03-10-05 @ 9:09 am EST

I am so lonely and bored lately. -_- I really thought that once interest picked up in my writing, if ever (three people responded to the notice on my GeoCities RTMI), I would feel much better, but I still feel so empty lately. Like everything is dull and doesn't matter. It's not a depressed feeling like I usually get, just a...empty feeling. I can't even describe it, it's so dull and empty. :/

I wish I could find a way to invigorate my writing; even that feels tepid and dull now. The very way I write might have led to this; I have only four storylines, five if you count the Ameni Chronicles separately (which I really should, since they have very little to do with Egyptian mythology), six if you go out on a limb and count Black Binder stuff as its own weird area. Only two of those storylines I'm actively writing in (not counting BB--since I don't count that as actual writing)--Manitou Island and TAC. And it just gets tiresome working on one or the other, one or the other, day after day. I logged off yesterday really jazzed and wanting to write more on RTMI, but by the time I got to it a few minutes later, all that enthusiasm was gone. Ditto with TAC and anything else; I've been forcing myself to drag through it lately, just to get anything done. I actually wrote a novella for MI and started on a followup story--I haven't worked on short MI stories in ages and have yet to finish "The Blood Chief"--but then my interest just petered out, right in midstory. I haven't even finished a TAC sidestory in ages ("Aku The Atrocious" has been in the works forever!). It's just one serial, or the other. It's also been ages since I've written any Kemet stories...I cannot think of ideas to renew and rewrite the old D4D novels like I've been wanting to...and the Trench Rats may as well be dead. It doesn't matter so much because there was no interest in the latter two, but a few people liked the Kemet stories, and I lost those readers (I think?--if they were reading) when I stopped writing those. It's like I just stuck myself in this endless cycle of MI/TAC, MI/TAC, MI/TAC. Even when I go to listen to my music and relax, the only thing I can ever think of is EFMI, EFMI, EFMI (with some RTMI...MI is so old as to have dropped from my imagination. I read a paragraph of an old chapter where Silver Eagle Feather was talking the other day. Did you know that I had her use words like chief and LONGHOUSE?! UGH!! Horrid!!). There's never any change and it seems so empty. I wish I could come up with something new.

I DID come up with the vague idea earlier of a sort of TAC spinoff, maybe something focusing on Antakh since my novella about him started to get hugely enormous and maybe a miniserial would be easier, but...it's just more Apsiu...blah. Who knows. Haven't really thought about it yet, but it would still be basically just more TAC. :/

I wish I were like normal writers and could just write stories that DON'T have anything to do with an existing storyline--how does everybody else do that? I can only ever work with my own existing characters and settings. FIVE STORYLINES! That is so limited. Even when I try to think of something new it automatically plops itself down into an occult Michigan, or a furry WWII, or ancient Egypt, or a Late Woodland fantasy island. I feel so static and stuck. I can't come up with anything different without being made to feel like I'm forcing myself to write about something I do not care about. Really, the concept of something totally NEW is so foreign to me that I CAN'T think of a completely new idea. It's always one of THOSE four. New ideas in the same four themes and settings. Four, four, four. (Or five. Whatever.)

But when you write about the SAME THINGS over and over and over...how do you keep that from getting boring? Maybe that's one reason why so few people read my stuff, because it's so predictable and limited. (And long, yes. I know.) I mean, there are only so many people who are going to be interested in Satanists in Michigan or rats fighting dogs in WWII or ancient Egypt or the pre-Colonial Straits of Mackinac. Hm. Maybe that's another reason I have so few readers...? My writing interests read off like a list made up by a geek. "What're you going to do this weekend?" "Read about the Woodland Indians! Hell yeah!" O_o

I just wish for something NEW. In my writing, or not in my writing, who really knows; even I don't know what exactly I want. Just something so I do not feel so dull and bored/boring and empty anymore. -_- I've actually been sad that I haven't been able to find anything neat at eBay lately, just to get something new and stave off the boredom for a few minutes! *sigh*

I'm surprised I actually got any writing done yesterday, I've gotten so bored. I've had "the feelings" and so wrote more on a BB scene of mine, then started ANOTHER one, and...didn't finish either!! Just what I need, more unfinished BB stories. >_< I am so unbearably inutterably bored. _-_ Even this entry is boring me. Books, writing, the Internet, TV, people, music, the outdoors, thinking, it's all boring me. Writing journal entries expressing my boredom is boring me. Anything I decide to do once I'm done here will bore me, too.

I'm thinking with this I will put a link to my LJ on my bio or somewhere so Writing.com members can access Skew if they want. Except for when I was writing about them, I did not care that anyone could see my journal but for the few people I used to write in it for--and seeing as they stopped reading it months ago, it's not like I have to worry about them seeing anything I write anymore. The only thing I really minded was the fact that day after day after day every entry went without getting ANY hits, and should one have finally managed to get one or two hits, it was rather after the fact, and I know those hits were not from the people I had hoped were reading back then or else all those people were a lot more uncaring and insensitive than I thought since I was trying to reach out to them and they still never replied. (Damn, that was a long sentence.) *won't get into that here or now* It just pissed the hell out of me that the people I cared about were no longer reading, whereas a couple of total strangers who were probably laughing over my misery WERE, so I made it private. So I would KNOW why the entries got no hits, so I would have control over why the people I wrote in it for were no longer reading--because I wouldn't let them!--and so those one or two strangers who were probably laughing their asses off at my expense would have to find some other miserable person to laugh at. I did something similar on another site where Skew is hosted, and nobody ever bothered to leave any notes. Rather than log on and face disappointment every single day I got no notes...I just turned off the notes completely. Journal's still there. People can still see it. But if and when they don't comment, at least I know it's because I WON'T LET THEM.

It's petty, I know, but it's the one bit of control I have over people's lack of interest, so...what was I even writing about? Cripes, I have no idea by now. o_o

Oh. Right. I guess I'll leave the link on my bio, not that people look at it, and whoever can gather up the manual dexterity and strength of conviction to click the left mouse button can see what drivel I've typed in here. In my LJ. Just not in my Writing.com version. Because I cannot stand the feeling of my journal being public, and seeing the entries get no hits, no hits, no hits, and not knowing who's looking when they DO get one or two hits after a few weeks. On LiveJournal, I have no stat counter, so I cannot tell whether anyone even glanced at it or not unless they leave a note...and since only one person is currently doing that (*tiny wave*), then I do not have much of anything to expect or wonder about. (I can also make my LJ private or friends only at any time, unlike the main Skew backup, which is why I don't link to it instead...in case I ever change my mind about anyone from Writing.com seeing Skew. You know, I'm spending entirely too much time on this, and getting bored, so that's that.)

Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla... _-_ I added to my favorites two fantasy novel/story folders I had spotted in the Online Users items list several days ago, and they look pretty well written, but so far I have yet to read an entire chapter, much less comment. I can't help but wonder why I should. The last two people I offered helpful reviews to on items similar to mine said thanks, and never looked at MY stuff. In the past whenever I offered multiple reviews to a multiple-part story, I think I remember all of one person who stopped to follow suit on multiple items of mine; everybody else picks one of my dinky short stories and never comes back, or does the incredibly frustrating I'll-read-the-first-five-chapters,-say-I-love-it-and-will-return,-and-then-stop-looking-and-hope-she-doesn't-notice routine...blah. I'm so bored I'm not even getting riled up over writing this. I've just grown tired of taking the time to offer my help and interest and getting none in return. I even make sure to target people who say they LOVE reading and writing the things in my areas of interest, not that it ever helps...I guess they love reading and writing it when it's not mine. o_o I don't know, I could never figure these people out--remember the reader I lost a long time back who kept logging on to say how bored SHE was, yet she never said another word to me and I still don't even know what happened. And I was even commenting on her story in return. Short of hitting them over the head with my writing I do not know how to make myself clearer. Oh well. Bored. In short that's two MORE items in my favorites that I will probably never check out again...got a whole bunch of them just sitting there. Lots of longish stories that the authors seem to have lost all interest in finishing long ago--maybe if I'd commented they would have felt the inspiration to continue? Who will ever know. Journals I stopped reading when I found out they already have a ton of devoted fans and the authors will not stop by mine (when it was public), message forums I stopped posting in and reading when nobody noticed I was there, novels I stopped reading and reviewing when they got tons of ratings from other people and the authors never showed any interest beyond a "Thank you, come again." I admit, I'm selfish. It's just rather annoying to try to give and then get nothing in return. Human nature. I would clear out my favorites if I weren't so anal. ("MAYBE I'll read it someday...? For the fun of it? Pfft. Eh...")

(I really, REALLY hate those motivational messages that say, "Reply to reviews, you'll get reviewed more!" and "Writers want honest feedback!"...BLAH! Good thing they have no money-back guarantee behind those. >:/ While I'm at it, what's with the "Rate fairly--save those five stars only for the best!"? Why not also a "Save those ONE STARS only for the WORST"? What, so we are allowed to be indiscriminate with our one stars then, just not with the fives...? Hm...)

My attention span to reading is just so awfully poor nowadays that I do not feel like reading something so indepth as to offer feedback, when I won't have any sort of worthwhile reward in return...and tossing GPs at me isn't my idea of an equal reward in exchange for a review...I've got over 100,000 of them, and nothing to do with them! They're a nice way to show appreciation, but...then what? Too bad I can't use them on eBay. o_o

Wow, did I get bitchy. Sorry to whoever I subjected to this. Hm.

Hm. What else? Well. I did have a vaguely interesting dream about Mackinac Island, a map of it rather, that I will just summarize...it was a map which displayed rivers of the island, in the northern part near Point Aux Pins, and one solitary river to the west, somewhat south of them, yet it was not Brown's Brook...I was puzzled by this in the dream, since I had not known the island had rivers, and I could not understand why Brown's Brook was not on the map...there was also a location called the "Quiet House," and I think it had something to do with my writing...but again I'm getting terribly bored with all this. *sigh* It'll be in my dream journal...someday...whenever.