03-16-04 @ 9:42 am EST

I can't understand why it keeps happening. Those people who insist that the reason so few people ever want to write to me is because I never write back? I know now that you're wrong. That might be the reason SOMETIMES, but based on what's been happening lately, over and over, there must be something more to it.

I wrote to her (an offsite person--not Writing.com) in February because she was the only one I vaguely knew of who might be able to talk through a few things with me. I hated contacting her first because then when the whole thing dies, that means it's clearly my fault for bothering somebody. But she replied, and said she had no problem with writing to me or me writing to her. We exchanged a couple of good long e-mails, then she wrote to me in late February to say that she was eager to respond to my latest, but she'd be gone all the next day, so it might be a day or two before I heard back from her.

That was almost a month ago now. I could e-mail somebody here who knows her and ask if maybe she's just too busy, or sick or something--she could be dead, and I would not even know--but I don't want to bother that other person too, as they're also busy. So I have no idea how to find out what's going on. I have tried so hard being patient! But...a day or two? Almost a month ago? How long do I wait? Does she just not want to write to me after all, like just about everybody else? It wasn't my fault for not getting back to her--so it must be my fault for some other reason, if she's not sick or busy. I can't understand why she wouldn't send a short e-mail to tell me she's sick or busy and I'll hear from her later...that I could understand, and I'd still wait. Even if after this entry I were to find out somehow that that's the case and she just hasn't been ABLE to write to me, I could take it. But I have no clue--she hasn't said. And I keep checking my webmail and finding nothing but the occasional bulk mail day after day. And if I write to her to ask something even as simple as "Is everything okay?" then I'm being too nosy and pushy and of course THEN she will never want to write to me again. Because who wants to write to somebody as clingy as me? She seemed so nice and thoughtful, and I want so much to give her the benefit of the doubt...but why hasn't she said anything? Is she just the same as all those others I tried to trust before?

And this is not the only example. I'm thinking now of that girl whose Egyptian-themed stories (offsite) I loved so much. She even inspired me to write my own. I commented on her FREQUENTLY. I was literally a fan. I admit I was slow responding to her a couple of times, but then I e-mailed her once, then TWICE...both at different e-mail addresses, just in case...and she never replied to either. I never heard from her again. I know she was still online and posting in her journal, but she never got back to me. I still don't know what I did that made her not want to reply to me; I loved her writing, I respected her thoughts, and I even hoped she might comment on something of mine. She'd said she was interested. I couldn't e-mail her again because twice was far more than enough for me to get the point. She didn't WANT to write to me. I just don't know why.

And I am reminded of the Writing.com user who e-mailed me so frequently and was such a big fan of MI and then RTMI, and although I missed some replies I tried to get back to her as often as I could, and then...no more word. She's onsite often, but I have never heard from her again. She no longer reviews or even says hello. I have no clue what happened that made her not want to write to me. I know she's busy but I checked out her journal the few times she updated it and on a few occasions she said she was bored and looking for something to do...I guess I was not worth her time anymore. And I have no idea why.

And I am reminded of the dozens of people who I've left notes to on other websites, many of them people I was honestly interested in hearing back from; they struck me as intelligent, articulate, and were even interested in the things I was interested in. I asked one a question about themselves recently and they replied, but then I asked another question and...they have not replied at all. They've been onsite, posting frequently, and have since replied to lots of OTHER people who left them notes...but not to me. Nor have any of those others who I respected. Very, very rarely one of them might reply to say "Thank you," but they never stick around, never read MY entries which they leave reply notes on, and never come back even if I comment again. This most recent person, I even told them I liked their entries, and their one reply note didn't even reflect that they had read that; it's like they didn't even notice I had said I enjoyed reading them. I thought maybe we shared some interests, maybe we could comment on each other or learn from each other. I was stupid, I guess. None of those intelligent articulate interesting people are even interested enough in me to say hello or give me the time of day. And I don't know why.

And there are many other examples which have built up that I can't even bother thinking of right now. ALL of these people, I either wrote to FIRST, or I wrote back to them as frequently as I could--I did NOT drop the line of communication or give them any reason to think I didn't want to communicate anymore. If anything, I thought I made it very clear that I would have LOVED to keep communicating with them. And EVERY single one of them just stopped writing to me out of the blue, and never even thought to say why. So is it because I'm shy? Not in these cases. It must be something else. The only thing I can think of is that I must be too boring for all of these people, even the ones who I'm so sure are so alike me in so many ways, and for some reason they just won't come out and say so. They must think it's better to leave me hanging rather than let me know...IF they even bothered reading what I wrote to them in the first place.

People insist I should speak up more. Reach out to others. Open up, make friends, be more outgoing. Reply to others if I want people to reply to me. If THIS is what is going to happen every single time I do so...then what's the point? What's the use of trying to make friends or just acquaintances, of seeking out people like myself to try to get to know, of stepping outside my shell, showing interest in others, and not being so self-centered for a change? If they're always going to just ignore me or drop me anyway, what is the point to it all?

People who roll their eyes at me for whining too much are right about that; I do whine. And I am too shy. But it's most CERTAINLY not always my fault when the communication is severed, unless I'm too boring or annoying, and since nobody ever bothers to tell me before shutting up, then I'll never know. If somebody wants me to leave them alone, all they have to do is say so and I will take the hint. I will never write to them again. Why can't these people at least give me some closure and let me know what I did wrong so I can STOP DOING IT?

I really had thought the first person here was different. I really want to write to her, to get back on our conversation, especially now when the matter has been weighing on me so heavily. But I can't even do that because I don't know why she's not writing to me and I don't want to bother her to find out. So I have nothing left to do, and I can't bother anybody else. If I start to write to anyone else too much I just know they will stop writing to me; it always happens. Then I won't even be able to just say hello without being ignored all over again.

Everybody else has their tons of friends who flock to their side when feeling just the teeniest bit blue. All I can do is write in this stupid journal, and by now I'm thinking what's the point to even doing this anymore either.