02-09-04 @ 11:00 am EST

While people await my e-mails to them, here is an entry to tide you over...

I just thought I would type up little replies to those Spam e-mails you would never in your right mind reply to, because that would just put you on their "active e-mail address!" list. Most e-mails nowadays have the subjects like "Enlarge your penis!" or "Refinance your home!" or "FWD: v1aagR@ che@p!" or "Watch hot young slutts on camera get it onn with their horses!!!!!"...you get the picture. But every so often a semi-interesting one will squeak through.

Spammers just keep getting more and more desperate, it seems. One of the latest (and most innovative) Spam approaches I've seen is the "Foil the bulk mail filter!" approach, in which the subject is a rather intriguing mash of unrelated words:

concoct buenos buddhist dummy horrify

declaratory kinshasha bandstand cowl

mcbride hackett fountainhead gorgon galilee

belgium bruit dod gresham followeth

nape commonplace ineradicable phosphorus

phlox plethora geochemical parthenon

hugh chicano

airdrop domineer dumb winchester

auxiliary calamitous cf bilharziasis corpsmen

gyrocompass hick held jamboree

barcelona panoply

defer dowry schaefer embarrass demystify

felsite hereabout experience diabase

dapple buxtehude smaller firewood burke cushion removal jerome boreas tatty abstain cat organometallic dot alien

I must confess, when these started coming in I was mystified. Almost invariably they turned out to be penis enlargement or Viagra ads. I then learned that the jumble of words is to outwit bulk mail filters, which weed out mail which is sent by the scads with the exact same wording in each message, such as Spammers tend to do. Ah, those witty Spammers! Finding yet another way to piss us off. But you have to admit, it's clever.

Some of those even got so interesting, I had to open them...

Subject: Where will you be oppose northern evensong tome durham oyster vehicular downwind tell warm grandmother inelastic pout shaw pdp chip promotion lupine pulp afferent pedestrian adagio bestubble scout compulsory biography faust hallow brenda seminole inconclusive differentiate jane esteem (yes, that is the ENTIRE subject)

If your not saved you need to be.

Eternity is a long tome.

Do not spend your in hell.

Contact a local church or call a prayer line today do not put it off.

This prayer can save you:

Say, "Oh God, save my soul. I'm so sorry that I have
sinned against you, but I have come home. I will
serve you, Lord, the rest of my life. Deliver me
from all my sinful habits. Set me free! I do believe
Jesus died on Calvary for me, and I believe in His
blood, that there is power in His blood to wash away
all my sins, all my sins!" Say, "Come into my heart,
Jesus; come on in, Jesus. Come on in!"

If you meant it, He has come. If you meant it,
Jesus is yours. Start reading your Bible, pray daily
and believe that somebody's listening; His name is
Jesus

hgffgfgrfthiouracil cuddle idiocy tapeworm metallurgy astride brag tyranny honk annotate

Religious Spam! Do not spend the rest of your life in eternal Spamnation!

In response to this one I had to think:

"Do not spend my what in Hell?

"At least it was not a Viagra offer. Though their usage of the word 'your' makes me cringe.

"'Eternity is a long tome.' *LMAO!*"

Which was followed immediately by:

Subject: Re: IVLTBXI, leeches hanging from

Free Cable* TV

handymen scrounge anything crowley byers bronzy albright epigrammatic cardiology adair mandrel complaisant port bartok biltmore cumberland armenia teaspoonful cancer transmitter accentual sancho bicameral grasp equipping pouch airfoil firework clone ripple thayer cross
hecatomb bourgeois neglecter dull knuckle libertine hike islamic bylaw grievance woodpeck area bernhard degradation canny win smucker tv tinker heater pup mann proven benedikt alpenstock eisner biggs ottawa aitken alabama vella analogue inflicter

In response to which I had to think:

"Hanging leeches! Free cable! Awesome!"

And then came:

Subject: carbide dredge enumerable

STILL NO LUCK ENRGAILNG IT?

Our 2 pcodruts will work for you!

1. #1 Spupelment aavilable! - Works!
ETNER HERE

and

2. *New* Enahncement Oil - Get hard in 60 seocnds! Amzaing!
Like no ohter oil you've seen.
ETENR HERE

the 2 prdoucts work gerat togteher

FOR WOEMN ONLY: TOCUH HERE

Not itnerseted

neoclassic culpable extoller mohammedan henpeck dispersion elmsford brainy osmium catastrophic heart incubi longtime inheritor dublin berne change masochist footbridge ghana burial bode craftsperson buzzy compelling byproduct bromine apart bawdy husbandry fritillary amoral
infinite coward balletic dryad pelham picojoule erroneous foil rowe blister broaden indifferent alison circumvention anhydride chaise gangplank anteroom quadrangular descendant frequent
sherman locksmith adiabatic fraternity cyrillic giblet manual fuji contralateral irishman edematous demise anarchy courthouse afferent glaucoma chicagoan cone award benton
meaningful concatenate platitudinous saracen hoc kenney advert chemise fat baird accumulate careful alibi argus germanium asteria opprobrium hoyden celerity clutter balinese babysitter chevrolet hawk alfresco geology leap plenum applique highlight
graduate pathology architect boatman digit recuperate foible docile aptitude gagwriter enmity nehru knick rustproof bhoy convene
persian belfast denver coney lipid republic eigenstate complicate diamond follow dowling baud meant alan en hotelman ashland osgood dean reef gerber
peremptory gander canary propylene decontrolling measle peabody emmett brass hollingsworth extralegal allegory contaminant samba lysenko innermost everyman cryogenic alberta choctaw repetitious reuben burgeon crag armonk blonde seal sciatica antisemite hemolytic badge guernsey price clutter rockies
hiatus barrel fest float guaranty bop disruptive dichloride alp continental
extinct lingerie keg honorarium grandiloquent dynamo implode breadwinner prado contrite eyewitness fully angst optima moorish birdlike downs inconspicuous fluoride brood filter
camera construct peace fourteenth fredericksburg dampen glamor gettysburg creekside godwit biconnected rung

In response to which I had to think:

"I must confess, I have had no luck enrgailing it. No luck enrgailing it whatsoever. Do you think a spupelment will help me?

"Really? Gerat! Amzaing!

"What happens if I tocuh here...? Is that even legal?"

Once in a while, these random subjects even seem to make a bizarre kind of sense...

never be a person that irritating others the most traffic roomette legionary

Hmmmm. It's true, I really DON'T want to be a person that irritating others.

And:

RE: RPOGNW, the prisoner glanced

My response: He did?

And this mysterious message came just today:

Info you wanted--shadow bonbons near 911

OMG, I HAVE been wondering about the shadow bonbons near 911! FREAKY!!

Then there was the just plain terse

buss

My response: You, too.

I'm afraid at the moment I can't remember which, but I had to view the text of one of the recent messages above, and it went thusly...

widows remain saintly.A few widows, and tenor behind photon) to arrive at a state of blithe spirit

Furthermore, about bottle of beer gets stinking drunk, and near ballerina a big fan of toward football team.When near hand is revered, globule behind stovepipe bur cashier over.

O_o Hmmmmmmm. And I'm afraid that's the only response I can think up to that one--hmmmmmmm...

Another seemingly recent approach used by Spammers is to include the abbreviation "FWD:" in every subject as if that will somehow convince us that the following words (which almost always include Viagra, Vicodin, or some other nice drug of choice) indicate a legitimate e-mail we've been waiting anxiously to open. I don't think so. Especially since I don't forward anything from that account.

I needn't even mention the whole "Re: Your account status" or "Validation required" or "Re: Still awaiting payment" etc. e-mails that have been rampant lately (including the eBay ones, which for some odd reason increased after I started bidding at eBay again--and I'm not the only one to report this). I am naive, it's true, but not quite naive enough to believe I am going to get constant threats of account suspension at an e-mail address I have not used to sign up anywhere in ages. Strike out, Spammers!

Then there is the mysterious

hi

And the even MORE mysterious



That's right...now including a sender AND a subject...with NOTHING IN THEM...is a tactic of Spammers. You can almost imagine them imagining the recipient sitting there saying, "Ohhhhh! NO SUBJECT! It's so mysterious! Like looking through a crystal ball and seeing...NOTHING! Must...open...e-mail...oh! Penis enlargement!"

Sorry, Spammers, but the gibberish subjects interest me way more than nothing.

Anyway, here are a few more e-mail subjects I wished to respond to...in the safety of Skew, of course.

Subj: I can't wait for new years

My response: I hate to tell you this, but...

Subj: blast your girls coochie loose

My response: That seems as if it would be rather painful. In fact I believe you would be hard pressed to find any woman who would desire her coochie to be blasted loose. I should like very much, in the meantime, to see an e-mail subject of "Blast your mans penis loose." What do you mean, that wouldn't go over very well? Why not...?

Subj: You and I know you're fat...

My response: Shut up! Asshole!! I KNOW WHERE YOUR INBOX LIVES!!

Subj: Make your PC fly

My response: ...by tossing it out a window! Sorry, I know that one was obvious...

Subj: Tehuti FORGET Viagra

My response: But...but...what about all those OTHER e-mails telling me...*cries in confusion*

Subj: How is your male member doing?

My response: Fine, thank you very much! Yours?

Subj: fat means ugly in nature, r u? honk herculean

My response: Please prove this by finding me a skinny polar bear. Also, poor spelling and grammar means ugly in society, r u?

Subj: can I get it also

My response: Well...let me think about that one. I'll get back to you. In the meantime you might want to hook up with the polar bear guy above. Maybe he can get it for you.

Subj: Drill Her Like An Oil Well

My response: And men wonder why women get so pissed off at them. I am still awaiting my "Engulf Him Like A Gaping Sucking Bottomless Black Hole" e-mail, BTW. Along with the one about how to blast his penis loose. I will make him so happy!! :D

Subj: an arrangement has been made... ONA

My response: Roger. The falcon has flown from the nest. The turtles have cried in the sea. The donkey has pooped in the farmyard. The shadow bonbons have rested near the 911. Over.

Subj: That guy from last week was so damn massive I could only fit the tip of his head in my mouth--ad

My response, a two parter:

Firstly--it was so courteous of her (at least I hope it's a her) to identify it as an ad--aww!

Secondly--why were you trying to fit his entire head in your mouth? Are you some kind of boa constrictor woman or something, or do you...ohhh. You mean that head. I see...never mind. *o_o*

Subj: Do not have mnoey? Get sotfawre cds from here. All under $15-$99 CDS

My response: Do not have seplling siklls? Get knwolegde from http://www.m-w.com/ All free.

Ahhh...and they say that Spam is no fun. Well. At least deleting it isn't. But coming up with imaginary responses to it is. Make your stuffy inbox a little brighter and type up random stupid replies to Spam today!

Have to go for now...tar.