04-01-05 @ 9:23 am EST

Bored. Nothing much to type today. :/ I don't really know why I'm bothering with an entry at all.

Proofed about 3800 words of TAC:42; over 9000 to go. I could be doing more of that, but decided to do this instead. -_- No idea why.

I wish I had kept a listing of character traits as I went along. I started doing one on index cards a while back, but I have to go back through every chapter and I'm only up to like Part 7 or 8 or something, and it takes so long, and I haven't done it in a while since I have so many other things to do...like transcribing Historic Mackinac for my site, for one thing. I haven't even updated my site yet for that link. I've been editing it at WC, but I haven't posted the edits to the chapters of RTMI on my GeoCities site...so much I haven't had time to do. I finally replied to a few e-mails I've been owing since early FEBRUARY but not to all. One was from someone who maybe would have e-mailed me again but with how long it took me I doubt she will now. -_- Oh well. Probably didn't have much to say anyway.

Writing has just been coming so hard lately. Again I got all the feelings about why I should bother with much of it. I did have like five people tell me they were reading RTMI, but I hate knowing I will never hear from them again...it's so frustrating. Like people forget that online, these are real flesh-and-blood people writing these stories they read, and sitting on the other side of a monitor truly believing nobody is reading a word of it. If we were sitting in the same room together, would they be so hesitant to speak up?

And I am equally frustrated that I can't find somebody's story to tear apart. Not in a bad way, but you know how nitpicking I get in my reviews--I had really hoped that since my writing is going almost nowhere, maybe I could offer a different service. I actually decided the other day to try the Review Request page--duh! People go there SPECIFICALLY to ask for reviews! Surely I could not go wrong? Well, I went to see what was being offered, and...the great majority of it was stupid poems...ugh. Many other items were personal or in genres I just do not care about. I finally came across one that looked interesting, and clicked on it. And...this thing had like SIXTY RATINGS! This person was begging for a review and they had SIXTY RATINGS? The item had only been posted since like last November--I can have an item posted even longer and be lucky to get even ONE rating, much less a review! That alone thoroughly pissed me off, that this person who had so many damn ratings, and more than likely at least a handful of good reviews to go along with them, was STILL begging for more on the Review Request page. I thought that page was for the use of people who were really having trouble getting reviews! Pissed off, I sought out another item that looked promising--why waste my time helping somebody who had already been helped maybe sixty times??--and it had only been posted that same month (March), and had about ten ratings. CRIPES! By then I was at the bottom of the page and I gave up. Out of the few items that looked interesting to me, NONE of them looked as if they TRULY needed any feedback. I admit it's highly likely that the number of actual reviews they got as opposed to ratings was much lower, but still, those people should have felt lucky they got even THAT much. Some help they needed.

So, that was a bust. I mean, I wanted to really help somebody who NEEDED it! Not somebody with a story that gets a hundred hits a day, and ten ratings a month--somebody like me who works hard and tries to do their best and still has little to show for it. I know the feeling and I would at least feel a little useful helping somebody like that out. And I do NOT want to bother just offering such help at random because look what happened last time I did--"Your review was long and annoying"! I thought I'd find somebody in need of help on the RR page but nope.

I only just thought night before last of the auto-rewards page. It's not as specific, but maybe somebody THERE needs help? I don't really give a rip about the GPs but the mere fact that people are paying them up the wazoo looks like a sign that they would appreciate help. The very first item that showed, with the highest number of GPs to give, was a story I had actually run across before and browsed but had not rated because I didn't really have anything to say. Interesting story, but it was a sponsored item and had a billion ratings and I would rather not contribute my dinky comments to such items because I know from experience that my comments mean little when somebody is popular. Well, I hadn't recognized it because the user changed the title. I think they did it to get more hits because the title takes off of a popular TV show now. *shrug* Their gimmick. It had few errors though I did spot some problems with commas; still didn't feel like committing myself to a thorough review, since this item had been sponsored, was giving out the biggest number of GPs, and had a billion ratings so it's obvious THIS person is not having any trouble getting attention for their writing. Kept browsing. Came across a few fantasy items, one or two rather well written looking, but aside from offering GPs I could not honestly tell what sort of reviews or feedback these people were actually looking for. And that was when I realized the flaw in my reasoning. Are these people giving away GPs just to be popular and get noticed--basically, to sponsor their items the cheap way? Or are they really that desperate for feedback? I really can't tell...and decided not to bother wasting my time since I didn't know. I cannot commit to the type of reviews I always end up giving if all I'll get in return is "Jeez, that was long. I like my incorrect punctuation the way it is, and I prefer my POV to wander. Thanks anyway, here are some GPs." *rolling eyes* It's like none of them realize that some people would appreciate reviews in return! I do not know what to do with these GPs...I did have a thought yesterday, but I don't know how good it would be...

I hate sounding so ungrateful and pissy here; sheesh. All I was doing was boring myself over an entry. :/ I guess I'm just irritated that even when seeking out places where I thought I would find struggling writers in need of readers and feedback, all I could find was the most popular people with all the ratings and reviews they already need, and people who do not want thorough feedback at all. I KNOW there must be others out there like me, but I'll be damned if I can find them. It's like circumstances just keep us apart. Sounds dramatic, but that's how it feels. Like, how almost all the people out there who gush about how interested they are in Egyptian mythology or whatever, don't notice when I step up beside them and wave in their face. o_o Don't really get it.

I did consider posting in a forum about it, but with my luck I'd get a dozen people with really immaturely written stories begging for my attention, and maybe they would read a few chapters of mine before moving on...blah. My reading interests are very specific; it has to be in a genre I enjoy, and the person writing it has to already understand at least the BASICS of writing...I do not want to point out where every comma should go--junior high teachers should have done that first!! _-_ Remember my efforts at penpalling? I posted this billion-word disclaimer listing my interests and what I was NOT looking for ("NO HORNY GUYS!"), and in response I got...like ten horny guys begging for me to write, and having nothing in common with me ("I own a horse ranch in Egypt and I love soccer! Please write!"...WTF??), and one teenager with really bad grammar and spelling, and somebody--male or female, I have no clue--saying, "Hey here's my address let's write." >:/ CRIPES! Where are the interesting people and how come they aren't interested in me?? I guess interesting people don't HAVE to hang out on penpal sites...serves me right I suppose. >_<

You know, I really should not journal when I'm bored. This is why I'm so disappointed even in my paper journaling lately; nothing but bitching when I have something to write about, and crap when I have nothing to write about. I even tried changing when I journal because after I log offline I'm usually in a poor mood. Didn't help. Now instead of bitching I have NOTHING to journal about. Which is very sad. You'd think I could at least make something up. I mean, I do it in fiction all the time. Isn't it weird how I write so much total fantasy, yet I'm the world's crappiest liar? Hm. Maybe that should have been this entry. Too late now. :/

Wish I even had something interesting to say about my writing. I thought I did but I can't remember it.

I guess that's all. I'm not in a bad mood right now, BTW. Just pissed off about the utter uselessness of the Review Request and auto-rewards pages. Somewhere out there is an author or two like me, trying to locate their readers and getting drowned out by everyone with more popularity and GPs than they have. And I pity them. :/

(I just did a search for journal groups on WC, since I thought, now that Skew is public maybe it would be interesting to be among some like-minded journalers. Found two groups that looked applicable, and then saw that the SAME popular members who get all the attention are of course in them both...don't know what I was thinking. I would rather not bother putting Skew in one of those since I know who will get all the comments and who will get none. Did you know Skew used to even be in some (now defunct) journal groups here? Until I noticed that I was the one doing all the commenting on others' journals, and they never visited mine. I even applied once at a journal review forum--a forum SPECIFICALLY for reviewing journals--and as per the forum's requirements, commented on the other two people who had applied. Neither of them responded to me. The forum owner, whose journal I had also commented on, said thanks and she would get back to me. Last I knew, the forum had long been deleted, and NOBODY had reviewed my journal--not even the forum owner. Interesting, no...? Not really, I know. Just getting that out while I'm in here. That's all.)