07-28-04 @ 3:14 am EDT

Hm. I'm not much surprised...but I refrained from sending what would likely be a long e-mail to someone who said they were interested in hearing from me, just to see if they had really meant it, and it looks as if they did not want to hear from me after all...so I guess it was good that I didn't write one. I was actually going to, but I'm still afraid I scared off the last person I wrote a long e-mail to. I don't know why it is I spill out so much of myself to near-strangers. Granted, they usually ASK to hear about me first, but then I just blather and blather...and probably freak them out. I can't tell when to stop talking...it's just that people never really ask me about myself, in real life. And by now, when people ask me about myself or things I'm interested in online, I pause. Do they REALLY want to hear all that, I ask myself...? Because chances are they are just being polite and don't want to hear any of that at all. I used to just pour my guts out to anyone who merely asked, but I'm starting to grow more cautious. And not because I don't feel safe sharing...but because I don't want to scare off everybody else. I have yet to hear from that other one (I'm not mad, just feeling sad and angry with myself that I probably screwed it up yet again with my stupid long e-mail), and it's happened plenty of times in the past. Just because somebody asks you about yourself doesn't mean they really want to hear, especially if you have a lot to say like I do.

ESPECIALLY if most of that stuff is boring anyway. I'm sorry that I blather about writing, mythology, writing, mythology, and whatever else all the time--it's just that I have no real life to talk about. The rest of you can easily talk about your significant others and your outings and your family things and your jobs and the movies/concerts/whatevers you saw, but...I don't have any of that. I've never been to a concert in my life, rarely see movies, don't do much with my family, don't go on many outings of interest, don't go on vacations, don't have a significant other or a job...so I have none of that to talk about. The boring few subjects I talk about in here ad nauseam--that IS all there is to me. Depth? You won't find it with me because there IS none, so don't bother trying to scratch the surface--the surface is all there is. I literally have nothing else to talk about. (And those of you just itching to bitch, "Go out and DO SOMETHING and then come back and talk about it," buzz off. I know full well that if I were to even go to a concert or get laid and write about it here, you wouldn't have a word to contribute. I know already you don't bother reading my happy entries since you can't bitch about them. So blah on you.)

So though I was itching like mad to send an e-mail, I hesitated. This person was probably like all of the rest and didn't really want to hear all that crap about me, me, me. So I asked about it first. They either haven't seen my question or don't really want to hear, so...that's that. I shouldn't have bothered them in the first place since I was the one who made a comment to them first. When they replied I felt very stupid that I apparently caught their interest because even when I manage to do that, it never lasts very long. The last person who added Skew to their faves and promised to come back and read "because they think I'm interesting"? Never replied to my last e-mail and apparently I am not on their faves list after all since they never comment. Not that that surprised me, I knew from the moment they first left me a note and said they were adding me that they didn't mean it. Who would? This journal is boring. *rolls eyes*

I actually had this one person add my DREAM diary on another site to their faves! Who the hell adds a DREAM diary to their faves?? I went to check them out and one of their recent entries said something like, "I feel a little intimidated because everybody on my faves list is a Christian..." (The diarist in question was a Christian.) This comment miffed me a little because, how could this person even tell from my own diary that I was Christian? (When I'm pretty much not.) How dare they assume something like that? I left them a note saying that *I* wasn't Christian (politely, of course), and then politely asked if they had added my diary in error? They replied that actually not EVERYBODY on their faves list was Christian (well then, why did they say otherwise??), and they added that diary to their faves because they had found it "interesting." Lo and behold, a day or so later--I was not on their faves list anymore! So much for interest. I'm willing to bet they balked when they learned I was not really Christian and then kicked me off. Very nice of them. Just another example in a long line of examples.

It's too bad because this first person I mentioned really was rather interesting, even if somewhat too intelligent for me...I guess that was a sign too. I don't deal well with very intelligent people because I'm so stupid most of the time. (No one contradict me, because it's true...I'm not STUPID stupid, but I'm not intelligent, either. The real reason my entries run so long? I can never find the right words to sum up my jumbled thoughts in a concise, intelligent way.) And I knew from the start this interest wouldn't last long because this other person already has a million followers of their own...why would I make any difference? I never do anyway...one dinky dumb voice among lots of more intelligent ones, and ones with fewer emotional problems like posting entries such as this, to boot. If that person in question ever even sees this entry they will probably feel relief that I didn't e-mail them, psycho-sounding freak that I am.

To completely change the subject...look! I actually got Yahoo! Photos to work!

http://photos.yahoo.com/social_phobe

Now since I'm logged in, I have no clue how that will work for anyone else. :/ But I did set my one album so far to public. I dunno, check it out or don't. It's photos of the nine homemade journals of mine so far. (I have a group pic of them here, but two of them weren't made yet when I took that. Check the dark green one! LEAVES! Woot!)

And in weirder news...I had this vivid dream that nonetheless faded very rapidly after awakening...in it I seemed to be undergoing some sort of Islamic punishment for adultery or something, and I believe I was male, maybe my Apsiu character Lieutenant Hiath'ikh. Why Hiath'ikh would be committing adultery, I have no clue, since 1. there is no marriage among the Apsiu, and 2. HIATH'IKH'S GAY. So...no idea. :/ But it seemed to involve me being naked and kneeling with my arms bound behind my back. It was kind of like roleplaying/acting, but kind of real. I saw myself in a mirror and I was naked and seemed to be wet. Yet my body wasn't nearly as ugly as it is in real life. There was a spider on the floor beneath me. This took place in my bedroom. I don't know what the punishment itself was going to be but it was either going to involve something like death/mutilation of some kind (beheading?--being made Moru, if I were really Hiath'ikh?), or some sort of rape or sodomy. Yet I didn't seem terrified, more resigned than anything. Maybe like I felt I deserved it. I don't even know what it was I was supposed to have done, either.

And only now, hours later, do I realize...I have bruises all over my arms! Where did these come from?? I've had one on my right forearm that's been there for days, hardly fading. It's a small bruise but that means it should have faded long ago. And now I see at least FIVE or SIX similar bruises all along my LEFT forearm! Plus two or three more on the right. I haven't been hitting myself or even banging my arms against things, that I can recall. And I haven't been taking lots of aspirin or anything, either. I do bruise kind of easily, but not THAT easily, else I would have had even more bruises long ago! I can think of no logical reason why I should suddenly have so many bruises! I find this disturbing and kind of worrisome. Lots of bruises, and especially bruises that don't want to fade, are not a good thing. o_o I guess I can only keep an eye on them and see what happens.

If by any chance I seem to be gone for an extended period, it may be because something seems to be going wrong with our phone line or Net connection...it keeps cutting out and disconnecting us and not letting us back on. Tried contacting NMO, but they say it's not on THEIR end. The phone has been getting all staticky and I was even cut off on my call to tech support. And I noticed that when I clicked to get rid of a computer error message earlier on tonight, the TV fritzed out just briefly. I wouldn't be surprised if it's our electricity acting up again, which means if it is, Dad is already threatening to disconnect the computer since according to him that's the cause of all our problems, when the truth is, the cause of all our problems is this family never wanting to take care of a problem from the start rather than letting it sit around and get worse and get worse and get worse until everything breaks. And Dad himself was the one to assure me, when I got upset from his bitching, that THE COMPUTER WAS NOT THE CAUSE OF THE PROBLEMS. It's interesting how whenever something else goes wrong, including high bills, he blames the computer first and foremost. And then when I claim responsibility since he's blaming me anyway, he conveniently says it's not my fault, then the next time it happens, indirectly blames me again. It's funny because this time I merely mentioned the Net cutting out and he started to blame the computer when I hadn't even gotten the chance to clarify that I thought the problem was because of MICE CHEWING THE PHONE LINES--NOTHING to do with the computer itself! He shut up after I finally got to mention that. You know what they say about assuming things, Dad.

I realize that made little sense but I don't feel like clarifying it right now. Tar...