04-27-04 @ 10:30 am EDT

Today I'm going to rant about two stupid things that probably don't even deserve their own rants, therefore, don't take this TOO seriously.

Firstly is campfires. I honestly wish there were a way we could put ourselves on a "no invite" list because I DO NOT WANT TO BE INVITED TO CAMPFIRES. Period! None! Even if you've got an Egyptian mythology one, no thank you, I will NOT participate. I do not do campfires PERIOD. Zero. Zip. Zilch. I'm tired now of even receiving invites which I can decline because every time I get one, number one, I think I've got a legitimate piece of mail like a review or letter, and number two, it just reminds me of all the COMPLETELY NEGATIVE experiences I've had with campfires so far.

Okay, so there's only one time I actually remember JOINING one...but it wasted about an hour of my writing time when I could have been doing something much better...and that's a bunch of writing which I have no use for anymore, since I could not post it. Do you remember that time? Let me go over it again for newer readers. I was once invited to an occult-themed campfire. I looked at it and thought, this looks like JUST the kind of story I'd like to participate in! Just to be on the safe side, I carefully examined the campfire before accepting. No one else had added to it. There were other people who were members, but none of them had posted anything. I took note of where the story left off, then, before joining, I wrote up the very next scene. I created characters and cool situations and everything! It probably took over an hour (and remember, I was supposed to be working on my OWN writing). I kept going back and refreshing the campfire just in case to see if anything had been added. Nope. Then I jubilantly accepted the invite and went to post my own piece.

EEEHHHH! (That's the sound of a "Wrong!" buzzer.) As soon as I tried to post my chapter...I realized that one of the OTHER people who had been invited was awaiting THEIR turn! It had BEEN their turn for quite a while...they just hadn't POSTED yet! I was still ignorant of the ways of campfires and had assumed that when your turn comes around, you don't just dawdle and sit and twiddle your thumbs, you WRITE your scene and post it as soon as possible. Since I hadn't seen any new additions I figured it was the turn of a new person. I had written this scene to fit in with the previous one...but now it was completely useless, because this other MORON hadn't posted THEIR scene yet. I felt like a total fool not only for wasting my time, but for accepting that invite. I had to e-mail them back and tell them to DELETE me, which was doubly humiliating. ("Make up your mind!" I can practically hear the owner yelling.)

Most of the other invites I've gotten have led me to wonder, why the hell did this person invite ME? Did they just pick me at random and Spam a bunch of people? I kid you not, once I got invited to some kind of RECIPE BOOK campfire. WTF?? I only boil water!

So now, I just turn each and every one of them down. For the most part the invites I get are from people who I feel have not even looked at my port, or if they have, they just saw the genres I write in and thought that was good enough. I got an invite to an erotica campfire of some kind today. What makes people think that since I write yaoi, I would want to participate in any old erotica campfire? I don't want to. I don't do X-rated stuff well with other people AT ALL. I don't do ANY rated stuff well with other people at all. That's my PRIMARY reason for not accepting campfires. I work best alone, as I tend to hog all the glory. I just don't play well with others. But with adult material, it stands even more. It's hard enough for me to post this stuff publicly and feel like people will even take me seriously--don't ask me to COLLABORATE with a bunch of other people who probably know way more than *I* do! No thank you. Besides, I primarily do M/M, and last I saw, just about nobody else on this site specializes in that. I'd probably yuck everybody out.

It was like one time in the past I got an invite to a fantasy-type campfire, but it wasn't any kind of story I'd care to write in. It was just in my primary genre, so I guess that's why I was invited. Just because I write fantasy doesn't mean I care for swords and sorcery and elves and orcs and Tolkien and stuff--far from it! I can't STAND high fantasy. (Ooh look, it's the obligatory tavern brawl! *gag*) The ONLY campfire invite which was really on target with me was that occult one...and see how that turned out? Of course I'm willing to bet most campfire owners are responsible and check invitees carefully to see if they'll be interested--but once bitten, twice shy! If that's how things will go if I get invited to a campfire I KNOW I'll like, then I don't even want to bother with one I'm not sure about!

So no, I am not interested. I'd put it in my bio if I felt it would be noticed, but until then I'll just have to keep clicking "Decline, Decline, Decline." I really wish I could just put a block on invites. Like the way I'd like to block all those stupid "Writing.com Convention Time!" e-mails. I'M NOT INTERESTED!! Okay?? *sigh*

My second rant is about intelligence. Why do people assume I am an intellectual? I'm certainly NOT an intellectual! All right, before I go further, let me assure you that I do NOT deem being an intellectual a bad thing--in fact, I would LOVE to be an intellectual. My definition of an intellectual is merely a person more intelligent than I am--somebody who can write lengthy letters or posts on intelligent subjects and can back their comments up with facts and figures and ration and logic, whereas with me, all you get is fantasy and made-up things and lots of lots of emotions. I've never denied that I'm primarily an emotional/feeling type, not a thinking/reasoning type. Heck, isn't it OBVIOUS? I'm ranting about invites and intellectuals, for God's sake! But anyway. I KNOW I'm not stupid--but I am nowhere near as intelligent as these people. (In high school I got the yellow honor cord, but I never participated in the extracurricular Odyssey of the Mind or whatever honor societies--those people were too smart for me! I literally fit into neither group--not a cool person, not a geek. Too smart and geeky to be cool, not smart or geeky enough to be a geek! I was just...nobody. Nothing special. And mildly geeky, to boot.) And whenever confronted by intellectuals for whatever reason, I always feel so very, very ignorant. It's not that they talk down to me--it's that they DON'T, so then I have no clue how to reply without feeling like a total moron. And I'm sure that sours the entire thing.

Example. I once got invited to an intellectuals Club at Yahoo! Puzzled, I went to see what it was about, first. And...it was full of these people talking about all sorts of things I DID NOT UNDERSTAND! And it wasn't even quantum physics or anything like that! I think it was mostly political and literary...but still, I just had no comprehension of it at all. I felt so stupid and ashamed. I backed out, deleted the invite, and NEVER set foot there again.

Why did they even invite me? I assume because I had such arcane interests as "Egyptian Mythology" and "Abnormal Psychology" and such listed on my profile--if you're interested in such geeky subjects, you MUST be an intellectual. That's wrong. (I'm even a member of Brainstorms, an intellectual website, and...all I can ever do is post photographs I've taken, since even the conversations I'm interested in are too advanced for me! They can be discussing the intricacies of music and all I would be able to say is, "Oh, I like that one song by Adiemus! It sounds cool. Orchestra. Hum hum hum..." *meekly backs out of conversation* How moronic is that?) And in fact, it's even worse when I meet an intellectual in one of my subjects of interest. I have yet to reply to an e-mail I got concerning Egyptian mythology since it's all so sophisticated and I can't offer any sort of intelligent reply. All I'll be able to say is, "Um, thanks for commenting on my story, but about all that other stuff, well...I don't know. I just make this stuff up. Sorry." How STUPID will that make me look?

I got an intelligent question concerning Ojibwa mythology and I never even replied to it because I felt so ashamed that this person assumed that just because I write about it, I must be an expert. I'm not! I pick up things as I go along, absorb what interests me, forget what doesn't--and usually what I forget is important stuff, too. All I have to work with is fantasy and emotions, and those do not make for very intellectual works. I am constantly terrified of being found out once somebody REALLY reads one of my stories and sees the lack of specific details, the little things that make a story "just right" and realistic. I am a fraud. All this time I've gone on emotional things alone in the hopes that readers would be so caught up in the feelings that they wouldn't even notice how I skipped over the logic. Maybe that's why intellectuals frighten me so much--I know someday they will discover what a sham I really am. When all I can say in response is, "Uh, thanks, but I have no clue what you're talking about," then they'll know.

In fact I had to do that very thing yesterday. :( I'm assuming it was a positive review--it was four stars, a good rating. But it had questions in it, and very intelligent comments, and references to things I just don't understand. I even went to read the reviewer's items and...I could not understand them either! It's not that they were written in gibberish--it's that my mind just isn't advanced enough to understand. I could pick up a bit here and there, but not nearly enough to even offer a rating and a good comment--I was too stupid to understand it! I was even too stupid to be able to tell whether the questions asked in the review were actual questions in search of answers, or rhetorical. Even worse, were they symbolic, or literal? I really wanted to reply but had no idea what to say. Finally I had to admit I had no real idea what the reviewer was asking me about...I answered the questions as best I could, assuming that they were literal and really in search of answers...I'm pretty sure they were not meant to be literal, so I probably made a total ass out of myself. Furthermore I had to inform the user that I was sorry, but he was just too smart for me; even his own writing was. I hope he does not take that the wrong way. I didn't mean it as an insult, unless it's aimed at me. My brain is really just too stupid to understand most things other people refer to. Maybe it's because I have no real-world experience to draw from? For example I really CAN'T tell the difference between just joking or when people really mean something. (Like every time my dad teases me, it makes me hurt or cry because I take it literally no matter what. And I hate, hate, hate to admit this, S., but when you brought up the hamster, I really did think you were SERIOUS about driving that far! I am such a moron. >_< )

I hate being like this. I would so love to be able to write stories with fact and reason behind them. I would love to write things that are more than wind and bluster and emotion! I would love to know whether someone is joking or being rhetorical or being serious. And I would so love to be able to converse with and learn from all those people who know so much more about mythology and psychology and such than I do, but...I can't even ask them questions, because they're all on such a higher level than I am. It would be like somebody walking into a room full of Nobel-winning scientists and asking stupidly, "What makes a leaf green?" I look at these people and all I can think is, if I were REALLY as into these subjects as I say I am, I should KNOW all these things already. I should be able to just CHAT with these people and hold my own. I should at least be able to ask EDUCATED questions, and answer questions, rather than ask stupid questions ANYBODY with a REAL interest should know the answer to. I should know so much, much more.

I don't even visit Kemetic or Ojibwa or Jungian sites because all the people there know so much, and I know so little--all I know is based on my emotional reactions. Oh, I can spend pages telling you what I think about the personality of the Anubis *I* created, but if you were to ask me a simple question concerning his devotees or modes of worship or embalming procedures...I would just have to give you a blank meek look. I couldn't answer you, because I'm too stupid. Or rather I'm not smart enough. Whichever, it's the same thing.

And I don't have the drive or determination to learn more. Chances are I would not understand it anyway--it would be like algebra to me. Like reading a foreign language. Because it's facts and logic and it's not emotionally based, and it would go over my head. I would be stuck asking the same dumb questions over and over, and everyone would politely try to answer but they would really be thinking, "Jeez, what is this moron doing here anyway? Shouldn't she repeat the first grade?"

I actually miss out on a lot of opportunities to learn, which would really interest me, because I'm on such a lower level than everyone else, I'm too ashamed to bother. As if I could get answers anyway; remember the person interested in Jungian psychology on that other diary site who I tentatively asked for references to good books? Never bothered replying. So maybe I shouldn't bother learning. Maybe that person really DID see my note and just deemed me so beyond help that they refused to answer. I wouldn't be surprised.

It's at the point where I see somebody who has an interest similar to mine and first I think, "Oh, wow! I can ask them some questions and learn something from them--people love talking about their interests!" Then I think, "No, I won't bother them. I'm just an ignorant wannabe to them, while they're a TRUE intellectual. They won't want to talk to me."

And experience has mostly proven this true...even when I've dared to ask, and have pointed out that my interests run along the same lines as other people's, they don't respond. Maybe it's because I'm boring, or I'm scary, or too clingy, or maybe they too have looked me over and found me to just be too ignorant to bother with. Who wants to spend time writing to somebody who's their intellectual inferior by a longshot? I know I wouldn't, so why should anyone else?

Thus I don't write to people who are obviously my intellectual SUPERIORS, either. I feel most comfortable with people who seem to be around my own intelligence level--at the very least, we don't really discuss subjects where one of us is superior and one far inferior. I literally don't know how to talk to people "above" or "below" me. I feel I will say the wrong thing--I'll talk down to somebody who doesn't know as much as I do, or else I'll talk about things they don't understand--either way, they're insulted. Ditto with people smarter than I am. It's walking on eggshells. I worry so much about making the right impression either way, and not offending, that I never even learn anything anyway. I'm too embarrassed of asking a stupid question. And you might say there's no such thing as a stupid question, but trust me, there is. If you're a little kid you can get away with asking a Nobel-winning scientist why leaves are green, but if you're in your twenties, you're just going to get a dirty look.

So yesterday I had to make a total ass of myself thanking this person for their review. Truthfully? I really AM curious about this person, their odd questions, and their own writing. But I won't tell them so beyond what I already said (I made brief mention of a shared interest of ours--shouldn't have done that, I know). I already know the outcome either way. They have not replied yet, and I do not expect them to. We're so far apart intellectually that there's no chance of communication.

And that makes me sad, and it makes me feel stupid and ashamed, because there are so many learning and possibly friendship opportunities I am missing out on...but I can't help it. I DID try a few times in the past, but nobody responded. And even if they did, I doubt I'd understand enough for it to work. It's like being from two different classes; you have to have a LOT of drive to make it work, and I just don't have that sort of determination to me. If I don't understand something at first, I usually assume I just wasn't meant to. That's the way it is, and that's why I'm not an intellectual. My brain isn't good enough for it. It's too clouded with all these EMOTIONAL things.

What's odd is that in one of this person's items, they even claimed that they WEREN'T an intellectual. This non-intellectual begs to differ--they stumped me, at least. Though I guess that's not saying much, considering where I'm coming from here. :/

I feel very badly that I probably made myself out to be the world's biggest moron to this reviewer, and to countless others I've come across on the Web. This is another potential reason to add to the list of why people don't reply to me--is it because I'm simply too stupid for them? It's a strong possibility. But I still feel sad. If I knew for sure that my stupid questions wouldn't pester them, and that they would be patient as I tried to learn, and wouldn't mind repeating themselves every so often, then I would LOVE conversing with an intellectual. But, that sort of stuff only happens if you make it past the first impression, and I have fumbled every one of those so far.

Right now that reviewer is probably looking at my reply and thinking, "God, what an idiot. Why did I even ask her those questions?"

Disclaimer. In the very, VERY slim event you feel that YOU are one of the people who inspired this entry, do not feel upset or offended. I'm not angry with anybody (except the Jungian psychology person I briefly mentioned above, and they're definitely not reading this). I just 1. don't like campfire invites, and 2. wish I were not so ignorant and stupid. In the first case I'm mildly irritated with the site system, and in the second, I'm very frustrated with my stupid limited brain. There's absolutely nothing personal here. (Oh. Except the people who join campfires and then stall on their turn while others are wasting their time writing the next scene, and the people who invite me to campfires that seem to have nothing whatsoever to do with my interests. Like that recipe book one. Cripes! Where did that one even come from?)

I have been wanting to write an entry on the Yelling Wal-Mart Customer but I just haven't been in the right frame of mind in which to make a point of such an entry. So I guess this will do for today. If you are an intellectual who would like to take pity on this ignorant moron, and are interested in one of the things I'm interested in, feel free to start educating me. I won't hold my breath, though, since what would such intellectuals be doing even reading this piece of tripe in the first place? :/

Tar for now...