04-26-05 @ 2:07 am EDT

An actual surprise, I got two replies to the apparent goodbyes I sent out the other day. (I put out two. Didn't get to the third as that person has not been online yet and I vowed to wait until then.) I expected these to be my very last e-mails to these two people, because I had not heard from one in a year (and they had been online at least twice since then), and the other, I just had no reason to believe they wanted to hear from me period. I don't like bothering people when they don't want to hear from me. But I get truly angry and hurt when they don't at least let me know, so I can stop waiting, that we aren't communicating anymore. At the very least, somebody can just say goodbye. I am PISSED OFF with the way people keep getting mad at me for taking my time, yet *I* am expected to wait for months, years even, and not know.

So even with as much as it humiliated me (it reeks of drawing attention to myself, and in a way, it is), I was the one to say it because they weren't. I'm tired of these damn loose ends everyone leaves hanging around me. I am tired of being the "nice" person, and just sitting and WAITING for months on end, just to be SURE this person will never write back to me. I have this stupid thing called HOPE that I wish would just leave me like everything else does, but I'm dumb that way.

Anyway as I said I expected no replies to these because, well, that's what I've been getting for months anyway, right? Almost every OTHER time I bother to say the goodbye that somebody else neglected to say, they never reply. B. never replied (found his new diary online just yesterday--he's the guy who said to me, "As long as you write to me, I will write to you"--wrote me all of ONE e-mail--then never responded--all of this AFTER I asked him if he were SURE he wanted to write to me--never replied to the goodbye e-mail I sent him, either). S. never replied. M. has never been back TO reply. Why not add two more names to the list, right?

They both replied though. Was not expecting that, honestly. But now that the e-mails are sitting there, with the same subjects that I gave them...I can't open and read them.

On the one hand, they might both be bitching at me about how rude I am, and truly cutting off what I had hoped might continue. Even though I had no REAL hope it would. I did try to be polite when I burned those bridges, but after waiting for months, yes, I'm angry and hurting, and that shows in my words. So it's very likely they both effectively slammed the door in my face and I will not ever hear from them again.

On the other hand...they might have offered to keep the door open...(yes, this is stupid hopeful thinking again)...but, why should I believe them now? The one person, who I haven't heard from in a year, replied but did nothing else to make me think they really want to continue to correspond. (They were just reading my story; no new reviews.) The other sent two replies, but I know whatever I read from either of them now, I will feel hurt and angry yet again. I really wanted that person as a friend, which is why it would hurt so much. I've been promised before (not just by this person, to be fair) that communication will continue, that it's wanted. I've been told before, numerous times, that we will write to each other. But again and again this has not happened. Even if an offer of friendship was made (which I seriously doubt), why should I believe it when it never held up in the past?

I'm sorry to come across as so rude and bitchy--I DID want these people as friends. But by now I am so tired of being stung again and AGAIN, and never even having people at least let me KNOW I will not hear from them anymore, that I do not trust anything anymore. How many times am I expected to accept an apology and then sit and wait for...nothing? By now it looks like even the person who communicated with me for years doesn't wish to communicate anymore. Nobody ever lasts when I'm around. I'm tired of trying, when this is all that ever happens. I don't WANT another time when I will be left waiting for MONTHS and then finally have to humiliate myself by burning a bridge which I shouldn't have even built in the first place.

I wanted these two as friends, but I really just got this feeling they did not want me. So I cannot even open the e-mails now. They're either agreeing with me and now I KNOW it's over, even if not why, or they're promising to try again and I won't be able to believe it.

You know the only way to earn my trust anymore? To PROVE you mean what you say. Don't apologize. I hate apologies. The best way to get on my good side when you've gotten on my bad side is through ACTIONS. Whatever it was that upset me, reverse it. Don't say sorry, I'll send an e-mail--SEND THAT E-MAIL. Don't say sorry, I'll read your story--READ THE STORY. If it's going to take you a month to get back to me, please say so, and then DO IT. I'm fully willing to wait months to get a reply!--if I have reason to believe IT'S ACTUALLY GOING TO COME. I used to trust people at their word--until I found out how little people's word actually means. Now the only way to keep from always getting disappointed is to wait for people to ACT. Until then, words are as flimsy as they appear on the screen. I have known people who apologized to me again and again and again and they STILL never did ANYTHING to let me know they meant it. And you know what? They DIDN'T.

So, if I had not completely alienated or pissed off these two just yet (which I doubt--I piss everyone off, that's probably why they always end up bailing out), if they responded positively to my messages, if they REALLY want me to believe in them again they could just prove it by doing what they said they were going to do.

Otherwise, I do not think I can even open those e-mails. Since I have not gotten any more comments on my story, and no original e-mail other than a reply to my own message, I don't really think either of them has responded positively. And even if they did, it could just be another promise that will go nowhere.

So if either of you sees this, I am always willing to keep a bridge standing--if I have reason to. If those e-mails were positive, then that paragraph in bold above spells it all out. That's pretty much all I can say. If the responses were negative, then, I'm sorry I bothered wasting so many words all over again.

Then again, it's not like either of them even reads this, so I guess I'll never know unless given reason to. Two more bridges burned, I suppose.