06-22-04 @ 2:59 am EDT

My RTMI readers seem to have gone missing. Both of them. :/ Well, past experience shows they'll probably show up sometime in the future...I have to say probably because I always doubt everything, even if it's been 100% accurate before. So I won't go blithering on and on about that, as every time I do I end up feeling guilty I doubted them when they return; I just wished to state it as, if I don't put it out there, then I'll be agonizing over it forever. So after I post that perhaps I can stop worrying about THAT one little thing, at least.

I've been doing a lot of agonizing lately. I had thought I resolved the issue regarding the...hold on.

Okay. I had thought I resolved the issue regarding the person I was writing to about the spirituality thing, as I had a dream about it, and decided to just send that along and tell her what I was really thinking and feeling, while trying not to be too whiny or blaming or angry or anything. She replied not long after with an apology and suggested it would be best if she could try to keep me informed of when she would and wouldn't be able to write back, since she of course is busy. Which was perfectly fine with me, because I really CAN wait a long time for people, if I just know that they do plan on returning for sure. (I can't help it; I need schedules. At least general ones. Telling me "Later" doesn't help me much when my idea of later might be completely different from somebody else's! But saying, "I can get back to you in a week or two," that I can stand, and it relieves my mind a whole lot more than not saying anything at all, because no matter how many times somebody says they like writing to me, the first thing I always assume is that they aren't writing because they don't want to. Nothing in this entry except that very first paragraph is aimed at anyone on Writing.com, BTW, and like I said those people should be back eventually anyway.) She said that she would be gone for the weekend but back on Sunday. I replied with a very long letter...I apologized profusely even though I had not even attacked her or anything...and...well, that Sunday was about a month ago. I have not heard back. Every day all I have in my Yahoo! inbox is junk mail. There is never a reply from her.

So I guess it doesn't matter whether I try to overcome my shyness or not, whether I try not to explode in people's faces or not...no matter what approach I take...I just can't interest people in replying. Even when they insist they want to, and they will, it just means they won't. And for some reason, I'll never know why. That was my absolute last approach, to just let her know the truth, and now I feel like such an absolute idiot for all that apologetic and explanatory crap I put in my last e-mail. I hate how I poured all that out to her as if she would really care. I hate how I wasted her time and mine. I hate how I actually thought she would reply, how I actually thought I was worth the trouble. I hate how I feel bad no matter what I do. I actually felt bad that I had been polite to her! Because it was a politeness born of hurt. I hate that I was truthful with her, that I thought that letting her know that I had felt hurt would help more than just yelling in her face. And it STILL didn't matter. I still won't hear back, so now I guess it's been proven beyond a doubt that there's no point to me trying to better myself in my approach to others. If they don't appraoch me first, and like me from the start, then they never will. I can't make friends or even cultivate relationships. I don't know why, because I've tried every way I know. But I see no point to trying to be a better person, to be less shy or less angry, if it makes no difference. So I give up. I won't put any hope in making friends or even acquaintances, since people have to approach me first, and for the most part people do not want to do that. Aside from approximately four people on Writing.com, two of whom I knew before I even joined here, there's simply nobody who cares or will care beyond a fleeting hi or bye. I guess this is the way my life is meant to be.

I never wanted to be a social butterfly, but it really hurts learning after all these years that nothing I do will make my life any better or more fulfilling. It hurts that I'm such a lousy person that I will never start any new meaningful relationships. Somehow, it was always easier to believe what everybody else said and blame my shyness...but I know that's not the truth now. And that makes it hurt even more, because that means it's something in me myself, part of me, that people don't care about and never will. And there's no way around it. I will always be like this.

And that wasn't even going to be the point of this entry, but it doesn't get better, so oh well.

What I was ACTUALLY going to write about (oh brother) was reviews...I'm finding it sadder and more discouraging every day. I actually feel stupid writing anything aside from RTMI, and even that, nowadays, knowing that aside from two or three people, nobody will be interested in it. I will always write for myself first, but you have to admit, when you post it publicly, doesn't it feel like a huge waste of time? My Manitou Island tie-in stories stopped being read long ago and possibly as a result (I'm not sure, it's probably a combination of lots of things, lack of interest on my part among them), I've been stuck in the middle of "The Blood Chief" for months, and have not started any more. I posted "Savior," my very first official Ameni Chronicles tie-in story that wasn't an erotica, months ago and it's gotten some reads (or at least hits...too bad one can't tell the difference), but no one has been interested in it--and it's not even a long story. I posted a companion novella, "The Lieutenant's Tale," a few days ago and at last discovered the GC+ Plugs Page (ABOUT TIME they found a way to stop discriminating against higher-rated works around here!--you can't PLUG them anywhere!), and plugged it there because this is a VERY violent, VERY graphic story and I am very interested in gaining feedback on the character development in it. I realize the excessive length of the story works against it, but I've known other people who can say, "Please let me know what you think," and get results...it doesn't work for me. Yes, it's gotten some hits...but no reviews. Well, thank God at the very least some idiot hasn't come along and RATED it without saying anything, like what usually happens nowadays...

But it's not only that. Am I the only one who's noticed a distinct lessening in member participation on the site? Time was when you could post a new short story (yes, something BELOW 40kb--I can do that, on occasion), and it would get at least one or two reviews, in a reasonable period of time. Duh, I proved my naivete yet again when I posted my first-ever items in the horror genre a couple of months back--horror is very popular around here from what I can tell--and expected lots of interest...I got one R&R on one of the stories. Nothing since. Doesn't bother me as much since I don't really care for those stories, but it did surprise me...

And time was, whenever you had an item featured in a newsletter, you were guaranteed a handful of R&Rs in response. I actually had a short story (under 40kb!) featured in the Fantasy Newsletter recently. I have not had ANYTHING in a newsletter in absolutely ages; even RTMI has never made mention, that I know of. :( Yet for some reason "Manabozho & The Maples" was selected a couple of weeks back. It got maybe three or four more hits...and ONE new review.

One review, after being featured in a site-wide newsletter. That's very disappointing, considering what response my other featured items used to get...including "Sovereignty," which I'm pretty sure is OVER 40kb. That definitely proves something, at least. At one point maybe a year or so ago, people were willing to R&R a featured 40kb+ item...nowadays you're lucky to get one R&R for something under 40kb. Strange and sad.

And do you know, unless it was done months ago and the name simply slipped my mind (which is possible--I'm poor with names), I don't think even the person who selected the story for inclusion read or reviewed it. :/ At least, the latest review I got was not from that same person.

This has been the basic reason why I halted all my Kemet writing aside from the Chronicles (and even those, at least the sidestories, I keep considering over again why am I posting these here?), why the Trench Rats and Damien stuff was halted long, long ago, and why now even the Chronicles and the Manitou Island sidestories are flagging. Even RTMI feels to be going downhill. As much as I write for me, it doesn't have the same pleasure to it if hardly anybody else enjoys it. I used to love logging in here and finding reviews, but nowadays when I see something new in my inbox my first reaction is not "Hooray! Somebody read something!" but rather "Cripes, what piece of site-promoting Spam have I gotten NOW?" Because yes, e-mails detailing Writing.com conventions or site changes or the occasional reply to a very rare review that I've actually sent (I myself am complicit in this matter too--but mostly because lots of people here don't understand basic grammar and punctuation, and that's a real turnoff when trying to read something for enjoyment) are about all there is to look forward to nowadays. The..."passion"...for writing just seems to have faded away, just as the passion for reading seems to have faded as well.

It isn't to say I hate writing now. In fact, just yesterday morning I sat and wrote almost 20kb of "Aku The Atrocious," a new Ameni Chronicles sidestory, in one sitting. I love writing. I plan to work on more later on today.

The thing is that, it's kind of hard to feel happy and accomplished when I'm more busy sitting here thinking, "Once I finish this, should I even bother posting it up there?" Because all of us know, unless one of those anonymous people comes along and rates it a one or a two or a three (-point five) (*steam*), it won't be garnering any ratings or especially reviews in the months to come.

And my port just feels like this incredible waste of time and space nowadays. And that makes me sad, in more ways than one. I've always hated feeling like I'm wasting anyone's time, but I've been getting that feeling an awful lot nowadays. :(

I guess that's all for today...tar...