01-24-05 @ 9:21 am EST

Posting delayed by several days because of a Diaryland outage.


I am not certain what to say to you now. Or if you will even read it. I have not had any reason to believe you or a few others were even reading Skew for months now, and THAT was why I made it private. As I fully intended to reply to any of you who might ask for a passkey, "The people who I used to update this journal for have not been reading for months--so I rather take the hint." I see no point leaving public a journal which the very people I had bothered updating it for were never reading. I had no reason to believe either that you were reading an offsite version. If I had known that, perhaps I would not have updated it anymore.

It hurt enough believing you (and the others) had stopped reading long ago. But somehow, knowing that you were reading all that time only makes it worse.

I am sorry to be selfish. But I thought that you understood that. I DID keep check on your Writing.com journal, but you never updated anymore. So I had no clue what you were up to. I did have a vague idea that you were busy, but it just seems to me that a word once in a while--not even a long e-mail, since I'm pretty much past the point of sending/receiving those (don't say you liked them--no one does--it's a simple fact; I'll say it since no one else will)--but even just a little comment now and then, to at least let me know how YOU are (so I can get some idea?), and to let me know that you still know I exist, isn't unreasonable to expect.

How can two people be friends, or even acquaintances, if there is ZERO communication? I realize I am the one who did not reply to YOUR last e-mail--but I then directly addressed you in my journal regarding that. I know I've said in the past that when I am feeling upset I will try to reach you (and others) through there. But there was never any response, from you or ANY of the others I addressed. That was when I figured no one was reading anymore. I don't expect anyone to plow through all my crap, but I had thought we tried to keep up on each other. I had no reason to believe that anymore.

I went through a short but awful depressive phase last September--no one of those I addressed in that entry said a word.

My birthday passed in October, and only P. noticed.

Christmas comes and goes, still not a word from anyone.

And Skew has been on private since October. About three months now, and no one has commented before this, so again, that rather gave me the hint.

Like I said that hurt enough. But knowing now that you had an offsite link to it and have been at least glancing at it all that time is just worse. That means you could still see the entries I was posting, and still said nothing. I know--you probably missed the entries where I addressed you. But it just seems that after a while you would've noticed my silence...at least, I had thought friends and acquaintances noticed things like this. I don't really know because I don't have any, and whoever does see this will insist I am being too selfish.

But that just brings me back to the point--if there is no more communication, then why even try? I took the hint. I am hurting and angry, and have been for months--but it's the real world, and you have your job which keeps you too busy, and I can't demand time which you don't have. I am not important enough for that. This isn't a sympathy ploy, it's just the truth. You have been too busy to send any word to me. You have your own priorities and they don't include me. I just wish you would've said this months ago.

And I don't get why you still look at Skew. For the record there's nothing in the Writing.com version which you won't see offsite; I made it private so I would not see my entries continue to get no hits day after day, and at Diaryland, there is no hit count so I can't keep track of who does or doesn't see it. And although I really wish I could, I can't make the Diaryland version private. So you're apparently not missing anything. I just don't know why you look at it. I stopped posting anything meaningful in it long ago and I know you are busy so you do not have to feel obligated to check it. Like I said, I didn't think you've been reading it in a long time anyway.

I am sorry that I sound angry, and I am not whining at you to choose "your job or me," because by now I know I'm not of enough consequence when it comes to such things--I'm just a bitchy person across a screen. I'm angry about a lot of things but the only legitimate one is to ask why you did not just SAY AT THE BEGINNING that there would be no more communication. Even if you didn't plan it--I wish you would have just told me, way back then. I am tired of sitting here agonizing over if and when somebody I like will get back to me. It may seem nicer to insist you do want to be my friend...but I just want the truth nowadays. Telling me off in the beginning would save a lot of trouble. At least it's some kind of closure. You know how I sit, and wait, and wonder, and blame. We went through this before. I thought you knew.

Now that I know you were still looking, if not reading, I'll just post this and hope you have time to look at it. I'm sorry it's so long...but this is all the things I had several months to think of. You probably won't get to read it...but an e-mail from me wouldn't be much better anyway.

I don't want to tell you off. I did want to be your friend. But that's not working out and by now I do not think it would, and there is nothing I hate more than imposing on anyone. So after this entry, if you even see it, you don't have to read my crap or feel obligated to write to me or anything, because I won't be expecting it anymore. I know you would say you want to but it's not true. So please just be honest and tend to your priorities because I hate the feeling of forcing people to like me. Obligatory sympathy, responding to/reading my entries because you feel you have to, hurts a lot more than not caring about me at all. At least if you had just said you would be too busy and we would not communicate anymore, I would not have any expectations.

I hope you don't think I'm singling you out because there are at least one or two, if not more, other people this applies to as well; you just happened to be the one who wrote to me first. I have not heard from them in months, either.

I'm not certain what else to say without repeating myself. Please do not think I'm calling you a bad person or saying that I do not want you as my friend. I did and I do. But I don't want to sit around waiting and feeling selfish for expecting what you cannot give. It's just that in my opinion, there has to be at least some kind of regular communication, and you can't do that, so why would you want me as your friend when I expect too much of you? At least you at last sent some sort of comment so I could say all this, though I don't know if you'll see it. If you do, you don't have to reply. I've already taken up too much of your time and I do not want the guilt of taking up any more. I'm sorry that the two of us were too different, or if I ever gave you the wrong impression of myself.