05-02-04 @ 3:08 am EDT

Out of stupidity I joined a few Yahoo! Groups under my social_phobe ID a day or so back. One of them was "Avoidant," a very big Group for people suffering from social anxiety or avoidant personality disorder. I joined because it looked like it was frequently posted to. Membership was moderated, which means one of the three Group mods had to let me in. That means that at least one of them KNEW I was joining.

Still, I hesitated joining because 1. I've had lousy luck with just about EVERY topical forum I post to--I'll say hello and introduce myself, and nobody even bothers responding. They'll say you can vent any time you like, and I will, and at the most I might get ONE person giving a tiny reply, usually a stupid one like "Wow your mad" or something, then nothing else. Even in forums where all the other members are supposedly suffering like me, it's like I'm invisible. And 2. I hate trying to join moderated places because I hate simply bothering people, period. But I did it anyway. Stupid moron that I am.

After joining I gained access to the messages and looked them over. One of the most recent ones posted by one of the mods was a "Tell us about yourself!"-type post, an attempt to get more shy people to talk as the Group was apparently languishing, despite my earlier observation of it being popular. I swallowed my embarrassment and decided to reply to the post first off. I didn't WANT to be first, as that makes me look grabby and attention seeking, but she wanted people to post, and I was new, and I know how it feels to run a Group where people join but no one ever posts. (People STILL join that Egyptian mythology Group but nobody ever posts. It's quite stupid. I just let their applications lie around for weeks until I should ever remember to go over there and let them in, who cares anymore.) At the risk of looking like an idiot I decided I would take her up on her offer, be nice, and reply.

I posted a bio about myself which of course went longer than intended...and I only feel DOUBLY stupid about that now. TRIPLY stupid. For you see, MESSAGES from new members are moderated, too--which means one of the three mods had to LET my post through manually. Meaning, again, one of them KNEW I had posted a response to their message.

It was let through a little later on, and I logged off. About an hour ago I remembered posting it and decided to go and see if anyone had replied.

Oh, there are a few more posts. Some of them from one of the mods. But of course NONE of them are replies to MY post.

That wouldn't be QUITE so bad...if one of those posts by the mod wasn't one demanding to know why the Group was so "silent" and why "nobody is posting but a few people" and how she "doesn't want to be the only one posting--what does it take??"

I'll tell you what it takes. REPLYING TO THE NEWBIE WHO REPLIED TO YOUR POST WOULD HELP A LOT! Because of this "Where is everybody?" post which came RIGHT after MY post...I feel like I was totally overlooked. An anxious person who doesn't even exist in a forum for anxious people! How doubly HUMILIATING is that? When I KNOW at least one of the mods knows I am there--they had to admit me AND admit my post. I go to the trouble of replying and oh, it doesn't count, where is everybody ELSE? Screw Tehuti, she doesn't mean anything at all. None of the other people who posted, even those who replied to the MOD, replied to ME. Not one person at all. Not even the likely person who ADMITTED my post in the first place. Wow, sorry I made you waste your time letting my post through since it means so LITTLE. I thought maybe it counted for something--stupid, stupid me.

I'm strongly leaning toward quitting the Group--and I only just joined. I've only posted one post, a response to the mod, and she apparently hasn't even noticed it. You think in a forum about AVOIDANCE, at least SOMEBODY would say hello to you after asking that YOU introduce yourself first. I guess not. I guess I am just not welcome in ANY of those fucking Groups. Self-injurers, avoidant people, no, I don't count even among those of my own KIND. I'm NEVER accepted there. It hurts to be invisible to the rest of the world, but even more badly, it hurts to be invisible even to others like you. That's the ultimate humiliation, the thing that really lets you know that you don't matter one bit to anyone. I really thought such people would understand, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered joining. I was wrong. Again. I'm always wrong.

If I were a more outspoken person I would go back and reply to her "Where is everybody? How can we improve this Group?" post with:

"You want more interaction? Try at least replying to the newbie who swallowed her fear and bothered replying to YOU in the first place. Keep in mind she felt like a total ass making that post, yet dared to anyway, thinking that just MAYBE here was a group of people who would understand where she was coming from. Give her some reason to believe that she wasn't TOTALLY wrong and didn't TOTALLY waste hers and everyone else's time. Give her some reason to not feel like a TOTAL idiot for bothering to speak up. Let her know that at least SOMEBODY noticed her. At the very least, TRY to make your 'Avoidant' Group LOOK like it's serving its purpose--letting us know we're not alone, that SOMEBODY cares. Maybe, just maybe, THEN somebody else will care to post more often. Because right now, that somebody certainly isn't going to be me. And if this kind of 'welcome' is all that every newbie meets with, then that somebody isn't going to be anyone."

Great Group. Glad I wasted my time joining and posting. Thanks for nothing, guys. You just verified another shy person's fears that she means absolutely nothing to anyone.