03-06-04 @ 11:14 am EST

I'm not sure how to start or do this entry after yesterday's, so I guess all I can do is start wherever and hope it goes somewhere in a reasonable amount of time.

I'm still hurting over that, by the way. What hurts most is this is somebody I really WOULD have liked to learn from...if she had not given me this "superior" attitude. She probably didn't mean to, but that's what I get out of it. Honestly, I would like to think that judging by the effort I put into my writing, most people reading it would think I at least do my research. Granted, I could do MORE research...but when you live outside a town with a population of 5000, and can't really get out of the house whenever you want, there's just not much you can do. But to be made to feel as if I have not read one single book on the subject and have just written all these words out of blind ignorance is insulting and hurtful. I know I'm not the most intelligent person in the world--far from it--and I am not an expert on anything, even on Egyptian mythology. But I'm not a total idiot either, and I thought that was clear, judging by my writing.

Now, I have to guess not. How many people HAVEN'T commented on Manitou Island because they see it as a vast amount of sheer idiocy? Truthfully, I had hoped many times that actual people of Ojibwa or native descent would see it and read it and leave me comments. Even if I'm making it up, I would still appreciate views from people in the know; I'm always learning, and who knows what I might use someday. But knowing now that they're likely to sneer and tell me I'm getting all the details wrong, when I never set out to get most of the details "right" in the first place (how can they be wrong if I made them up?), I'm ashamed my writing is even out there. Some people have said they like it, but how many more think it's totally stupid?

"Look at that dumbass wannabe, thinking she's all 'into' that native stuff...dumb moron..."

This is along the same lines as my difficulty with my spiritual path. There are ELEMENTS that I like from other cultures--but as for becoming part of that culture, no, it's something I could never do, nor did I ever claim I could. But I like parts of the culture and hope to assimilate them into my own view someday. I'm afraid I will just be laughed at as one of those "pick-and-choose" people, like somebody who coins a native-sounding name for themselves, claims to be in tune with the Earth, and thinks that's all that's needed to be authentic. I would NEVER do that, but now...based on this reaction to my writing, the fear is even greater now. I can't bear to think of how many people have been laughing at me all this time.

Now let me make an admission. As far as factual details I DID get wrong in the serial and the short stories, there's only ONE I know of so far that was not intentional and not covered by artistic license: my usage of the word "shaman/shamaness" instead of "medicine man/woman." THAT was in fact erroneous--I did not know, when I started the serial and the short stories, that the word "shaman" is NOT interchangeable with "medicine man." I've since learned otherwise. THAT error will be edited out of the writing in the future, should I ever get around to it. You'll notice I no longer use the word in the current stories. That's one fact I'm willing to admit I got wrong, and I'm peeved that I got it wrong, I'm peeved when I see OTHER people get it wrong, and I've since corrected myself.

But aside from that I know of no other mistakes that I have not attempted to cover with artistic license. They COULD be there...it's just nobody has found them or pointed them out. (I'm talking about cultural errors, not typographical or plot ones, obviously.) If this person had stated the review in such a way as to say, "Maybe you don't know, but this isn't how it is...or is this something you created for your story?" To just say I got it all wrong hurt so much. It was assuming way too much about my writing, about my frame of mind, and about what I know and don't know, and I find that offensive. Fantasy writers are allowed some benefit of the doubt, and I got none. I was even told I would not be taken seriously...since when are people supposed to take fantasy "seriously"? That's the point of fantasy--to escape seriousness, to put our beliefs on hold for a while. It's like she directly contradicted everything I've set out to do.

Often, the information needed is simply NOT AVAILABLE anywhere within my reach, or if it is, it's greatly conflicting. The Mide Lodge is one such subject; I've read so many conflicting things on the different levels and rites of initiation that I won't even make much of an attempt to make that part of the story accurate. I'll take what's consistent and works with the story, and make up the rest. Ditto with the funeral rites Stick-In-The-Dirt observes for Yellow Turtle in the story; aside from the four days it takes to travel the Spirit Road (which I did read about), I have not been able to find verifiable info on what exactly was done with the body, nor what was believed would happen aside from meeting Pauguk on the Spirit Road, so...I made it up as it suited the story. I didn't claim it was authentic, I just claimed it was LOOSELY BASED on what's authentic, and to the best of my knowledge that's correct. I have this right because this is fantasy and that's what fantasy writers do. One of the very reasons I write fantasy is so I can have control over all aspects of the story, whereas with historical fiction or nonfiction you have to rely on research which may be impossible to obtain, and may even be incorrect. (Guess why I don't write nonfiction!) Remember my old worries about Horus not seeming authentic enough? I did a BUTTLOAD of research for THAT! And it still felt wrong to me in some aspects, because aside from the little public library, and what books I already had (I had no Internet back then), I had no access to actual resources--I don't even know what the Delta swamp really looked like in ancient times. So that's where fantasy comes in. I will admit it, fantasy is my writing crutch. If I can't figure something out then I'll make it up. I should not have to apologize for this; I never once claimed my writing was meant to be an accurate representation of native culture, the same way as I never claimed Horus was 100% true to the actual myth, nor that the Satanists in D Is For Damien are representative of actual Satanists. I never said otherwise, though, so now I think I need to come up with a disclaimer. ANOTHER disclaimer. Wonderful.

By now my disclaimers are so long they run my actual writing off the page. But I don't like the thought of people thinking the stupid white girl is misrepresenting others because she's ignorant. I'll admit I'm ignorant. But I'm not misrepresenting anyone, because I made these people up. I can't misrepresent my own creations, can I?

And it was THAT assumption that this reader made, rather than the fact that she said I'd gotten everything wrong, that got me so upset. Something can't be wrong if it's made up. You might as well just say that opinions are wrong. That one writer is wrong because her dragons are blue, when EVERYBODY knows that dragons are green. See the silliness of that claim? That's how this felt. I was being told that what I had made up MYSELF was wrong.

But I am heavily leaning toward the disclaimer. I guess I'll stick it on the folders and on the main website sometime in the next few days. Do you know, I had thoughts, serious thoughts once, of going into an Ojibwa language forum and including the URL in my signature tag...I'm too embarrassed now. What if they think I'm some wannabe? All I ever wanted was interested readers who could suspend disbelief and let me know what they think of my writing ITSELF, not people who harp on all the factual details I got wrong because I made them up myself. How long has that story been posted? Over two years? Have they been laughing at me all that time?

And I had really wanted to be friends with this person, too. She is the closest person I know to my own location in the real world--if I could drive, I could probably drive to her house if I knew her address. Despite my comments in the last entry (I WAS rather miffed when I discovered she was not really native--I almost got the feeling she was attempting to pass herself off as one at first, but that might just be me), I won't deny her knowledge of the subject; for all I know everything she claimed about herself is true. And I WAS sorely disappointed when, instead of corresponding by regular e-mails and teaching me what she was able to about the culture, she decided to give me the names of books in the Mackinaw City library's restricted section. Mackinaw City is a half hour's drive away from here, and I can't drive. Plus however would I gain access to a restricted section? I don't have that kind of pull. Short of somebody loaning me their rare books, my only avenues of research are the books I'm occasionally able to buy on my own (via eBay, Amazon, or the dinky local bookstore--I did luck out once when I went to Indian Hills in Petoskey, which is as close as I'll ever get to real native culture) and the websites I'm able to scrounge up, which are not always the most reliable (witness the recent link I posted).

So yes, I was hurt when instead of cultivating an actual correspondence, she listed some books as if I were some nameless wannabe student, and then that was that; I was on my own. I had wanted HER to teach me. Yah, so I would never be some seeking pupil or something, but at least I would be learning something. And maybe I could have made a friend.

Instead...you see what happened. And that review I found very insulting. It was doubly insulting to be told I need to "learn" when that was one of the reasons I had hoped to communicate with her in the first place. If she thought I needed to learn, she had every chance to try me out, rather than telling me how ignorant I am and then dropping it. The real reason I never replied to her? I was so ashamed that somebody smarter than I was thought so little of me. Of course I couldn't reply, then.

I would really like to think that how I write makes it clear I'm not THAT stupid. But now I just don't know. Spouting pretty words doesn't make one smart. And I can't even claim my words are pretty.

Why have I not written lately in Skew, nor responded to a couple of longer e-mails I owe? (At the moment I think it's NPH and an offsite (non-Writing.com) person I owe e-mails to.) It's because...the time and effort involved just don't feel worth it anymore. It takes me over an hour, usually, to write a journal entry. When I'm OFFLINE, I have all sorts of stupid everyday things and thoughts to write about, and the words come easily...but I'm online only about four hours a day, and somehow I manage to waste that time doing something else. And all my stupid everyday thoughts just sound...stupid when I'm online. Like, who would want to hear about that? I think of how there are maybe three or four people, if that many, who will actually ENJOY that hour's worth of writing, and...it's like some dinky words in this vast sea of words, and everybody is looking at everything else. Not at mine. I hate how I'm making my actual readers' time sound like nothing--I really DO value that they stop by to read this thing--but for all the work I do writing these entries, all the heart I try to put into them, while I see silly shallow short entries on other sites get tons of notes--while I even see entries so SIMILAR TO MINE get tons of notes--and mine aren't even noticed...it just doesn't feel worth it. All I can do is think, why do I bother? I don't write this stuff exclusively for others to read it, but on the other hand I could just as easily keep it all in my head like I used to. What's the point anymore?

So I guess it's pettiness, envy, that has been keeping me from writing in here. I think it was one of Skew's backup sites that prompted this--there, I actually HAVE been leaving other people lots of notes, long notes too. And this is weird because I don't normally reach out like that. But that's the site where Skew is noticed the least--the site where I actually interact the MOST. I've been considering not posting notes there anymore since nobody seems to read them, and even making my journal private because who cares about it? I admit, I'm petty. It doesn't feel worth typing up all this drek if hardly anybody cares. Like I should expect a mob of devoted readers, but it gets tiring. I've looked at every formula of popular journaling and I just can't figure out what it is that works for the popular people. Short of posting buttloads of survey results or "OMG I saw a cyute boi 2dae!!!" entries, I've tried all the different tactics I know--even the dreaded "hot topic" tactic--and none of them worked. Yet those tactics worked for other journalers. And at least on that other site, no one can claim it's because I didn't interact enough. So that theory, at least in one location, is shot. I'm still pissed off over the time I wrote an entry about gay marriage MONTHS ago--last YEAR--and it got not one note, then some popular member posted an entry right after mine, almost the same in content, and got TONS of notes from admirers. It's almost like these people aren't there to journal or read journals, they're just big friend communities. How the hell do those people get so many friends anyway?

I'm not going to sell out my journal to make it popular, so...it's just been sitting here empty. I haven't even written in TUOJOT in months because nobody sees it but me--what's the use? I freely admit that half of the reason I keep an online journal is because OTHERS can see it. Face it, I'm housebound and this is my only means of real-world contact. You can't blame me for feeling thrilled when people read and dejected when they don't.

About the e-mails, it's not quite the same reason--I know that for the most part replying to them WOULD be worth it, as I'm so lonely when I'm not in communication with anybody, and you only get e-mails after you send some of your own. But it takes very long to write those up too, after I get over the anxiety. I wish I knew how to write shorter e-mails. I bet the people I write to would love that, too. Everyone would save so much time, and I'd probably actually get things written.

Instead, today, I wrote this, and this is all I got done. I hope none of the few people I write to mind much that I wrote this instead of something more meaningful, but I had to explain the situation sometime or never. As a few people have actually expressed concern that Skew hasn't been updated, I felt I owed that much at least.

Sorry this entry is so stupid. Tar until whenever.