03-23-05 @ 9:19 am EST

CRIPES! I FINALLY finished the rewrite of TAC:41, though it's 90kb long (!), and will probably take a lot of proofing... >_< UGH. I thought that one would NEVER end...the scenes shift all over the place! At least now I can start the TAC:42 rewrite, which I've really been wanting to do, since Fe'kheru and Meteri finally appear...even though it's just a small scene...I do plan to make it longer though. :P

I wanted to clarify my last entry. (This is not in response to anything, I just always have a need to clarify after I've settled down some... >_< ) I can't take back what I said in it because I know I'll just be feeling it again, but friendly comments from the few people who do still read my stuff have made me calm down somewhat since then. That entry was about the people who make such a big deal out of telling me how great I am, but then I never hear from them again. And the people who lift my spirits only to then dash them with the next e-mail. And ingrates. But I guess I'll back up and explain.

It just seems like over and over recently, whenever I get a new person commenting on my writing, they say things that make me feel so much better about myself...but then they always go and say something that immediately crushes me again. Remember my recent entry with the guy who claimed I was SO good as to be published. I loved that comment. And made the mistake of telling him that no, I'm not good enough to be published because barely anybody will even read me for FREE. He replies to tell me that MY WRITING IS TOO LONG. Why not divide long things into smaller chapters? Firstly--I have only about 300 spaces left in my port, which will probably not even be enough for EFMI should I ever get to it--I can't afford to squander my space that way. Secondly, even if you divide a long story into short chapters--IT'S STILL A LONG STORY! My multipart NOVELS have even fewer readers than my single-part NOVELLAS! You can stick a pig's snout on a horse, but it's still a horse. And I already said my piece concerning truly good writing; if it's TRULY so damn great, people wouldn't CARE about the length...in fact, they'd want more of it. So in just two e-mails this person basically said, "You should be published!" and then "Nope, you write too much to be published." And he did not reply to my last mail, and has not been back to read another item since. Claimed he almost didn't read that first one since he has little time online, but I see him logged in just about EVERY time I visit the site, which is like four hours every day. I guess I was not nearly as good as he'd first claimed.

(Lest I sound like an ingrate myself, I DID appreciate that first review, a lot...I just wish he hadn't then gone and directly contradicted everything he told me! That kind of takes the meaning out of the FIRST comment, and makes it feel pretty much worthless now. I feel he did not mean a thing he said. :( )

Remember my recent giddy entry about the person who wanted to read MI so much that they crashed my site? Even THAT became a matter of disappointment for me. This person had asked for me to send them the HTML files so they could convert them to a PDF file. I wrote to ask them how I should send them. They wrote back to say they didn't need them after all since they'd already done it. Then they had THIS to say about my ENTIRE 380,000-word, 110-part serial...that the pop culture references had ruined it for them. Apparently they had liked the story enough to read the whole thing...because they did mention how even after my pop culture references had "shattered their suspension of belief" repeatedly, they had kept reading...but of the entire story, THAT was the only comment they had. That I had ruined it for them. Apparently, a fantasy story is not SUPPOSED to contain references to modern-day things like Santa Claus and Pop Ice and even the phrase "pop culture references" itself. You could've fooled me, especially considering that...the POV character, Charmian, IS A MODERN-DAY CHARACTER WHO WILL OF COURSE MAKE MODERN-DAY REFERENCES! What ELSE is she supposed to do?? Be completely archaic?? Utterly humiliated, I wrote back to apologize (even though I feel I shouldn't have HAD to), to say that I hoped there was SOME little thing they had managed to enjoy out of the entire pile of drek (I didn't use those words but it's certainly how their comment made me feel!), and to defend my choice, explaining that I had Charmian make such comments since she is a modern-day teen, and of course will think like one. I wanted to illustrate the differences between her world, the American 21st century, and the Island's world, the native Late Woodland/pre-contact era. Charmian, thinking like a typical teen, will of COURSE find ample reason to think of such modern things as Santa Claus and Pop Ice and "pop culture references"--because that's how modern-day people think, especially when thrust into a world completely different from their own. Ever hear of "culture shock"? At least I didn't make references that would really date the story to a particular decade. I HATE those, and so made sure to keep MI as vague as possible; only references to the "twenty-first century," and a reference to the X-Men (how did the reader not catch THAT??), could date it somewhat, but not too much. Nothing worse than what you see on sitcoms on TV.

They wrote back to defend THEIR comment, and added, "You could have shown the cultural differences simply through her actions." But if I would have had the guts to reply I would have said, since when is it so easy for people to simply SEPARATE their thoughts from their actions? Especially when she is the POINT OF VIEW character and her thoughts are so integral to the plot? Most of those references I made were in Charmian's head, or were direct statements of what she was thinking. Truly--was I supposed to just...make her stop thinking?? Give her boring generic thoughts which not only do not ground her in reality, but also fail to ground her in her own time period? I guess so, according to this person's idea of "fantasy." Cripes. Sorry my reference to Pop Ice ruined the story for you so much. Maybe you should stick to reading Lord Of The Rings-type crap where EVERYBODY is archaic. Sue me for having a modern-day character in an archaic setting, but it's not like it's never been done before. Mark Twain, anybody? I wonder if Twain would be taken to task for mentioning Connecticut in a story set in Medieval times.

But...after all that I did not have the guts to reply. They did say that oh, no, they DID like the story, but after the time they spent taking me to task for making my modern-day character make modern-day references, I did not have the heart or courage to respond again. I did let them know in my second e-mail that they should avoid the sequel, if they'd even had plans for reading it. Glooskap's character (an archaic character with knowledge of the modern world--heaven forbid!) would probably make their hair stand on end. -_-

And so that was TWO huge spirit lifters, and then letdowns, right in a row. After that can you blame me for feeling so awfully?

Utterly miserable, and feeling that my own writing was pure CRAP by now, I decided to try to take my focus off of myself and maybe try to help somebody else with THEIR writing. Every night after I log off I just feel so awful, alone and with my own stupid thoughts. I actually hate paper journaling because that's all I ever have to write about is how awful I feel! I truly believed that if I performed some useful service for someone ELSE, then I would not be focusing on my own thoughts so much, plus I'd be being useful, something which I feel I have not been doing with my WRITING lately. So, I opened up the first chapter of someone's story I'd downloaded from Writing.com, and spent ALL MORNING reading and making notes on it. I typed up a 10kb review (that is SHORT, as my reviews go), making useful suggestions and pointing out what I had liked, and as soon as I logged on I sent it. There, I had been of use to someone else, and maybe, just maybe, this person might appreciate the gesture and lend me a review in return...I keep hoping (fruitlessly) that somebody whose multipart story I review will return the favor, and I will end up with a review buddy, the two of us offering help and encouragement on each other's stories. Hasn't happened yet. After this incident, probably never will.

Got a reply from the author. She quickly let me know that my review was LONG (why is LONG always such a horrid thing around here??), and also that it had ANNOYED her. I have to be clear in that she DID try to be polite in her response, and did end the mail saying she was no longer annoyed...but everything else I read just drowned my spirits even more. For one thing she was defensive about my mention of italicizing the thoughts of characters, just because "other readers" had mentioned the same thing. (Well how was I to know what other readers already mentioned?--and if more than one person has brought it up, don't you rather think it bears looking into?) For another, she was peeved that I had dared to correct her on spelling since she is always careful to check her spelling before posting. That's nice, but--when you put your work up for review (as I had ASSUMED, mistakenly I guess, that she had done), WHY COMPLAIN WHEN PEOPLE CORRECT THE SPELLING?? I do not understand this about so many people on Writing.com! If you don't want your spelling corrected, then either don't open your item up for rating and review, or else make it DAMN CLEAR that you are not LOOKING for such advice! This writer had her story in a folder, rateable (sic?), with no disclaimer, so I ASSUMED she was open to critiques. Jeez was I wrong. I do not understand why so many people who claim they are looking for feedback take such affront to having spelling errors pointed out. It's just a FACTUAL correction, not even an attack on the writer's skills! I myself am always really embarrassed, but GRATEFUL when people point out spelling errors or typos in my work! It's much better than letting that stuff stand! Besides, no matter HOW "careful" we are in checking our work, SOME errors will always get through. Just being a good writer and proofer doesn't make you immune from mistakes. Based on what this writer said, you'd think she was immune.

The word in question, according to MY big dictionary, was misspelled. According to HER dictionary, it was not. I have never seen it spelled the way she spelled it so I really wonder about her dictionary, but--it was an honest mistake, IF it was a mistake. I myself checked to be sure before commenting on it so why take me to task for that? I even took British spelling into account when I read her story because I know that is not wrong, and British people are often peeved when you correct them on that--I did not want to be so ignorant. I guess I was ignorant enough, just paying attention to what MY dictionary told me. Cripes. Sorry.

And so she basically wrote off most of what my review said--she even mentioned how "the first part" of my review wasn't really useful though the "last part" (I assume that's where I pointed out what I LIKED about the story?) was. I made a big-ass mistake. I really thought this person was open to helpful critiques but boy was I wrong. I replied to apologize profusely for my error, to stand by my comment on the misspelled word, and to let her know I would not bother her again. And you know what? I won't. I was FULLY willing to TAKE MY OWN LIMITED TIME reading and commenting on her work...in the hopes that maybe SHE would return the favor...but not anymore. I wasted that ENTIRE morning I could have spent working on MY writing! All for a "Your review is long, it annoyed me, I did not misspell that word, thank you anyway" comment. That's an hour or two's worth of work I will never get back. Truthfully, though pissed off by it, I am GLAD she showed no reciprocal interest in my writing, if that's how she will be. I fully understand when a writer does not want to take the suggestions offered. But I did not need to be told my review was long (I KNOW that, that's why I WRITE them that way--it's called being thorough!), that I had annoyed her, that I was apparently ignorant for not knowing the alternate spelling of a word for which my dictionary GAVE no alternate spelling, and that the bulk of my review was useless. She could have just mentioned how her dictionary differed from the rest, let me know that she had considered my suggestions even if she would not accept all of them, and said thank you and left it at that. I would have been sorely disappointed yet AGAIN to have failed to gain a review partner, but at least I would not have been so humiliated and pissed off. That is one person's port I will know to avoid since she apparently does not want constructive reviews. I wonder why her story is even up. I don't know if she understood but I never would have even SPENT all that time commenting if I had not thought it was good in the first place. I know that if I had a review buddy, I'd prefer if they liked my writing too, yet were also as thorough as they could be. I guess that doesn't stand for everybody. I promptly logged off, started crying, and deleted her story from my computer. I will not read a word of hers again; her loss, not that she cares. Every time I see her online now it makes me seethe, wondering what she's even doing there if she doesn't want feedback. Unless it's gushing over how good she is and how she never makes spelling mistakes, I guess.

I'm angry that these comments she sent helped make me so spiteful of somebody I had thought had TALENT, but...well, she made them. I did not even bother reading her last response--probably more harping on me--and we have not had contact since. Never will, either. My attempt at taking focus away from myself, and helping others, failed just as miserably as everything else.

All three of these happened within days of each other. So now can you blame me for breaking down crying and feeling like an utter fool? To be told twice that my writing is crap, and then to be told that even my READING is crap...was just too much to take. I'm still stinging from all of it. I probably always will.

So that is why last entry came about. I can apologize for the execution, but not for the reasoning or emotions behind it. Because as lots of comments in the past ("You should be published! No, I don't want to read more..." "Thanks for the review, I guess, though it was pretty long...no, I'm not interested in returning the favor") have repeatedly proven, it's just going to happen again sometime.

So it's kind of hard for me to take nice comments at face value anymore, since the mind behind them is almost always thinking, "Eh, she's good enough to hold my interest through THIS one story, but after that I'm never coming back." And I got rid of the ratings comments in my bio to state once and for all that I am no longer offering unsolicited helpful reviews of the type I used to give. No more. I kept telling myself not to bother, when nobody ever bothered returning the favor and only ever tossed some useless GPs at me in return (what will I do with them?), but now that I know what these people REALLY think of my efforts to help them be even better writers, I do not want to bother. Apparently most people on the site, many of them in good and high standing, are not really interested in critiques like the site tries to make it seem they are. ("Reply to reviews! You'll get lots more!" Whatever!) Stupid me for thinking anyone on an amateur writing site would want help! I must be in the minority. I've learned the hard way not to waste my time trying to help out others anymore. Cripes. (That was the last way I could help people on the site, too, considering that I got threatened with demotion in the past if I kept giving technical site help! Screwed every which way, aren't I?)

I really hope none of those three see this entry. Even with as hurt as I feel, I hate the thought of hurting them. I hate being such a sap, since they've probably forgotten I exist already anyway. -_-