04-16-05 @ 2:29 am EDT

Not feeling well today. I was hoping for a few things but it doesn't look like they're panning out just yet. I might just be impatient, but still, it's a letdown. And it's just the most recent in a very long series of letdowns. Even when things go right nowadays, I feel empty about it in the end.

I'm tired of all my existence being wrapped up in my writing and the Internet. I'm tired of feeling empty and alone every time I log off, yet of facing so little of importance even when I'm logged on. I log on all excited and hopeful--for what? It's just the Net, and every day I end up doing the same routine things, with the same routine results. There is very little that is new. And most of it doesn't matter for much. Because I'm still alone when I log off. Even more so. I actually want to stay logged on past the time allowed just so I have some tenuous connection, even to something as empty as the Internet. Because at least there are other people out there, even if I have no connection to them, and never will. It's like standing on a street and staring in a window at a happy crowd. I log off and even the window isn't there anymore. Everything reminds me of my lack of connection to anything.

I'm tired of my real life being so hollow and empty. I want to snail mail, but there's nobody to snail mail or to respond. I don't want to spend every day browsing eBay for books to keep me company, when I'd rather learn from people themselves. Or saving page images of books I'll probably never have the heart to read. It's sad that the only real connection I have to anything is through words--my own, and those of people who I do not know, and who will never know me.

Even when little things come they don't seem to mean as much anymore because they're not that real. Attention online, I love it, and appreciate it, but at the end of the day when I log off...I'm still just sitting here alone, and meaningless. I'm so tired of that. I want something in the real world to matter or to make me feel happier. Even getting a much-wanted book pacifies me for only a little bit, until I realize that it's just a book, and just more words that in the end I have no connection to at all.

Even my daily hits are way down. I keep checking them, and the online users page, over and over and over in the hopes that sometime it'll mean something. Even when I see a familiar name, it just reminds me of how I am not connected to that person anymore, if I ever even was...which I probably wasn't.