10-15-04 @ 3:43 am EDT

I hate that stupid e-mail I sent yesterday. I hate that it took me over an hour to type it up and send it. I was so ashamed even before I sent it that I could not view how many kilobytes it was. I didn't want to see. I would've felt obligated to send a second e-mail just to APOLOGIZE for how long the FIRST one was.

But what I always hate the most is how short the replies always are. I just feel so stupid and ashamed. I wouldn't have sent the e-mail if it weren't asked for. But surely the huge thing I typed up was not wanted. People say they like to read long e-mails, but I really don't believe it. I'm the only one I've seen who sends such horrible long e-mails, and the replies I get are always short. It's not the shortness of the replies that bothers me. It's the fact that they mean either the person didn't care for most of what I said and just wanted to be polite, or they had no way to empathize with or be interested in it. I know that when I strongly disagree with or can't really relate to something in somebody's e-mail, I just "ignore" it, don't reply to it. So why should it be different with other people?

But when all my e-mails are like 30kb and all the responses I get are like 5kb, then it says something, doesn't it? It says I babble and go on and on and on so damn much that people just want me to SHUT UP.

And it's even more humiliating this time because this is someone I already know very well, and it was of course on a subject I shouldn't even be blathering about in the first place. He did ask me. But I know he could not have wanted that huge pile of drek I sent back to him. I got a 5kb response. He was nice to me but the way his e-mail ended filled me with dread. It's like e-mails I've gotten here and on other sites. "Write back to me whenever you like." I dread this because, even if I do "like," I NEVER write back to people when I have nothing to go on, and if I don't write back to HIM, he'll think I'm shunning him.

The topic I blathered on is one we obviously will not agree on, so I have really nothing left to say. Yet he wants us to renew our relationship, such as it is. But I have nothing to say now. His response was so short, and in disagreement with what I said, that I just feel we have no common ground to stand on. And "Write back anytime" always leaves me mute. I can't write back anytime. I can only write when I have something to reply to and now I don't.

And I just feel so horribly ashamed that I piled all that crap on top of him...and on countless others in the past...others who replied with their short e-mails which clearly tell me they did not need all that crap I typed up...why can't I type a short e-mail? I just want to send what people want, and nothing more. I don't WANT to go on and on and on for 30kb+ and get 5kb in response. I don't want to spill all that out and then feel like a total moron because it wasn't what anyone was interested in hearing, even if they asked. NOBODY wants to hear THAT much. Nobody! If people were really so interested and could relate as well as they claimed, then they would have their huge replies too, but they're very short and vague and general. And I feel so stupid for having wasted my time, and their time, and for taking up space in their inbox, and for spewing out a billion things which probably made them feel really uncomfortable. I feel so stupid. And this is way more personal, so I have more of a reason to feel stupid.

I don't know how or what to reply with. He was nice, but I feel like all I should do is apologize, and apologize again, and promise never to write again. He doesn't know my history with e-mailing other people online so he would take that personally and think I'm rejecting him when that's not the case at all. I just feel too ashamed to keep bothering him. He has a life and I don't. He can say as many times that I can write to him whenever I want or need to but I know he doesn't need that crap from me. He has no clue how messed up I've been since we last met, and I do not want to tell him. PART of me wants to unload on him, but most of me, no. Nobody else needs to hear that crap. Especially not him. I think he would actually be surprised to learn how miserable I've always been. That I've always envied him so much. I never told him. I probably never will. I have no reason to. He would be just another person I'd unload that crap on and he doesn't need it.

People tell me to write to them anytime and then wonder why I never do...? This is why. It's an open ending and I can't make use of those. If you leave it up to ME, then I'll never do it. I'll never be the one to approach you. I used to try, but that always flopped, and I feel too embarrassed bothering anyone else. This is the most humiliated I've been in a long time though.

That's because this time it was my brother who I wrote to, and I do not want him to know that he has a blithering, whiny, attention-starved idiot for a sister. He said he was glad I had responded to his e-mail to Ma, as he was seeking some way to get in contact with me and try to get close, since we were never close and he regrets that. But I see it as a favor that I was never close to him. Why would he need me close? All I do is ruin everything and everybody around me. He has his own problems and family and life to worry about. He doesn't need my petty crap.

And I don't know how to tell him that, without hurting him. I should never have e-mailed him at all. We have nothing in common, we have nothing to say, and now I have to reply but have no way to do so. All I have in me is bad things, and nobody needs those. I don't want anybody to have more of that.

I want to just shut the hell up and let people live their own happier lives without my crap ruining it all. I wish I would stop jumping at the chance to dump all over people just because they asked or said it was okay. It is NOT okay. Not when all I have to offer anyone is bitching and problems and irritation. Do you wonder now why I focus so much on my writing and fiction? Because everything ELSE that's a part of me is CRAP. If you ask me to unload on you, I'll just write this 30kb+ e-mail full of garbage and whining, you'll feel awkward, respond with a 5kb e-mail, IF at all, and then I will just feel even worse and will either tell you sorry or never write to you again. And not because I'm mad at you, but because I'm mad at ME. I try to say so little and always say so much junk. Even here. And this is the people who bother responding AT ALL. I've already gone over endlessly the people who never even do. There's yet another one I can add to the list, just recently. At least I DID manage to keep those e-mails relatively short, though I should not have sent them at all...I know they are the reason they stopped writing...they always are.

I don't know how to just keep things short, not go into all the crap, and stop scaring people off. The only solution seems to be to just not write to people period. And that is rude too. If I could separate myself from my emotions, it would be easier. I'd keep it all to myself and nobody would ever have to see it. But I've never been good at that.

And after all of this, I still do not know what to write back to my brother. I feel like the freak sister he never should have had, and I feel so stupid for having unloaded all of that on him, when we are obviously too different to ever understand one another or be close. He doesn't know that though. And I feel so stupid, I don't know what to say to him. It was easier just being "sister" from afar because at least then he did not have to know I have such an ugly side, I did not have to know we are so different, and I certainly WOULD NOT have bothered him with all my crap when he has his own to deal with. I don't ever want to burden anybody. Why does anyone even ask me things when they know I'll send a huge whiny response which they can barely respond to themselves? I feel like I should warn everybody off before they try to get to know me. There's too much of me that's ugly and off-putting. I don't want to bother anyone with any of that.

I don't know how to let the world know this in a polite way though. Short of being a total bitch, and just telling everyone to f**k off. But I've never been that kind of person, so how do you let the world know that your crap is too much for any of them?

I do not know how to let my brother know, and I'm going to be crying over this for quite a while.