12-17-04 @ 2:09 am EST

Typed offline, 12/16/04

Why does what he said bother me so much? It's only what I already suspected. He's been bitchy and pissy to people who have shown him nothing but sincerity in the past, and then had the gall to feign innocence and courtesy. He had the gall even to include ME on his list of "friends" from KP--since WHEN the hell have I been his friend? I tried corresponding with him long ago--and hardly got a response. He said lately that he doesn't get to know people very well. Well, call it a difference of opinion, but I can hardly call somebody a "friend" if we do not know each other, and do not correspond--and he has no right to call ME his "friend" either. And ever since the business with H., chewing me out and ripping me apart and then turning on her "ignore" lights after I had asked her simply for her respect, he showed his colors also, as back then I was afraid HE would hate me too, because the two of them always sided with each other. He never had a word to say. Back then I took his silence as an endorsement of her cruelty to me, and his own ignoring of me. Looks like I was right to feel that way after all. But I still do not understand why he called me a "friend" in that post of his. F**k off! I'm hardly your friend and I barely ever was. And after seeing all of your interactions with others like me, I'm damn glad I'm not.

And then when I finally work up the courage to respond in SINCERITY to a post of his--when I had vowed NEVER to respond to any of his postings, as I never respond to the posts of people I am angry with, because I would rather be the more courteous one and just steer clear of them than have them know how much they hurt me--when I finally work up the courage to post an EMBARRASSING and PAINFUL part of my life which I have hardly shared with anyone--I'm responded to with bitchy sarcasm, and practically told that I think about pedophilia all the time. This is the response I get for sharing a painful incident from my youth, and expressing concern about a child? That I "think too much" about the subject? Wow, sorry. Sorry that I happen to live in the REAL WORLD, and not in this glurge-filled world that his posts center around, where children are never hurt by strangers and such a thing as abuse does not exist. Sorry I was sincere and decided to share that painful moment of mine. Should I have been bitchy and sarcastic instead? Maybe those would have been words he'd have understood better.

The one time I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt--despite how bitchy and sarcastic I've seen him act toward others, and how much he (unknowingly?--who cares) hurt me in the past--I responded to his post sincerely. What WAS that whole post about, anyway, "becoming like a child"? I showed him my sincerity and trust in divulging that information I shared--I momentarily became like a child, to share my concern that "becoming like a child," in this day and age, is often an invitation to being hurt by others. And take a look!--I was hurt! The irony!

"Becoming like a child" means showing truth, trust, honesty, and sincerity. That was what *I* did. "Becoming like a child" is NOT showing bitchy sarcasm and even MOCKING somebody who decides to share a painful moment from their past. Wasn't that nice of you, F., to tell me I think about pedophilia too much, when I shared with you and EVERYONE else on that site how that man touched me and made me feel? If anyone is becoming like a child, it is certainly not you. So I do not see what your point in posting that glurge was in the first place, if all you have to respond to sincerity with is sarcasm. Decidedly unchildlike. And in this case, incredibly insensitive and hurtful.

I already shared my thoughts with you. I doubt you will be sincere enough to bother replying with anything other than more sarcasm, if that. Strike me from your stupid "friends" list while you're at it, because I never belonged there in the first place. I'm too sincere to be in your group of friends. I'm guessing you all prefer recycled glurge drek to actual caring and concern, based on the tone of your response to my ONE posting to you. And for at least one moment, I was too trusting, and CHILDLIKE. And for that I was hurt again. Like I told you--I think that made my original point just nicely. Do not become TOO childlike, lest you be burned for believing in the nonexistent goodness in others. Your own actions toward me negated the very point of your post, and proved my own response right. I guess I can try to take comfort in the hope that MAYBE someday you will understand the point I made, and see that I tried to approach you on the terms you advocated. It was only too bad you were being too sarcastic and pissy to notice. Did you even understand the point you were originally trying to make, before you mocked me...?

I wondered why you included me on your list of "friends," and now I am glad I felt I never belonged there. If that's how friendly a person you are, then strike my name off, please. YOU are the one thinking about pedophilia an awful lot, since you blame ME of thinking about it "too much" when I express concern over what could happen to children who trust too much. I'm the bad guy? Nice twisted thinking. I have to wonder if you are equally critical of all those teachers who told us, in school, never to trust a stranger. I hope you are, because at least then you would be consistent. But I have this looming feeling that you are not. And I will hardly give you the benefit of the doubt yet again.

If some stranger came up and grabbed YOUR child, would YOU have been sitting there wondering over the goodness of God, and thinking up a nice piece of glurge in your head which you could share over the Net, or would you be grabbing your child right back?

You never did answer that question, so I will just assume I know the answer. I highly doubt you would react with the childlike innocence of anybody in that piece of glurge. You can't admit that publicly, though, without ruining the nice glurgy tone of your post.

Your response to my sincerity ruined it fine enough.

And now, I am glad to be stricken from your list of "friends." You do not run in certain circles? Well, I steer far clear of certain circles, too. And here I steer clear now, thank God. Would that I had never set foot near your circle in the first place, and had to type this all up.


*--Written in response to a "glurge" story about people "becoming like a child" during the holidays, after which I expressed my concern that to do this could have invited trouble for the characters in the story, and was then basically told, in a sarcastic manner, that the poster did not travel in circles where "pedophilia" was the first thing to pop into somebody's mind. Written offline, because his were the last comments I read before I had to log off for the day, and I found I could not write, read, or do anything else, his comments had hurt me so much, and I had to find some way to work that pain out of me before I could continue with something productive. "Happy Holidays," F. Here's hoping no strange homeless guys come running up to you and try to grab hold of somebody you care about.


Update: His response to my second response? To tell me to "read the whole thing before you assume too much." I can just as easily say the same of him.