02-27-05 @ 9:03 am EST

Wrote this offline with an OCD forum or two in mind. Whether I post it there remains to be seen. Posting it here just because. Yes...THIS is what goes through my mind all day. And this isn't even all of it, just what my scattered mind could capture in the amount of time available. Ugh. May be typos.


For years I've had a stupid obsession with my hair. When I was little it was so long that it went down past my behind; somewhere I have an old picture of me riding my bike, and you can see my hair swinging out behind me; it's a wonder it didn't get caught in the spokes of the tire. I remember it being so long that I would have to sweep it out of the way whenever sitting down.

My mom forced me to get it cut--I cried and cried--but since I was a kid I had no say. She tried to have the stylist curl it with a curler and that lasted all of one day before wearing out; my MOTHER was the one who wanted me to have curls, but my hair was having no part of it. I went through various phases of how it was worn--a photo from junior high shows it in a cute tail with bangs, a photo from early high school, I think, with it cut shorter again, to about shoulder length, and held up with a double-comb-squishy thing which spanned across the top of the head. I had to stop wearing that particular hair device as it was tugging on the sides so tightly that the hairline above my ear receded permanently! When I last tried the device maybe a year or so back, I could no longer put it in properly. Or maybe I had just grown too picky.

In high school the hairstyle became a ponytail--a permanent ponytail. I was to wear this from morning till night. And the most frustrating thing was, I could not even put it in--my mother had to do it. It had to be PERFECT--all smooth on top and the upper sides. Little loops and bumps were okay on the lower sides and bottom. But on the top they were a no-no. It had to be TIGHT and HIGH, too, but not so high that the band would slip off due to the curvature of my head. I realize this probably makes no real sense to anybody who might be reading this, but if you've ever had a strong obsession, you probably at least understand the feelings and technicalities involved.

What's more, I would then slather a TON of extra-strength hair gel atop it to keep it in place. So the back of my head became like a helmet, literally. I would allow NO ONE to touch my hair and if they did I threw a fit because it would be so easy to pull it out or ruin it, and sometimes it refused to go in right so I would be having my mother put it in OVER and OVER and OVER...we would get into screaming matches over my stupid hair. Sometimes she would have to put it in five, six times before I would accept it, and this was made even worse by her arthritis; I felt so awful sitting there on the floor making her do my hair while her finger was killing her, and she insisted I did this on purpose, just to spite her. That was the worst feeling of all--that she thought I ENJOYED this! So many times I wished that *I* could be the one with the arthritis, just so long as she didn't have that problem, or better yet, just so long as I didn't have this stupid obsession!

We would almost run late for things sometimes because of this. And it also interfered with certain things--if I wanted to nap, I could not sleep on my back, and I had to sleep only carefully on my side--preferably, on my stomach with my head turned at an uncomfortable angle. If the gel got wet it tended to run a bit. Ick. I could not wear things on my head (not that I wanted to, but if anything got in contact with my hair, out came the fit!). If the ponytail was messed up in some way, I would panic and beg to have it redone, and that could get messy because of the gel already in it--I remember calling Ma home from her way to bingo once, begging her to come home just for a minute to do it over since it had come loose. Not to mention the fact that it just looked ugly. I would have her do it after I'd washed it so it would go in more easily and not frizz (I have a problem with static), so my hair was always SLICKED back and in this ultra-tight tail. Sometimes the tails hurt, too, they were so tight. Oh, and the bands were always BREAKING! Cheap things!

And whenever Ma was NOT available to do my hair, I was miserable. I'd put it in a "loose" tail, low at the base of my neck, but even then I would insist on wetting the fuzzy parts, doing it over and over, trying to get it just right, sometimes using a headband in conjunction in a really stupid-looking style, often ending up crying anyway. When Ma was gone overnight sometimes it was almost unbearable. I could literally do NOTHING with my hair down. It needed to be up.

Once in a while I would go into the bathroom and try to put it in myself (Ma insisted I could if I tried) but it never worked--I cannot see what my hands are doing behind my head, and I can't grip it right. I would end up screaming and crying and pounding my head with the brush, and yanking out my hair in frustration. (I'm a self-injurer, usually on impulse.)

The last time I wore a ponytail of that sort, Ma and I were getting ready to go shopping. I'd just gotten my hair wet (if I was awake for a time before she arrived to do it, I'd get it wet again) and knelt down for her to do it. She did it once. I went to check it; it wasn't good. Came back out, had her do it again. Went to check...wasn't right. Had her do it again...she grew angrier and angrier...I grew more and more frustrated. I cried and wished that I had just accepted it the first or second or third time, but I hadn't, and now it just kept going in worse! Ma insisted I was doing this on purpose--I sobbed that I wasn't, please just do it one more time!--Dad got involved and I don't remember what he said, but I'm still surprised to this day that he didn't completely flip out. I can't remember how many times she did it. Maybe seven or eight. I went in the bathroom and wailed and knocked the brush against my head as hard as I could. I could NOT go out like this! I tore the band out (it was one of several we'd tried that night, they kept breaking or just "not working"), yanked on my hair, pulled out strands of it and made it look much worse. I don't know how long I was in there. I finally came out with it in a loose low tail and headband, and meekly went shopping.

I felt so awful and this had been going on for MONTHS. It was getting worse, not better. Ma's hand was in no shape to keep it up, and I hated always getting her so angry that every time I knelt down for her to do it I'd beg and pray that it would go in the first or second time! But that wasn't happening anymore. I tried to tell her that the reason it got to me so much was because I am not attractive, I'm overweight and have a bad figure, bad teeth, bad everything--but my hair was the ONE thing I could at least somewhat control. To which she replied, "Not really!" And to which I finally mentally had to agree. I couldn't control it anymore.

She had been threatening for a long time to just cut it off. Well...when we got home that night, that was exactly what she did. Because I had her. I couldn't stand it anymore; it was driving me crazy! But that doesn't mean I didn't cry my eyes out as she cut my hair the shortest that it's ever been, up less than shoulder length. I sobbed, just KNOWING that if it had frizzed before, it would frizz WAY worse now that it didn't have its own weight to drag it down! As much as I loathed the ponytail, the mere thought of not being able to wear my hair like that anymore (I can't stand the feeling of hair on my neck or face, nor can I stand static cling, hence the ponytail) was almost more than I could bear. I kept my eyes shut tight and just wanted to die as she cut it all off. We had spent the night shopping standing in the magazine aisle looking at the hairstyle magazines and I had pointed out to her what I had always WISHED my hair would look like--a simple bob, parted in the middle, hanging straight down at the sides. That was it! I always envied the girls in school with that straight hair that you could do anything to and it would fall right back in place as smooth as anything. I always called that "arrow hair," and I would have killed for that kind of hair that everybody else seemed to hate. "What if it doesn't go right?" I pleaded to know as we looked at the magazines. "Just live with it!" she groused. Easy for her to say--I HAD been living with it for years!!

Well...she finished cutting it and I got up and reluctantly crept into the living room to sit on the couch, curled up in the corner and still crying and refusing to show my face. I did not even want to look at it. I knew it would be awful. After a VERY long while I finally pulled out the mirror and very, very slowly, lowered my hand from my eyes to peer at my hair bit by bit, expecting the worse. And...there it was, not in a bob but in a sort of FLIP (my hair naturally curls OUTWARD rather than INWARD, for some strange reason), but parted in the middle and just hanging there. It didn't look so bad. Though it did take me a while to recover from my feelings. I'd had long hair my whole life, and to suddenly have it gone like that...sure, it got rid of that compulsion, but sometimes it's easier to live with the fear that you know than the fear that you don't know.

That was in December 2003. For a few months, all was well. I wore a headband now, and my hair fell down around the sides but it was okay. I don't even remember when it started to change. I switched shampoos to Pantene since it's a good moisturizing shampoo, and continued using some serums I'd been using before--they had more of a point, now that I wasn't damaging my hair by dragging the brush through it so much. Over time, this evolved into a specific ritual which at last count went as follows:

Wash hair. Rinse.
Condition hair. Rinse.
Repeat with special conditioner. Rinse. Squeeze dry. Towel dry.
Spray in leave-in conditioner number one. Work through.
Spray in leave-in conditioner number two. Work through.
Rub in two serums at once. Work through.
Rub in another serum. Work through. Brush to sides, parting in the middle.
Put in headband. Fix into flip by tucking behind ears and under the back until it's in place.
Let dry like this (which entailed being VERY CAREFUL and not moving or bothering the hair in any way, which was frustrating in itself!).
Several hours later, take out headband, either run fingers through or brush, let air dry a bit, then put headband back in and brush into place, smoothing with hands.
Apply the third serum lightly to the top. Let "dry."
A while later, brush, and keep smoothing it into place throughout the rest of the day/night with hands--do NOT allow to get wet or humid!

As I said, I don't know what changed...but what had seemed like an easy solution to my hair compulsion...just changed into...ANOTHER compulsion! I went through different headbands, different combinations of serums/conditioners, different modes of brushing and styling. And it was never consistent in how it "worked." Every time I found a fix, something new came along to mess it up. Cut it shorter--it goes in easier! But the next time it was cut short, it went in HARDER! So, let it grow long, because the last time it was long it behaved itself just fine! But--this time, its length is being bothersome. Cut it short--let it grow long. Try to apply less serum--that later coating of serum had been such a Godsend before, but now it was a hassle and was making it worse! Do not brush hair while still wet! Do not run fingers through it, even when dry! Use a different headband! Try more serum! Keep smoothing it and smoothing it and smoothing it and...watching it STILL fall out of place, and never go in right, and fuzz on one side and clump on the other! I grew to HATE this stupid flip hairdo it had resolved itself into--why couldn't it just be STRAIGHT? The simple process of washing and conditioning my hair every time I awoke devolved into a half-hour-plus ritual of washing, conditioning, conditioning, conditioning, tons of serum, and even more brushing, brushing, more leave-in conditioner to fix it in place, brushing, patting, smoothing, smoothing, more conditioner, smoothing, trying a new headband, brushing, smoothing, patting, watching it pop out of place...it would finally go in, I'd leave the room, come back, and find it out of place, and need to style it again...I sometimes ended up wailing and crying and hurling the brush and pulling out my hair. Just like I had with the ponytail, only by myself this time.

How had it changed into this? I don't even remember by now!

What's more...

I cannot nap--it might mush my hair out of place. That means no napping on my back OR my sides. If I nap, it has to be upright.

I cannot go out in the rain because that ruins it completely. Ditto with high humidity--I've hated Sundays for quite a while, because of the bath I take. Outings grew unpleasant if it got wet, and I never even minded the rain before!

Same with wind--that blows it out of place.

Bathing presented a problem in keeping it dry and styled right--I resorted to covering my hair with a cap (just mooshed it all out of place), wrapping it in a towel (didn't keep all the humidity out), even--PUTTING IT IN A SMALL TAIL if I were able! Nothing worked.

I had to hold my neck stiff as it dried, and since I'm nocturnal and wash my hair right before going out shopping, that meant going out in public with my hair drying plastered in this ugly flip. An old greeter at Wal-Mart really angered and embarrassed me one night when he jokingly said, "Just get out of the shower?" I wanted to hit him! Like I needed that!

And even when the hair was DRY and styled already, I couldn't move my head too much--it'd fall out of its flip, and refuse to go back in just right...I could not do much of anything anymore...I HATE THIS!

I don't know why but last night when I got up to wash my hair, I was just sick of it. I think it was because I had a couple things more important to worry about--I don't worry about my hair as much when other things are preoccupying me. (Case in point, a trip to a place I really love in the summer--I walked a LOT and got hot and sweaty--my hair got all out of place--but I barely noticed because I was too busy enjoying myself. Got home...commenced washing hair AGAIN and styling it again... >_< ) Who knows, maybe I was just fed up, like with the tail. Or maybe the fact that Wal-Mart looks to have discontinued two of the serums I use was part of it? I washed it, conditioned it, conditioned it again, put in the serums and leave-ins (oddly enough I messed up the order, I was so distracted)...put in the headband and adjusted it and brushed it back...then refused to style it into its flip. Didn't even spritz it again with more leave-in to get it in place. Just brushed it back so it was out of the way and not so messy, and left the bathroom. Though I did have to announce to both parents, "I didn't style it today," just in case they wondered why it looked so atrocious. (They don't give a rip what it looks like, but I do, even in private. All the fuss I've gone over in this post?--done mainly for MY benefit, since I barely ever leave the house! (I also suffer extreme social anxiety.))

Let it dry that way. Took the headband out as I've been doing lately, and ran my fingers through my hair to loosen it. Considered just leaving it THAT way, but went to look at it in the mirror and...ugh. I looked butch! -_- Reluctantly put in the headband and continued running my fingers through it. Didn't know what I was going to do at midnight, when I normally put the last coat of serum on it and style it into place.

Went out to Ma, asked her how stupid it looked. "It looks FINE!" Still...it tends to curl IN in the front now, and out in back! What's more, it doesn't even curl in evenly on both sides! This has been bothering me for weeks--why can't it go in ONE DIRECTION!! So it was poofing out more on the left than on the right, and... "Just LEAVE IT ALONE," she said. "It looks FINE." Well, not to me, but I was trying an experiment here, and I really did not want to spend all the night fussing over every little bit of it again...but I kept running my fingers through it anyway...

Midnight came and...I didn't put in the extra serum. That makes it smoother, but it also makes it clump! I can't win! I just ran my fingers through it all the night whenever it "messed" or fell in my face. It looked moderately okay, but not great in the tousled way that some people can pull off. It just...was. But it was a LOT less frustrating to just brush it back with my fingers every time it got out of place, rather than go into the bathroom, smooth it into place, check it again and again and again only to find it's not right, brush it, apply more serum, curse self for putting in too MUCH serum, brush it out, smooth it in, brush it out...*ugh.* Needless to say, I avoided the mirror most of the night, lest I get trapped into fixing it all over again. -_-

Then--bath time. UGH! I had originally made plans to wash my hair again when I was done bathing and try a new Pantene serum (lately I've just been "giving up" on my hair on Sunday mornings, brushing it ALL back and smoothing it back with my fingers in an ugly manner)...but since I had already refused styling my hair right, I just...took the bath as I was. And got out and ran my fingers through my hair again. It had actually become tolerable before the bath. Now...it looks messier...but without that extra coating of serum it's not as clumpy as it usually is on Sunday mornings. And I'm still running my fingers through it. *sigh*

I really DO NOT want my hair looking icky, even around my parents...even around myself...but I have to just learn that A LITTLE MUSS isn't going to attract this huge cartload of attention! People will NOT laugh at me because my hair isn't turning in the exact same direction, in the same proportions, on both sides. They probably wouldn't even laugh at me if it WAS mussed up somewhat. On the other hand, that greeter noticed me IMMEDIATELY when it WAS properly styled!

I still want nice smooth "arrow" hair, or at least tousled hair that LOOKS good on me. I don't want this frizz and fuzz when all the care I take with this stuff should have it as smooth and straight as glass. I shouldn't HAVE to keep running my fingers through it lest it get fuzzy or fall in my face. I am so careful with it that it SHOULD be nice hair, but it isn't. I guess I was just born with lousy hair. (Oddly...it NEVER bothered me when I was young, back before it was cut--I wore it loose all the time, even with staticky sweaters, never used conditioners or anything! Oh for those days again...)

And rather than spend a half hour just trying to get the stupid stuff in right I want to just get OVER that and let it be, since nothing will ever fix it. I know now that nothing ever will because I've tried everything!! I even considered BANGS! >_< Ugh. If I ever find the perfect way it will only be perfect for like two minutes before I find something NEW to nitpick!

So...not doing all that styling yesterday saved me about 10-15 minutes in the bathroom, and a lot more time in subsequent trips to the bathroom to check on it and style it again. It still bothers me...but I've broken compulsions before...not big ones like this, since this has been a HUGE compulsion of mine for years, but I really want to stop doing this. -_- Maybe in time it won't bother me so much anymore. Maybe I'll get used to it? I hope I'm not jinxing it by mentioning this. What scares me the most is, I had felt this hopeful after it was FIRST cut...and true enough, it did resolve the ponytail compulsion...but it just led to ANOTHER compulsion to take its place! I really, really REALLY hope that does not happen this time...I don't think I could stand another one. :( It's like as soon as you throw a compulsion out of the house, in moves its even more annoying sibling! Like the void left by the previous behavior and rituals has to be "filled" somehow. I really hope that does not happen again...but if it does I'm not even likely to notice until it reaches "critical mass," it'll be so subtle and gradual. Please please please don't happen. >_< I do not want half my waking life and thoughts always revolving around something so stupid as HAIR.

I want to be able to take a nap when I'm drowsy. I want to be able to go out in the rain without freaking out all the time. I want to be able to just MOVE MY HEAD without it causing a major incident! I would love to be able to do such seemingly simple things again. When did my life become all about worry? :(

I realize this post was incredibly long, but if you made it through, congratulations, because I always write like this but at least I don't post often. Just wanted to share this since it was a big thing to me, at least. And I really hope I can keep it up without so much frustration...and not acquire another compulsion somewhere along the way! *knock on wood* -_-