04-28-05 @ 10:49 am EDT

The maple tree in our front yard, my favorite tree, is slowly dying. Its big middle section is slowly rotting from the inside out, and there's a big gaping crevice running up it now, with rotting wood falling out bit by bit every day. I go outside and see the newly fallen pieces of wood that were once the tree and my heart breaks. That tree was hit by lightning long ago. I don't remember, but it was. It has a long black streak down the side which I assume was caused by the lightning. It also had wires/cables tethering parts of it together and they have grown into the wood, making it look like its being strangled. It has a nail in the side of it. I don't know where that came from. One sawed-off branch has a cut bit of old rope from where I used to tire-swing on it. A big high part of the middle section snapped and tumbled into the branches back during the ice storm of 1997, and it's been up there ever since, dangling precariously, but no strong wind has managed to knock it down. All of that the tree has lived through.

I went outside the other day and found a big branch jammed vertically into the ground, leaving a big hole. I looked up at the tree but I couldn't even tell where it had come from. I never even heard it fall. I did what I always do and picked this big branch up and carried it out behind the garage. I must look like a weirdo, always carrying big branches out behind the garage.

I like that tree. I read in my book that when lightning strikes a tree, the Thunderbirds leave a stone at the bottom. If you pick up the stone after the lightning hits, it's a gift. But you have to do it right after it hits. I don't remember when our tree was hit. And there's no stone at the bottom. Not even a little one. :/ But still...it does still have the scar.

And now it has this huge gaping rotting hole running down the middle section. Not a branch, but the heart of the tree. It's dying and there's nothing we can do about it.

I'm wondering a lot lately, if I'm tied to this tree. I feel the same way as it looks. Like everything is going bad and dying inside, and nothing can ever fix it. The only thing is, I suspect the tree is resigned to its fate, and at peace with itself. I wish I were more tied to the tree than I really am.

There's a tiny cedar sprouting from one of the other maples alongside the road, many of which are dying themselves. I hate how all our trees are dying. I don't know how it got there because there are no cedars around the house. I can't help but wonder if I carried its seed back from Mackinac Island once? Who knows. There are lots of cedars there. I wish that cedar would grow up and live, but I doubt it. It would be nice to have a cedar. My book says they're supposed to be cleansing.