ones who offered theories first. So of course I was pissed off when they didn't even want to elaborate. That wasn't what happened here; I was the one who opened the whole thing up, that I can remember. (Except for the comment on my story, but that was a general comment, not a specific theory. Here the other person first established contact, but they did not offer a theory until I started asking for one.)

If there isn't one to offer...then I'm disappointed, and frustrated, but it's not like it's anyone's fault. Someone can say they have no ideas, or they can offer to keep going over it, whichever...just as long as it isn't the "Oh, I'll tell you later" thing which those other two did...it's obvious I'm still steamed about them. Why did they even offer theories if they did not want to bother elaborating? Like I said that didn't happen here, so if anyone should be upset by there being no explanation, it should be me because I brought it up first. I have nobody but myself to blame if the other party has no clue what's going on.

There were also more things in the e-mail to talk about, but maybe they were all too boring...I realize most of the talk was about me, me, me. Maybe that's where part of this went wrong; I can't write back to people who have written me if we have no common ground to explore. If that's the case, then it can simply be said so, and I'll either not bother again, or we can find some common interest to talk about, or whatever. It either works out or it doesn't, I guess.

3. A hard paragraph to respond to since I'm not sure exactly what to say, and that's probably what brought this all on in the first place. I don't insist something never happened...I just don't have any knowledge of anything ever happening. The private journal entry I posted as a static item (I deleted it a while back) went over this as much as I dared, but even it couldn't go indepth on what I think. I DO have theories and ideas...but that's all they are. And that's why I can't clarify them or go indepth, as they're just ideas. I can't clarify something unless I'm certain, and when all I have is vague ideas that could just be my imagination talking, then I can't offer them up even as suggestions.

I'll admit it: I pick up on things. And that's the problem. I read about this subject and others, and write about them so much, that who can say what I've assimilated along the way? I could react in some way just because I've read about it so much, the way that somebody reading about some kind of disease suddenly starts feeling those symptoms. On the other hand, I could read about it so much because there was some cause for the interest...but that's just it. Which came first? I realize my tendency to jump at shadows and overreact to things, so I can't offer my own theories. They could just be my overreactions to things I read about all the time. "Oh look, that sounds just like me!"...you wouldn't believe how often I think that, yet can't say it, simply because it might just be in my head.

For example take somebody who's interested in UFOs and reads about alien abduction all the time. Some of what they read matches some of how they react to things. Can they come out and say, "This happened to me!" and expect to be taken seriously? If you believe that sort of thing happens, then maybe there was a subconscious reason they were so interested in reading about the subject in the first place...but the mere act of them being so interested in it kind of ruins any chance of noncontamination. I read so much on certain things, I've definitely been contaminated by now. This is probably why I write so much fiction about it instead, since I can't put myself in that context. It'd be like being a hypochondriac. Does this make sense? I'm not sure if anyone has ever noticed how hesitant I am to commit to something unless I'm certain of its outcome. It's that way here. I do not want to stir things up if it's "just me" and my overactive imagination. I am so imaginative and live in my head and sponge up what I'm interested in so much that automatically anything I think up is suspect. Especially this subject. I'm so OBVIOUS about certain things that all I can think is, "Did something happen? Or is it just all those books I read?" I really don't know. So I can't say. Believe me, I WANT to theorize all over the place, but something holds my tongue. I can't offer such frail theories. All I can offer is my fiction, and who's to say that isn't all from my head, too? (I have no reason to believe it's from anywhere else, aside from the way I react to things--and again that could merely be from all my reading--this could go in circles forever.)

I wouldn't say "denial," as you have to be sure of something in order to deny it. I'm too unsure to deny much of anything. I simply don't know either way.

If I'm withholding information, then I'm doing it unconsciously. I don't offer theories or information if I'm uncertain of it. I could contaminate the other person by offering a theory of my own. This is why I kept harping on the other party to talk first, in the hopes they'd ask me something specific that I could try to answer. Otherwise I can't say a thing. How do I know what to offer if I don't think it has any bearing on anything, or if it might influence their own thinking? I could always be wrong, but I'll never know. I'm willing to provide almost any information, if I know what it is that's wanted. Otherwise I won't provide it, but not because I don't want to, just because I don't know it's needed, and I don't want to jump to conclusions on my own as I'm pretty ignorant and latch onto theories too easily. In other words, I'm too close to myself to see what information might be needed and what might not be. I'm not sure if that makes sense in print...?

4. I would lie if I said it wasn't a major reason, and maybe even the main one, behind the writing, but it wasn't the only one. Like I said, if there's no answer behind it, but if there's still some sort of common ground, there could still be communication...but by now I don't know if there is any common ground, nor if communication is really wanted. Maybe this WAS the only thing we had in common (or not?--remember *I* have no clue if this even has any bearing on me at all)? If so...then I guess everything ends...but I don't know. I guess that would be up to someone else to say.

5. And I guess I'll have to see what happens too. An angry end, or just a sad one, or a continuation of writing, or whatever...just anything but more silence. I would prefer even an angry attack over that (and I've done enough in this entry, the private entry, and many entries in the past to warrant one by now).

I confess, I spent about fifteen of the past hour typing this actually eating pizza rolls and surfing another website. I can't help it, I was starving. :P And by the time I'm done proofing this it'll probably be eleven o'clock again...grr. Well, at least I did not blither about dreams or Phil Collins or anything...

Perhaps a more sensical (sic?) entry at some undefined point in the future. Tar...