04-20-04 @ 11:16 am EDT

This entry will be marked private for a time on the site that inspired it, but will be public elsewhere.

On another diary site where Skew is hosted, someone recently posted an entry that was deemed popular or well liked by several other members and was placed in a location of honor. I don't pay much attention to the entries there anymore as the whole site has evolved (devolved) into a massive popularity contest; hardly anyone (who wishes to be well known and liked, that is) posts real, authentic journal entries anymore, and the only entries that get attention are those from the handful of beloved members (I have no clue how they get so popular, it's a mystery to me) or else those that deal with "big issues." As a result, most of the most popular entries are just giant political or religious or racial debates, and people even make a frequent habit of posting entries in response to entries (much as I'm doing here, though the fact that I'll be marking this private on that site kind of removes me from the same circle as most of the other posters there).

In short, 99% of the people there seem to have forgotten what the original usage of a PERSONAL DIARY site is, and have decided to turn the place into a big debate forum. You're far more likely to find many notes attached to a "What I Think Of Gay Marriage!" entry than an entry like...well, practically anything I post in here. For a long time, I tried to cultivate readers there. I've long since given up and removed the ability of users to leave me notes. Since I don't post those "big issue" entries, nor am I a popular member (and there are only about 6500 spaces available, much fewer than the bigger diary sites where I AM actually noticed more), it's not like anyone's going to want to leave me any. *shrug*

Anyway, one entry was entitled something like "You must like getting beaten if you keep going back!" Puzzled, I went to check it out. And yes, it was as infuriating as I had thought it would be. Basically...this entry was written by a man who believes that all people who put themselves in abusive situations and STAY or RETURN TO abusive situations are TOTAL MORONS and deserve what they get. To summarize his words (and I am NOT putting anything in his mouth): "They must like getting beaten if they keep going back! Nobody is THAT stupid or weak!" He even concludes the entry with a comment much like, "If you can't get out of such a situation, you may as well just put a gun to your head and pull the trigger. That's about how smart it is." He claims he has NO sympathy for such victims whatsoever. He used to, until he saw a friend of his get beaten to a pulp, and go right back to the man who did it. Now he thinks his own friend is a total dolt and will offer her no more sympathy.

Again, I'm paraphrasing and summarizing, but by no means saying things he did not say. This is basically how he put it, only in much kinder terms. As I remember it there was lots of namecalling in his entry, along the lines of "Stupid idiots!" (again, I'm being polite).

This user believes that, as he himself was once in such an abusive situation, he then has absolute knowledge of how people in such situations should think, feel, and react, and anyone who disagrees with him, ESPECIALLY if they have not been in the situation themselves, is an idiot.

A young teenager responded to the entry with a rude note. It was full of foul words and insults, and did not make this teenager look good. Basically she disagreed with the diarist. Now, based on how this sixteen year old responded, an angry response in turn would not be totally unwarranted. But the diarist went so far as to post a response entry which not only insulted the noter for her rudeness, but insulted her for her age. According to the diarist, a mere sixteen year old cannot POSSIBLY have had nearly enough life experience to understand the subject of domestic violence. As a teenager she is probably way too busy with such things as making out and hoping to have sex. Pretty much the diarist told her to screw off because as a teen, she was too stupid to have an educated opinion on the matter.

Apparently this diarist has forgotten that TEENAGERS AND CHILDREN CAN BE VICTIMS/WITNESSES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, AS WELL. Ever hear of "child abuse"? Has he forgotten the "child" part of that phrase...?

Given the vulgar tone of the teen's note, I can't say I wouldn't respond angrily myself--in fact, I probably would have. But the diarist kind of nullified his entire argument as well as any credibility he might have had when he attacked this noter's age. I admit I often believe most teens I come across on the Net are rather emptyheaded and don't know what they're talking about. To claim that ALL people of a certain age, however, based on simply the matter of their AGE, CANNOT have any or enough knowledge of a subject is asinine and ignorant. Hello! There are SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD RAPE VICTIMS out there. And sixteen-year-old punching bags, and sixteen year olds who have witnessed their friends and family get pummeled to a bloody pulp. There are THREE YEAR OLDS who have gone through the same things.

Care to say now that teens and children can't possibly know what they're talking about on this subject?

The rest of my entry is in response to the entry's premise itself, that people who stay in or even return to abusive situations are total morons who deserve what they get and should just kill themselves.

Like I said, the diarist seems to believe that, as a domestic violence survivor himself, he has the knowledge for the final say in the matter. I don't doubt that he knows what worked and held for him--he learned how to fight back. That's his way of coping. When others on the site tried to explain that people who stay in abusive situations do it because they may really love the abuser, and think they can change them, or they may not realize they are being abused, or they may minimize it or think they deserve it, the diarist pretty much said, "BULLSHIT. Those aren't reasons! They're just STUPID and LAZY! ANYONE can get out of a situation like that. There is NO excuse other than stupidity. I have no sympathy for these people whatsoever--I would like to smack them MYSELF!"

To this diarist:

I'm glad you found the way that worked for you. I'm glad it worked for you, too.

You apparently seem to think that what worked for you by default should work for everyone else.

You appear to believe that your way of thinking, of feeling, of reacting, is the same way that everyone else should think, feel, and react.

You even say that people who don't react in the same way that you do are total morons who deserve everything they get.

All right, then. By default, with your reasoning...

Do you ever suffer from depression? If not, do you tell everybody who does that if they can't snap out of it, they are total dumbasses who must LIKE feeling like shit all the time?

Do you suffer from OCD? If not, would you tell everybody who does that they should just stop thinking about those things that keep going through their heads, and just stop their stupid repetitive behaviors, else they are doltish idiots?

If you don't suffer from extreme social anxiety, I wonder if you tell those who do that they should just get their asses out of the house and chat up a storm with total strangers, else they are ignorant cowardly shitheads.

Do you cry at sad movies? If not, and you happen to come across somebody who does, do you call them names for being such a baby?

Speaking of babies, did you cry easily as a child? If not, I wonder if you yell at every crying child you meet to knock off their blubbering else nobody will ever love them.

What is your favorite hobby? Do you insult anyone who does not share that hobby with you, and call such people retards for not sharing your interests?

We've already seen how you react to people who merely disagree with you--you think they are as stupid as the people who are struggling victims. Are you this accepting with people who disagree with you on anything else that makes you angry? If you want pizza for lunch and somebody else wants tacos, are they then a moron?

How about if there's something that makes you happy? Will you tongue-thrash the person who does not share your happiness, simply because they do not think, feel, or react in the same way you do?

If something you do causes someone else to feel grief, will you lash out at them for being so stupid and not being happy with the grief you gave them?

If you answer no to any of these...then why not? Apparently you believe that EVERYONE should think, feel, and react in EXACTLY the same way as you. That means not only that they should be physically and emotionally strong enough to break out of an abusive relationship, but that by default they should react to everything in the same way that you do. You proved this the moment you thrashed out the people who even respectfully disagreed with you (and yes, there were more disagreeing noters than just the rude teen). You think anyone who is not as emotionally strong as you are is a weakling and a lazy coward who DESERVES to be beaten. All right then. When will you be posting the entry which declares how much you hate depressives, anxious people, the overly sensitive, the easily affected, in short, EVERYBODY who does not react in exactly the same way that you do?

You said yourself that EVERYBODY should be smart enough to do the same thing you have done. How is it then that what works for one depressed person doesn't work for another? That therapy works for one anxious person, whereas another needs medicine, whereas another needs something completely different? How is it that one person suffering from OCD can overcome it on their own, yet another needs help? Isn't it strange how they all react in DIFFERENT WAYS?

One person cries at a sad scene in a movie. Another person laughs. Another rolls his eyes, another yawns. According to your reasoning, at least three of these people are total retards for not reacting in the same way as the last. Maybe even ALL of them are morons, if none of those ways are the way YOU would react.

Basically, your entry REALLY said:

"If you don't think the same way I do, then you're a stupid asshole. I hope you suffer for not being as smart as me."

No wonder most of the world would not agree with you. The only reason you didn't get MORE disagreeing notes is because the majority of those people, like myself, saw the futility of arguing with somebody like you. I mean, look at the rather narrow limits of your mental worldview. It's not a worldview, it's a "myview or noview."

Again, I'm happy that YOU found what helped YOU to break out of the abuse...but at the same time I'm angry and sad that you think YOUR method would work for everyone. That everyone out there should be as smart, as strong, as ready and able as you are to do the same...and if they aren't, well, that's not just their problem alone but THEIR FAULT, for whatever reason, because as you said they must just LIKE the suffering. Because you not only said that everyone SHOULD react in the same way you do...you said that they MUST, otherwise they like the abuse or they are stupid. You didn't do so much as leave room for the people who really DON'T or CAN'T react the same way you do--you seem to believe such people simply do not exist.

Hate to break it to you...but hi, I'm one such person. And behind me there are a million and more. Can't really say it's nice to meet you.

You leave no room for grays in your worldview. It's black or white--you're smart and strong enough to break free, or you're stupid and weak and you even deserve it. I hope you know it's going to be sparse and lonely in your area of white, because even among the other strong and smart people who broke free, you are going to be hard pressed to find a single one of them who reacts to everything ELSE the way you do. Are you going to call them stupid, too? I hope you're at least consistent in your ignorance of the limitless variety in how the human mind works. Look at that dumbass over there, his synapses aren't firing in the same way as yours. Moron.

I hate to tell you this, but what most of those noters who disagreed with you said is true. It's not just black or white, no matter how black and white your own situation was. Some people really DO love the people who hurt them. Some people really DO think they have nowhere else to turn. Some really do believe they deserve it. Some really do think that this is not really abuse, others have it much worse. Some really do think they can get someone to change. And while these beliefs may be misled, ignorant, naive, and even stupid at times...the people believing these things are NOT STUPID. EVERYBODY believes something stupid at some point. According to you all such people should just be shot in the head right now.

I hope you would like living in a world full of bullet-riddled corpses, because if everyone followed your advice...that's what you'd get. And some of the dead would surprise you.

No matter what pain you went through (which I do regret you went through), I certainly hope more abused people don't come across your entry--because it might just be that ONE nudge, that ONE more voice telling them how stupid and ignorant they are and how much they LIKE getting beaten and they DESERVE their pain...that will send them over the edge. Maybe they WILL take your suggestion, put a gun to their heads, and pull the trigger.

You know, it just struck me, and I'm surprised it took so long: You, in effect, have become the abuser with this entry. You told every abused person out there who is not as strong or "smart" as you were how worthless and stupid they are. You told them they deserve to be beaten and raped. You told them they must LIKE being treated like shit. You told them to KILL themselves if they want a real way out, because they'll certainly get no sympathy from you--you might even beat them yourself. Congratulations...those are the exact same things the abuser would say.

Things have this interesting way of coming full circle sometimes.

In closing, I REALLY hope you never go to work for a crisis hotline. According to your argument, anyone weak and simpering enough to have to call a crisis hotline deserves what pain they must be going through. Are you willing to pay for all the bullets you believe must be dispensed?

Addendum: I just checked out a newer entry in this person's diary in which he says: "People who conform to what others think they should be, what others want them to be, or what others feel they should be suck." He then commences to list a whole slew of other types of people who suck for various (some legitimate, some plainly stupid) reasons, just because he thinks so. Well...so much for hoping for consistency. You suck if you agree with him, you're stupid if you don't.

Tar...