04-19-04 @ 2:21 am EDT

There's a big warm wind blowing outside and it's been blowing all day. I think it's probably warmer out there than it is in here, which is weird considering just last week I was walking around inside the house in my jacket freezing for the better part of a day (no gas).

I went to my room and shut my door and opened my window to try to get a whiff of the wind. I think I've mentioned before in the old Skew how I can smell autumn coming--it has this distinct smell to it, the scent of rotting leaves (which is actually not that bad a smell--it's very spicy and earthy and nice, and makes one think of damp leaves and cool air and such). I'm assuming I can smell autumn coming because the leaves are already rotting on the ground by then, albeit not in great numbers. (We don't rake. No point, our yard is ehh. I like to say, if it weren't for crabgrass, we would have no grass. :) )

But I can also smell summer coming, too. Sometimes even when there's still snow on the ground. I know this sounds nuts, but I swear I can smell it. It's not as easy to describe or explain as the scent of autumn...it's just...this warm air smell. Nothing even really specific. I can't describe it much aside from that. :/ It makes me think of summer--that's the only way to explain it. I held up my window (remember from an older entry, it's malfunctioning and no longer stays open on its own without falling back down) and pressed my nose to the screen and smelled the wind. My door kept slamming even though it was already shut, because the wind caused the air pressure in my room to...well, I can't explain it because I'm lousy with science, but you science majors out there probably know what I'm talking about. I couldn't smell summer, though. :/ I then turned off my light and opened the window again and this time it SCARED me, it was so dark out there. Yes, I guess I'm still afraid of the dark. I always expect something to grab at my feet or sneak up behind me...as irrational as that is. Whatever chapter that is of Manitou Island where Charmian is running around like crazy in the dark, all over the Island, and she's freaking out? That was based on how *I* would probably react in the same situation. *shudder*

I waited for my eyes to get used to it, even while I squirmed to go turn on my light again...still couldn't smell summer. Even though it's so warm. Well, maybe the next time. I'm betting it'll drop down and get cold again later on today. >:/

We've had ladybugs inhabiting our house all winter long. Never many, but usually one or two or three at a time. All winter. I have no clue where these things come from, but they've been with us all along. I opened the blinds to let in sunlight when the gas was off and found a bunch of little ladybug corpses down there. Poor things. At the moment there are two live ones planted on the end table near Dad's seat on the couch. He spent all night feeding them pop and crumbs. :D I kid you not. He keeps finding them crawling up his cup and so he put a droplet of pop on the table and said one of them sucked at it for a good eight minutes (probably exaggeration, but I don't doubt that they did drink). They must like sugar because they always seem to be all over sweet things on that table. He tried shooing them together and they both ended up crawling onto his hand instead. They aren't bright red; the ones we find are always orangish or even tan/brown, often without spots. I wonder if their colors fade in the winter, or as they get closer to dying? All winter we've had pale drab ladybugs all around us.

I set my tea cup down on the end table later on and found one of them seated nearby. It kept approaching my cup so I put a droplet of tea on the table to see what it would do. It went over and stuck its...proboscis, or whatever...into it and took a little drink. Then it walked away. I tried enticing it with a big crumb of chocolate-covered pecan, but it didn't bite. Maybe it was too big. But it kept wandering back to that spot of tea and sipping from it. I watched it closely. I could even see when it extracted its...proboscis, or whatever...from the droplet, so I know it was drinking. Not for very long, but it must have liked it somewhat as it kept going back.

Later on I found it drinking again, only to realize that it was in fact standing next to my bag of candy, and this was the OTHER ladybug now drinking from the droplet. They're both back. I'm going to have two little sugar and caffeine addicts on my hands.

Earlier Dad asked, "What exactly is it that ladybugs eat?"

"I know they eat aphids," I said, "but I don't know what else."

"I don't think they're going to be finding many aphids in here!" Dad said. Well, duh, but I truly have no clue what else they eat. They do seem to like sweet things. And tea.

All night long I've been thinking over this. We as humans are so fond of ladybugs--little round bumbling red beetles with spots like a dog. Yet we are so hateful of things like ants or spiders or cockroaches. Not EVERYONE, but the majority; for example, I have nothing against spiders--I even nudge them out of the way, rescue them from the tub or sink before running water, and such--unless they crawl on me. I've never seen a cockroach, yet I assume I would loathe it the moment I saw it--and you all know how I DREAD ants, and earwigs, and those beetles in my room, and millipedes. (Are there two L's in millipede? Eh, who cares.)

Yet when you really think about it...what's the difference? A ladybug is just a glorified beetle. Sure it has a cute round shape, and pretty colors, and it destroys pests, but other than that, it's practically the same as a carpet beetle or a cockroach. (I admit I don't know if roaches are true beetles, but you get my drift.) Spiders? I tend to think of tarantulas as just like hamsters, except they're poisonous, and have eight legs--but both creatures are about the same size, and are covered with fur. One is loved and one is hated. Aside from getting into food, what else do ants really do that is so bad? They scare the hell out of me, enough to send me into fits of screaming and crying and panicked spraying, and to induce nightmares, but I can't think of any logical reason to be afraid of them--they're just little bitty bugs that run around and build hills. And sure earwigs and millipedes are ugly as anything but other than that--what's the harm of them? Almost everyone loves the butterfly, while the moth is usually reviled--but see how alike they are. Even nonharmful moths are usually seen as disgusting, tree-destroying, clothes-consuming, fluttering-in-your-face pests. Crickets are considered good luck (if sometimes annoying), grasshoppers seem relatively neutral, but locusts (basically just big grasshoppers) are detested--for a good enough reason, but still. Dragonflies are a beauty but fishflies are icky and irritating. Woolly bears are beloved but tent caterpillars and most larva are destroyed on sight.

What sets all these disgusting insects so much apart from beloved bugs like ladybugs and butterflies and dragonflies and crickets? For the most part it has to do with looks. Ladybugs, butterflies, and dragonflies are all bright and beautiful insects. Carpet beetles and moths and fishflies, for the most part, aren't. (And you'll quickly notice that the moths that ARE respected are the PRETTY ones--that is, those that look like butterflies.) Crickets may not be pretty, but...they make a pretty noise. And even if you catch one and look at it, you still have to admit that they're cute. These bugs for the most part aren't associated with getting into our food stores or destroying trees or crops or clothing, but they CAN be pests on the right occasion...witness frequent insect outbreaks, like masses of ladybugs I've been hearing about lately. These things will literally SWARM all over a house. And the ladybugs in our own home are just one step away from digging into the sugar. Just recently I read an article about an expected cicada outbreak coming this summer. Cicadas are harmless and you hardly ever see them--but they make such a RACKET that scientists and researchers are literally dreading this hatch. (Me?...I like the cicada noise. But that's just me.) You must admit that even if an insect in the "ugly" category ISN'T currently being a pest, you'd still probably have the instinctive urge to kill it immediately. Even I admit that spiders creep me out, and one landing on my arm does make me scream and fling it off as if my space has been horribly invaded. Even if it was doing nothing more than resting its legs. A harmless house spider is as equally dreaded as a brown recluse or some such--most people don't bother to look and tell the difference before squashing them, because everybody knows that spiders are just plain ugly.

Take a look at the spider itself--one of the most reviled of small creatures! (As the spider is not an insect, I cannot rightly call it one.) For the most part the spider is a USEFUL creature--it disposes of all those OTHER pests we hate so much. Spiderwebs should be welcomed! Yet how often do you see spiders associated with butterflies and ladybugs and such? That's right, they AREN'T--unless they're capturing them in their webs. Spiders are always associated with death and evil and dark places. Even when making use of their helpful webs, we mostly envision them as ensnaring poor innocent beloved insects, not the pesky flies and such that they usually get rid of.

Even when an animal has a proven negative connotation, for the most part it's looks or beauty that differentiate it from the rest. Me? I LOVED tent caterpillars when I was a kid. They were so soft and fun! Now that I know what horrid pests they are, now that I've seen what they do to trees, how they gather in worming writhing masses in their white fibrous tents, how they practically drop down upon my head when I walk unsuspectingly under them? I HATE them! I gather them and crush them, squash them, fry them with magnifying glasses, drown them in buckets of water. I shudder when I see them. Even if I come across just one, even if I'm not afraid and even pick it up and pet it, I know what an awful creature it is and I won't let it live long. I've learned by association to hate these things. Lots of little kids love bugs, but I'm betting they're taught as they go along about what gross creatures they are. Except for the pretty ones, like ladybugs, and butterflies, and dragonflies and crickets. Ladybugs serve a useful purpose that I know of, by consuming aphids (which ants raise as their own personal milkcows, by the way). But what the hell do dragonflies do??

That's right--they flit around and sparkle in pretty colors. There could be more but that's about it, that I know of.

On some level I'm kind of sad that I hate ants and earwigs and beetles, because they're just doing what ants and earwigs and beetles do--finding food. Ants, in a way, are even cute, and they have their own societies--highly organized and efficient. I have tried to stop my impulsive habit of destroying their hills whenever I see them. But no time soon am I ever going to love an ant. I'm STILL going to crush them on sight, and scream and wail whenever I find so much as one of them in the house. Meanwhile the ladybugs are welcome to eat the sugar we give them, and hang out and crawl around all they want. The spiders that land on me will be flung across the room in a panic, but the ladybugs will be gently picked up and settled elsewhere more convenient. It's a weird double standard I can't quite figure out, but...I never said humans made sense. o_o

Almost finished with Tape 36/64, I believe...should be starting Tape 37 tonight or tomorrow.

I think I'll unlock Skew tomorrow. That'll have been a month. Now that I know who does read this and who does not, keeping it private doesn't serve much purpose anymore.

Tar...