07-21-04 @ 9:26 am EDT

This is typed offline. Another junk, I've-been-suppressing-this-way-too-long entry with no purpose, so you can leave while you've been warned...

I have various topics I wish to discuss today. They are:

* that past reviewer of mine
* an e-mail I sent
* shampooing
* my Chronicles
* ummm...whatever else I happen to remember after all that

Okay, going in that order, I guess...

I just learned that the person who offered the lower ratings and the critical reviews on a couple of my fantasy stories a longtime back, which I'm still hurting over (see some older entry, I forget which, for the whole story), and whom I had no reason to believe was interested in my writing whatsoever, is in fact another person who had recently offered some encouraging comments on my adult writing. Learning this left me feeling rather stupid, but then again I had no way to know they were the same person. Based on the reviews I got long ago on my MI stories I really did have reason to believe they didn't like my writing. I found this detail out in one of the forums where they explained themselves and I replied to the post. Probably shouldn't have. I tried to insinuate that I had some further things I wished to explain to them about the old situation, but knowing the way of things I doubt they will ever see my post, and even if they do, why would they even respond. Despite their more recent encouraging comments, I still have little reason to believe they really like my writing.

The thing is, I really want to e-mail them (they left an open door by asking that anyone who was interested in their since-deleted writing--and I DID enjoy reading their adult journal--to contact them and let them know) and explain all, but that would be rude of me. "Um, hello, out of the blue here I am, the one you criticized like two years ago, and this is why I'm still hurt over that"? How rude would that be? It would come across like an attack, and who knows, maybe it is. Probably. I just so much hate things being left unresolved, and I do still hurt over what I perceive was a misunderstanding regarding the writing of mine they criticized. They basically told me to "Research more" because everything was inaccurate...when the deal was, I was writing fantasy, based VERY loosely on their subject of expertise--I HAD read and researched! It's just that, for MY fantasy world, those real-world things did not apply. I have an entire explanation of everything they criticized specifically, too, so I could explain why I feel their comments did not apply to my writing. And I also have an apology that I was not clearer in stating that my writing was not meant to be historically or culturally accurate, though truthfully, I had thought the "fantasy" category made that much clear. I can admit when I'm wrong and I have even since put a disclaimer on the folder in question to clarify that the writing is NOT meant to be accurate because of course, I made it up. The criticism offered holds no water, to put it bluntly, because I'm not even writing about the same people this person thought I was writing about. I'm writing about people *I* made up--based only LOOSELY on those people. If I wasn't clear, that's fine, I can apologize; but I'm still very stung by the insinuation that I plunged into my writing without any research. I have actually read as much as I can find on this subject, and I'm still reading. It's just that that stuff doesn't always APPLY to my writing. For someone to assume I was totally ignorant when I set out...well, truth is, I WAS, but I taught myself along the way. And it hurt that they claimed I had not done my homework when I had, I just didn't feel it had any place in the story.

And what bothers me almost as much is, the very reason I contacted this person in the first place was because I had hoped to learn more from THEM. I even stated as much. They seemed far more interested in directing me to the library, or toward other locations I have no access to. When I had simply wanted to open a correspondence and maybe even become friends. They live not far from me; maybe we could have even gone to see the island together someday. I would so much love to go there with somebody ELSE who loves it, instead of dragging my poor mother along, and she hates the island. Yeah, I know, this is really jumping the gun here, talking about real-life outings with somebody I've only briefly corresponded with online...but I had hoped we could write to each other more. They seemed to think I just wanted pointers toward sources of information in books and such. (When I don't even have access to the local library, much less one that isn't local.) I felt rather hurt when my curiosity led to this brushoff, too. I got this distinct feeling that they didn't mind giving me pointers, but as for actually being friends, sorry, don't want to. What hurt most was when this person I had tried to befriend as a registered author later became a preferred and then a mod and seemed to forget I even existed. I recall that one of their earliest responses to a review I sent to them was that I had encouraged them to write and share more of their writing. Yet when they were blue and thanked other people publicly, my name was never there. It's a given by now that anybody I knew before they became a mod will quickly forget about me once they are made blue. I don't know why, this is just the way it is.

I'm sorry, this should have been violet. Didn't expect it to get this whiny. Oh well.

Anyway, I saw the ratings they gave those stories of mine--3.5's--and that hurt a lot because I felt that my actual technical skills--spelling, formatting, grammar, characterization and such--weren't taken into account when rating, just the fact that they assumed I hadn't done my research. I didn't even read the actual REVIEWS for years. And you saw how I reacted when I finally did. -_- It just hurt even more. They offered me a merit badge a long while later and I was just mystified. Why did they give me that when they weren't even reading my port?--they'd never commented on anything of mine except those two stories, and they hadn't cared for them. I never did thank them for the merit badge, because I didn't understand the spirit in which it was given. I felt even angrier that it was sitting there. I honestly wanted to send it back.

And then to learn that this is the SAME person who complimented me on some of my OTHER writing...I feel very stupid. I understand the merit badge, now. So that's okay. And I don't feel QUITE so bitter as I did before I realized they actually HAD read more than just those two stories, and apparently like some of my stuff, though they were never a frequent visitor and never will be. So I suppose that's all right. But now that they put their own stuff out in the open, I wish I could do the same with them. I wish I could let them know, up front, how much those old reviews hurt me, how I believe they misunderstood my writing intent, what I really meant when I wrote that fiction, and even more I would like again to try to open up a friendly correspondence--and try to just get to KNOW each other, and learn from this person, like I tried to way back when they were a registered. Because I really did and do want to learn from them. But there is still this big chunk of hurt in me, that even while they like my OTHER writing, my MI writing, well, they think I'm an ignorant idiot who doesn't do my research and made their own subject of expertise into a joke. When that's not it at all. But I hate asking to learn from people when it's obvious I made a bad first impression on them. Why would they want to teach me anything when they fully believe I'm not even willing to learn from books? Why would anyone want to teach me anything at all.

When I first ran across this person's writing I was so very thrilled--they were the first one, besides myself, who wrote about that stuff who I'd come across online. And then to hear that they knew more about this subject, and that they even live right near where I do--it just seemed like wonderful luck. Somebody who might have walked a few of the paths I've walked and is interested in the things I'm interested in! It seemed too good to be true. Well, it was. After my first comments to them, they realized my own writing was not what they had expected and just gave me a few pointers to the library and drifted away. And I left them alone because I felt so angry and hurt over that. I still feel angry and hurt and wish to explain my piece--so maybe I could at least let it go, and at most maybe open up a friendship. But I can't think of a good reason why I should expect them to give a damn, nor why they would want to hear from an idiot like me after all this time. Just sending them my explanation out of the blue with no good reason would be incredibly rude and yet another bad impression. So I guess they will never know and I will just go on knowing they believe I'm ignorant and not worthy of their time.

This bothers me very much. I hate it when I have some bad feelings toward a person yet still want to be their friend. Unfortunately this seems to happen with everybody I write to more than once. When I'm lucky, we lapse into a sort of on-again, off-again thing where I at last reach a point where I can send friendly e-mails, yet I never really expect these people to actually be there or want to hear from me. I can be nice to them, and like hearing from them and writing to them, but I can never just unload on them and yap my brains out like I do with people I REALLY trust. Which is nobody. There is always SOME tiny sign, usually unintended I bet, that they do not want to hear all my crap, so I try not to tell them everything I really wish to say. If they want to know something in specific they usually have to ask me first else it will remain unsaid no matter how much it's weighing on me. Otherwise I try hard not to bother them when I'm upset. Those are the lucky people. The unlucky ones, they never hear from me again and whenever I do think of them, it's with an awful lot of anger and spite. I guess they're fortunate that they probably don't even know who they are, but I'm not very fortunate in that I'm the one thinking about them all the time.

Hm, that doesn't even have much to do with the original point. To make it short, I still feel some upset toward this person and wish I could explain why I feel they hurt me, but I would still be interested in pursuing some correspondence and learning from them. But I doubt they would care, so I guess that's that.

The next-to-last paragraph up there actually ties in a bit with this next topic...

I sent out an e-mail response to someone several days ago and now I feel very stupid about it all. I so completely unloaded way too much of myself on them in that one e-mail. It was as long as a NOVELLA, and I KNOW I said some very personal things I probably should not have said. I just can't seem to help it; when people trigger the right response, I can't stop talking. No matter how personal the issue is, no matter how stupid I know I will feel later on after they must have read it.

I'm not even sure if the e-mail reached them safely or if it's all been read yet. It's been several days with no response though they are active online. I'm betting I'm only overreacting again. But I did give them plenty of reason to not want to reply to it, with how LONG and insanely personal this thing was. I should not have written the bulk of that e-mail. I wish I knew when to respect boundaries--I wish I could even SEE boundaries--and not cross them, and know when to just shut up because NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THAT. In fact based on something they have said which I KNOW they were not applying to me--I feel even stupider. I'm a very one-track person, and in that e-mail, I was very fixated on one particular subject of mine, the one I yap about all the time seemingly without end. After reading that I feel like an idiot. I'm exactly that way. I babble on and on and on about things nobody wants to hear about. That's why that e-mail was so long, because I could not SHUT UP. I was asked, but did I really have to give such a long response? I'm certain it wasn't wanted--not THAT long. It's just that, I get asked so infrequently about my own interests, that when I finally am, I can't stop talking--it's like a floodgate opening. Nobody in real life asks about what I care about, and it rarely happens online. So when somebody does ask, I don't know where to stop. There's like no boundary for me. I have to get it all out as soon as I can, because who knows when the next time I might hear from or be able to write to this person will be? Chances are I will just scare them off right off the bat--which I very well could have done, with that e-mail. I was very long and rambly and scary in it. I wish I were like normal people--even all the people who e-mail ME in a friendly manner can keep all their responses under 10kb. I can never keep mine under 15kb, if I'm lucky. (This last e-mail was four times that length. -_- )

So now they are probably STILL trying to wade their way through that pile of junk I spewed out, if they are even able to at all...and trying to think of a reasonable response to such insane rambling...I hate how I always write 40kb+ e-mails and everyone's responses are like 10kb. Not that I wish they would babble more like I do--I just hate how I can't babble less. All I can think of when I read the much-shorter responses is, look at all the stuff I talked about that they didn't comment on. That's because they COULDN'T comment on it, and so had to kind of skip over it and comment on the few things they could. I do the same thing, yes, but with my stupid e-mails others have to do it much more, because all I blither about is stupid things that nobody can relate to. You notice that if you write to me about your everyday life, MY response will actually be the short one? That's because I can't relate to anyone else's everyday life. That's how pathetic my own life is, when I have to babble about my writing and crap just to fill something in. And then I can't shut up. And as a result, I probably scare everyone off.

It's only been several days, but since it's been that long, all I can think of is how stupid I was to write such a long response that it takes that long even to read it or whatever, if it got through. I feel like I should apologize but I feel too stupid to comment on it anywhere but here. I'm sorry I can't ever shut up about myself, I know I'm very self-centered and dull. I wish I could stop, but I don't have anything else I could write about, otherwise. I guess if somebody just comes out and tells me, I won't write at all. I want to write to people, but I really do not want to bore them. And there's no way 90% of that e-mail was in any way interesting to anybody but me.

Away from the violet crap, I guess, though after all that the rest of this seems stupid. :( Well. I've been trying out different kinds of shampoos lately, though one can hardly try them out, since you have to buy the whole damn bottle. The deal is I have very dry frizzy damaged hair so I seek out the really heavy moisturizing shampoos and conditioners. For a very long time I simply used Herbal Essences Replenishing Shampoo & Conditioner (with Hawafena, whatever that is), made for dry or damaged hair, since it was made with all that fruit and nuts and junk. I dunno, fruits and nuts and junk in shampoo just makes it sound like it's better. *shrug* Then I spotted their Intensive Blends Triple Conditioning System shampoo and conditioner, and switched to that. It resulted in making my hair slightly heavier, which IS NOT A BAD THING! Despite what all the stupid shampoo commercials will make you think! My hair is thin and wispy and I WANT it heavier!! The thing is, it's ALSO dry and damaged, and I can't very well use TWO different shampoos in a day, so it's either a body-building one or a moisturizing one. And seeing as I think my trouble with frizz is greater than my trouble with hair body or thickness, I have to pick the moisturizer.

What the hell do I know?? I don't have a stylist or anything; I have to merely guess. It doesn't matter what I use anyway--I shampoo and condition once a day, plus use a buttload of anti-frizz serums and junk; I towel and then air dry (NEVER a blowdryer or heat source or even wind--I just let it hang), and brush it only once when it's wet, and as little as possible when it's dry; I don't go anywhere near styling gels or sprays anymore since I used to go WAY overboard with those when I wore my hair long, and I know I'd just do that again. In short, I am as frigging careful and gentle with my stupid hair as I possibly can be. Yet the damn stuff STILL frizzes and fluffs and fuzzes and acts up no matter WHAT I do! Once in a while I get lucky and if the stars are aligned right and Mercury doesn't happen to be in retrograde (who the hell knows, there has to be SOME sort of unseen influence), my hair acts okay. But the very next day the weather and temperature and conditions could be EXACTLY the same--I could shampoo and condition and dry and serumize my hair EXACTLY the same as I did the day before--I could follow EVERY single brush stroke or finger combing I did twenty-four hours previously--and the hair will act like TOTAL CRAP. I can't explain it. There is absolutely NO reason most of the time why my hair is okay (never nice) one day and lousy the next. I've looked at every possibility and it just makes no sense whatsoever. It follows its own rules, I guess. With how carefully I treat it, there is no reason why it should still be so dry and frizzy and damaged! The only thing I haven't done yet is DIP IT IN OIL! Which I may very well do, someday; can't be any worse.

Well anyway...I decided to compare shampoos. I saw a commercial advertising Infusium as a great shampoo for nice shiny hair; they ALL say that, but I go for the ones with the weirder, more penetrating-sounding names or ingredients...I know, I'm a sucker. Head & Shoulders? Not a chance--too generic, plus it's a shampoo and conditioner in ONE!--I want them SEPARATE! Garnier Fructis? The name is just too damn strange (it sounds like a curse word--"Fruc you! Fruc you!"), plus, they always show people tying hair in knots in those commercials!! Ugh!! STOP DOING THAT!! And yes, this was the very reason I avoided Pantene for a long time--that, and the fact that when I long ago used Ma's regular Pantene, it hardly lathered, and to me that was a bad thing. (Besides, doesn't Pantene sound more like a feminine hygiene product of some kind, anyway? Ick.)

Well anyway again...I decided I would try out this Infusium, since the name made me think, infuuuuuse--it's infusing your hair with shiny goodness. That must be good with a name like that, plus it has pro-vitamins, whatever those are. (All I know of pro-vitamins is that they always seem to be in the good hair stuff.) So I decided to take a plunge and try a new shampoo. Herbal Essences was nudged to the side.

I bought the Infusium 23 Moisturizing Shampoo and Conditioner, of course; plus a bottle of Moisturizing Leave-In Treatment. (I had already been using Pantene Pro-V Detangle Light Spray Conditioner, ProVitamin Vitamin E InstantRepair Hair Serum, ProVitamin Vitamin C AntiFrizz Hair Serum, and more lately Citré Shine Shine Miracle Polishing Serum, after shampooing and conditioning, as leave-ins. YES I know I go overboard! You do not have my hair, until you do, go to hell!) After washing what I noticed most of all was the SMELL. My hair did not smell like weird too-sweet freaky overripe fruit anymore! It smelled like what I thought at first was coconut, but was more likely just...SOAP. Shampoo smell! Despite what you might think I liked that smell very much; it was nice and refreshing, after all that...rosehips and aloe and jojoba or whatever. And when I was done I included the new leave-in with the rest of my leave-in's. I'm not so anal about leave-in's as I am about shampoos and conditioners--with shampoo and conditioner, they must come in a set, a matched pair, and I will NOT mix-and-match. Leave-in's, it's free for all, everybody's invited and everybody can stay and make love in my hair. I don't mind. Infusium, say hello to Pantene and ProVitamin and Citré Shine, I'm sure they'll all love you.

Well, the Infusium did seem slightly better than the Herbal Essences, but not as spectacular as I'd hoped. Yah, I know--those commercials with the women with their GLEAMING glossy hair are SO fake. They have STYLISTS! And SALON PRODUCTS! And SPECIAL LIGHTING. I don't care how many times the lady from Everybody Loves Raymond flips her hair and states how she feels free to use Head & Shoulders--that is NOT the effect of Head & Shoulders she's showing there, it's the effect of personal professional stylist and high-end styling products. I am living proof none of these shampoos and conditioners REALLY do that to your hair.

Well, that's how it was with the Infusium. Sigh. I kept using it if only because it smelled nice. And the leave-in has CASTOR OIL in it! I heard Britney Spears uses castor oil! I actually went looking for castor oil treatments online but you either have to buy special high-end conditioners with that in it, or else soak your hair in it for thirty minutes and then was it out; and I don't exactly have thirty minutes in which to soak my hair in oil which probably won't work anyway. So...

During my online browsing for special anti-frizz techniques ("Stay out of the humidity!"--well, DUH, dumbass!--what if the humidity, I dunno, is all around where you live??), I came across a site recommending special shampoos for just such a problem. There was one called Drench, I remember that, and that just made me start to drool. DRENCH. Doesn't that sound like the BEST shampoo and conditioner EVER? Unfortunately our stores do not sell anything called Drench. *sigh* But to my surprise I came across a little fact that said when polled, lots of people online swore by Pantene Pro-V Smooth & Sleek Shampoo and Conditioner as the best anti-frizz pair. Go figure...Pantene, the brand I'd been ignoring all along! Because it didn't lather enough! And it sounds like it should be a pantyliner!

Well, this one interested me because it too had a nice name--Smooth & Sleek--plus, a bunch of people responded to a poll and said they liked it! How much more authoritative can you get than that? (Yes, this is how my mind works when it comes to hair. All reason and logic goes out the window. SHUT UP!) So when we next went to Wal-Mart, for the very first time aside from picking up the leave-in conditioner, I went to really look at the Pantene products. And there I found it, voila--Smooth & Sleek, in the green-labeled bottles. And what's more, they even had another item I'd seen recommended online, Pantene Pro-V Frizz Down Deep Moisturizing Treatment!! Meant to be used once a week or as often as needed!! *severe droolage* I snatched up the smaller-sized bottles of shampoo and conditioner, plus a tube of the Frizz Down, and vowed to try them the next day. All those poll respondents couldn't be wrong, could they?

Well...again, the Pantene seemed slightly better than the Infusium...but not by much. And even with a generous dollop of that Frizz Down, which I DID make sure to leave in for three full minutes (usually I don't bother leaving in conditioners several minutes before washing them out--don't have time, or a watch, for that matter), there wasn't a huge difference. Hair still frizzed and looked poorly. *sigh* I had been SO SURE about the Pantene, too. I mean, this kind even LATHERED! It didn't smell QUITE as nice and strong as the Infusium, but at least it wasn't rosehips and Hawafena and whatever the hell they put in Herbal Essences. (Ma's first response to my first shampoo switch?--"It smells a lot better. I can't stand that other stuff.")

I switched back to the Infusium just a couple of days to see if there really was a difference or if it had been just me, but yes, there was a difference--Pantene was better. Infusium made the hair feel lighter (ugh) but smoother (good) when brushing it and waiting for it to dry, but Pantene held out longer, gave the hair more weight, and kept it smoother even after it was dry. So I went back to the Pantene.

Well, wouldn't you know it, I THEN saw an add for...Tresemmé! Oo la la! They showed accented guys in a hair salon talking of how Tresemmé is just like that used in European salons, yet it costs only a fraction of the price of high-end shampoos like Pantene! I had heard of Tresemmé enough times to know that "Oo la la," but never paid it any attention until that. What the hey, it's as good as professional stuff, so they said, and it costs less, so why not?

(Yes, my hair-brain logic again...like a bunch of French guys know so much more about how to style my hair. I can't help it, it really sounded impressive. SHUT...UP!)

And so the very next Friday, I sought out the Tresemmé...oo la la. Turns out this stuff comes in these HUGE bottles, yet they are only $2-something apiece, about half as much as the Pantene and everything else, which comes in much smaller bottles. Damn! I even tried finding smaller bottles in case I didn't like the Tresemmé, but apparently it's all wholesale-size in these humongous bottles. So, I got the two giganto bottles of Tresemmé Vitamin E Moisture Rich Shampoo & Conditioner...I just realized that's a fun word to type out, except for that dumb accented E...and brought them home. Unfortunately, I was too wary to try them the next day since they didn't look as impressive as the other kinds. I mean, the shampoo is in a big black bottle and the conditioner is in a big white bottle and they are very plain, despite the cool pro-vitamin stats all over the bottles, and you can't even see the color of the shampoo, plus, they smell like weird freaky FRUIT again! >_< After all this, that Infusium had a really nice smell... And I was peeved with myself when I saw that they had little charts on the back about how well they help the hair, and while the chart on the shampoo made it clear that this was the type I wanted, that on the conditioner made it seem like I should have gotten the Revitalizing Conditioner or whatever because it is DEEP CONDITIONING, whereas the Vitamin E Moisture Rich is just medium conditioning. Yes, this really bothered me--until I convinced myself that conditioning doesn't necessarily equal moisturizing. Then I felt a little better. Damn I need bigger things to worry about.

It was two or three full days before I at last tried the Tresemmé, and that was just yesterday. So...that's what I've got in my hair right now. And...the Pantene is better. *wails* I can't STAND how I keep falling for these damn shampoo ads! They all make them seem like they will be SO PERFECT, when I just KNOW that those are special lighting and styling effects and my hair will NEVER perform those wonderful feats. But I had to try. This was my one rare chance to actually try something and see which is best, and I can safely tell you, that out of Herbal Essences, Infusium, Pantene, and Tresemmé (oo la la), Pantene Smooth & Sleek is the best. Not by a MILE, mind you, but at least slightly somewhat better. I guess. *sigh*

But NONE of them, not even with all those leave-in's included...hold up to humidity. NONE. Not a SINGLE one. I wash, and condition, and slather with leave-in's, yet if I should sweat enough that my hair gets damp...or take a hot bath and let the bathroom steam up even while my hair never touches the water...or get caught in the rain...it will frizz ALL to hell, and even spraying on more and more and yet more Pantene Light Spray Conditioner or Infusium Moisturizing Leave-In Treatment won't help it whatsoever. That's right! Even the leave-in's, which it says you can use in case of frizz when your hair is dry, don't do a damned thing. Oh, they help a bit so long as they're still WET, but as soon as they DRY, it's like you didn't do a thing. I actually wear a chook on my head, or put my woefully short hair in as best a crappy tail as I can, and curse the humidity which otherwise wouldn't bother me a bit, and cry when I get caught in the rain, because there will be nothing I can do, short of washing and conditioning and serumizing and air-drying all over again...and again and again and again...

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING THE HELL OUT THERE FOR HUMIDITY?!? It's frigging SUMMER here and I actually avoid going outdoors because my HAIR MIGHT FRIZZ UP! Have you any idea how this is for somebody who WANTS to go outdoors--??

I even looked all over the web...it seems you must have a special European personal stylist named Pierre or Francois or some such if you want your hair to obey at all like they do in the commercials. Y'know what I saw not long after I bought the Pantene, BTW? A Pantene commercial showing a woman on the beach with long impossibly glossy hair, and a voice saying, "Want to test how well Pantene works? Take a look at your hair out in the sun..." Yeah, whatever, lady--I'm betting that beach ain't HUMID!

I probably had more to say but I'm derailing and I haven't even finished this entry yet...so let's just say that it's back to the Pantene tomorrow, and moving on now... o_o

I accidentally came across an adult fanfiction site a while back but put off joining because I wasn't clear on one of the rules. This site was created in the wake of FanFiction.net's (and later the spinoff FictionPress.net's) decision to ban adult works from their site. This didn't affect me much since I stopped posting there over two years ago--tech support NEVER, ever replies to my numerous requests that they just modify the upload/edit page a tiny bit, so I can at last edit Manitou Island--which I haven't been able to do for TWO YEARS because there are too many fields all on one page! A PG-13 work, and I had to stop short of ten chapters and leave my readers hanging because I could no longer even edit it to say I can't edit it! And most readers do not care to follow you to another site, so...I lost all of the readers I gained there. Out of protest, I simply decided not to post any of my work there ever again until they should fix that page, which would be simple and cheap enough. But they NEVER even send automated responses, and the last time I checked (maybe a month ago), the page had not changed--same error is still there. (For those of you who made surveys on Writing.com in the early days, and had trouble loading the old page, that was similar to my problem at FFN, only mine was WAY worse--I can't do a thing! Writing.com at last divided surveys into several sections, I'm willing to bet for this very reason--yet FFN/FPN won't do the same. Screw them.) Yet, oddly enough, there IS still somebody in charge patrolling the site, since authors of "lemons"--adult fics--are STILL getting their works removed, and are still receiving suspensions for violating the rules...yet whoever is doing this can't be bothered to fix a simple site glitch. Piss off then, FFN/FPN. I'll take my business elsewhere.

I do still somehow get a comment there now and then, however, and it's sad, because those people who enjoy my work will never even know, unless they read my bio (which most don't do), that I don't even post there anymore, because the webmaster doesn't give a damn about his users. Oh well...*shrug*

ANYWAY! I found this adult fanfic site which had been made out of protest over FFN's new restrictions...I wish I had found it sooner. For you can post ORIGINAL works as well, and the ONE taboo that most adult writing sites don't allow in their writing (you should know what it is--and no, it isn't rape, incest, or bestiality--for some odd reason those are perfectly fine almost anywhere you go) is allowed there. Otherwise, I would have posted my Ameni Chronicles in more places and gained more readers. The fact that since it's set in ancient times, this taboo topic pops up often, has kept me from being able to post it ANYWHERE but here. And on Writing.com, until very recently it had only one reader. (It has somehow since gained another...*droolagedroolagedroolage*)

Well, I hesitated joining, then did and started to post...I wish I'd joined sooner. I got comments on my first two scenes there, and the first chapter of the Chronicles started drawing hits immediately. I cannot believe how fast things get hits there, and how MANY! It puts Writing.com's stats to SHAME. Granted, the high has worn off a bit since I've posted more single scenes and now people are not really inclined to comment anymore...*sigh*...but the hits are still coming, and a few people latched onto the Chronicles and begged for more chapters so that it's up to Part 5 by now and I really wish I could post EVERYTHING I have so far, but I'm so afraid of losing those readers because I take too long to update. Which I bet will happen anyway. -_- If somebody likes a story of yours, they don't want to know that you work on something OTHER than that sometimes, that sometimes you're just not in the mood for working on the series of interest, that sometimes weeks and even months may pass before inspiration strikes. With my writing at least, most people latch onto one particular storyline or story and stick with it, and aren't interested in the rest. That's fine, it's just that...when that first series falters for too long, and the other series draws me away, the readers get impatient and bored...and with my previous reader of the Chronicles, never come back. That's why I created the update bulletin, to try to stave that off as long as possible, though it's inevitable. I've gone for months without touching some of my stories as I need to take breaks from them, and it'll happen again. I have FINALLY found a place where a potential audience for the Chronicles waits, and now that I have...I'm terrified of losing them already! Why not, my MI writing seems to have lost its fans, maybe because I've taken too long; and it has already happened at least once with the Chronicles. Why not again? I actually got people interested in my Kemet writing not long ago, only to have to tell them that I have not touched that stuff in years. Those people, I'm pretty sure they got bored and moved on already, and I only just enticed them, too. *sigh*

It has felt really, REALLY great to log on and find the occasional new comment on the Chronicles (up to ten so far, way more than anything at Writing.com)--although I wish they were MORE popular, at least they're getting SOMETHING! Which is a lot more than they got here, and even without comments, they are drawing in a buttload of hits (over fifty since I added the last chapter yesterday--the entire story has over 2000 hits so far, way WAY more than here--and it's been posted on Writing.com over a year--I just posted it at this other site on June 29!). But the people are begging already for prompt updates, and I only have up to Part 16.5 written, and I really have to get back to RTMI at some point, and even considering that, I know there will be lapses and losses of inspiration and just plain disinterest on my part regarding this story and I'm afraid that if I go silent TOO long, there go those readers who I only just gained. :*( I know how it is with serial stories that are unfinished and go on hiatus--95% of the time, though the writer means well and promises more, they can just never produce, and the story never ends. I've been there and seen it repeatedly; I've even done it several times (though with series of mine that no one is interested in, thank God!). It gets very frustrating. But I really DO mean it when I say, there might be a lapse, even a long one, but I DO fully intend to return and write more. As long as there are readers, hey, I'm an attention-whore, I'll write more as soon as I can! And when it comes to the Chronicles and anything MI, it's pretty much a guarantee that they will go through to the very end--those two series have gotten ATTENTION, and so HELL YES I am going to keep working on them. I can't help but do so!

BUT...I can't ALWAYS work on them, consistently...my "muse" is fickle and sometimes I really get sick of my writing and have to do something else for a while. And sometimes I really do want to write but I just get STUCK. I finished MI--I can do that again. I just don't know WHEN or in WHAT ORDER. I can promise an ending, but not an end date. I can't even guarantee a timely delivery anymore. All I can say is, it'll come. If you wait for it. And after being burned enough times by enough OTHER writers who promised and never followed through, I'm pretty sure most readers are rather leery of that promise, and of waiting. I can't blame them...though I wish more than anything that they'd believe me!! >_< Although I've been very happy over the new attention, I also feel very unhappy that I can't write MORE and FASTER! I'm not used to feeling pressured on the Chronicles of all things. I really never thought it'd happen. o_o

So the short of all THAT jazz...? I finally got readers for the Chronicles!--yee! However, they want too much too soon, and as soon as I reach the end of prompt updates...will those readers still hang around? Probably not...and that makes me sad. I only just learned they are actually out there! I don't want to lose them so soon!! *cries*

Oh, after all that I forgot to say the site is privately run and often down, and in financial trouble; so there's another reason I worry. Very unfortunate. And yet ANOTHER site I have Skew backed up on is likely just about to go under due to a financial crunch, yet I don't worry about that in the least because that's the site where despite how much I commented on everyone else, nobody cared about Skew or about me; where somebody I was truly interested in didn't give a damn about even responding to my sincere interest; and even somebody who promised to add me to their favorites and read often never replied to my last response to them and apparently stopped reading long ago. I don't even care anymore, since I knew from the moment they said they were adding me to their favorites that they didn't really mean it--why would they? Nobody there gives a rip about me. I've even stopped visiting for the most part, aside from stopping by to post in Skew, for whatever stupid reason. When that site goes, I would have cared a while back, but not anymore. Nobody cared about me, so I won't care about them; I can back up Skew on any other number of sites that care more. The adult writing site, though, it will bother me if that place goes, since there is no other like it that I know of. :/

I even got rid of the link to my diary at that site because as soon as I joined there, my adult writing HERE started getting an abnormal number of hits--readers had actually followed me HERE and were reading my stuff in my port! I got rid of the link because I want them to comment over THERE rather than just read here and leave! And they were reading ahead in my Chronicles!! *beating on furniture* Bad bad bad! Why would I sign up and post it on this other site if I wanted them to come here and read it without ever commenting?? I get that enough as it is! >_< So I took away the link. If they want to see any more of my writing, all they need do is ask (heck, one of them has already!), and I will point it out to them, because I know THAT person at least is reading. But all those "free readers" who just want to read ahead of everyone else and never want to say a word to let me know they exist, well, ptttthhhhbbbbbbttt. Stay to the other site!

I did get an e-mail from a "lurker" after posting the updates bulletin, which was very nice. I do wish those who lurk would comment more often, or at least once just to let me know they are really out there (all I can see is hits, which could mean "I came, I clicked, I hated it and didn't read past word one," for all I know, and with the amount of interest, probably does mean that 99% of the time), but still that was very thoughtful of them to comment. I wish I could believe all those other hits meant something more than accidental click-throughs, but I just can't. :/

I know I had more things to talk about...but I couldn't remember them as of typing up that list at the top over an hour ago, and I am really, really getting sick of this...so tar...not proofread...ugh.