08-14-04 @ 2:56 am EDT

Firstly a violet part so those of you who hate those can skip the colored text. Plain text should follow.

I keep an anonymous journal on another site which I'll never name, and there I can talk about things I can't talk about in here anymore lest I upset anyone--and heaven forbid I should do that. While there are some people who do exasperate and frustrate me, I still for the most part like them, and don't ever want to hurt them; for all I know they are posting bitchy things about me on occasion which I will never see, which is just fine. Yet a great deal of the time, these are people who really DO make me angry, and piss me off, and I really see no reason why I should be nice to them anymore for the way they've treated me--but like I said--heaven forbid I should ever stir things up. I still remember what happened the LAST time someone treated me like dirt, I got mad, then they found out and take a look what emotions were flung at ME. I'm tired of it somehow always being my fault when people disappoint me. So it's better to just bitch where they can't read it. That's why Skew has been so quiet lately. It seems all I have on my mind is this matter, but then again, it's not like it ever goes away.

Somebody actually e-mailed me regarding one such entry in this other journal and offered a listening ear. A listening ear! They offered to write back to me--not regularly, they were honest about that much at least, but as much as they could. I just sounded like someone who needed to be heard out and be allowed to express myself, they said, and they could listen if I wanted them to.

I was very, very tempted to reply to that e-mail, to thank them, and to gush out all the hurt and anger I've been feeling for months now.

But I didn't.

In fact, one of my first reactions was to think, "Yeah--RIGHT," and to almost send off a bitchy, "F**k off and bother somebody else who cares."

Now why would anyone in their right mind say something like THAT to somebody offering a listening ear, right?

I had plenty of reasons. It was all the people who came before and offered me the exact same thing...all the people who lasted for maybe a few months at the most, or not even two e-mails at the least. The line just seems to get longer and longer and finally I just told myself it was going to end. Now.

So I finally logged into that account again and politely told this person thank you, but no thank you. While their offer was appreciated and tempting, I do not really believe they meant it, or at the least, they change their mind once they finally got an e-mail from me. Do I claim to know WHY people insist they like me and will write back to me as soon as they can? No, because so far none have ever really come out and told me the truth. And it's not just a lack of time, because I've had people insist they have plenty of time and they will reply--but they don't; I've had people insist they are busy yet I see them doing other things while they could just send a small e-mail to me--but they don't; and I've heard lots of other excuses I won't get into or elaborate on, just to avoid being too rude. I've already said too much, not that I expect these people to see this. in any case, I told this person thank you but I did not think it was a good idea for either of us to start a correspondence, and they did not have to bother to reply if they did not want to, which, after getting even a polite rejection like that, I assumed they would not want to do. Then I sent the e-mail.

I felt like shit. I logged off and cried. I wanted so much to just pour it all out, but for once in my life I didn't. I didn't even write a few lines about what has been going on; I didn't even ask to make sure they meant what they said. Because I've done even those things and they are poison to others too, and heaven forbid I should bother another single person, even if they insist it will be no bother. But I did not say any of these things. I've tried everything in my power to get people to like me and to just keep corresponding with me. Every time I've given up, one little thing has always popped up to give me hope that maybe there is ONE other person out there who CAN take it...? But I've been proven wrong again and again and again and by now it just humiliates me so much that every kind word I receive from a stranger makes me seethe rather than comforts me. Instead of seeing a kind word or a listening ear and thinking, "Somebody I can talk to--I need to talk to somebody right now," all I can think is, "Why is this person bothering ME? What are THEY hoping to get out of it? How many words will I type up before I bore them off for good? They should go find some other project to make them feel better about themselves." Because honestly, I have no clue why these people keep insisting they like me and then apparently changing their minds. It's not like I give them no chances to back out of talking to me. I even practically ASK by now if they really mean it and they still say yes. Then never come back.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go on quite THAT long about it. :/ It's hard to hold back the hurt once it starts coming out, but I'll try not to turn this into the drek in my other journal. The thing is I just can't see a friendly word as a friendly word anymore, no matter how much I want to. All I can think when I see a friendly word is what that person is getting out of it--or at the least, I can tell myself with much assurance that it's probably the only word I'll ever get from them. I'm not the kind of person who can accept one compliment from somebody and then hope to get by with never hearing from them again. If they never respond again I will just assume they stopped caring. Because when people really like you they feel like telling you at least once in a while. That's how I thought it was, at least.

I'm going to try to still reply to kindly comments when I get them, but I want to condition myself to stop seeing them as anything more than that. When somebody hints they want to correspond or be friends or offer a listening ear, I'm going to do my best to politely brush them off. As much as I want to just pour out everything inside me, it's not meant to happen. There is nobody who can take all that. The few people who I'm not angry with as I write this, the only reason is because I don't pour all this on them personally. I honestly believe that's the only way I can keep myself from being mad at them, because if I were to pour this on them I would never hear from them again. It seems everybody who stopped contacting me did so because I either unloaded myself (when they asked me to), or blathered on too long about something I care about. I must learn to keep my e-mail responses to kindly comments from strangers short--answer their questions as shortly as I can, don't offer any additional info because they are not interested, and don't bother thinking I will ever hear from them again, even if they say they will be back. (This year alone I've had at least three or four people gush over Manitou Island, Part 1 and say they can't wait to read more and...have they been back? You already know that one. Get this, this isn't even ABOUT those people.)

So instead of doing all that this time, I just told this person no--I'm not falling for that again. No matter how sincere someone sounds, or even is, in saying they can listen to anything I have to offer, it won't happen. Whether I write to them first, or they write to me. I guess that I am only meant to share occasional shallow comments and compliments with people and that's it. There will never be any back-and-forth ongoing exchanges that actually last. There will never be any actual friends or relationships, either. I'll never know why this is. But I learn best from repeated experience, and I've had a lot of repeated experiences here. Many of them in this year alone, and it's only half over.

It's a lot easier to tell somebody off before they can just quit replying to me out of the blue. It's a lot easier to be the one in control and to tell somebody to back off, before they do so on their own and never let me know why or what I did wrong. It's a whole lot easier to keep my hurt to myself, or in this journal, rather than unload it on somebody who offers to hear it, and then wait on their promise to be there for me, and end up waiting forever, and feeling utterly humiliated yet again because of it. I feel like some stupid lab rat that never even learns from being shocked over and over whenever I reach for a pellet. The pellet just looks so good, and I feel as if I need it in order to survive, or I'll starve to death. But the shocks just keep getting stronger and stronger, so rather than keep humiliating myself like that, it's easier to just refuse that offer and let my feelings shrivel up inside me where they won't bother anyone else.

It's easier to say "F**K YOU" to others before they (silently) say it to me, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Sending that e-mail was almost as hard as sending those first e-mails to the few people I contacted first...people who said they liked hearing from me, and I didn't hear back again. It was almost as hard as replying to those e-mails from the few people who contacted me first...more people who said they liked writing to me, and I didn't hear back again. Every one of those hurt. You know, I just realized, it should not hurt so damn much to try to make friends. But that's all I ever seem to feel. Anxiety--will this person be the same as all the rest? And hurt--yes, they are the same as all the rest...and I will never even be able to let them know my hurt. I can't even find closure, or why this keeps happening, if there even is such a thing. But it hurt so much swallowing all my words and just saying no thank you. But I thought about what would have inevitably happened had I not...maybe one or two more e-mails, then a promise to write back, then a week going by, and another, then a month, then another...who knows how long...it doesn't even matter anymore. I already know how it would have turned out. That feeling of anger and hurt and humiliation never dies--I'm feeling it a hundred times over, for every time it's happened so far, as I type this up now. I reminded myself of that feeling, and said no thank you, don't bother. I will try my hardest not to bother another living soul and to not face that humiliation yet again.

My motivations aren't entirely unselfish, but I really don't want to bother people. Hence why when people say they are very busy but I can still write to them, they never hear from me. Well, that, and the fact that I now know they won't reply anyway, keep me from bothering them again. Others can't tell me straight off that they don't want to continue communication, so I'll just have to assume everyone means the same thing and not bother anyone. That's simply what everyone in personal experience has wanted, so it only makes sense that's what everyone else would want too.

Especially for those people who, like this person, insist they are capable of listening. Those who sound the most interested or most concerned, and who go out of their way to offer their compassion, are the ones with the least time or interest to spare. They're the ones I have to watch out for the most, because they sound so sincere--they probably do believe what they say--thus it will hurt the most when we both learn it won't work out. They will be the ones I am tempted the most to reply to in the hopes that this person is different, but I know that they won't be. I have to keep on my guard against these people. Treat them nicely, reply in kind, but offer no more than what they ask, and if they ask a lot of me, don't even offer that. Nobody is THAT interested. Just try to be as brief as possible and don't ever hope for anything else from them, not even a reply.

...The thing is, I can't seem to get past this hoping for more. I have the stupid habit of taking people at their word when I know this is a dumb thing to do. Oh, I'm not so cynical as to believe EVERYBODY is lying about EVERYTHING--and I don't even think these people are lying about caring about me, so much as making a mistaken judgement about caring about me--they THINK they do, but they don't, at least not for long. I'll still try to believe that most people tell the truth about themselves most of the time, but when people say they are interested in hearing from or about ME, that's when it's suspect. And for some stupid reason I keep buying into it. I want so desperately to believe it's true that I keep letting myself be shocked, even when I don't reach for the pellet. Even when I tell people now, "You don't have to reply," I still feel hurt and angry when they don't. I guess some voice in my head tells me, if they had REALLY cared they would have replied anyway. At least in these cases, it hurts so much to be right.

I'm saddened and hurt that it's come down to this--that an offer of a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on has to be rejected, for me to salvage at least some little bit of myself from humiliation. No matter how sincere the offer may be. It's even sadder that what makes me MORE upset is the fact that I can't yet stop feeling so hurt and disappointed when people only do what I expected them to do all along and forget about me. I'm angry that even when I KNOW the outcome, it still hurts! Isn't there a way to make it STOP hurting now that I know it's going to happen? Why can't I get past that? Why can't I stop hurting even when I have control over a situation, or at least know how it's going to turn out? I want to stop hurting, for God's sake! I thought that if I told myself, "This person will never care about you. Don't be surprised or hurt when you find this is true," then it would not hurt me anymore. So how come I'm still so angry and embarrassed and upset every time, just like it's the first time?? I've always told myself to never hope for anything good to happen, so I won't be disappointed when it doesn't. So why am I still always so disappointed?

I told myself not to bother logging into that account again until I needed to for my own reasons. Yet I logged in again yesterday just to see. And...that person had replied to my brushoff, even though I had said they did not need to and weren't expected to.

I logged out again. I didn't read the e-mail.


I really do wish I could stop bringing this subject up in here, for all the exasperation and eye-rolling I'm sure it's inducing in the people who read this; yet that's how much it keeps hurting and digging in the back of my mind. I'll even be sitting working on a puzzle or listening to music and feeling totally fine and then all of a sudden, I think of one of these people, and I feel awful all over again. And feel that way for the rest of the day. These feelings I can't seem to let go of. But I guess it's easier to hold on to them, and to talk about them in here endlessly, rather than to confront the people who inspired them, because that would upset them and I do not want to upset anybody, whatsoever.

I truly hope the few people who DIDN'T inspire these feelings don't think they are responsible, but I can't outright say who did and didn't--because that would end up making somebody hurt too. But it's not like I'm ever going to face the people who did make me feel this way, or let them know, so I suppose that's that.

Hm...I KNOW I had other things to talk about, but they always seem so dinky and small and dumb after I've bitched all throughout an entry like that. Well. I saw this nice book set at eBay that I was so very tempted on, but it's too pricey for me. It's a two-volume 1918(?) reprint about the history, geography, and legends and such of the Mackinac region, and it says it is lavishly illustrated with drawings and maps and such. 1918! That's bound to have old material concerning the formations I've wanted to find out about for so long, like the Fairy Arch (I have been wanting to write an entry about something I discovered about that for quite a while but haven't had the chance, not that anyone cares! -_- ) and Scott's Cave and such...but the set is $95, and that's just the starting bid; who knows how high it could go. It ended this morning with no bids. I wondered if the seller would relist with a lower price, but alas, they relisted it at $95...*sigh* Now if it were $50, I would probably convince myself to get it. But I have to save money for now. I do not understand why when something does not sell the seller doesn't relist it cheaper! At least slightly cheaper. >:/ I swear, there was this one Egyptian mythology book I bid on there once, only to find I had not met the reserve. Now I had never bid on a reserve item before so I had no clue what that meant except to guess that it meant I would not win even if I were the high bidder. So I bid a bit more. And--still didn't meet it. So I bid higher. Nope--still not high enough. This item had had a selling price on it for people who want to just buy the book rather than bid on it, and the selling price is generally higher than the first bid, because of course they want to make more money than the starting bid. And my BID was so far HIGHER than even the selling price, and I STILL had not met the reserve!! What sort of MORON listed this thing?? If he didn't want to auction off his damn book then why didn't he just say so? I said screw this and just wandered off and never looked back. Sheesh. At the very LEAST set your reserve price the same as the selling price, otherwise what's the damn point of bidding at all!

Hm, but anyway. The two-book set. Well, I guess I already exhausted what I had to say about that. :/ They relisted it and it is back on sale but still no cheaper than before. Grr. You know, I would be fully willing to buy a nice BATTERED set, so long as all pages were intact and legible--I'm not too picky. Why won't somebody come on and auction off their cheap BATTERED copies of this set? Sellers should not be ashamed to auction off battered books, so long as they are cheaper I would be willing to buy. It would have made a nice birthday present but $95 is way too expensive for that! o_o Plus all the bills came in the past day or two...ugh.

I guess I can only write down the name of the book set and keep my eyes open...maybe someday before I die somebody will dig out and auction off a nice battered set. Probably not, but maybe. >_<

You know, after all that blithering, I bet that even if I WERE to get the book set, it would probably have next to nothing to say about Mackinac Island? I bet that would be my luck. Said the fox about the grapes. Grr.

What else...? Drat. It's so late. I didn't even get to browse online books. :( Oh. Well, I'm adding ever more crap to my Yahoo! Photos account, so check that out whenever you wish; Tahquamenon Falls 2003 is coming up soon. Is this the URL? Why can't I remember my own URL? http://photos.yahoo.com/social_phobe You think I could remember a simple URL. I've been busy scanning the entire set of 1992 Mackinac Island pictures which I located in an old photo album of mine; also included are those few from the class trip there in 1991 (we stayed in town...IN TOWN!! WAS I COMPLETELY STUPID?!!), and some even older than that which seem to be only of the boat ride over. O_o Sheesh, I was very unobservant of that island when I was a kid. You know, I have a memory of walking out to Crack-in-the-Island years ago, before my last time there--I even recalled how it had not been very impressive--and I could swear it was Dad I went with. Yet Dad stopped going to the Island when I was just a little bitty thing, and he most CERTAINLY did not wander way out into the interior to a place like Crack-in-the-Island! At least, I have no reason to believe he would do something like that, other than my hazy memory (I remember a guy being with me), and he has denied it. Ma denied ever going there with me before a couple of years ago, either. And Eric didn't act like he had been there before (he accompanied me the last time) EITHER. And I never visit that place with anybody else! So how is it that I have even a vague memory of visiting Crack-in-the-Island with some guy a long time back, if nobody ever took me?? I sure as hell never went ALONE!

I even knew vaguely what it looked like and everything... /:(

Well, I'm getting too confused right now. It's very weird for me to have a memory that supposedly never even happened, especially when I can identify someplace I've never even been before! I'm lucky if I can even remember what I ate yesterday. It's a good thing I usually eat the same things every week. >_<

I should stop blathering now. This has not been proofed and I will probably cringe over the crap I see in here later. Tar.